Immigrant's Nightmare Continued

[kc456 0]

That's a tough situation to be in... At least, AOS has been approved and hopefully pressure will be off you guys at least as far as the immigration process is concerned. Looks like it would be difficult to find a solution -- neither of you seem happy...

[Jaylen Brit 0]

Iv read the last few posts, Lisa, gimmy, dave, gotzfaith - really I can't agree more and what inspiring words!

I do agree that Daryl sounds kinda clingy for a 15 yr old, but some 15 yr olds are very young, and it may just be his way - unless he's doing the manipulation thing with his step-dad, or sees you as 'the enemy' who 'took his dad away' (kids know the weak points). I totally agree that if not this year then soon he was grow up a lot and switch his focus.

Thing is, Craig has to remember WHY it was he left. I dont imagine for one moment that leaving his step-son was an easy decision - but HE made it. If he wants to go back to England then fine - maybe he needs breathing space - maybe he just needs to give BOTH of you a break - but if he throws in the towel for his step-son, if he gives that as the reason for him going back, then he must realise that he has given him a LOT of power over him.

What if you 2 break up? Will he live his life in the future according soley to what his step-son wants?? And what happens when the child has his OWN life and not so much time for dad? You can bet HE won't be giving up nights out to go see him - he'll have his own life and want to get on with living it.

My daughter didn't want me to divorce her dad - but she didn't go crazy over it either - she knows we both love her and she will be able to talk to her dad whenever she eants - webcams, holidays etc. I'm sure she will miss him a lot. She loves him. That's normal and natural and expected. But she's also an independent growing up person too. I feel as long as she feels comfortable and secure in his love for her, and hers in him, then the distance won't impact that much after she is used to it.

Its my job as her mom to GET her used to it and know it isn't the end of their relationship.

I wish you luck with all this Mich - you;ve been brave sharing it all - and reminding us of the downsides which are part of normal life.

Craig really needs to sort his head out and decide what he WANTS. I also think he sounds depressed and shoul look at getting some help, medical help, to get him over this sepeartion anxiety - which he seems to have focussed on, to avoid his other issues.

If that means him leaving for a while then so be it - leaving doesn't mean its all over - but right now it seems you guys are just running in circles.

Hugs

[daisy16 0]

Well I just spent the latter part of the evening reading most of that old thread. I have to say, some of it even hurt to read...I hope all of you who expressed difficulty are doing ok throughout all the ordeals. My heart goes out to each and every one of you & I sincerely hope things work out for the best.

It is a bit terrifying to think that this may be me in another year...in fact, I spoke to D about this place & this thread tonight. He shrugged it off & said 'don't be silly'. But I'm a worrier...and this is something I really had never considered that I needed worrying about. For so long, we've been so focused on the whole 'I love you, I miss you I can't wait to be with you' that I've never thought about what happens after the 'happily ever after'

Michelle, I know exactly where Craig is, even though I"m 6 months behind in the timeline. I'm sure it's been fairly obvious from my posts that for the last 3+ months I've been just downright angry about being here. Sad and resentful too. It's not that I hate it here, it's that it's not as good as I had it at home. I'm also very worried that because of my feelings I will destroy my marriage - the reason I gave everything up in the first place. I now believe that I made the wrong decision to move here; that instead he should have moved to Canada to live with me. (Yes, I know, shoulda woulda coulda, I didn't, and I"m wallowing right now, K! ) As LisaD said, all along the focus was on being together, I never thought about the practicalities of how I'd feel about giving up my great life.

We spent yesterday talking about how things are going for me and I spent a great deal of time crying. One of my biggest issues is the sense of loss of the relationship with my son. HE"S 22! I feel like I've abandoned him, even though I know damn well that he's a full grown man, I'm not there. My point being is that this feeling doesn't depend on the age of the child. When we left at Christmas I thought the sadness would kill me - that ache of leaving was enough to knock me over. Every time I talk to him I feel like crying. I'm the opposite of Craig, I hate to call because it get's me sad for days. And I agree 100% with gimygirl, Daryl is Craig's son. As I tried to explain to my husband, if there are 20 factors in one's life (made up number) a good proportion of them have to be in the "good" position for life to be okay. For me, and I suspect for Craig he's got less on, I only have a few on good, like spouse. Bad would be son, home, job, friends, family, etc, I'm sure you get the idea.

