Just need to babble...

[PlatyPius 5]

I think I mentioned on here once before that Sian's mom had cancer and was dying. Sian left for Malta last Saturday after her Dad called her and told her it wouldn't be long. She's known about it since her mom was diagnosed. She seems to be ok about it, but then...she's a lot like me; she keeps things inside. I know she wanted her mom to go quickly and painlessly. It didn't turn out that way. It still wasn't long by many standards, but the longer she hung on, the more it seemed to affect Sian. Sian has never had anyone close to her die. On the other hand, my Dad died 5 days before my 6th birthday, and I've lost one relative a year after that, it seems. To me, death is just something that happens.

I'm worried that I won't know what to say to Sian when she's able to talk to me again. Sympathy is not something I'm good with. Likewise, it isn't something that Sian is good at receiving. This is my first experience with having a SO who has lost a parent while I've been with them, or at all for that matter.

I had been afraid that Mum would die on my birthday. I don't know why it bothered me so much; maybe I just didn't want my birthday always being associated with that. I feel selfish feeling that way, but I can't help it. As it is, she waited until today; the day after my birthday. Sian sent me a text at 4am (10am in Malta) saying "Mum just died."

I know how Sian feels, but I don't know what to say or do.

What makes it harder for me is that I never got to meet my future Mum-in-Law. She didn't in fact even know of my existence. It's a very complicated situation, really. What it comes down to is, Sian's Mum was already sick when her and I got together. Her Dad was already starting to grieve, and her son was not dealing with it well at all. Because of that, Sian didn't mention anything about us. Her Mum would have worried because it was an "internet thing", and Sian didn't want to lay that on her Dad and Jordan while they were dealing with her Mum's problems.

Her Dad will know about it before Sian leaves Malta in a week or so. Jordan....I don't know when she's going to tell him. I think it will depend upon how he deals with this. He's never been to a funeral in his life. (He's 12) Yes, it's bothered me that no one (except for Sian's friends at work) knew about her and I, but I understood the need for it. Still.....I've somewhat felt like "the big secret".

Anyway, as the title stated, this is just me babbling. Not really expecting any answers or great revelations; just needed to post this somewhere where no one really knows us. My own forums....well, everyone there knows me very well. It just isn't the same somehow.

Thanks for "listening".

[one...two...tree 2,762]

I'm so sorry about Sian's loss and you not getting the chance to meet your in-law.

This is definitely not the time for her to bring up the relationship, but you must feel totally alienated from the family as they grieve their loss and you are in essence, invisible to them. I don't know what to say - just feel bad for everyone involved.

[PlatyPius 5]

Thank you. I think you've just summed it up perfectly.

[Melo 1]

So sorry to hear your news

[Tim and Bethanie 1]

Very sorry to hear of Sian's loss. I know it must be tough on you as well, considering the situation. The best you can do is show your love for her, and support her the way you feel she needs it. Keep your lines of communication wide open through this. Explain to Sian just what you have shared here, and ask what she needs of you. The more you talk about it the better you can help one another with your emotions.

I never met my mother in law, she passed nearly 10 years ago. Unfotunately my husband never got to grieve her death, due to lack of support from his ex wife. The first anniversary of his mothers death we shared together was tough, I had no idea he was still suffering until that day. I had him take me to his mothers grave, we took flowers, cleaned up around her stone, and stood there crying together. We then took a Sunday drive to her favorite home, walked in the garden and he shared many very nice stories of his mum.

Since then I have made sure to place items of his mums out in our home that had been stored in a box since her death. I even wear her kimono on a regular basis. There is a big metal butterfly now in my front garden as a reminder of his mother, who loved butterflies. Often times when I am out weeding or watering there is always one lone butterfly that passes by and sometimes sits close on a limb. I share this with my husband and tell him I always think of her. Long story I know, but it was these little things I feel that made my husband finally morn the loss of his mother, and now he openly shares stories of her without shedding a tear. So after nearly 7 years of not dealing with her death, he has been able to do so just because someone was willing to take the time to listen to him. Now is the best time for you to learn about your mum in law, Sian's relationship with her, and to find some way to include your mum in law in your future lives together.

B

[Kathryn41 3,205]

I am sorry for your loss - it is hard to lose your mother. My mother passed away a month after Joe and I became engaged and they never had a chance to meet either for which I have always been sad. What helped me cope with her death, the funeral arrangements and all of the emotional release later was his quiet, ongoing support. He just listened patiently to me as I cried and talked, sympathized with my feelings; held me when we met again afterwards, and was just 'there' for me. He notified our mutual online friends of my Mom's passing and sort of took a lot of that busywork onto himself. There is no one way to respond to such a loss but just be there for Cian, accept what she offers and shares with love and support and know that the tears will eventually pass.

[Fandango 1,439]

Deepest condolances to Sian and her family...as well as you of course.

I actually agree completely with Steven....now is not the time.

