Immigrant's Nightmare Continued

[Lou Lou 1]

For me a visit home just compounded the problem and highlighted everything I hated about my situation in the US which made me reluctant to return. But I do agree about the space. We actually seperated for two weeks - he went to visit family and left me alone in the US. It worked a treat. Going back to the UK for space just reminded me about all the good things I had left behind.

If Craig is not feeling sorry for himself but eaten up with guilt and torn for this long PLEASE do something about it, Craig! My husband was like this for 32 years and it was like a life sentence for him. Life is just too short...

[MichelleandCraig 1]

Thanks to everyone who responded. I do believe the majority of you are wrong in this(and not trying to be rude..I value your opinions) I think you hit it on the head Gimy..not because you agree with me but because I am in the situation and I know what it's been like. For both Craig AND myself. Right now we are in the middle of a huge row, have fought often enough, and I don't see it getting any better. Do you want to know why? Basically because the fact that Craig will be speaking to Daryl every day and that's going to bring him down and "(there's nothing he can do about that") isn't just the only issue, but the most recent issue. Alan should have a field day with this: he just does NOT want to be here. It's glaringly obvious. He doesn't just miss home, he misses everything! about home..not only will he refuse to see things that other people have posted in Immigrant's Nightmare thus far...like..Americans love a British accent(true)he chooses to see it as 'always being the foreigner, and sticking out' . Nothing can ever be optimistic. I'm just as worn down by it as he is. I love him very much but I myself cannot continue to live this way. Personally< I see him going back to England for a two week visit and not wanting to come back. If he does want to come back, I can see it being the same way that it was after a couple of days. I'm sorry ya'all I'm just losing mylast spec of hope very VERY rapidly. M.

[diadromous mermaid 36]

I think in this case Michelle and Craig need to look at all of the dynamics. One which is incontrovertible is that Darryl is approaching an age when he will become independent (if it is not already occurring, behind the scenes). To make any decisions based upon something which will without a doubt change in the not too distant future, would be foolhardy. It's not uncommon for parents to want to "bonsai" their children, keeping them forever young in their minds and hearts. But we are speaking of a youth here, who, if he's like any other kid of his age, will soon be wanting less parental attention than more. It's easy to sit from afar and judge, I know, but I sense that this may be a case of not wanting to adjust, because in doing so Craig has to face the real fact that Darryl will not need him as much in the near future, as he had in the past. Michelle has a child of her own. Craig naturally picks up on the doting that is given to Corey. I'm not sure what the answer is, other than to say that I sense that nature will take care of Darryl's sense of attachment, and that may or may not reveal other issues which can be better addressed at that time.

[j&js 0]

I have only followed this thread since you brought it to the new forum, so this might have already been addressed, but have you ever considered moving back home with him?

I understand that there may be many reasons why this would never work in your situation, but I was just curious if it had been considered...

Good luck with everything, I hope you and your family can find a way to be happy.

[MichelleandCraig 1]

THanks DS but there are other problems with missing home,etc as well and not just the Daryl issue. J & JS..when Craig moved here we were reallyyy missing and so in love with each other. He has said he loves me every day since being here but I don't FEEL it most days. I wouldn't be willing to give up everything AND move Corey into a situation where I don't know if things are stable or not...to me, when Craig moved here, it was very difficult on his end, but I felt WE were ok..I don't feel that at this point, so I wouldn't be willing to consider that until I did feel we were ok. Know what I mean? M.

[diadromous mermaid 36]

Thanks to everyone who responded. I do believe the majority of you are wrong in this(and not trying to be rude..I value your opinions) I think you hit it on the head Gimy..not because you agree with me but because I am in the situation and I know what it's been like. For both Craig AND myself. Right now we are in the middle of a huge row, have fought often enough, and I don't see it getting any better. Do you want to know why? Basically because the fact that Craig will be speaking to Daryl every day and that's going to bring him down and "(there's nothing he can do about that") isn't just the only issue, but the most recent issue. Alan should have a field day with this: he just does NOT want to be here. It's glaringly obvious. He doesn't just miss home, he misses everything! about home..not only will he refuse to see things that other people have posted in Immigrant's Nightmare thus far...like..Americans love a British accent(true)he chooses to see it as 'always being the foreigner, and sticking out' . Nothing can ever be optimistic. I'm just as worn down by it as he is. I love him very much but I myself cannot continue to live this way. Personally< I see him going back to England for a two week visit and not wanting to come back. If he does want to come back, I can see it being the same way that it was after a couple of days. I'm sorry ya'all I'm just losing mylast spec of hope very VERY rapidly. M.

And if this is really the proper assessment of the situation, Michelle, then you have the unfortunate position of being that ray of sunshine that draws Craig back from a visit or keeps him wanting to be here. As hard as it might be and as unfair as it might appear, that's what you would need to project. Rows over someone missing something only exacerbates the frustration for both. Get engaged in the contact with Darryl. Suggest things Craig can do to send him, IM Darryl yourself, etc. Right now as irrational as it appears you and Darryl are polarised.

[gotzfayth 0]

THanks DS but there are other problems with missing home,etc as well and not just the Daryl issue. J & JS..when Craig moved here we were reallyyy missing and so in love with each other. He has said he loves me every day since being here but I don't FEEL it most days. I wouldn't be willing to give up everything AND move Corey into a situation where I don't know if things are stable or not...to me, when Craig moved here, it was very difficult on his end, but I felt WE were ok..I don't feel that at this point, so I wouldn't be willing to consider that until I did feel we were ok. Know what I mean? M.

