Immigrant's Nightmare Continued

[rebeccajo 14]

*wiping tears as I read what Girona wrote*

[Fandango 1,439]

Michelle, I've thought a lot about this situation over the past evening, and I'm going to be a bit frank here. Let me preface this by saying that I don't know much about clinical depression...and if that's what's at work here, then I'm going to be out of line.

But it seems to me that Craig is being very indulgent in wallowing in this depression. Yes, it sucks that he misses things, misses all that's familiar...but at the end of the day...he's so busy missing all that's familiar that he's not opening himself up to the possibility of making his HOME here. Okay, so he feels out of place...but then he goes and isolates himself off from people. Well, nothing's going to change if that's the cycle that happens.

You have been a great & supportive wife...and I marvel at your tenacity...because if the shoe were on my foot, I'd have done all I can, but then just said 'right, sh!t or get off the pot'. Everyone here could learn a lesson from you. But who's focused on you? Craig's not, and you're not. Forgive me for being so familiar...but all I hear from you (primarily) is concern for Craig, concern for Daryl....who's primarily concerned with you? It must be eating you alive...well it would me. And I think it might be a good thing to take the kid gloves off & get down to business.

It's great to sit here and feel sorry for one's self, but at the end of the day, it's a counterproductive exercise. I think that's where Craig is going wrong. And you shouldn't be made to feel guilty for any of this (even if it's just in your own mind)...you have gone well above and beyond the call of duty (imo) and have stuck it out thru thick and thin. I understand you're doing all to save your marriage, but you need to also save your sanity. Perhaps it's time to start making a few demands of your own?

Daryl is well on his way to manhood...and how many times do you forsee a 16 year old lad taking the weekend away from his friends to go visit his family? Not much, imo. I also think Daryl is being a little overly clingy because of HIS new move...and he's clinging onto something that's familiar.

I'm sorry if I've overstepped the bounds here, but I really felt compelled to say this. Good luck & God bless

[MichelleandCraig 1]

That was a beautiful post Glenys, thank you. M.

PS..and I've just read yours Lisa..while I do thank you so much for 'sticking up for me' etc..I do think you are wrong. I don't think Craig is 'wallowing' these are just his feelings. I think that's a common misconception with some people here..yes, I'm frustrated, sometimes annoyed, hurt, whatever..but so is he and with more to deal with. I'm not making light of what you said..we have both been pretty fed up! lately...but I think you can't always! control how you feel...it'snot a matter of just shutting it on or off. Craig is also sensitive and cannot STAND the thought of hurting someone else, so what Daryl is feeling really hurts him. Thank you tho, for having some feeling for what I am feeling too. Michelle

Edited January 30, 2006 by MichelleandCraig

[Fandango 1,439]

Fair enough then, but thanks for not getting offended!

[Mand 1]

Girona.... It is such a hard situation and I am not very good at putting my thoughts into words,

I think you did a wonderful thing with this post and are most definately very good at putting your thoughts into words.

[lisa71 0]

What is Craig's relationship with his other stepson, your son, like? It seems to me that he is very focused on his stepson back home and isn't considering how his new stepson may feel if Craig left him!

[KiKi 0]

Good point Lisa.

I was thinking the same thing.

Sorry Michelle to hear that things have taken a downturn once again.

Follow your heart.

[MichelleandCraig 1]

