Immigrant's Nightmare Continued

[MichelleandCraig 1]

Old Immigrant's Nightmare thread started mid 2005

Thought I would resurrect this one too. One of Craig's biggest questions/concerns(within himself) when he moved here was: I did all this so I could be HAPPY and I'm feeling all of these other things? Is that NORMAL?? Turns out it WAS normal and many people were feeling things other than elation at finally reaching their goal of getting to America to be with their loved ones. Sure, some weren't having any problems, and Craig was having it more difficult than others, but I think this thread helped others to see the varying issues that the immigrant(and the USC due to that fact) can go through. I like to update this on occassion(or vent! ) so thought I would bring it back. Hope no one minds. Michelle

[Welshcookie 17]

Oh......we HAVE to have this thread...... I was going to bring it across but thought it best to leave it you to choose....

Edited January 29, 2006 by welshcookie

[daisy16 0]

I'm so glad that you did bring it over Michelle. I agree, so will relate to it, some won't, but it gives a lot of insight into the emotional turmoil that can happen as a result of this whole crazy process.

[Jaylen Brit 0]

Yes this is a good one for people to post not JUST their problems but also their SOLUTIONS for coping with so much change.

I think a lot of us go into this process thinking that after arrival (or after AOS) the story ends with 'and they lived happily ever after..'

Most of us don't / didn't realise how much of the little things would grate on nerves, how the fact that we are all basically 'starting again from scratch' would / will impact a person's self-esteem and feelings of self-worth.

I think we underestimate these things at our peril.

Maybe it won't happen the same for us, maybe some of us iwll slip into the life as easily as a hot knife into butter, but forewarned is forearmed as they say and thats a good thing in my book

[MichelleandCraig 1]

Thanks guys...I thought so too. I'm sure there are those who might have thought let it die,etc. but I still like to write on here so ah well. I have a new dilemma today. Daryl, Craig's 'stepson' if you will from England...of COURSE Craig has to phone him and talk to him whatever way he can..no dispute THERE at all..and I DO feel so sorry for both of them...Daryl for Craig being here and vice versa. Here's the problem I don't know how to deal with...whenever Craig comes off the phone from speaking to Daryl it always makes him really sad(understandably) sometimes it's just sad for a while and sometimes it affects his whole day(in other words probably makes him think about other things as well,etc and makes him miss Daryl a lot more..which I DO understand...) but now Daryl just finally got the Internet hooked up..which I thought..great! theycan talk more..but this is the first convo Craig is on now talking to him and he said a couple times now "this is making me really sad" Ok..I GET that..that it would..if you know what I mean..but now I'm thinking...he'll be able to talk to him every day or whatever...thought that would be nice, but the more I think about it.he's going to be down more and more of the time it seems. I don't know how to deal with it all because he's justified in how he feels...but I want him to be happy(at least MOST of the time, ya know??) *sigh* I dunno. M.

[MichelleandCraig 1]

Now already CRaig has said I don't know if I can do this forever,etc(being here away from himetc) and Daryl just spoke to me..he's making crying faces and saying I want my dad(he's 15 btw) and saying..that's what I'm doing right now..and things..made me feel really bad; craig too. I know daryl is really upset too. There is NO solution to this. It's going to make me loopy; with messenger it's going to be brought tothe forefront every day. I'm not trying to be selfish, but we were meant to be happy at least some of the time when we got together. I'm gonna go have a long bath. M.

[diadromous mermaid 36]

Now already CRaig has said I don't know if I can do this forever,etc(being here away from himetc) and Daryl just spoke to me..he's making crying faces and saying I want my dad(he's 15 btw) and saying..that's what I'm doing right now..and things..made me feel really bad; craig too. I know daryl is really upset too. There is NO solution to this. It's going to make me loopy; with messenger it's going to be brought tothe forefront every day. I'm not trying to be selfish, but we were meant to be happy at least some of the time when we got together. I'm gonna go have a long bath. M.

I rarely post in threads that are devoted to emotional issues, but reading this I feel I just must comment. Michelle, you've got this one backwards. The daily contact will ease the pain of separation, you and he just have to give it more time. And in point of fact, the longing that evokes sadness between your husband and his son will subside with increased and daily messenger contact. If you are having a hard time understanding this, just reflect on what has occurred between you and Craig since he arrived. While you were apart, I'm sure just as with everyone, a lot of your conversations were oriented around discussing how much you longed for each other and how it was hard being apart. Yet, once here, since you know that you'll see each other in a matter of hours, do your morning farewells follow the same course? No. There's a natural ease that settles in, and as artificial as messenger can be as opposed to being there in person, the same type of situation can develop. Please have hope.

