Advise on how to handle the separation?

[Sandrila 1]

It is sad to see that nasty spirit of fear overtaking you. What I have learned is that this spirit of fear actually blocks the blessings that G-d has in store for you. Your words:

I have read lots of stories here that scare me about the Moroccan embassy and how they send applications back to start over. I think that's what ended up sending me over into this mood. I feel so out of control of my own life and I'm not used to that. I mean we took our time getting to know each other, making sure there was a good, solid friendship first and we fell in love and decided to marry. I just don't understand why everything has to be so complicated.

Please understand that every case is different. Don't start reading into other people's cases and letting their difficulties overwhelm you. Fear is False Evidence Appearing Real. Stand on the Word of G-d, ask for an increase of faith as well as asking Him to remove your fear, and put your complete trust in Him if you have not done so already.

Oh Nagi that was so brillantly put

[Sandrila 1]

Thank you everyone for your kind words. I really am not trying to make this more difficult than it has to be. I had been planning a trip to see him during my school's winter break. Now, due to his work, I cannot. You see he had to quit his job to marry me. The process took over 5 weeks to get all the paperwork done there this summer. He's been looking for work and has found it. I am very happy for him as I know this was very important to him but it means that while he works in another city, there's no possibility of a visit. It was the thing that was getting me through all of this and now I'm struggling with the idea that I don't know when I will see him again. Then to read that we might have more delays in Casa and I just became so overwhelmed and don't know if I made the right choice to come back here, even though it's what we had planned for so it really was the only choice because I have a job here and not there.

I may be getting too personal here, but I do appreciate the advise shared. I'm just going to have to keep busy. Thanks again everyone.

It really isn't easy (or quick) getting married over there

What a pain the #######...and sorry he had to leave his job for that

I used to burdened with wondering if or how I would come up with the money to go and you know what

GOD always came thru...the most we spent away from each other was something like 10 1/2 months.

It is good you have a good family who know your situation, understands and supports you.

Thank God again for that

[KarimaG 2]

I want to stay here too... and Im sure Vanessa does too... life is much easlier here. But if he cant come here, I will move to Morocco to be with him. My whole life has been sh!t and I am not wasting another minute being without him. I want happiness finally... and if I have to leave everything here to be with him, then I will with no regrets.

I do think about the great things we have here. Good insurance, good doctors... etc... lol I want to get pregnant again, and I know if I move there then I will not be able to since I almost died from my last pregnancy. I just think it would be too risky to be pregnant here, let alone there. I also love reading other ppls sucess stories, and everyday I get on visa praying to read another story to help me keep my chin up and to give me hope to try to make it through another day alone.

Its easier to hang on when you have support. And Im glad u have that support Vanessa that you need! In the meantime, I'm tallying up what I would possible get for everything I own in my house to go there.... hhhhh

Karima...it is easy to feel desperate at times like these especially with very long and seemingly never ending wait times.

I also was at a point in my life where I felt I had nothing to lose. Nothing going right for me here.

Life seemingly relaxed and easy going over there. But believe me in Morocco nothing EASY about it.

I too had to consider what I would do if he couldn't come to the US or how long it would be and could we withstand that.

There were times I didn't care to consider anything else but just being there with him, as if life would be so grande.

I had no qualms leaving the US but permanently? I didn't care about money...but having none, nothing and no one around me I could talk to or the freedom to go out alone. Work, I am his wife, that would have been my work.

But as hard as it was to dream about it being that easy, as relieved as I thought I would be just "being" with him I had to snap out of that quick and be sensible. I didn't have a job I could just up and leave and come back to. I didn't have family or children who would necessarily understand or justify my absence. I didn't have the funds to support he and I back in Morocco. If I didn't have stability here, how could we even have a chance here? What if I didn't like being there endlessly with no hope of coming back to see my kids or restarting my life?

I believe in love and I believe that love can make you do foolish things so my comment is just about playing the smart card. Think before you leap. Have patience...sometimes GOD has greater things in store.

The best way is to keep taking care of yourself. I wouldn't recommend you giving up everything, burning your bridges and making your life harder for the sake of love better take your time and do the responsible thing and what will in turn help and better your relationship in the future with your husband (fiancee).

I honestly understand what you are saying. I wholeheartedly do. But the only way to move there would be to give up everything here. When we went into this process we had the attitude of 'no matter what'... if he could not come here, not matter what, I would go there,... I would be upsetting if he had any other attitude. That if he could not get visa that 'either' of us would consider it to be over. I think when you go through something like this you have to be completely committed. But I do realise things there are different, and depending where you live it doesnt have to be that different. I would not mind being a just housewife... that being my job. I would be able to leave the home alone, and not be stuck in it 24/7. I would have his family there, and that would help alot. Not to saying there would not be any difficulties or things to ge used to... But just thinking along the lines that if one dream didnt work out, build another. I think there are some people out there who could not handle the change and come people out there who could.

