Advise on how to handle the separation?

[Vanessa1 7]

Hi everyone,

I apologize at the beginning if I end up sounding like I'm whining too much. I know everyone is going through a similar situation, but I am finding that I am just not handling it well. I haven't seen my husband since the end of July and I am finding it more and more difficult to get through the days. I have a good job, good family, and our relationship is doing well, so there's nothing major to be upset about...well, other than spending my first year of marriage away from my husband. I feel bad talking to friends and family anymore because there's just nothing they can say or do that gives consolation. My husband tries to be strong for me and tells me to try to not think about it so much, but I'm finding it difficult.

I have read lots of stories here that scare me about the Moroccan embassy and how they send applications back to start over. I think that's what ended up sending me over into this mood. I feel so out of control of my own life and I'm not used to that. I mean we took our time getting to know each other, making sure there was a good, solid friendship first and we fell in love and decided to marry. I just don't understand why everything has to be so complicated. I've waited my whole life to find someone as wonderful as Omar and he's perfect for me. So just because he's not American or I'm not Moroccan, why does it have to be this hard? We want to start a family, start a life, and all we seem to get is more obstacles in the way. It seems each week I'm learning about another step, another fee, another excuse why this process will take longer and keep us separated. I just want my husband to come home. It killed me to get on that plane and leave him to come back to work and I just don't know how much more of this I can take.

Again, I apologize for the serious downer that this post is but I just don't know who else to turn to. I don't want to spend all of the precious time my husband and I have together (online or the phone) with being sad, so I put on a brave face for him most of the time and try to focus on the positives...and there are so many! I know I am a blessed woman. I guess that's why this is so hard. And my family and friends just don't know what to say. Don't get me wrong, they are wonderfully supportive, but how is it that everyone gets through this? What have you done to deal with these emotions and try to keep the hope up and live your life while you wait? Any advise would really be appreciated!

[NancylovesAhmad 1]

It is hard and it does get sad. We have been going through the visa process since February and we are still not done. One positive way to think about it is that since your case is filed and you have gotten the receipt you are one step ahead of some people that have yet to file or are still preparing their documents. Another positive, in my opinion, is that even though it is hard to be away from your SO it does make you appreciate one another one and you will cherish the time you are together more than other people that havent had to suffer through being apart. What has kept me going is by trying cut back on what I spend and saving money to plan trips to go see him to be able to break up the time apart. If that is not an option for you right now then it is always good to be around friends and family whose company you enjoy. Before you know it the time will start to move by and later on when its over you will look back and be able to smile when he is with you. Also its not a bad idea to maybe take up a new hobby that interests you or a class at your local gym. I have been keeping myself busy by completely throwing myself into work and my classes and on the weekends I always try to make plans so that I dont sit at home being depressed. Hope your days fly by and you get your hubby with you soon. Take care.

Hi everyone,

I apologize at the beginning if I end up sounding like I'm whining too much. I know everyone is going through a similar situation, but I am finding that I am just not handling it well. I haven't seen my husband since the end of July and I am finding it more and more difficult to get through the days. I have a good job, good family, and our relationship is doing well, so there's nothing major to be upset about...well, other than spending my first year of marriage away from my husband. I feel bad talking to friends and family anymore because there's just nothing they can say or do that gives consolation. My husband tries to be strong for me and tells me to try to not think about it so much, but I'm finding it difficult.

I have read lots of stories here that scare me about the Moroccan embassy and how they send applications back to start over. I think that's what ended up sending me over into this mood. I feel so out of control of my own life and I'm not used to that. I mean we took our time getting to know each other, making sure there was a good, solid friendship first and we fell in love and decided to marry. I just don't understand why everything has to be so complicated. I've waited my whole life to find someone as wonderful as Omar and he's perfect for me. So just because he's not American or I'm not Moroccan, why does it have to be this hard? We want to start a family, start a life, and all we seem to get is more obstacles in the way. It seems each week I'm learning about another step, another fee, another excuse why this process will take longer and keep us separated. I just want my husband to come home. It killed me to get on that plane and leave him to come back to work and I just don't know how much more of this I can take.