[MichelleandCraig 1]

I would like to DM but I fear I am correct in this situation. Only time will tell, and I *DO* hope you're right. However, it's been over a year now and a lot of those issues you mentioned have not resolved. Even Craig himself said this is going to bring it to the forefront a lot more,etc. I would like to have hope, and I will try, but the outlook is pretty bleak at the moment. This is one of the issues that has remained unresolved *all* the time throught Craig's being here the last year and now to have him on messenger every day saying that he misses him and doing crying smileys,etc every day(which I'm not !! faulting him for, just saying) isn't going to help Craig feel any better. Nor did the phone convos before that..they almost always ended with Craig being upset by Daryl saying how much he misses him, etc etc etc. We'll see. M.

also..to respond to when WE were apart..even daily(LOADSSSSSSS daily) of contact didn't ease our longing to be together. at all. We just wanted to BE there with each other. Daryl feels the same way toward Craig and vice versa. Also, I'm not trying to be negative..trying to start to look at things as they are. I love Craig will all my heart, but I'm beginning to really wonder if that's enough for this.

Edited January 29, 2006 by MichelleandCraig

[Peggy 1]

I am thinking this will be a good thing. Now that they can talk to each other every day. Do you guys have a cam so that Craigs son can see him. Maybe the son should get one to so he can see his dad. It will be hard at first, but I think as times goes by, it will help them both. I know when Roger and I were apart, I looked forward to talking to him online, and us seeing each other on our cams. So just see how it plays out. I really do think it is going to make it easier on them both.

[diadromous mermaid 36]

I would like to DM but I fear I am correct in this situation. Only time will tell, and I *DO* hope you're right. However, it's been over a year now and a lot of those issues you mentioned have not resolved. Even Craig himself said this is going to bring it to the forefront a lot more,etc. I would like to have hope, and I will try, but the outlook is pretty bleak at the moment. This is one of the issues that has remained unresolved *all* the time throught Craig's being here the last year and now to have him on messenger every day saying that he misses him and doing crying smileys,etc every day(which I'm not !! faulting him for, just saying) isn't going to help Craig feel any better. Nor did the phone convos before that..they almost always ended with Craig being upset by Daryl saying how much he misses him, etc etc etc. We'll see. M.

also..to respond to when WE were apart..even daily(LOADSSSSSSS daily) of contact didn't ease our longing to be together. at all. We just wanted to BE there with each other. Daryl feels the same way toward Craig and vice versa. Also, I'm not trying to be negative..trying to start to look at things as they are. I love Craig will all my heart, but I'm beginning to really wonder if that's enough for this.

If it's any consolation, I have no doubt that Darryl being 15 and a young man will soon have a different focus and interests elsewhere. It's called testosterone. Please, just give it time.

[britbird 4]

If your husband wants to sit there and depress himself with sad messanger faces then he's probably going to do it no matter how much effort you put into convincing him otherwise.

Try giving the appearance of ignoring it (well, you know what i mean - in a nice way) and go have some fun, either in the house or with your son or out of the house with others. If you give him a good alternative to sitting there and being locked in his own upset frame of mind then maybe he'll see that life is actually more fun when you enjoy what you have.

Go have a good time at the movies, invite some buddies over for a games party (taboo! boggle! monopoly! poker!) have your girlfriends over for a pot luck. Your husband can sit there with the computer for company if he wants to, but at least you will be having a nice time and hopefully by seeing you having a nice time (and a nice time that he can join in too if he wants to) he'll see that moping around isn't a terribly fun way to exist.

I had a tendency to be depressed and shun company for a little while...my husband put up with it for a little bit and then just directly told me that having my own private pity party wasn't helping anyone, least of all me, and that I should figure out other ways to spend my time. Sure, baby steps were involved, but with his support and my own realisation that having fun is much nicer than feeling sorry for myself, i'm much much better. I have a great job, I meet cool people all the time, and I focus on what is a head rather than what i left behind.

If, however, you are finding that your husband can't break out of this cycle of behavior then it seems to me he probably needs some form of councelling/marriage assistance (either with a shrink/doctor). Either way you shouldn't really be expected to put up with this on a daily basis, it isn't healthy for anyone involved.

Sorry if any of that sounds harsh, it's not meant to, merely trying to suggest ways to help, because the status quo does seem to be working for you.