Michelle,

I understand where you are coming from. It is tough in the best of circumstances. I have already mentioned that my hubby, is back in the UK, he did not adjust well to things here in the US and has mentioned possibly divorcing because of the culture shock / differences. He wants me to pack up and move to the UK, giving up an established career and home. I am like you I would think long and hard b4 giving up everything without some solid proof that things would be OK.

You are a wonderful source of support. Take care and know that you are in my prayers.

Hugs to you!

Ronda

[diadromous mermaid 36]

THanks DS but there are other problems with missing home,etc as well and not just the Daryl issue. J & JS..when Craig moved here we were reallyyy missing and so in love with each other. He has said he loves me every day since being here but I don't FEEL it most days. I wouldn't be willing to give up everything AND move Corey into a situation where I don't know if things are stable or not...to me, when Craig moved here, it was very difficult on his end, but I felt WE were ok..I don't feel that at this point, so I wouldn't be willing to consider that until I did feel we were ok. Know what I mean? M.

Have you thought about some counseling for yourself, alone?

[MichelleandCraig 1]

I added Daryl to my Im list today..I tried to engage him in other topics. All he would basically say to ME even(dont know what he said to Craig upstairs on his laptop) is I want my dad and then crying faces and then that's what I'm doing right now. What do you say to that? Not much I'm afraid. I understand his feelings, I understand Craig's (even when I don't deal with them well) but I feel totally left out of this entire relationship for most of the last year. I have feelings too,even if they aren't centered around missing home. Basically, I miss Craig and how things were. I was made to feel SO special by him when he was in England and have felt none of that here. Yes, a good portion of our arguements, etc were my fault as well..I'm not saying that. But ther eis also something in the fact that when you're getting very little from someone, you get tired of trying too. I don't feel special, don't feel cared about 1/2 the time, and I'm just as tired of this as Craig is. I DO love him very much, but if this is what our life is going to be like something is going to have to give. For all the mistakes I've made, (in emotional states) I have also stood on myhead to try to make Craig feel better being over here and I don't think there's a lot I can do for the things that are really bothering him here. And the things I didn't do or when I reacted wrong get broughtup time and time and time again in arguements as opposed to the things I did do/buy/whatever to try to make him feel better. I'm at a loss now. I don't want to lose my husband, nor do I want to live in misery. I just don't know. I have feelings and needs TOO and NONE of mine are being met after more than a year..sometimes I don't think it's right to just be the bigger person. There has to be give and take and there's not right now. Craig says he has never fought so much in his life....well, nor have I. It's always his final thought at the end of each arguement..maybe we're just not as well suited as we thought. Nice way to end it. Makes me feel pretty secure. (ok..I know some of you already will say...well maybe you have to consider that) well maybe...but would you say the same if you were in love with someone so easily? I don't know. I'm confused, upset and disappointed as much as Craig is..and I never went anywhere.

Edited January 29, 2006 by MichelleandCraig

[diadromous mermaid 36]

A situation can be draining. All you can do is make yourself whole. If, after you have accomplished that, Craig cannot meet you half way, then the real crux of the problem has been identified and you can make educated decision based upon that information. Best of luck to you. You get an A for effort, now go and give yourself something as a reward.

[MichelleandCraig 1]

THanks DS but there are other problems with missing home,etc as well and not just the Daryl issue. J & JS..when Craig moved here we were reallyyy missing and so in love with each other. He has said he loves me every day since being here but I don't FEEL it most days. I wouldn't be willing to give up everything AND move Corey into a situation where I don't know if things are stable or not...to me, when Craig moved here, it was very difficult on his end, but I felt WE were ok..I don't feel that at this point, so I wouldn't be willing to consider that until I did feel we were ok. Know what I mean? M.

Have you thought about some counseling for yourself, alone?

I'm considering that now..thankyou. I'm already on anti anxiety meds in the last couple of months..just got something else to try this past week.

[diadromous mermaid 36]

Not medication (unless that is required too) but talking to someone who can reinforce all that makes Michelle feel great about herself.

[britbird 4]

anti anxiety meds tend to work only when they are matched with councelling. You have to learn coping strategies as well as correcting the chemicals.

Now, in the case of sleeplessness this can be a little different, but in your case of taking the meds with an unchanging situation, those meds are just masking the problem.

It seems to me that you both need to learn to deal with each other and the situation you are in in a more productive manner. Now, if this means expending money on a councellor to help you do that, I'd say it's money well spent.

A good psychiatrist/psychologist can be an absolute godsend. They really can. They can mediate the problem and offer advice in a non confrontational non sided manner. You have to both want to make it work though.

Most importantly it's vital that you are emotionally well for your son. It's no good for him to be witnessing arguments and an unsettled household.

Pills are fine, but they really only work in these cases if you address the underlying cause of what is causing your body to need them.

I hope you get this worked out, you seem like a really sweet lady who has an awful lot on her plate. You are wonderfully humored and I'm sure your community loves you. I hope you get the support you need and that you and your husband figure out a way for you both to enjoy where you are and where you are going in life.

[Daisy 0]

Michelle, I wish I had something constructive to add. I am sorry. I do think time for you is long overdue and addressing how you/hubby are feeling with the help of a professional is an excellent way forward. You are so supportive. Im sending you a huge {{{{{{HUG}}}}}} from across the pond.

with very best wishes,

daisy

[rebeccajo 14]

Monique...that is the most well written thing. You are dead on in my book.

*hugs*