Married Filipinos who send money to family back in Philippines

[rlogan 2,036]

Hello, I just stumbled across this forum when searching for a specific topic. My fiancée is Filipino and I met her here in Michigan about 3 years ago. She came here to the US around 17 years ago on an H-1B work visa, she is a nurse and naturalized citizen. We live together and are engaged to be married. She is really great but we have some issues regarding her family back in the Philippines. They are constantly requesting money from us for “emergencies”. Typical emergencies include: money for medication, money for hospital bills and money to repair home damages from tropical storms. If she doesn’t send money for Birthdays/holidays they get really upset and refuse to talk to her. They constantly “hint” about how broke they are and how they don’t have money for this or that. She has three siblings there, all of which have college degrees but don’t work. Her mother and father “retired” as soon as she arrived in the US but have no savings. We were typically sending about $1500 (US) per month there. Previously sending this much per month was not an issue because we both made good money, she being an RN and I being an engineer. Well, we both decided I need to change careers so I quit my job and applied to med school. So she is now the only provider. Now that I am in school full-time we are broke, medical school is really expensive. Last month we didn’t even have money for food. We literally had 16 dollars in our bank account! I am borrowing money from my parents just to survive. Even in the dire situation we are in, she still feels compelled to send them money-money we don’t have. They have managed to brain wash her into thinking its her responsibility to support the entire family. I can no longer take it. What can I do, I need advice….Please help.

Your family in the Philippines is using emotional blackmail. It is malicious and cruel.

Every day of the week they rise from their lazy beds and consciously think about their plans for blackmailing money out of you instead of working.

It takes maturity to acknowledge bad behavior on the part of your family. Parents who allow their kids to steal, get drunk, skip school, etc. are teaching them to be bad people.

Likewise your wife is teaching them to be bad people. My God, if you were sending $1500 a month they should have a fortune saved up.

If she gives you ####### about "culture" or tradition demands subsidizing laziness and bad character then the response is just that: there's lots from cultures all over the world not worth keeping like slavery, head-hunting, child rape, piracy, etc. The point of marrying outside of a culture in poverty is to adopt the things that make you wealthier and not to do the opposite: impose laziness, shiftlessness, and bad character on the culture of industry, thrift, and wise planning.

If you cannot discuss it with your wife then you need a counsellor to act as an impartial refereee so that her refusal to be reasonable can be called for what it is.

Otherwise, you need a new wife.

[Maxx121 14]

When my SO and i first spoke about this months ago we decided around 10k a month. But honestly after spending a few weeks there with my son and her its waaaaay cheap there and thats a generous amount but not a huge deal.

if you are sending way more than $200 a month there then you MAY be an idiot and need to take some time off and go live in the philippines for a month or two and live like they live to get a good idea what it takes to live there.

You just might be paying the car note of the guy i saw with a benz over there.

Oh, and having a savings doesnt seem to be a big a thing over there. To the individual living off his wife for now going to school i suggest you introduce your wife to a few accounting courses at the local community college and then sit her down and explain just how far the american dollar goes over there.

Cause she is paying for more than just her immediate family.

Edited December 5, 2010 by Maxx121

[lbounds 16]

I send $250 a month to my wife's elderly mother. Besides basic stuff they make payments on a motorcycle they bought instead of just renting for the brother's taxi business. The family has 9 kids. They are fisherman and tricycle drivers. I spent a lot of time with the family on several trips to the province. They never ask me for money. I told my wife I would give her $250 a month to spend on whatever she likes, extra clothes etc. I said this is your extra spending money from our budget and you can do whatever you like with it. You can send to your family but that's up to you. I told her this because I want her to feel she has her "own" money she can do with as she likes without asking me. She chose to send all to her family each month and I feel that is her fair choice to do so.

[Kevin- 13]

$1500/mo is HUGE over there. That's about 3/4 of a million pesos per year. I estimate that's roughly equivalent to a $6000/mo US lifestyle if they're in a nice developed area. If they live in a more remote area, it could be roughly similar to a $20,000/mo lifestyle or more. Please see my post earlier in the thread (from back in April) - it's immoral to "support" people in this way.