Again, I apologize for the serious downer that this post is but I just don't know who else to turn to. I don't want to spend all of the precious time my husband and I have together (online or the phone) with being sad, so I put on a brave face for him most of the time and try to focus on the positives...and there are so many! I know I am a blessed woman. I guess that's why this is so hard. And my family and friends just don't know what to say. Don't get me wrong, they are wonderfully supportive, but how is it that everyone gets through this? What have you done to deal with these emotions and try to keep the hope up and live your life while you wait? Any advise would really be appreciated!

[Brit Abroad 166]

Separation is hard, but many people seem to have the knack of making it worse than it needs to be.

Use this enforced separation to get to know what your husband is looking forward to AND dreading about coming to America. Life will probably be very different for him, he will be homesick at some stage and knowing what you can do to help will be hugely beneficial when he gets here.

Take the opportunity to spend time with your family and friends, as when hubby arrives you'll want to spend all your time with him.

Take a cookery class and learn to cook all the foods he likes from home, learn about all the spices in Moroccan food and how to blend them properly so you can make your own rather than paying a lot of money to buy ready made, take a class to learn his language so you can give him a break from speaking English all the time. Read read read anything you can get your hands on that will assist you to help him keep his cultural identity and not feel like he's given part of himself up by moving to a foreign country. Find out where the halal stores are and start looking at labels so you don't make any food gaffes, if he's Muslim that's a big thing to learn. If you plan on starting a family soon after he arrives, read up on how to eat/exercise/relax and get your body into prime condition for pregnancy.

There are lots of positives you can plan for, even if you aren't having the benefit of your husband right now. The more you allow yourself to wallow in frustration and self-pity the unhappier you will be and it will blight what should be a happy time of preparation for your future life together.

If something is worth having, it's worth waiting for. When it's the person who completes you, you can survive the months in order to gain a lifetime!

[Nagishkaw 510]

It is sad to see that nasty spirit of fear overtaking you. What I have learned is that this spirit of fear actually blocks the blessings that G-d has in store for you. Your words:

I have read lots of stories here that scare me about the Moroccan embassy and how they send applications back to start over. I think that's what ended up sending me over into this mood. I feel so out of control of my own life and I'm not used to that. I mean we took our time getting to know each other, making sure there was a good, solid friendship first and we fell in love and decided to marry. I just don't understand why everything has to be so complicated.

Please understand that every case is different. Don't start reading into other people's cases and letting their difficulties overwhelm you. Fear is False Evidence Appearing Real. Stand on the Word of G-d, ask for an increase of faith as well as asking Him to remove your fear, and put your complete trust in Him if you have not done so already.

[*Maureen* 0]

Hi Vanessa

First, stop worrying about the "what ifs" It's way too soon to worry about the petition being sent back, your journey has just begun. If you keep focusing on the negatives, you will only make this process much harder.

As for advice on dealing with the separation, it's hard. There will be days that will seem much worse but you can't let it get to you. If you plan on returning there for a visit during this process, you can always have that in mind for something to look forward to. I wish you the best of luck in your journey and a very speedy reunion with your husband.

Edited November 12, 2009 by *Maureen*

[Vanessa1 7]

Thank you everyone for your kind words. I really am not trying to make this more difficult than it has to be. I had been planning a trip to see him during my school's winter break. Now, due to his work, I cannot. You see he had to quit his job to marry me. The process took over 5 weeks to get all the paperwork done there this summer. He's been looking for work and has found it. I am very happy for him as I know this was very important to him but it means that while he works in another city, there's no possibility of a visit. It was the thing that was getting me through all of this and now I'm struggling with the idea that I don't know when I will see him again. Then to read that we might have more delays in Casa and I just became so overwhelmed and don't know if I made the right choice to come back here, even though it's what we had planned for so it really was the only choice because I have a job here and not there.

I may be getting too personal here, but I do appreciate the advise shared. I'm just going to have to keep busy. Thanks again everyone.

[And_Sam 44]

Separation is hard, but many people seem to have the knack of making it worse than it needs to be.

Use this enforced separation to get to know what your husband is looking forward to AND dreading about coming to America. Life will probably be very different for him, he will be homesick at some stage and knowing what you can do to help will be hugely beneficial when he gets here.

Take the opportunity to spend time with your family and friends, as when hubby arrives you'll want to spend all your time with him.