Thank you everyone, again. It may not seem like it from my replys..but we ARE taking your words to heart. I am going to call you Daisy at some point..so if you want to PM me your number that would be great. With Corey in school today,we have been talking a lot(while I'm not sleeping..have an infection and feel icky...bleh!) and that is helping. A trip to the UK is in order asap..just for a couple of weeks right now as he has the go-ahead from work for that and has a job that's perfectly suited to him now and not far from here. In May he goes full time but right now, until then,he's training 2 days a week which makes it easier for them to let him get away as well. He really feels that once he goes back he will WANT to be here...but that going back..is a necessary part of feeling that way. I know it has worked both ways for others, and hope he's right in how he's going to feel. We're going to speak a few times while he's gone, but limit that contact a lot so he can just do his own thing and has a chance to miss us. I'm happy to report that his relationship with Corey is great...has been from the start. He always made a point to talk to Corey on Messenger while I took a break too and Corey would send him emails; he would always respond..things like that. When he would send a package he would always include something for Corey. He said, in the first initial very hard months, Corey helped him a lot of days(not knowing it!) just because they're always messing about together,etc...Craig would always take him up to the field in the summer to kick around a soccer ball for an hour or more at al time..they would make up little games they only knew the rules to to play in the basement,etc..he's GREAT with him..much better than his 'natural' father EVER was(and I'm not downing him...he just honestly never had much time for him even when he was small and lived with him) .so I'm sure not being without Corey does factor into it as well...they have been really close and that's really heartwarming to see. We have had a few blowups with him nearby, admittedly, but we try to talk more after he's gone to bed or like today when he's in school; I know arguing does affect kids a lot and we haven't been able to totally contain THAT in the past as we should...you're all right tho and we will renew our efforts not to fight in front of him at all. Overall, I think Corey does feel pretty secure though. I am starting to have faith that we'll make it now again...but still don't feel overly secure if you know what I mean...I think it's going to take a lot of work on BOTH of our parts and my part of that is going to have to be proactive(instead of just talking about it..I see what you meant Becca) on getting myself feeling better, trying to be more understanding, and Craig knows there's certain things he's going to have to change as well...he's not denying that. He spoke to Daryl on the phone today and asked him what he said to me yesterday(tho he knew very well) and said that it upset me a bit...so that was sweet of him. I know Daryl is upset too,and we'll just have to figure something out on that front. We do have to try to include him a bit more. Craig has said to me in the past that he didn't think it would work to have him here for more than a couple of weeks(and that's no reflection on how much he loves Daryl..more on what he knows of how things would be here during that time)but I will abide by his decision if he ever wants him to be here longer..a month, a summer..we will just deal with it when the time comes..if his Mum would even let him. We were planning to try to get him over here this coming October for a visit for his 16th bday and he talks about that, and Craig's visit back to the UK a lot. We'll see. As always the support, caring and kindness..the advice...all here is invaluable and I/we thank you from the bottom of our hearts. Michelle

Edited January 30, 2006 by MichelleandCraig

[Nearly Done 8]

Girona40 your post made me cry. A beautiful post and lots of sensible advice

Michelle,

I feel bad that you are down again, your a strong girl and I just know you will both get through this.

My only advice would be is that Craig NEEDS to go back for a visit as soon as possible, the man is in pain.

I do NOT believe as some have said, that he is wallowing in self pity!!!!

I left my two eldest at home and I know the pain Craig is feeling and his son Daryl. I do agree that talking on a daily basis on here will help both of them, the sadness will turn to them joking around and having fun. Set a time for when it will be possible for them to be together again, that will help them and they will look forward to it.

They seem to have had a very close relationship and while some may think they are overly sensitive (which I don't agree with) that is the way their relationship has been before he came here, and missing someone so bad is'nt being over sensitive to me.

If Craig does go back and decide he wants to stay then that is the way it will have to be,but the way it is now,he is suffering and you too cos you can't stand him hurting and rightly so.

As other's have said, Daryl is going to be at the stage where girls and going out are more important anyway and parents are an after thought.

I do believe you will both get through this and I think its urgent that Craig goes back or gets Daryl over here as soon as possible.

Believe me I have had my times when I feel the need to run back and make sure the kids are ok,but that's more to do with me than them. I know they are fine and they know I am. Yes I like Craig made the decision to come here and I really have settled,but I have been lucky in that I have seen my kids on a regular basis.

I think the trip will do him the world of good.