[rlogan 2,036]

They never ask me for money. I told my wife I would give her $250 a month to spend on whatever she likes, extra clothes etc. I said this is your extra spending money from our budget and you can do whatever you like with it. You can send to your family but that's up to you. I told her this because I want her to feel she has her "own" money she can do with as she likes without asking me. She chose to send all to her family each month and I feel that is her fair choice to do so.

I do the same thing. It's more, but the same idea. She has not sent money in a while because I broke my leg and have a lot of bills, I can't work as much, and we have a second baby coming. There are two men working in our family's household now too, whereas nobody was working when we met.

To the housewives here, it is a bona-fide job if you ask me. It's worth a lot of money and you are a hero in my eyes. Don't ever let anyone tell you that you are "just" a housewife. Taking care of the children, the house, your man - yeah! Talk about gold!

I know some people think she should work and only be allowed to send that money home, but I think that is only justified if there are no kids and she does not pull enough weight around the house.

Yea, Kevin - I could live on $1500 a month with a wife, family, and mistress over there.

[Tahoma 2,292]

We were typically sending about $1500 (US) per month there.

Now that I am in school full-time we are broke, medical school is really expensive. Last month we didn’t even have money for food. We literally had 16 dollars in our bank account! I am borrowing money from my parents just to survive.

I can no longer take it. What can I do, I need advice….Please help.

Move to 'Pinas, enroll in medical school there, and live with her parents...because they can afford it.

[bigdude 2]

Why did you quit your job when you knew your wife was going to continue supporting her entire barangay?

She agreed we would stop sending all monies to the Ph. once med school started. Her father has some sort of retirement from the govt (not much I suspect) plus we assumed her sisters and brothers would help out her parents as well.

It's not really crappy, because you are doing what you desired. You will either have to adjust to this for a while, or get another job.

It is not possible to work and attend med school at the same time.

Medical school is going to bust you whether wife is sending money home or not. I work at a teaching hospital and most of the doctors are owing well over $100,000 in loans when they finish their residency. You are going to have a rough going bigdude but I respect the effort in trying.

No ###### Atencio.

Your family in the Philippines is using emotional blackmail. It is malicious and cruel.

Every day of the week they rise from their lazy beds and consciously think about their plans for blackmailing money out of you instead of working.

It takes maturity to acknowledge bad behavior on the part of your family. Parents who allow their kids to steal, get drunk, skip school, etc. are teaching them to be bad people.

Likewise your wife is teaching them to be bad people. My God, if you were sending $1500 a month they should have a fortune saved up.

If she gives you ####### about "culture" or tradition demands subsidizing laziness and bad character then the response is just that: there's lots from cultures all over the world not worth keeping like slavery, head-hunting, child rape, piracy, etc. The point of marrying outside of a culture in poverty is to adopt the things that make you wealthier and not to do the opposite: impose laziness, shiftlessness, and bad character on the culture of industry, thrift, and wise planning.

If you cannot discuss it with your wife then you need a counsellor to act as an impartial refereee so that her refusal to be reasonable can be called for what it is.

Otherwise, you need a new wife.

She is not my wife, we were engaged. I broke it off.

When my SO and i first spoke about this months ago we decided around 10k a month. But honestly after spending a few weeks there with my son and her its waaaaay cheap there and thats a generous amount but not a huge deal.

if you are sending way more than $200 a month there then you MAY be an idiot and need to take some time off and go live in the philippines for a month or two and live like they live to get a good idea what it takes to live there.

You just might be paying the car note of the guy i saw with a benz over there.

Oh, and having a savings doesnt seem to be a big a thing over there. To the individual living off his wife for now going to school i suggest you introduce your wife to a few accounting courses at the local community college and then sit her down and explain just how far the american dollar goes over there.

Cause she is paying for more than just her immediate family.

An idiot? Ummm, I have an engineering degree from U of M. Doubt it. My former fiancee was brainwashed into thinking they needed money. They entire time I was suggesting not to send more than $100 per month.

Move to 'Pinas, enroll in medical school there, and live with her parents...because they can afford it.

I couldn't do that because I want to learn medicine, not purchase a degree from a diploma mill.

[bigdude 2]

To anyone interested, I have since broke off my engagement with her. Now I live in on-campus housing (well starting in Jan. I move on campus). We are selling our house and we will split the equity. My life is significantly better without the stress of parents extorting money from us. I am thankful we didn't actually get married, that would have been a diaster.