Take a cookery class and learn to cook all the foods he likes from home, learn about all the spices in Moroccan food and how to blend them properly so you can make your own rather than paying a lot of money to buy ready made, take a class to learn his language so you can give him a break from speaking English all the time. Read read read anything you can get your hands on that will assist you to help him keep his cultural identity and not feel like he's given part of himself up by moving to a foreign country. Find out where the halal stores are and start looking at labels so you don't make any food gaffes, if he's Muslim that's a big thing to learn. If you plan on starting a family soon after he arrives, read up on how to eat/exercise/relax and get your body into prime condition for pregnancy.

There are lots of positives you can plan for, even if you aren't having the benefit of your husband right now. The more you allow yourself to wallow in frustration and self-pity the unhappier you will be and it will blight what should be a happy time of preparation for your future life together.

If something is worth having, it's worth waiting for. When it's the person who completes you, you can survive the months in order to gain a lifetime!

[attaya_girl 1]

Separation is hard, but many people seem to have the knack of making it worse than it needs to be.

Use this enforced separation to get to know what your husband is looking forward to AND dreading about coming to America. Life will probably be very different for him, he will be homesick at some stage and knowing what you can do to help will be hugely beneficial when he gets here.

Take the opportunity to spend time with your family and friends, as when hubby arrives you'll want to spend all your time with him.

Take a cookery class and learn to cook all the foods he likes from home, learn about all the spices in Moroccan food and how to blend them properly so you can make your own rather than paying a lot of money to buy ready made, take a class to learn his language so you can give him a break from speaking English all the time. Read read read anything you can get your hands on that will assist you to help him keep his cultural identity and not feel like he's given part of himself up by moving to a foreign country. Find out where the halal stores are and start looking at labels so you don't make any food gaffes, if he's Muslim that's a big thing to learn. If you plan on starting a family soon after he arrives, read up on how to eat/exercise/relax and get your body into prime condition for pregnancy.

There are lots of positives you can plan for, even if you aren't having the benefit of your husband right now. The more you allow yourself to wallow in frustration and self-pity the unhappier you will be and it will blight what should be a happy time of preparation for your future life together.

If something is worth having, it's worth waiting for. When it's the person who completes you, you can survive the months in order to gain a lifetime!

I completely agree with the last line-it is definitely worth the wait

While keeping busy is good advice, there are days when, no matter what you do, you still feel like you're falling apart. I worked hard at learning two of my husband's languages, I worked my way through cookbooks, I worked two jobs, I set everything up in our apartment to prepare for him, I read the Koran, I read books about the Koran-I kept myself insanely busy. While all of this was well and good, I cried almost everyday that we were apart, and no matter how busy I was, it didn't mean that I missed him any less. I didn't have fun. It was not a "happy time of preparation," even though I tried to make it exactly that. I feel like I was sleep walking for the 8+ months we were apart. We were both miserable and anxious to be together.

I guess I just want to sympathize with the OP. It's not a fun process, and I'm sorry. Do try not to think about the horror stories, though. Just do everything that you can do to be prepared. After that, it's beyond your control.

To the OP, good luck to you. I hope you have a quick journey and that you are reunited soon.

Edited November 12, 2009 by attaya_girl

[KarimaG 2]

I think separations for anyone is hard. For some its not so much, but for some its a little harder, depending maybe whats going on in ones life. But I understand completely how you feel, and have wondered about those "what ifs" too. Your lucky to have friends and family who support you. My journey has been hard from the beginning. My parents did not support my relationship. In the beginning my mother looked for every obsticle to put in front of us. When I first told her it tore the family apart for a long time. Didnt speak, I had to change to locks on my doors bc they had keys to the aprtment. Hide everything I had, papers and passports or they would be stolen. Thing are tolerable now, but I still cant confide in them. I then found vj and attempted to make friends on her and gain support, but that didnt happen. So Im just pretty much a lurker now and dont post that often.

Im pretty much doing the visa process alone. I do the paperwork and find out information... but my fiance is great in the support area. lol I say doing the paperwork and things alone bc he works about 15 hours a day. Depending on the season he works more. When he isnt working, hes talking to me on cam, which is about 3:00am usually his time or later, or he's sleeping.

No one who is not in this situation would ever understand how difficult it is. It is like being away from the other half of your body. Having to eat alone, to watch tv alone, take walks alone, sleep alone, wake up alone, no matter what it is, its diffucult. It think the worst time for me is at night, climbing in bed and turning out the light and listening to the silence. Its deafening.