Best of luck Michelle and stay strong

[lisa71 0]

Just checking into this thread to see if Craig decided to go home to England for a visit and how all is going with you both. Hope that you're both doing OK?

Lisa

[VetsWife328 7]

Michelle,

please dont take any of what I'm about to say too personal,I do not mean to hurt your feelings or anything like that,I'm just telling you what I think about your and your husbands situation...

First of all,I think Craig next to go and get professional help.I'm not a doctor but to me it seems he is suffering from a major depression.

Now being homesick and missing freinds and family "back home" is something completly normal,but to me it seems he is just down right unhappy here in the USA.

I will have to go back to my "home country" next week Wednesday and have to leave the man I love for another 6 months or even more until I get the K1 to come back here and finally get married.

It is tearing me apart to know we're almost out of time.

I feel incomplete without my Jim and I know going back to Germany will hurt like hell and it will be very difficult for my friends and family to deal with me over there for the next months.

Pretty much all of the things Craig has said in his post back in July are things I feel too,but I feel that way about my "home country".

I love Jim more than words can say and all I want is to be here with him forever.

Thank God I also have a huge love for America in my heart because for some reason I just never fit in over there in Germany.............

It makes me sad to read Craigs post because I do know how he feels just that I feel that way about having to live away from my Baby in Germany.

Craig needs help and he needs it fast in my opinion.

Did you ever consider moving to England with him?????

I can't predict the future and I wont try but I would say that if he keeps feeling that way you guys will need a divorce attorney one of these days.

The way he feels about being here in the USA is already effecting everything including your marriage and I agree with you that most likely talking to his (step)son on the Internet ,in his specal case,will only make matters worse.

Try to get him to seek help for his depression,and think about moving to England.

Best of luck to you

Natasha

[Peggy 1]

Hope things are going good Michelle.

Havent seen you around for awhile...........Hopefully thats a good thing.

[RaspberrySwirl 20]

Hope things are going good Michelle.

Havent seen you around for awhile...........Hopefully thats a good thing.

Yeah, Michelle, miss you girly! Hope you're doing well.

[MichelleandCraig 1]

Hi everyone. Things aren't bad here, but they'e not good either. Not going to write too much for a while...we are planning a trip for Craig..probably around the end of March..will be buying the ticket soon...not sure yet but maybe 28th of March thru the 13th of April or so....we'll see how he feels about being here after that trip. He thinks it's going to bring to light more what he has here...and I'm hoping for that as well..but really not sure how it will go. Have been really disappointed lately, and I know Craig feels the same...but I still love him more than ever and he says he loves me as well...he just can't fathom living here his entire life. My back has been very! painful and I'm in physical therapy for now and then the pain clinic wants to do a discogram which the doctor told me is a more invasive and painful procedure, so I hope it doesn't come to that, but it probably will. Emotionally, I'm a wreck right now, but I know so is Craig. I just haven't had it in me lately to spend too much time here lately...most are so happy!!! (which is SO good..I mean, I'm glad for everyone..but just..if you know what I mean!!) and the ones that are having loads of problems and some separating don't exactly make me feel happy when I read them either. I want noting more than to spend the rest of my life with Craig, and we'll see how he feels when he gets home again after his visit home! Thanks to those who have been thinking of us...it's appreciated and nice to know. Michelle

Edited February 19, 2006 by MichelleandCraig

[rebeccajo 14]

I hope the both of you find some resolution to this soon. It's been going on a very long time.

In the meanwhile, Michelle, you know you have the support of many here.

And remember this....you read the 'rosy' and 'happy' posts.....don't for one minute think that EVERYTHING is those couples worlds is perfect and sublime. Everybody in this process has adjustments to make and conflicts to resolve. Different people just handle things differently. And if there is an 'issue', some people post it here, but most don't.

There's not all this 'perfection' out there. You and Craig have just had more challenges than many, and you've been more 'out there' with it. You've taken a lot of suggestions and criticisms, and you've managed to either digest the good or reject the bad.

Class act, I think.