The Vent - Part Trois

[Wyatt's Torch 45]

Yeah...living with in-laws would be horrible. I LOVE my in-laws. I truly do! But I think when you first get married, you really need to have a place to yourselves to bond...otherwise it's like having several other people in your marriage. This is totally just my opinion though -- to each their own.

There is no way -- for me -- that living with in-laws would be anything other than a very temporary option. I have a hard enough time living with my OWN family on a temporary basis right now. The privacy issue would just get to me. Not a lot of "couple" time in that situation...and I'm not limiting that to sex, per se...just the whole "time to sit together and do nothing" thing.

I'm serious when I say I really, really feel for you Sam...honestly, that sounds like a nightmare to me. I know you have an issue with renting, but at least you could get into an environment where it's just you and your hubby... That's more important than the rent money issue, isn't it? Not judging at all...jus' sayin'...

[Sprailenes 47]

It wouldn't have been so bad if my MIL didn't make low blow comments, or get overly involved in everything that happened. My BIL was an arsehole to my son, and that was accepted and okay.

I moved out, my BIL and I now get along great, he's nice to my son, I feel like my MIL is more tolerable and my marriage is better.

I still hold a bit of a grudge though, I am hoping it will pass with time.

Edited March 1, 2010 by Sprailenes

[Sprailenes 47]

Yeah...living with in-laws would be horrible. I LOVE my in-laws. I truly do! But I think when you first get married, you really need to have a place to yourselves to bond...otherwise it's like having several other people in your marriage. This is totally just my opinion though -- to each their own.

There is no way -- for me -- that living with in-laws would be anything other than a very temporary option. I have a hard enough time living with my OWN family on a temporary basis right now. The privacy issue would just get to me. Not a lot of "couple" time in that situation...and I'm not limiting that to sex, per se...just the whole "time to sit together and do nothing" thing.

I'm serious when I say I really, really feel for you Sam...honestly, that sounds like a nightmare to me. I know you have an issue with renting, but at least you could get into an environment where it's just you and your hubby... That's more important than the rent money issue, isn't it? Not judging at all...jus' sayin'...

It is like that. I think Amanda said it best once about living with her inlaws: "Everyone had a front row seat and a bag of popcorn for my first year of marriage"

[Kimbear 53]

egad..you guys are making me nervous about living with davids family. his sister has not left home yet either and she is a messy person, only good thing is that the basement is like her own self contained apartment. technically she doesn't need to come upstairs but iknow she will. as for the parents well, they are going to be retired when we move in, so they will be home all day long. i like his family, but i just dont know what to say half the time to them.

[The_Dude 1,142]

egad..you guys are making me nervous about living with davids family. his sister has not left home yet either and she is a messy person, only good thing is that the basement is like her own self contained apartment. technically she doesn't need to come upstairs but iknow she will. as for the parents well, they are going to be retired when we move in, so they will be home all day long. i like his family, but i just dont know what to say half the time to them.

Now just think about how awkward that silence will be when you're there all day and you're husband is off at work.

[Danu 19]

My only bliss is that Wes's roommate works when Wes does, so I'm home alone (which gets boring but meh). Hes still messy and doesnt even do simple things like put his cup into the empty dishwasher, but hes working on it, and on the weekends most of the time during the day we're all doing our own stuff and then we watch a movie at night. I think it would drive me nuts if he was here all day though.

[lgg 2]

That sounds SO rough Sam... Kudos to you for putting up with it, I would LOSE my mind completely. Not gonna go there with the rent/own debate as I find that's way too personal to each personal/couple. I just came from a lifetime of renting to home ownership so... I'm a newbie too.

Good luck, girl -- I wish you were enjoying your first months/years of marriage a little more rather than running after a mean sister in law.

Same reason I never leased a vehicle. It'd be hard to watch that money go towards something I couldn't call my own at the end of the day.

Word, Wyatt, word....

Yeah...living with in-laws would be horrible. I LOVE my in-laws. I truly do! But I think when you first get married, you really need to have a place to yourselves to bond...otherwise it's like having several other people in your marriage. This is totally just my opinion though -- to each their own.