I try to busy myself in work, and getting my house ready for my fiances arrival. I have no idea what decision the embassy will come to, but I have to do something. So, its the house. Yeasterday I painted a shelf and cleaned for 2 days. I try to do something construction, but actually spend most my t ime in bed, just lying there watching tv and wishing he was there beside me. When we talk on cam, I see him, and his lips, and hair, and arms, and not hearing anything that he's saying at all. Just watching every movement he makes. And what I wouldnt do to fly there now.

I remember when I left the airport... Or actually was leaving the airport... I almost could not walk to the gate. Kissing him goodbye was the worst moment in my life. I remember I picked a argument with security... I did not want to go... I was kissing him goodbye, and barnie from security came running demanding our marriage certificate. We were not married, but my fiance told him it was left at home. He kept yelling on us, and walked away. I asked him what he had said. He told me and I got soo mad. I was thinking that this was the worst moment of my life and he's trying to deprive me of kssing my fiance goodbye. He was my husband in my heart! So.... I guess bc I was feeling so bad It just was the last straw. I looked at Barnie, and then turned and kissed my fiance square on the lips! Again, and again,....lol Im sure it was disrespectful, but leaving was heartwrenching... and a thougth came to me... maybe he would detaine me and whallall! I would get to stay! Of course I would miss my plane right?? hehe Yeah I know it was bad to do that! But we all know or remember how it felt to get on that plane and I just did not want to do it. And then, when I did get on the plane, can you believe I prayed something would happen and it would crash in Morocco! "Everyone living and being ok of course"... I did not want to get over the waters for nothing.

This post was a little longer than I intended it to be, and for that Im sorry. Just wanted you to know that your not alone. I cant begin to tell how how many nights I think of just not waking up... just bc of stress, no support, being alone, and dang it all having to crawl in the bed one more time alone. But if I did, I would never have my chance of being with him. And he's the only thing that keeps me from it. Just remember, try to keep busy, think of the future, decorate your home for him,... and know that its not forever. There's an end! (((Hugs)))

[KittyPollitt 284]

I remember when I left the airport... Or actually was leaving the airport... I almost could not walk to the gate. Kissing him goodbye was the worst moment in my life. I remember I picked a argument with security... I did not want to go... I was kissing him goodbye, and barnie from security came running demanding our marriage certificate. We were not married, but my fiance told him it was left at home. He kept yelling on us, and walked away. I asked him what he had said. He told me and I got soo mad. I was thinking that this was the worst moment of my life and he's trying to deprive me of kssing my fiance goodbye. He was my husband in my heart! So.... I guess bc I was feeling so bad It just was the last straw. I looked at Barnie, and then turned and kissed my fiance square on the lips! Again, and again,....lol Im sure it was disrespectful, but leaving was heartwrenching... and a thougth came to me... maybe he would detaine me and whallall! I would get to stay! Of course I would miss my plane right?? hehe Yeah I know it was bad to do that! But we all know or remember how it felt to get on that plane and I just did not want to do it. And then, when I did get on the plane, can you believe I prayed something would happen and it would crash in Morocco! "Everyone living and being ok of course"... I did not want to get over the waters for nothing.

Omg you sound just like me.. I cried when I saw the coast of Morocco disappear, and I cried even harder when New York came upon the horizon.. It really sucks, but I think about the better life we can provide for our kids here, and all the opportunities we will be able to share together that might not be possible in Morocco.. Those are the things that keep me holding on and keep me from selling everything I own to move to Casablanca, lol..

Hang on, Vanessa.. VJ is a great place for support because we're all going through this and there's always someone to talk to... Reading other people's success stories and happy endings can be a great morale boost, too..

[KarimaG 2]

I want to stay here too... and Im sure Vanessa does too... life is much easlier here. But if he cant come here, I will move to Morocco to be with him. My whole life has been sh!t and I am not wasting another minute being without him. I want happiness finally... and if I have to leave everything here to be with him, then I will with no regrets.

I do think about the great things we have here. Good insurance, good doctors... etc... lol I want to get pregnant again, and I know if I move there then I will not be able to since I almost died from my last pregnancy. I just think it would be too risky to be pregnant here, let alone there. I also love reading other ppls sucess stories, and everyday I get on visa praying to read another story to help me keep my chin up and to give me hope to try to make it through another day alone.