Many many USC have posted that they would never leave their established career and home. ####### do they think we've done They ask if of their SO but could never do it themselves.

Michelle, this is what I think you should do. ---> unsolicited advice, which I don't often give --->

1. have a down and dirty talk about what you both really want

2. If you can't do that, get Craig back to England, ASP - you both need some space to decide what you really want.

3. If you make some progress with 1, get Daryl here ASAP to help that issue

4. If 1 doesn't work, give Daryl a clear idea that you DO understand how he feels. Tell him how you cried at the airport, for example.

5. Seriously consider moving to the UK. Your son is young enough to handle it. Teenagers can't.

BTW - teenagers are drama queens. They ####### their fingers on a pin and their dying of blood poisoning. Everything is a tragedy and has to be taken care of immediately by everyone in the vicinity.

Michelle, I know counsellors are expensive having been to a few. Get someone on VJ that you can pour your guts out to. You at least need to do that. I'm offering and I'm sure others will too. I was a guidance counsellor for 4 years and the kids did come back, if that's any help B) PM me and I'll give you my #. And yes, I can separate my own feelings. I can talk to Craig too if ya want.

Lotsa hugs

[ChristinaM 0]

Daisy, that's a lovely offer and I really think it would do you good to take it up Michelle. At least give it a try - if it's not working you haven't lost anything.

Edited January 30, 2006 by clmarsh

[Fischkoepfin 1]

Michelle,

sorry to hear you're going through another tough time. I can imagine how hard it is for you that Craig is caught between is life in England and his life with you. Like others, I'm sure Daryl will soon be busy thinking about girls and his future, but that of course will not make the separation easier for Craig. You two hang in there and I wish you the best of luck to get through this difficult stretch.

I do also agree that both of you should look into counseling, probably separatly and as a couple. I don't know if your school offers free counseling to its students, but if it doesn't, get in touch with your local NMHA-affiliate. They should have a list of counselors that base their fee on sliding income scales. You can find their contact info here: http://nmha.org/affiliates/directory/index...rch_state_id=56

(Lists affiliates in Wisconsin. If there aren't any in your area, call the closest one they at least will be able to help you find a provider near you).

[gimygirl 0]

I don't know what to do anymore, and neither does Craig.

...

there IS no solution in sight..at least that I can see.

mich ...

you at least owe it to yourselves to try some of the advice that you've been given. as i've said ... you need to be proactive if anything is going to be accomplished.

the solutions have been given to you. if craig cannot or will not get help, then he needs to go back to england. this is not mentally fair on you or your child ... it's abuse. craig KNOWS he has a problem; you do not need to be his emotional punching bag. if he is willing to get help, that's wonderful and you should jump on and make an appt quickly.

focus on the issue at hand and do not stray ... his issue is that he does not want to be here. everything else can be worked on in time. these mental games in your marriage need to end. if he's not capable of doing that, then you need to stop responding to it and feeding his fire (so to speak).

[MichelleandCraig 1]

