The Vent - Part Trois

[Sprailenes 47]

Well I have had a pretty crappy weekend. I think it goes down as the crappiest weekend I have ever had in my life.

As you know I had to drive up to Canada to pick up my son on Saturday and then drive back down on Sunday. I drove through a snow storm, my son missed his hockey game, and none of this was planned - but hey life is like that right?

My vent is my mother, who I love but who is beginning to make me feel drained. She expects way too much from me and I am starting to become extremely annoyed.

She claims to be all independent, but when it comes to doing anything in the US she can't make it down to NJ without having me do some traveling to meet her. Well I am tired of traveling to meet her. The latest is that in March she plans to come down by train and have me meet her in NYC. Can't just make things easy and switch trains and get to Philadelphia, no I have to take the train an hour and a half to meet her. I think there's some sinister side to her that enjoys making people wait on her. If I took a train into Toronto, I would be expected to catch a bus to get to Midland. No special treatment for me.

If she drives, she expects me to drive all the way up to Binghampton to meet her. Thats 4 hours of driving because she can't make it on her own. The only way she'll drive down alone is if my uncle goes with her. My uncle is dirt poor and never has money and becomes my financial burden somehow. Yea it's annoying. We can't go anywhere, or do anything because he's always flat broke. We'll go out for dinner and I'll have to pay for him. There's no silver lining either way you look at it. I just wish she could do things like drive to New Jersey on her freaking own.

I am annoyed. I had a crappy weekend so all this talk of meeting her again in a few months is just not what I want to hear. Get to Philadelphia on your own - then I'll pick you up.

FML.

[Krikit 1,163]

(((((((((((Sprailenes))))))))))))

This time last year I was sitting with my Cousin while she bawled her eyes out. She used to complain about her father and his various idiosyncracies. He died last November. In between sobs she cried "I don't CARE that he used to do ________." "I don't CARE that he always did _______." "I just want to hold him one last time." "I just want to tell him that I love him."

If my Mum would drive, take a train, fly, or even walk here..... I would gladly pick her up.

[lgg 2]

awwww, Nev... .

that's the suck, eh? It's extra hard when people you love place way too many demands on you without reciprocation as it's impossible to know how to feel about it.

I know, the idea of unconditional love and stuff is very appealing but it very rarely comes without its hinderances and such therefore, making it not that unconditional...

^ that's for you, Sprails...

[Sprailenes 47]

Yea I guess you would. But at this point, having a nervous breakdown in my car in Syracuse, bawling my eyes out, driving 40 through most of NY state, almost spinning out in my car, breaking my finger, getting a parking ticket in Toronto, and just having a crappy weekend in general, kind of put a sour taste in my mouth.

I am tired of always meeting her. I said I loved her dearly, but I think she can get down this way on her own. She can. She just refuses to. The thing is, I do it, I go all the way to Canada to meet her.

I love my mother, but I am tired of this situation. It's emotionally, mentally, and financially draining.

Edited January 5, 2010 by Sprailenes

[Krikit 1,163]

Have you told her?

[Sprailenes 47]

awwww, Nev... .

that's the suck, eh? It's extra hard when people you love place way too many demands on you without reciprocation as it's impossible to know how to feel about it.

I know, the idea of unconditional love and stuff is very appealing but it very rarely comes without its hinderances and such therefore, making it not that unconditional...

^ that's for you, Sprails...

Yea it is hard.

My husband is also annoyed because he had to do all of the driving. It was a crazy weekend, in fact I would for sure put it down as one of the worst weekends of my life.

Perhaps the emotions of the weekend are still with me, but when she called me yesterday to tell me to meet her in NYC, I was just like: "What??"

There's a whole bunch of situations with her lately.

I mean it's just all starting to get to be a bit much for me right now.

[SapphireDreams 71]

I totally hear ya Sprail. I think it's crazy how much you meet her and drive, sounds exhausting and not that safe in the middle of winter. Can she get her passport renewed and then fly? Maybe you can offer to pay the difference of the train/plane ticket? If you end up having to pay for your Uncle, then she should just put the money towards a plane ticket.

Sanity is probably our biggest reason for flying back to Toronto. You don't have to worry about driving in bad weather, getting tired, etc. It can get expensive, but sometimes it's worth it.

[Sprailenes 47]

Have you told her?

Yea but I am not even going to get into that because I am the one who moved away and its my fault.

I am an only child and yea it's a complete burden sometimes because there's no one else to share the load with.