Its easier to hang on when you have support. And Im glad u have that support Vanessa that you need! In the meantime, I'm tallying up what I would possible get for everything I own in my house to go there.... hhhhh

[KittyPollitt 284]

In the meantime, I'm tallying up what I would possible get for everything I own in my house to go there.... hhhhh

Lets see.. selling my car would get me there, and maybe pay the bribe to get a job lol....

[baron555 934]

OK Vannesa, I'm going to be direct with you.

Yes your feelings are real; take consolation from your family and friends. Treasure them for what they are worth.

Now, it seems you KNOW what to do:

You have stated that the Morrocan consulate can be strict.......then girl, you and your man get cracking.

Start purposefully building the many evidences that you will need to convince them you two are the real deal.

Don't just live your lives; start planning now and doing now for what you will present at the interview.

These international relationships require us to go through extraordinary measures; start doing yours now.

Speak about it with your husband. Research what problems others have had and what went well for others.

Incorporate that into your two's plan of attack. Make a Plan. Work your Plan.

All will be OK. Luck comes with hard work. Get cracking!!!

[Sandrila 1]

Your post sounds alot like how I used to feel as well Vanessa.

It is a hard, very trying time. The worst part is all you can do is wait and waiting not knowing what is going on.

We too went thru Casa Consulate and all I can say is you have to wait it out, be patient and strong although at times you feel very alone and don't have others close to you who can relate to you and what you are going thru. Turn to God and pray, he will hear you and get you thru this despairing time.

Don't think of it as you are not deserving of your chance.

Think of it as waiting for your chance to start.

You will have a chance and unfortunately in this journey we are all but a number. We wait for our number to come up, hear something, breathe a little. Then when the number comes up, we may have delays or AP but you wait on it, then you breathe a little more. Finally in the end, and it will end, you will get to EXHALE.

Everyone's situation and relationship is so unique so there is no definite outcome until the you get that visa in your hand.

I will tell you that it may seem like you can't bear anymore but you will get thru it and before you know it it will be a thing of the past and you will come to realize it was worth the wait and that your life together is the real journey.

[Sandrila 1]

I want to stay here too... and Im sure Vanessa does too... life is much easlier here. But if he cant come here, I will move to Morocco to be with him. My whole life has been sh!t and I am not wasting another minute being without him. I want happiness finally... and if I have to leave everything here to be with him, then I will with no regrets.

I do think about the great things we have here. Good insurance, good doctors... etc... lol I want to get pregnant again, and I know if I move there then I will not be able to since I almost died from my last pregnancy. I just think it would be too risky to be pregnant here, let alone there. I also love reading other ppls sucess stories, and everyday I get on visa praying to read another story to help me keep my chin up and to give me hope to try to make it through another day alone.

Its easier to hang on when you have support. And Im glad u have that support Vanessa that you need! In the meantime, I'm tallying up what I would possible get for everything I own in my house to go there.... hhhhh

Karima...it is easy to feel desperate at times like these especially with very long and seemingly never ending wait times.

I also was at a point in my life where I felt I had nothing to lose. Nothing going right for me here.

Life seemingly relaxed and easy going over there. But believe me in Morocco nothing EASY about it.

I too had to consider what I would do if he couldn't come to the US or how long it would be and could we withstand that.

There were times I didn't care to consider anything else but just being there with him, as if life would be so grande.

I had no qualms leaving the US but permanently? I didn't care about money...but having none, nothing and no one around me I could talk to or the freedom to go out alone. Work, I am his wife, that would have been my work.

But as hard as it was to dream about it being that easy, as relieved as I thought I would be just "being" with him I had to snap out of that quick and be sensible. I didn't have a job I could just up and leave and come back to. I didn't have family or children who would necessarily understand or justify my absence. I didn't have the funds to support he and I back in Morocco. If I didn't have stability here, how could we even have a chance here? What if I didn't like being there endlessly with no hope of coming back to see my kids or restarting my life?

I believe in love and I believe that love can make you do foolish things so my comment is just about playing the smart card. Think before you leap. Have patience...sometimes GOD has greater things in store.

The best way is to keep taking care of yourself. I wouldn't recommend you giving up everything, burning your bridges and making your life harder for the sake of love better take your time and do the responsible thing and what will in turn help and better your relationship in the future with your husband (fiancee).