There is no way -- for me -- that living with in-laws would be anything other than a very temporary option. I have a hard enough time living with my OWN family on a temporary basis right now. The privacy issue would just get to me. Not a lot of "couple" time in that situation...and I'm not limiting that to sex, per se...just the whole "time to sit together and do nothing" thing.

I'm serious when I say I really, really feel for you Sam...honestly, that sounds like a nightmare to me. I know you have an issue with renting, but at least you could get into an environment where it's just you and your hubby... That's more important than the rent money issue, isn't it? Not judging at all...jus' sayin'...

[lgg 2]

OH yeaaahhhh! Laissez les bonne temps roulez! Fun times, fun times...

sorry Kimbear....

Now just think about how awkward that silence will be when you're there all day and you're husband is off at work.

[darkchilde794 5]

Oh Sam, Im sorry to hear about whats going on with your household. It really IS so hard to live with others, and even more in-laws. I think you and your husband really have to talk about what to do about your situation, because marriage in itself is stressful... having to spend extra energy on other stresses can make things unbearable at times. The first few years really do test relationships, just cause its hard to try to combine lives together, try to live together, bills together etc. Having to deal with another family's set of stresses will really take a toll on you and your hubby.

Have you thought about buying a condo, if you are adverse to renting but wanting your own place still? Even a one bedroom condo would provide enough space for you and your hubby and will provide the comforts of a house! And like the others said, dont close your door to renting if it means peace of mind and privacy for you and your husband in the long run. My super duper uber frugal redhead actually thinks that if you are able to rent low cost housing and put your extra money on competitive investment, you would eventually offset the money that goes into rent and make money. If you buy a house, you do pay a boat load of money into property taxes, which you will never see ever again. And you dont really own your house until you pay the last cent to your mortgage... which can be as long as 30 years for some people...

[Wyatt's Torch 45]

Yeah, that's an excellent point by Darkchilde, and something I should have thought to mention myself: I always think of rent in the same way as I think of taxes or utility payments: you ARE paying money for something. You're still paying for shelter. It's obviously not worthy of debate, because we're talking different mindsets here...but I don't think rent should be thought of as throwing money away, any more than taxes are. You ARE getting something for it. You just don't have ownership. If you know (as you do) that you're going to buy something in a couple of years, then think of paying rent as training for mortgage payments. You guys are still really young (I don't mean that in a demeaning kind of way), so if you manage to get into the housing market when you're in your mid-twenties, then you're a huge step ahead of most people. If you've had the opportunity to rent for a year or two beforehand, you'll learn what it's like to be around one another when it's just you and him. That's something that shouldn't be a luxury...it's something you should have right now.

Whatever you decide to do, you've got the support of VJ at least.

[Kimbear 53]

Now just think about how awkward that silence will be when you're there all day and you're husband is off at work.

..rob..i hate you ...LOL

[ScooterMac 2]

Arrrrrgh

When we opened yesterday afternoon, my volunteer came flying in the door flipping out that someone in the community was going to open a rival youth center across town (less than a 1/2 mile away) to put "me" out of business. Mind you, my volunteer was *way* overreacting, but still....This person is a parent of 2 kids who come to our youth center, was once very active in our project, and thinks that our youth center is way too strict and that kids "need a place to act like kids." Our rules are actually fairly reasonable (Respect the staff, each other, and the equipment, don't make out with your girlfriend, don't scream obscenities across the room, etc) and we don't let kids skateboard inside the building because of liability reasons.

So now, on top of battling a group of people who think we don't do enough with these kids, I've got opposition telling me that I expect too much of these kids.

Anyway, this guy wants to open a youth center in a much bigger building, allow kids to skateboard, have arcade games and let the kids do whatever they want. And, to make it even better, he has his kids telling all the other students about how cool its gonna be, and how they're opening in less than two weeks, and how "I'm" totally going to be out of business. What mostly bothers me is that this guy keeps referring to me by name, and talking about putting me out of work and stuff. It's bizarre.

What the heck is wrong with my town?