I think I will look into the counceling thing this week guys and thanks. I also got a rather long and enlightening PM this morning and it had some really good points. I have said Daryl can come over whenever..have offered that, but we don't know that his mom would let him or not..he's just starting school again after having moved 200 miles from where they lived a couple/few months ago, so I'm sure that's probably not helping. I have cried myself thinking about Daryl and Craig, so please don't think I'm heartless on that issue. I also understand I haven't even begun! to feel it,as far as how Craig feels that. I've tried to put myself in his shoes(feelings wise) on that, but you just can't unless it's happened to you I guess...so I know it must be horrible. As I've stated here over and over, I just don't know! what to do about that. I just feel like we've gone through this whole big process and I thought the decison was made back then. I guess, quite honestly, I do feel some resentment as to why more thought wasn't put into it beforehand as to whether it could be 'done' or not.(emotionally I mean). I did tell Craig at the time(as I told Becca, not knowing the ins and outs and that it probably wasnt' too risky for someone from England at the time)that if he didn't get the visa, we would move. I believe there would have been a lot more going on to do that..but I was going to do that if he couldn't come here. My parents have had a lot of tradegy in their lives the last few years, and Corey has been about like an 8th child to them, not just a grandchild. We live 4 miles from them, I have been in this house for 10 years and they have always had him, since he was a baby while I worked..sometimes more 12/13 hour days when he was younger, and they have continued to have him while I worked, in the summers,etc..since he was born. It would totally break my heart for me to take him, as muchas they would miss me at least. Plus, maybe partially due to me NOT being married before and their close proximity I have always been very very close with them. I moved up here 10 years ago to get away from an abusive spouse and make a new start, so much of my family lives either 150 or 300 miles away; I am here. I chose this location because they retired here, and not that I had to be tied to their apron strings but I wanted somewhere far enough away,but where I knew someone. The small town my parents moved to was a logical decision at that time. Anyway...what does all this have to do with it I know? It doesnt change feelings! I know that..but Craig didn't have an established home when he lived here..he had had two long terma relationships in the past and lived with his girlfriends and when that fizzled, and then we got together, he moved in with his parents again; it was the best decision. I have a home, am in the middle of an accounting degree that I'm getting paid for due to my company moving oversees,etc. It's like I told Becca and some others...yes, I DO understand all that Craig gave up...as best as I can..but I also believe he moved here when we were just longing to be together and our relationship was pretty secure!! I don't feel that now, so just to take a leap and all the people that it would affect and not just me? I have to be more certain before I would consider that now. I'm sorry if that sounds selfish, but that's just the way I feel..and Daisy, if you want to PM me your number, I will take you up on that sometime this week. Maybe today, maybe tomorrow...but I will. and I appreciate the offer. I'm really sorry for what you're going through as well. I have given a lot for this relationship too, believe it or not, and I just don't feeling willing to give up everything! with it in this state. If that makes me selfish, so be it but I don't see it that way. In the future, we'll see. Becca, I know what you're saying and emotionally for you and for him...no it's no different for a 17 year old...you're right. So you are amazing to be willing to do that; however, I think your relationship is in a differernt place right now. Thanks for listening everyone. Michelle

Thank you for the support Gimy, but I don't think he's being abusive in ANY way. .. I honstly don't want him to get portrayed in that light at ALL...I'm frustrated beyond belief but so is he..I love my husband, I'm just upset by all of this and I'm sure he IS trying....this is hard on both of us, and I'm sure more so for Craig without his support around..his old support if you know what I mean..but you're right in one thing..it can't stay this way. I will be looking into options for us, and he will be returning home for a visit to the UK as soon as possible. It was always in the plan to go soon, we're just waiting on the money in a couple/three weeks and clearance from his job. If he decides while he's 'home' he can't do this, we'll move from there. But I think that's the first step for us right now, and I may go talk to someone myself if Craig doesn't want to come. I will also take Daisy up on that offer in the near future. Thanks again. M.

Edited January 30, 2006 by MichelleandCraig

[diadromous mermaid 36]

Sometimes, as much as we try to see things through others' eyes we can't. I realise this is a difficult situation, and no one here can offer much but suggestions and support. Healing any breach requires skill beyond our scope.

By the way, I was wondering if you realised that in the Glitter note you represented the family as Craig, Michelle and Corey. If Darryl's bond with Craig is that of a son, why was he not included?

[MichelleandCraig 1]

DM..I don't know. sigh. It wasn't an intentional slight. I guess I don't even know why Corey was put on there, because his name isn't Connell. I can change it to just Craig & I I guess. I just thought Corey would get a kick out of it; he sees me on here; Daryl doesn't. He lives with his mom, her fiance and a little sister in England. I guess I just thought this was our little family. It doesn't mean I don't care; I have just had little contact with him and that wasn't my doing...we saw him once during my two week visit to England and I don't speak to him on the phone now...Craig goes in the other room and rings him..so I never felt I was that involved for different reasons like that. M.

Edited January 30, 2006 by MichelleandCraig

[TracyTN 237]

Oh Mich. I'm so terribly sorry to read all of this. I think you're getting really good advice from the folks here, and there probably isn't much I can add to what has already been said.

But if I can help in anyway, you know I will. You can PM me anytime, even if its just to listen.

[britbird 4]

You must have some councellor options at the school you go to, even if it's just a vocational college...they can at least refer you.

You may also be able to find (though you have to look carefully) church based councellors...at the university I work at we have a number of extremely helpful and understanding people of faith to talk to - a rabbi and a jesuit priest in particular. They just listen and provide support. I don't have a particular religious belief and they are totally cool with that, like I said though you have to research these things because some church based councellors can be very preachy indeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed.

