The Vent - Part Trois

[OBX 51]

So I told my husband that this mothers day I wanted to spend it with my son, instead of going over to his mothers house. We kind of talked about it and he said I'd be causing a lot of drama if I didn't show up and part of being married is doing stuff you don't always want to do. So I ended up just giving in and going over.

Now I don't believe anyone has to slave over me on a Hallmark holiday. Basically my husband and his brother were supposed to be cooking, and his grandparents and uncle came over. Umm I ended up doing a pile of dishes and cleaning up and clearing plates. His brother didn't really lift a finger. It was my husband and I doing all of the work... but I'm a mother too.

I know being married sometimes means compromising but I basically felt like complete ####### and it was supposed to be mothers day. I didn't expect to be doing everyones dishes or clearing them up either. I haven't talked to my husband about this either because if I do, it'll be me making an issue out of what he sees as a non-issue. But I constantly feel like I am compromising myself when it comes to things with his family. It doesn't exactly make me feel great either.

Bah.

Doesn't sound too much like compromising to me. It's a tough situation for sure.

Both of my parents are gone so my Mother's Day is all about me being with my boys (we were in Canada this weekend.) At the last minute my husband asks if I want to drive to Toronto (an hour or so from where we were) to see his mother. I only had a short time to see my boys due to their weekend jobs so I wasn't too thrilled but what could I say..."No I don't want you to see your mother on Mother's Day." But for us the compromise was we went to TO early on Mother's Day and were back by the time the boys were done work.

It can be very difficult to balance two families but the bottom line IMO is that when you get married that is now your family and that should be the priority. Next year drop off some flowers for your MIL, wish her Happy Mother's Day then plan to spend the rest of the day alone with your husband and son.

Edited May 12, 2010 by OBX

[Sprailenes 47]

The whole day was weird, my FIL left for the weekend to go play golf and I think that hit a nerve with my MIL, it's mothers day you know? You could go golfing any other day, it was just a really weird and sort of sad feeling mothers day. Then my husband doing all the work and my BIL not helping too much... it was just weird.

[Sam and Ben 2]

My vent is that I need to learn how to say no.

I've been taking a look at a lot of things I've done in my life, and a great portion of it has to do with my inability to refuse someone I cared about. And while that isn't a terrible flaw... it's one that greatly strains me.

It's weirdly contradictory, too... I've always been a vocal person, I say how I feel, what I want, etc. I'm too honest for my own good some days. So why is this something I seem to be completely incapable of?

My second vent is that Wyatt vented about everyone leaving and then he left us. So there.

[Sprailenes 47]

Its hard to say no, I have the exact same problem, and I think a lot of people do. It's hard to get out of that too. I have actually started doing it at work, and I think thats a good place to start, because once you start there you can kind of get a feel for it and then bring it home. I know it sounds weird, but practicing on people you care less about helps.

About Wyatt, but I don't think he understood what anyone was going through until he walked a mile in their shoes and now he is. He moved down, got a job within a week and has to balance his married life on top of that. I think he's probably eating his words now.

[Bern. 3]

My vent is how my husband won't stop touching my stomach. I'm only 8 weeks pregnant at the most, I'm not showing at all. It bugs me to ####### everytime he touches my stomach now. LOL

[Rhiannercakes 14]

My husband rubs my stomach even though I'm not pregnant, bugs the hell out of me.

[Sprailenes 47]

I think thats beautiful. Is it creepy that I always want to touch the stomach of pregnant ladies?

I think pregnancy is just amazing.

When I was pregnant I felt absolutely gorgeous and awesome. Yea I had my bouts of sickness, back aches, breast pain... but its such an amazing experience.

Edited May 12, 2010 by Sprailenes

[Rhiannercakes 14]

I've actually never touched a pregnant woman's stomach, ever.

I wanted to reserve that feeling for my own pregnancy... if it'll ever happen. Dunno if it will, my husband's being real immature about his debt and hasn't paid any for 7 months and I swear if it's not paid off by our 5th anniversary we're not having kids. He's already had the debt for 6 years!

Ugh.

[SupportGeek 21]

I've actually never touched a pregnant woman's stomach, ever.

I wanted to reserve that feeling for my own pregnancy... if it'll ever happen. Dunno if it will, my husband's being real immature about his debt and hasn't paid any for 7 months and I swear if it's not paid off by our 5th anniversary we're not having kids. He's already had the debt for 6 years!

Ugh.

I often think that being an adult pretty well inevitably involves being in debt for a long time. Bleh.

[OBX 51]

My second vent is that Wyatt vented about everyone leaving and then he left us. So there.

About Wyatt, but I don't think he understood what anyone was going through until he walked a mile in their shoes and now he is. He moved down, got a job within a week and has to balance his married life on top of that. I think he's probably eating his words now.

When he first posted that comment, I chuckled and thought he might see things a bit differently when he moved. I think a lot of people need the support when they are going through the process and then move on to other things. I'm okay with that and still happy to see them pop in occasionally.