Im going nutty getting more evidence. We have only 1 red flag, and thats age. 18 years. But I swear you dont see it in our pictures. If you look at us side by side you would think 'maybe' 5. I hoping that they will see all our "122" pictures I sent them and overlook the difference of age! lol

Vanessa? What are your plans and thoughts? Do you have a plan B? (((HUgs!)))

PS: Thanks a bunch for everyones responses. you gave me some things to thing about... (((Hugs!!)))

[Sandrila 1]

Karima I would never suggest losing each other over it.

If it is meant to be it will be, right?

I just wanted to let you know I understand how you feel and at times it is easy to jump right in

and if you aren't familiar with "real" life living as a housewife in Morocco you may be in for a surprise.

Of course every man is different as to what he will or will not allow his wife to do.

He is different as to what he expects from his wife.

Surely there are situations where the husband is working a very good job, self sufficient and easy going.

There are also the families of our husbands who are comfortable and/or well off and in that case your life

would be more easy going and less oppressive (i.e. financially and or culturally).

I know that I learned more and more about how life is there and about who my husband is and what he expects more and more each time I went there. A total of 4 times before he arrived to the US. I love the country too and the culture and food and all that but I knew that we would live a better life here. I don't think I could continue to live life the way I that I know it and feel more comfortable had I had to and live there permanently. There really is a difference living there on vacation and living there indefinitely. There is also a difference too in anyone's relationship once you get past the long distance and you start to live face to face.

I am not trying to sway you either way but in hindsight I just wanted to say I hope you come to some ressolution as to what you want to do so that you can be with your sweetheart. Be wary of abandoning ship too quickly.

[momof1 205]

My very real, very honest answer to your question "how to handle the separation" is to just handle it whatever way you can. I mean, reallly, what other choice do you have? Remember that this is not a neverending situation. It is definitely an extremely difficult situation. How you handle yourself and your emotions will determine just how hard/easy it will be overall.

Just try to remind yourself of your goal. Keep your eyes on the prize. Every single day that you are apart is one day closer to being together.

I know my situation is different than most on this forum, but I do know how hard the pain of separation is. I woke up one day to receive a letter in the mail from Dept of Homeland Security. My husband came home one way on a flight from Seattle(he was working), and one week later he was gone not to return home for 27 months. The biggest difficulty(other than trying to overcome a lifetime ban) for me was our son. I'm a grown woman and I had the tools to take care of myself financially and emotionally in my husband's absence. My son on the other hand was only 3 when my husband was deported. Having to explain to a child why his father won't come home or "why he doesn't love us anymore?" were some of the most difficult moments. My husband returned in july just a few short weeks before our son's 6th birthday. His dad missed half of his life, but you know what? We are healing. We are moving on. That painful time in our lives is over. It does end, and you do feel like a normal person again. Your time will come too.

I wish you lots and lots of strength and patience while you wait. Every pain and every suffering will not be in vain.

[sara535 15]

My best advice about surviving the wait is to keep busy and dont lose your own life. You had a life, presumably one with activities and friends and things to do, before you met your SO and began this 'visa journey'. Dont let all that go - it just makes the wait seem longer and more unbearable. It WILL end, you WILL be together, so find something to do other than count the minutes/hours/days - you know what they say about the watched pot never boling

[KarimaG 2]

Karima I would never suggest losing each other over it.

If it is meant to be it will be, right?

I just wanted to let you know I understand how you feel and at times it is easy to jump right in

and if you aren't familiar with "real" life living as a housewife in Morocco you may be in for a surprise.

Of course every man is different as to what he will or will not allow his wife to do.

He is different as to what he expects from his wife.

Surely there are situations where the husband is working a very good job, self sufficient and easy going.

There are also the families of our husbands who are comfortable and/or well off and in that case your life

would be more easy going and less oppressive (i.e. financially and or culturally).

I know that I learned more and more about how life is there and about who my husband is and what he expects more and more each time I went there. A total of 4 times before he arrived to the US. I love the country too and the culture and food and all that but I knew that we would live a better life here. I don't think I could continue to live life the way I that I know it and feel more comfortable had I had to and live there permanently. There really is a difference living there on vacation and living there indefinitely. There is also a difference too in anyone's relationship once you get past the long distance and you start to live face to face.

I am not trying to sway you either way but in hindsight I just wanted to say I hope you come to some ressolution as to what you want to do so that you can be with your sweetheart. Be wary of abandoning ship too quickly.

Sorry Sandrila, didnt mean to misinterpret. I can imagine there are so many different things Im not aware of over there. But one thing I am aware of is how it financially sucks over there... lol But I guess I kind of weight the happiness factor, and of course other factors of how my life would be here, and how it would be there. I guess I you knew my life story it would be easy to see why I would so easily leave everything here and go there. But I look at all the aspects too, and take in everything, pros and cons. I guess no one knows until it comes down to that decision. Then everything is weighed a little more carefully. But as it stands now.. I'd leave in a heartbeat! You would think that the closer it gets to the interview date it would get easier. But actually it seems each day gets harder. You worry and fret more. Each day you get closer to the decision that someone else will make about your future and happiness.