Internet forums such as this one are somewhat helpful, but in no way take the place of face to face contact with a qualified advisor/councellor/psychiatrist. Friends are great, but they tend to tell you want you want to hear not what you need to know in order to resolve the situation you are stuck in.

[MichelleandCraig 1]

Thanks everyone and ((hugs)) Becca, I feel so much better, and you're right about a lot of things. M.

Edited January 30, 2006 by MichelleandCraig

[Fandango 1,439]

You know what's getting glossed over? The boy moved 200 miles away! Even if Craig went back home, Daryl isn't there!

It's not too practical to be 200 miles away.....they certainly wouldn't be seeing each other every day. So what options does Craig have anyways? He misses his home where he grew up, he misses Daryl...well, if he goes back to England, he can't have both...either he stays in his home town, or he moves where Daryl is.

There is no perfect answer...but 200 or 4000 miles away...it doesn't matter really....it's still 'away'

[MichelleandCraig 1]

I agree Lisa and we've both thought of/mentioned that several times. Simple fact is, he would see him a LOT more in England..say, once every couple of weeks to a month(her folks still live in the town Craig's Mum & Dad do and they visit) instead of once a year..know what I mean? But you're right..it would be more difficult. More opportunities would present itself there..we have thought about the move that same way tho..M.

[Girona40 0]

I have read this thread, from the beginning, but have not responded to it until now - for two reasons, really.

1. I don't want to appear as if I am taking sides and 2. I don't want you to think I am making light of the issues. So, please don't take anything I say the wrong way - I just want to share a few of my feelings with you and Craig.

Firstly, Craig, I know EXACTLY how it feels to be in your situation. I have a boy, Steven, who is 17 now but was 13 when I moved to the US. It broke my heart to leave him, but that very difficult decision was one that I had to make if I was to have any life of my own. I had been a single parent for 4 years and it was hard, very hard, not to have the emotional support of a husband, nor the financial freedom to do half the things I would have liked to with the children. Steven is a TWIN - his sister is here with me in the US. You can't imagine how heart-wrenching it was to take only one to the other side of the world. But, my husband Curt, and I sat the children down and explained that we loved each other and wanted to be together and that we would be a family one way or the other. We gave them the choice of whether to come to the US to live or remain in the UK. We told them that if either of them didn't want me to leave to live in the US, I wouldn't. Steven had made his decision, about 12 months prior to us even starting the visa applications, to remain in the UK with his father and he said he wouldn't have any objection to us moving to the US. He was happy with his Dad.

Sarah, his twin sister, is very strong, very mature - as most British children are, compared to their US counterparts. I'm sorry if this offends anyone, but it is true. I have lived and worked with American's for about 8 years now and just find that British kids are more mature. Sarah, being only 17, often remarks at how "childish" some of her friends at University are, and their age is usually around 20. When we left England I have never seen her cry so much, ever. She was upset at leaving her friends, the only life she had ever known and the sandy beaches and rugged cliffs of the place she called home, where she felt safe, loved and very much a part of the community. She was putting her trust in me to bring her to a man she hardly knew, to a country she had only visited once before, to a life she knew nothing about. The differences are collosal - I don't care what anyone else says, the priorities of Americans and British people are not the same. The culture is not the same. Sarah tried so hard at school, to make friends, to do well in her studies, to do what she could to fit in. She would come home and cry her heart out. I would hold her and tell her it would get better and it would all be done with by the time Curt got home from work. He didn't see how distressed she was and how upset it was making me.

Michael, her older brother, who was 20 decided that he wanted to join us in the US. He was struggling on his own and missed his family, although he had originally thought he could cope on his own, he really missed the closeness, the safety net, of having family close by. He joined us nine months after we arrived and it certainly made life easier for Sarah, having one of her brothers with her. The problems we have had with his immigration has been beyond belief - as most of you already know, so I won't dwell on that. But Michael has had days when he has asked for a plane ticket home - but he is fine now and, typically, now that he is settled they don't want to let him stay!