[MichelleandCraig 1]

I know..I DO know that wasn't meant to sound harsh Brit, but I think it kinda was...I cannot even IMAGINE being apart from Corey(albeit it's a different situation..my natural child and I was with him everyday of his life..nearly)(but Craig considers Daryl his son..together since he was one) ANYWAYYY..for all of you(trying to help me I realize..not taking offense at all) who think this will be good..all I can say is I know my husband, and also know how the interaction..just on the phone too ..has affected him in the last YEAR. Its not like it's just been going on for 2 months or something...now, with Daryl being able to TELL him he's upset and crying and missing him each and every DAY..no..I don't see that as an improvement. I also don't think Craig is feelign sorry for himself ...I think he is caught ina situation which is no-win. He either misses me or he missed Daryl. I feel for him..but I don't know what to do, and it doesn't make for a very happy household. He says there have been times he can just ignore it,etc(and I know there are..he's been very happy a lot of the time around here lately)but that was with him ringing Daryl every few days. With this constant IM'ing and offlines even when Craig isn't on...I can't see that improving, only worsening. Thanks for your concern all anyway, I DO appreciate it. Michelle

[diadromous mermaid 36]

I know..I DO know that wasn't meant to sound harsh Brit, but I think it kinda was...I cannot even IMAGINE being apart from Corey(albeit it's a different situation..my natural child and I was with him everyday of his life..nearly)(but Craig considers Daryl his son..together since he was one) ANYWAYYY..for all of you(trying to help me I realize..not taking offense at all) who think this will be good..all I can say is I know my husband, and also know how the interaction..just on the phone too ..has affected him in the last YEAR. Its not like it's just been going on for 2 months or something...now, with Daryl being able to TELL him he's upset and crying and missing him each and every DAY..no..I don't see that as an improvement. I also don't think Craig is feelign sorry for himself ...I think he is caught ina situation which is no-win. He either misses me or he missed Daryl. I feel for him..but I don't know what to do, and it doesn't make for a very happy household. He says there have been times he can just ignore it,etc(and I know there are..he's been very happy a lot of the time around here lately)but that was with him ringing Daryl every few days. With this constant IM'ing and offlines even when Craig isn't on...I can't see that improving, only worsening. Thanks for your concern all anyway, I DO appreciate it. Michelle

Michelle, Darryl has just gained access to messenger. He's a 15 year old lad, and there will be biological changes that will occur which will naturally take care of this. Soon he will be so busy IMing his pals and girls and so on, then it'll be a whole different kettle of fish. Let's hope Craig won't be sad having to stand in line. Kids grow up and become independent. Gaining independence in this way is a good thing! Let Mother Nature take her course.

Edited January 29, 2006 by diadromous mermaid

[Lou Lou 1]

Agreed that at 15, it isn't going to be too long when the sad smilies will be a thing of the past for him. BritBird - a fantactic post and agree wholeheartedly. I had a horrible time for the first year of living here (had given up an excellent career & family) and then it suddenly dawned on me that the only person who could make it better was me. If Craig is feeling this way after being here so long, if at all possible I really think he should seek help and guidance elsewhere. Or perhaps couples councelling would help? Is there a local school that could offer cheaper sessions for trainees if money is a problem? I think if he goes back for a visit feeling this way, he's gonna find it even harder to get back on the plane which will open up a whole 'nother can of worms.

[gimygirl 0]

here i am ...

craig started this thread and i think he needs to come back with an update about how HE feels. from what i can glean ... he is absolutely torn between the love he feels for you and the life he wants in england. of course, he can't have both and doesn't want to disappoint either.

there is usually a 12-18 month period of ups & downs during this cultural adjustment, but most people are able to get a handle on their depression much sooner. it's actually called cultural shock and he seems to be stagnant in passing through onto acceptance that this is his life. he needs counseling.

i do tend to agree with you, mich. that his contact with his son(step) often via the internet is going to only increase his sadness again. this is going to affect him, this is going to affect you and this is going to affect corey. i know how i was with my parents and we were close ... they were a part of my everyday life at 15 and they remain to be at 33 (my dad rang me this AM and woke me up, my mom walked over today with a parcel for us). craig IS his dad and they have a bond, you are so fortunate that you realize that, because a lot of women don't. you leaving corey (an inconceivable thought) is the very thing that craig has done with darryl, regardless of the fact that they didn't actually live together when he left england.

personally, i think craig needs to go back to england ... now hear me out. i think he has a LOT of unresolved feelings and emotions and it is next to impossible for him to deal with them here. he needs to do this for himself, for his sanity and for his happiness. you both (along with both your boys) deserve to be happy. it's apparent that he wants to be with you ... he just doesn't want to be here. a trip to england will give him a chance to reflect on what he has here at home with you. then again, maybe not ... maybe he's just not emotionally prepared or ready to move at this point in his life.

you have been an absolute pillar, mich and noone would dare say any different, but something has got to be done at this point. i can appreciate you sharing and helping others in who may be in a similar situation ... but your's has been going on for a very long time. unfortunately, you and craig alone can not make a positive resolution happen ... it's time to be proactive and make a change for the better through counseling or a visit to england.

i say this to you from my heart! i admire your strength and look up to you!! i know that i would not have lasted this long!