[Dixie_Peach 1]

Cian... so sorry to hear of Sian's mom passing... my thoughts and prayers go out to you both... and her family... just love her... be there to listen IF she ever does want to talk... which i know you will do...

love has a way of shining through and showing itself to our loved ones... i bet that someone has an inkling that Sian is in love... so maybe it won't be such a big surprise to all of the family.

Oh well... i'm rambling... just wanted to say that I will be thinking of ya'll...

Lynne

PS: happy belated birthday... sorry that it was clouded with grief.

[PlatyPius 5]

I actually agree completely with Steven....now is not the time.

That isn't really a worry of mine (when she tells him and Jordan). Sian plans to tell him at some point; probably near the end of her visit. It will depend of course on how well he's coping. Sian thinks that he'll do ok, considering he's been taking care of her the whole time and has prepared himself for it. I'm leaving it completely up to her and am not going to say anything either way.

Thanks for all of the comments.

Cian... so sorry to hear of Sian's mom passing... my thoughts and prayers go out to you both... and her family... just love her... be there to listen IF she ever does want to talk... which i know you will do...

love has a way of shining through and showing itself to our loved ones... i bet that someone has an inkling that Sian is in love... so maybe it won't be such a big surprise to all of the family.

Oh well... i'm rambling... just wanted to say that I will be thinking of ya'll...

Lynne

PS: happy belated birthday... sorry that it was clouded with grief.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure that her Dad already knows. Not the who, but surely the where. He knows she's been to America twice, and has talked to her about her moving here. She also mentioned moving to the US to Jordan and he thought it was a great idea. So, I think they're probably all prepared for it when she finally does make the formal announcement.

The funny thing is, I really should have been either in bed or at work when she sent me the text message telling me of her mom's passing. I just really felt like I should stay up, though. I even took the day off of work, which I wouldn't normally do for my birthday. (I work 3rd shift, so me being home at 4am was due to not going to work) I'm just glad I was here to get the text message and to send her a hug in return.

Edited July 20, 2006 by Cian

[TracyTN 237]

I am so sorry to hear this. I know you just want to 'be there' for Sian - which is so hard to know what to do for your loved one in this situation anyway, let alone with the added complication. But try to remember that there isn't much you CAN do, unfortunately, at a time like this except what you already do (love and support her). That is really what she needs the most.

I would be beside myself if something happened to my future mum in law, let alone how it would devestate my fiance.

Please tell Sian that her VJ family is with her.

[dani_christine 0]

i'm so sorry to hear of your loss.

unfortunately, my dad lost his battle with cancer and passed away when we were going through the k-1 process. anthony was such an enormous source of support and comfort for me during that time, even though we were literally oceans apart. it wasn't that he said anything in particular that was comforting...it wasn't as if he had great revelations of knowledge or anything for me. he was just *there*. he called me just to check in...he allowed me to call any time, day or night...and he just listened, a LOT.

and since that time, he has continued to be supportive to me. i still break down in tears about my dad from time to time, and it's been nearly two years since his death. when that happens, the best support from anthony comes not in the form of words of wisdom, but in the form of a big, tight hug.

you can do this...just be there for her...tell her over and over again how much you love her, and that you'll be there whenever she needs you.

[PlatyPius 5]

...tell her over and over again how much you love her, and that you'll be there whenever she needs you.

Aye. I just did. She just sent me another text telling me that her Mum is now dressed in her best clothes and the funeral is at 2pm tomorrow. That's pretty standard for Malta, I guess. I sent back that I loved her and was always here if she needed me. Just wish I was THERE if she needed me. Damn ocean.

[wherezdabearz 0]

So sorry to hear this . Sounds as though you're already doing the right thing just being there emotionally for Sian even if you can't be there in person.

Alison

Edited July 20, 2006 by wherezdabearz

[rebeccajo 14]

I can't imagine what it would feel like to be away from Wes if he were going through something like this. I know you must feel helpless.

It is weird that you were here to get the text. I think it say's something about the connection that you and she share, don't you?

It's lousy that you can't be there for her at this moment. But there's going to be more stuff she passes through as time goes on and you'll be there for that. Like Bethanie illustrated, there will be many ways in the future that you will be able to show Sian that this now-closed door in her life always has an open window in your home and your life. Bethanie has butterflies that fly through hers.

[Donal78 0]

I cant imagine how tough it is for Sian at the moment.Just be there for her where she needs you. When my own mother got cancer last year my wife to be didnt know what to do. I wasnt able to cope.My work was affected.It just destroys you inside. My wife to be just was there when i need to talk as sometimes i bottle things up.After a year of painfull chemotherepy and radiotherepy my mom beat the cancer and she has been free 8 months now.

Dont beat yourself about it, when she wants you just be there for here. Cancer affects people in many different ways. I dont know what else to say because when your hear news like that it brings all the memories of my mom having cancer back.