[Carlawarla 1]

You know, in the kind of work you're doing, from my own personal experience there is ALWAYS going to be people that think that they can either do a better job than you. I don't know how small the town is that you work in, but getting the support of the leaders in the community is essential. I think I remember you saying earlier that community leaders were one of your critics? It's time that you met with them and came to some kind of understanding. What is it they want of you? How can you guys meet and come up with some type of compromise on what it is that they're looking for? Is it just location that bothers them? That wouldn't suggest to me that it's location if they're supporting the other person from opening up a place so close to you. Bring some of the parents that DO think you do a great job to the community leader meeting. Have some kids that are doing volunteer work in the community take a leadership role in advocating the program you run.

Small towns are SO political! If you really believe in what you're doing though, you can't ignore that the biggest critic's of your program will be your demise if you don't have them on your side. Maybe it's time to get someone involved, just ONE person that can advocate for you...a professional from the community, that will do some pro bono work for your group. It will take a lot of time and effort to do this work, and if you're the person "running" the centre each day, that might not be possible without some help on the "#### kissing" part of things.

Best of luck!

Edited March 2, 2010 by Carlawarla

[ScooterMac 2]

You know, in the kind of work you're doing, from my own personal experience there is ALWAYS going to be people that think that they can either do a better job than you. I don't know how small the town is that you work in, but getting the support of the leaders in the community is essential. I think I remember you saying earlier that community leaders were one of your critics? It's time that you met with them and came to some kind of understanding. What is it they want of you? How can you guys meet and come up with some type of compromise on what it is that they're looking for? Is it just location that bothers them? That wouldn't suggest to me that it's location if they're supporting the other person from opening up a place so close to you. Bring some of the parents that DO think you do a great job to the community leader meeting. Have some kids that are doing volunteer work in the community take a leadership role in advocating the program you run.

Small towns are SO political! If you really believe in what you're doing though, you can't ignore that the biggest critic's of your program will be your demise if you don't have them on your side. Maybe it's time to get someone involved, just ONE person that can advocate for you...a professional from the community, that will do some pro bono work for your group. It will take a lot of time and effort to do this work, and if you're the person "running" the centre each day, that might not be possible without some help on the "#### kissing" part of things.

Best of luck!

It's a MUCH too small town *LOL*

We have people on both sides - 3 school board members, a former teacher, our guidance couselor, and a few pastors are on our board of directors. Most of the school board members are on our side. The kids advocate for their own program and do community service work as well, but these are kids that most people don't trust (we have a lot of at-risk kids) so when people see them out, they clutch their purses a little tighter and cross the street.

There's one school board member backed by about 10 very vocal people, including the police officer's wife (who stated publicly that her husband is against the youth center), the superintendent's secretary, the head of the teacher's union, etc. I've tried to talk to all of these people, but they're not willing to even set foot inside the building, let alone meet with me there to see what we're working with. We're in the process of finding a new superintendent, so who knows what will happen there. I've sat down and spoken with the police officer, and encouraged him to stop by whenever he notices an issue (which he's never done). I've spoken with the lady on the school board, but she insists that these students must be charged a fee to enter so they learn that "life isn't a free ride". There's no compromise in her mind. A lot of people have a problem with the fact that tax money (from the school) is going to support the youth center, and that we also receive money from local churches. People either complain about their tax money going to "waste" on these kids, or they cry "seperation of church and state!" It hurts my brain.

As for parents, most of them are absentees during these hours - we have one parent who volunteers, and we occasionally see others when they pick their kid up (on the way home from work or whatever). We've tried repeatedly to get them involved, but even the ones who are home during those hours don't have any desire to help. One mother actually said "You take him during those hours so he's not a pain in my @$$, why would I want to help there?"

I'm about burned out with trying to do my own PR work while running the place. I know there will always be people who think they could do it better, or that I'm not doing the right thing, and I can handle a lot of it. Right now it's just absurd to me that I have a group of people who think I'm not doing enough, and another who think I'm expecting too much to expect the kids to behave civilly.

Edited March 2, 2010 by ScooterMac

[Varba 0]

..rob..i hate you ...LOL

Psst.

Congratulate him on his win on Sunday, that'll make him stop... honest!

@Sam

Maybe your Easter basket will have a tazer in. I hear they are most helpful with pesky relatives.