For example, she just decided to tell me yesterday that I need to come home for a week next month to help her after surgery... okay that's fine. I have no issues with that, but how is it that my 11 year old son knew of this 3 months ago and I am only finding out about it now? I am the one who has to schedule time off.

Then she wants me to bring up my son for the week I go up.. no can't do that he's got school. He's missed 4 days already due to going up, coming down etc. He can't miss any more school.

There's just things with my mom, and like I said, I love her, but there are things that people usually don't understand until they meet her and see it for themselves.

She's a great woman, who I admire dearly. But sometimes she burdens me a little bit and I vent about it.

Don't take it the wrong way anyone, I just wanted to vent is all.

[Udella&Wiz 325]

Yea I guess you would. But at this point, having a nervous breakdown in my car in Syracuse, bawling my eyes out, driving 40 through most of NY state, almost spinning out in my car, breaking my finger, getting a parking ticket in Toronto, and just having a crappy weekend in general, kind of put a sour taste in my mouth.

I am tired of always meeting her. I said I loved her dearly, but I think she can get down this way on her own. She can. She just refuses to. The thing is, I do it, I go all the way to Canada to meet her.

I love my mother, but I am tired of this situation. It's emotionally, mentally, and financially draining.

OMG - that just totally sucks - stupid universe

On the mother front - I think I remember you saying something last year about this .....honestly coming half way and expecting to be picked up is your mother's attempt at being controlling. She probably doesn't do it just to you, she probably treats everyone that way, right? She perhaps has always been indulged in the behaviour and so continues to do it.

I know it's hard to say no, but just make yourself unavailable....or you could be downright honest and tell her exactly what you've said to us. Ask ehr why she expects special treatment and why can't she drive all teh way - I mean especially if she has company in teh acr from your Uncle, you know?

Sounds easy, I know - but honestly my family is like that and we can say whatever we need to say, like you said - you don't expect special treatment for yourself. This is a tough love situation, your mom is honestly being pretty immature expecting special treatment and maybe needs a little reality from you.

I'm sure she will rant and rave and tell you you;re a bad daughter, but if you can get through the couple days of miserableness, she'll come around a bit I would think.

[ValerieA 350]

Yea but I am not even going to get into that because I am the one who moved away and its my fault.

That is NOT right. You are entitled to live your life, all parents must accept the fact that their children are going to leave them at some point. She must miss you horribly, but she has to also make the effort to see you, not always the other way around.

You could look at it as her fault for not moving to be closer to you

[Krikit 1,163]

Don't take it the wrong way anyone, I just wanted to vent is all.

Don't worry, Nevada. I didn't take it the wrong way. I understand.

[Sprailenes 47]

It totally is about control.

She drives herself down to New Mexico once a year but can't get to Jersey? Come on.

She has the money to get here on her own, she has no troubles financially so I don't need to help her. It's only when she decides to bring my uncle down and suddenly make him my problem. For example, saying: "Lets go out for dinner" and then telling the waiter to put him on our bill. Totally pisses my husband off too by the way. He gets so annoyed by my uncle because we've already lent him so much money in the past and have never been paid back.

Anyways I am just annoyed as is my husband now. He wants me to just tell her no or he will, so yea I expect a full blow up soon.

[Peachey 10]

Nev, we should meet up so Varba can give you a hedgehog or something LOL

[Sprailenes 47]

That is NOT right. You are entitled to live your life, all parents must accept the fact that their children are going to leave them at some point. She must miss you horribly, but she has to also make the effort to see you, not always the other way around.

You could look at it as her fault for not moving to be closer to you

She misses me and my son a lot, we miss her. But I am just feeling stressed and everything lately. I tried to tell her about the drive home on Sunday and how awful it was and she was like: "You're a Canadian I don't know why you're complaining about some snow"

It's things like that. Just because I'm a Canadian doesn't mean my car won't end up in a ditch or up against a guard rail. I don't think mother nature is easy on Canadians.

[Wyatt's Torch 45]

Yeah Nev...you've GOT to put your foot down. I know it's really hard -- I see the hold my grandmother has over my mother every single day. But there's just no alternative, really, unless you want to remain miserable. You've got to dictate the boundaries. "Mom, I would be more than happy to have you visit, but you have to understand that I'm not able to drive up to New York to meet you. If you can't deal with that, you'll just have to wait until I visit you next." If she's able to drive to New Mexico, it's abundantly clear that it IS just a control issue, as others have mentioned. Don't LET her do that. Guilt is a parent's favorite tool, be it inadvertent or intentional. Don't let her stick that wedge into you.