OMG... Im on a rant. Let me go to bed before this is 3 pages again. I have no idea what Im saying...lol I had a tooth pulled on Monday and as it stands now, the dentist that pulled my tooth is probably lucky I not know where he lives or his telephone number or I'd have to give him a piece of my mind (or foot)! Its 4 days later and I have never been in soo much pain in my life!!! Let me knock myself out and go to bed..... Goodnight!! PS: Thanks Sandrilla and others for your kind responses... you did give me something to think about. And Vanessa I pray you are feeling better and all this is helping you too!! (((Hugs!)))

[AlHayatZween 2]

One of the things that we did to keep each other sane during the long separation was to make sure we had $$ set aside to call each other every single day. We didn't miss a day even if we could only afford calling cards for a few minutes. In hindsight, this really got me through. i also budgeted my money and every break i got from work, i went to Morocco. It was expensive, i ended up losing my hair, losing some friends, but we pulled through and here we are today... alhamdulilah.

Yes, it is true that Casa is a difficult consulate. You may get the runaround, (you might also pass right through with flying colors!) but either way, it is good that you are aware of the potential difficulties ahead... For right now, just organize all your photocopies, all your proofs, save anything and everything you have that could be evidence, and inchallah, you will pull through okay!

[Vanessa1 7]

I want to say a BIG, BIG, BIG THANK YOU to everyone who posted. I had to take a little time away from this to try to get my head back on straight but I read everyone's posts and seriously the advise in there is great. I realized that I did have myself in the state of mind where I was thinking it just wasn't going to happen at all and once I realized that I was able to calm down the worst case thoughts and see this in a more rational manner again. We're going to get through this, we're going to be together again, and for now I just need to focus on getting my ducks in a row and taking each day individually and focus on the things we do have instead of what we don't yet have. I'm feeling a lot better thinking like that. Knowing myself, I'll have to be reminded of that again as time marches on but for now I am in a much better place and seriously thank you all for your thoughts. They helped so very much!

[KarimaG 2]

I want to say a BIG, BIG, BIG THANK YOU to everyone who posted. I had to take a little time away from this to try to get my head back on straight but I read everyone's posts and seriously the advise in there is great. I realized that I did have myself in the state of mind where I was thinking it just wasn't going to happen at all and once I realized that I was able to calm down the worst case thoughts and see this in a more rational manner again. We're going to get through this, we're going to be together again, and for now I just need to focus on getting my ducks in a row and taking each day individually and focus on the things we do have instead of what we don't yet have. I'm feeling a lot better thinking like that. Knowing myself, I'll have to be reminded of that again as time marches on but for now I am in a much better place and seriously thank you all for your thoughts. They helped so very much!

Hey Vanessa! Its great your feeling better!! Everything be fine inshallah!! (((Hugs!))))

[Vanessa1 7]

I want to say a BIG, BIG, BIG THANK YOU to everyone who posted. I had to take a little time away from this to try to get my head back on straight but I read everyone's posts and seriously the advise in there is great. I realized that I did have myself in the state of mind where I was thinking it just wasn't going to happen at all and once I realized that I was able to calm down the worst case thoughts and see this in a more rational manner again. We're going to get through this, we're going to be together again, and for now I just need to focus on getting my ducks in a row and taking each day individually and focus on the things we do have instead of what we don't yet have. I'm feeling a lot better thinking like that. Knowing myself, I'll have to be reminded of that again as time marches on but for now I am in a much better place and seriously thank you all for your thoughts. They helped so very much!

Hey Vanessa! Its great your feeling better!! Everything be fine inshallah!! (((Hugs!))))

Thank you! I really do feel a lot better. It helps that I spent a good amount of time with my hubby today too. But I was in a better frame of mind before then. There was so much good advice given by everyone and I appreciate it so much!

[KarimaG 2]

I want to say a BIG, BIG, BIG THANK YOU to everyone who posted. I had to take a little time away from this to try to get my head back on straight but I read everyone's posts and seriously the advise in there is great. I realized that I did have myself in the state of mind where I was thinking it just wasn't going to happen at all and once I realized that I was able to calm down the worst case thoughts and see this in a more rational manner again. We're going to get through this, we're going to be together again, and for now I just need to focus on getting my ducks in a row and taking each day individually and focus on the things we do have instead of what we don't yet have. I'm feeling a lot better thinking like that. Knowing myself, I'll have to be reminded of that again as time marches on but for now I am in a much better place and seriously thank you all for your thoughts. They helped so very much!

Hey Vanessa! Its great your feeling better!! Everything be fine inshallah!! (((Hugs!))))

Thank you! I really do feel a lot better. It helps that I spent a good amount of time with my hubby today too. But I was in a better frame of mind before then. There was so much good advice given by everyone and I appreciate it so much!

Time with Hubby always helps!! Im lucky that I get to see my fiance every day... if not I'd be a basket case! lol