Edited May 12, 2010 by OBX

[The_Dude 1,142]

Its hard to say no, I have the exact same problem, and I think a lot of people do. It's hard to get out of that too. I have actually started doing it at work, and I think thats a good place to start, because once you start there you can kind of get a feel for it and then bring it home. I know it sounds weird, but practicing on people you care less about helps.

About Wyatt, but I don't think he understood what anyone was going through until he walked a mile in their shoes and now he is. He moved down, got a job within a week and has to balance his married life on top of that. I think he's probably eating his words now.

That's not proper netiquette to call out someone's hypocracy

I don't know why people have trouble saying no. I almost revel in it. There is a woman whom I work with who is not exactly qualified to do her own job. Yet, she prays on people who can't say no to do bits and pieces of her work for her, and then looks like super employee for getting her reports in on time. She asked me when I first started working here to do a part of a statistical analysis for her. I told her I would show her how to do it on the software package that we use here. The look of horror on her face was priceless. Sadly, she doen't even ask me anymore.

On another, more random note, there is a woman here at work who is absolutely hilarious when she sneezes. Rather than just cover her mouth with her hand, or a kleenex, she gives herself a big hug with both hands and sneezes into her arms (inside of the elbows). It's so over exaggerated that it's funny.

[trailmix 77]

My vent is that I need to learn how to say no.

I've been taking a look at a lot of things I've done in my life, and a great portion of it has to do with my inability to refuse someone I cared about. And while that isn't a terrible flaw... it's one that greatly strains me.

It's weirdly contradictory, too... I've always been a vocal person, I say how I feel, what I want, etc. I'm too honest for my own good some days. So why is this something I seem to be completely incapable of?

My second vent is that Wyatt vented about everyone leaving and then he left us. So there.

I used to have trouble saying no - but I got over it and this is how. I decided one day, worse case scenario, you say no and then what? Well then nothing really - in terms of negatives. People still like you, people still want to do stuff with you - it doesn't change those relationships in a negative way.

At the same time it give your friends and family the freedom to say no to you (yes, it's a 2 way street). So when you say, hey, if you don't want to go shopping today just say no - it's not a problem - when they say no you just accept it nicely.

You end up not going to the MIL Mother's day celebration - you end up not going to the candle sales party - that's about it.

It's great and freeing - for everyone involved.

[Sprailenes 47]

I wish it were just okay to say no in some of the situations with my husband's family. But my husband comes from a family where you don't really say no without reason and your reason needs to be good enough because if it isn't you'll be on the ####### list for a while.

At my wedding, his cousin said she would come but then her HUSBAND came back from Iraq a few weeks early, so she didn't show up at my wedding. No hard feelings from me, I understood, but the rest of them sort of had it out for her for a while. I mean I thought having your husband come back from war was a good enough reason to not attend a wedding... especially after not seeing him for a year.

I guess I'd have to be okay with being on the ####### list. I was on it last year when I didn't attend his cousin's wedding, I mean it was a few months of dealing with a couple of cold shoulders. Did it bother me? Yes... but I guess at the end of the day its my fault for letting it.

[darkchilde794 5]

I had a hard time saying no, and telling people exactly how I feel. I grew up in a very passive aggressive household and we hid our feelings with smiles and kind words. It was sooooooo fake. Fortunately, I married a man who has no tolerance for bullsh*t, and in the 4 years of being with him, I grew a spine and learned my still favorite word, "no"

However, his family are all about shying away from what is really going on, and sweeping things under the rug. Like this ####### between my husband and his brother. After hearing what happened between MIL and BIL, I just wanted to go to BIL and say, ok ####### is your problem???? But I cant do that... I also have to hide this bullshit from my husband, because "his feelings will get hurt". Well this lack of communication is definitely helping everyone's f*cked up cause.

I think I made a mistake moving here. I am seriously considering moving back to TO with my husband, and just living away from family. Or even moving to the west coast... as hubby loves it there. Maybe that is what you should do Sprailenes -- move really far away and just see your in-laws 2x a year.

[lgg 2]

Oh man... saying no is the hardest thing ever. Or, it used to be. I found that despite my strong character, i'd pretty much bend over backwards for people I cared about, no matter how wrong they were or how much 'no' they deserved. Really ended up biting me in the butt. As when I needed some bending over, they were shocked, appalled and would in no way accommodate me. Lesson learned? Just say no when your gut says so. It works so much better that way.

It's hard sam and ben... but you'll get there and yeah, seconded about Wyatt. It's really sad, I'll be honest.

My vent is that I need to learn how to say no.

I've been taking a look at a lot of things I've done in my life, and a great portion of it has to do with my inability to refuse someone I cared about. And while that isn't a terrible flaw... it's one that greatly strains me.

It's weirdly contradictory, too... I've always been a vocal person, I say how I feel, what I want, etc. I'm too honest for my own good some days. So why is this something I seem to be completely incapable of?

My second vent is that Wyatt vented about everyone leaving and then he left us. So there.