Steven has been to visit three times now. He came for Christmas last year and spent a few weeks here the first Summer we arrived and then spent 3 months here last Summer. He loved to come and would brag to all his friends when he went home about what he did during the holidays, when they were all bored to tears, just hanging around doing nothing much because they have little money to do stuff. He would tell them how he visited his Mum and brother and sister in The States and how all the skateboarding stuff was so cheap!! He got a new skateboard every trip and would always come with an empty suitcase and return with a full one. But he was always happy to go home, because he loved to come visit but loved to go home to tell his friends all about it! I would cry for several hours after he left to go home, but I guess I had the other two to help get over that and they would say "you'll see him again, soon", even though I didn't think it was soon enough.

I have been blessed with the most understanding husband ever! He knows and appreciates that I gave up so much to be here with him - in hindsight we both now realise it would have been easier for him to come to the UK. You have to bear in mind that we have been through more than most here, when it comes to the immigration process, it has been hell. The only reason I did give up so much to come here was because Curt had not long lost his father and his mother and sister are here and he is a typical "mountain man", loves hunting, the great outdoors. It's not quite the same in England! But he has been a rock - for all of us. When we have been upset, homesick, angry, dispairing at the unfairness of the immigration system - how those that do not follow the "rules" are treated better than those that do - the way we have sometimes felt the US Government have misled us and how we have assets that would buy us an apartment in the UK now, rather than the beautiful cottage by the sea we used to live in. He has listened, tried to understand (but in all fairness, how could he.....really?) and more than anything he has always been there, wanting what is best for us not what is best for him, and it is thanks to his behaviour, constantly reminding me why I fell in love with him in the first place, because he is so steadfast, that we have all got through this and are still here. He knows what we gave up, he knows how close a family we are and how hard things have been to us, how alien the culture is to us here and how I have not gone home in over 4 years, for fear of not wanting to return.

It is hard, Michelle, to always be that rock for someone. You have mentioned through this thread, I lost count how many times, that you love Craig. But what is love? My sister, who died a several years ago in my arms, told me that "Love is wanting for someone all you would want for yourself" and it took a while for me to realise exactly what she meant. You say you are not prepared to give up what you have here, your family, your home or lifestyle, due to the uncertainty of your relationship. Craig gave up all that, and more, and I am sure he was as uncertain what the outcome would be. He is finding the pain of leaving everything familiar to him behind to start a new life, because he loves you. Can you imagine loving someone so much that you leave your son behind just so you can be with that person? It is hard to be that person's rock, I know. But you are all that Craig has here, that is familiar to him. He yearns for the familiar things, that bring comfort when you are feeling sad, but they aren't within reach. It is such a hard situation and I am not very good at putting my thoughts into words, so excuse me for that.

I feel that it is not just Craig that needs to go home for a visit. I think that you all need to go, together. I know that Corey is only young, but he will grow up so fast. He and Daryl have the same age gap as my two sons and, if they are given the chance to get to know one another, will strike up a rapport of their own. Who knows, in years to come they may both cross the Atlantic to see each other, not just to visit you guys. Go and visit Craig's old haunts, the ones I am sure he has talked about to you often. Re-live and enjoy the places you were happy together when you weren't married.

I am sure you will work this out - you are both "good people" and if you love each other as much as it really seems you do, things will be fine. But...........it takes time..........it takes understanding..........and sometimes it does take standing back and saying "that's enough - it's my turn for a little understanding here!!"

Craig, it will get easier and children, no matter how much they love you and miss you and want you with them, soon develop into adults. That doesn't mean they become any less close to you, but it is different. Steven doesn't call me as often now, he is in a "strop" with me at the moment because I wouldn't sign the papers for him to join the British Army when he was 16, but that's another story! He will visit when he wants to now, not when I would like him to. He phones when he isn't too busy or isn't at his girlfriend's house. He never e-mails because he just hates to - I'll write my life story (much as here.........sorry!) and I'll get a one line mail back! He's a boy and they change so much during their teenage years you would hardly recognise them, looking back. Go visit him - ASK his mother if he can come to visit during the Summer holidays - he'd love it and I am sure she could probably do with some time alone with her new fiance too. You won't know if you don't ask.

I truly wish you both the best and don't give up now, you have come so far and this is the worst it is likely to ever be, believe me, I have been there. Liken it to a mountain - you are at the peak now and once you get over the other side the view is truly spectacular!

Remember the definition of love as my sister saw it - and think of it every time you look at each other and then ask yourself "Would I really want that for myself?"

Sorry this was so long, and probably all over the place........!!

Good luck - I will be thinking of you both and hoping for the very best, for both of you!

Edited January 30, 2006 by Girona40