Her parents were using the money we would send to buy cigarettes, alcohol, gamble, fancy dinners as well as giving it to other family members. We found this out from other people that live in that city. When they found out we were selling our house and had split up, they asked if they could have $10,000 (US dollars) for medical bills and medications that they said they had acquired....LOL.....I was crying from laughing so hard.

I learned my lesson, stay away from Filipinos. They are bred to do one thing, get as much money as possible without working for it.

Edited December 13, 2010 by bigdude

[Maxx121 14]

To anyone interested, I have since broke off my engagement with her. Now I live in on-campus housing (well starting in Jan. I move on campus). We are selling our house and we will split the equity. My life is significantly better without the stress of parents extorting money from us. I am thankful we didn't actually get married, that would have been a diaster.

Her parents were using the money we would send to buy cigarettes, alcohol, gamble, fancy dinners as well as giving it to other family members. We found this out from other people that live in that city. When they found out we were selling our house and had split up, they asked if they could have $10,000 (US dollars) for medical bills and medications that they said they had acquired....LOL.....I was crying from laughing so hard.

I learned my lesson, stay away from Filipinos. They are bred to do one thing, get as much money as possible without working for it.

Thats a bad lesson to learn from this. If anything you should stay away from women who dont know how to cut loose from the noose family can put around their necks.

Im shocked she doesnt see anything wrong with supporting such bad habits. She is being scammed by her family and thats crazy. Breaking up is a bit harsh if you love her in your situation. Unless she is refusing to adjust her habits. Maybe direct her to this sight?

[bigdude 2]

Thats a bad lesson to learn from this. If anything you should stay away from women who dont know how to cut loose from the noose family can put around their necks.

Im shocked she doesnt see anything wrong with supporting such bad habits. She is being scammed by her family and thats crazy. Breaking up is a bit harsh if you love her in your situation. Unless she is refusing to adjust her habits. Maybe direct her to this sight?

Thanks for your input but I am completely comfortable breaking up. I am not interested in trying to change her or her habits. She enjoys sending money to her family so who am I try and change that?

[one...two...tree 2,762]

I learned my lesson, stay away from Filipinos. They are bred to do one thing, get as much money as possible without working for it.

Well your ex-gf deserves better. No use in her spending any more time with a racist.

[bigdude 2]

Well your ex-gf deserves better. No use in her spending any more time with a racist.

I am not racist. Categorically a "fair weather liberal".

[Ban Hammer 13,445]

let's stop the generalizations and insults.

Edited December 13, 2010 by charles!

[Fandango 1,439]

To anyone interested, I have since broke off my engagement with her. Now I live in on-campus housing (well starting in Jan. I move on campus). We are selling our house and we will split the equity. My life is significantly better without the stress of parents extorting money from us. I am thankful we didn't actually get married, that would have been a diaster.

Her parents were using the money we would send to buy cigarettes, alcohol, gamble, fancy dinners as well as giving it to other family members. We found this out from other people that live in that city. When they found out we were selling our house and had split up, they asked if they could have $10,000 (US dollars) for medical bills and medications that they said they had acquired....LOL.....I was crying from laughing so hard.

I learned my lesson, stay away from Filipinos. They are bred to do one thing, get as much money as possible without working for it.

To be fair, she was working and sending the money she earned over there. And she was sending it well before she met you.

You bash Filipinos in one breath, yet the image of your ex fiancee - a hardworking career minded responsible woman who sends an exceptionally large amt of money home - do not jive with one another. I understand that marriage is 50/50 and while you going to med school was a choice you both made wrt to household finances, it's really unfortunate that you're just genuinely pissed off that she didn't support YOU.

Edited December 13, 2010 by Lisa C

[Deputy Purple 1,294]

I learned my lesson, stay away from Filipinos. They are bred to do one thing, get as much money as possible without working for it.

You can stay away from my Filipino for sure!

Maybe the lesson you needed to learn is to pay better attention to the person you want to play house with.

Your problem with her was that she didn't keep her word to you (which was to stop sending so much back home and support your through Med School). That has less to do with her being Filipino and more to do with other issues of her character.