I think she is now seeing someone else, dont know how to feel.

[Chuckles 0]

I don't think it was someone since you split up. I think it was someone she met while there that moved the "splitting up" right along. I remember my wife and I reading the thread at different times and BOTH thinking..hotel room??huh?....Major red flag...coupled with the usual suspects.."not you its me"...It was REALLY suspicious to both of us...

Hey you seem like a good guy..it's her loss..move on and meet someone who deserves a nice person like you...The future is unwritten...

Best,

Kev

But honestly, that's not going help him to be speculating. He's got to flush her from his system. There will be a time when he can go back and revisit things when he's fully detached and over her, but not now. Right now he should be focusing on himself. I understand that desire to know - we want to know why, but sometimes things just don't follow any logic or reason, and spending any time chasing that demon will lead him to nothing but despair.

I got to agree with Steven's advice 100%. Remove her as much from your life as possible, and when you are ready, decide if you want the friendship. Right now is not a good time. I'm another 'been there done that' guy who found that was the best way to deal with this. Get your emotions and head strait. You need to think about yourself right now, you are not married to her anymore, and you should not keep that attachment. You know she isn't.

[one...two...tree 2,762]

Im kinda headed down that route now, I keep going to email her, then thinking of how to put it without appearing to "into her", but Ive come to the condclusion that Im just not going to. She said she would email me tonight after work. If she does fine, I will read it, but Im not going to reply straight away, if at all. If she has specific questions I will probably answer them, but in my time, maybe next week. If she has no specific question I think I will just not rush to email her. I will wait to see if she eventually emails me, if she does, we will see what and how I am feeling and thinking then. I may be in a better, more separated state to be able to email unemotionaly, as friends, if Im not, I wont reply.

Sorry David for being so opinionated here, but dammit - what she's doing is BS. I'm not sure what her angle is - perhaps she is trying to grapple with any guilt she has or she wants to keep pulling you along on a string because she knows how much you care about her. But dammit dude - you've got to say to yourself, "#### her!" You're obviously a sentimental guy and I can totally relate as something very similar happened to me. You're a nice guy, but you've got to direct that unexpressed anger to give it purpose. She isn't worth your sympathy right now. I know that you are just being the nice and understanding person that you naturally are. But honestly, you're kindness is at the expense of your emotional needs. She let you down. She reneged on her promises. You've got to express that anger and aim it at her by rejecting her emails or any other outreach. You don't have to be cruel, per se, but just tell her you don't want any contact with her anymore - drive home the point that you have closed the door to this relationship and she not only lost a husband but her best friend. By giving it finality, you can begin the true process of getting over this - otherwise you'll be prolonging the grieving process. I'm saying this because I did this in my last serious relationship. Sorry for ranting - just wanted to help you see it from a different perspective. Take care of yourself.

Edited July 21, 2006 by Steven_and_Jinky

[Ban Hammer 13,345]

Sorry David for being so opinionated here, but dammit - what she's doing is BS. I'm not sure what her angle is - perhaps she is trying to grapple with any guilt she has or she wants to keep pulling you along on a string because she knows how much you care about her. But dammit dude - you've got to say to yourself, "#### her!" You're obviously a sentimental guy and I can totally relate as something very similar happened to me. You're a nice guy, but you've got to direct that unexpressed anger to give it purpose. She isn't worth your sympathy right now. I know that you are just being the nice and understanding person that you naturally are. But honestly, you're kindness is at the expense of your emotional needs. She let you down. She reneged on her promises. You've got to express that anger and aim it at her by rejecting her emails or any other outreach. You don't have to be cruel, per se, but just tell her you don't want any contact with her anymore - drive home the point that you have closed the door to this relationship and she not only lost a husband but her best friend. By giving it finality, you can begin the true process of getting over this - otherwise you'll prolonging the grieving process. I'm saying this because I did this in my last serious relationship. Sorry for ranting - just wanted to help you see it from a different perspective. Take care of yourself.

good post 100%

i am just wondering if she's maintaining contact with him to "keep the foot in the door" just in case, you know?

[mychelle 1]

Sorry David for being so opinionated here, but dammit - what she's doing is BS. I'm not sure what her angle is - perhaps she is trying to grapple with any guilt she has or she wants to keep pulling you along on a string because she knows how much you care about her. But dammit dude - you've got to say to yourself, "#### her!" You're obviously a sentimental guy and I can totally relate as something very similar happened to me. You're a nice guy, but you've got to direct that unexpressed anger to give it purpose. She isn't worth your sympathy right now. I know that you are just being the nice and understanding person that you naturally are. But honestly, you're kindness is at the expense of your emotional needs. She let you down. She reneged on her promises. You've got to express that anger and aim it at her by rejecting her emails or any other outreach. You don't have to be cruel, per se, but just tell her you don't want any contact with her anymore - drive home the point that you have closed the door to this relationship and she not only lost a husband but her best friend. By giving it finality, you can begin the true process of getting over this - otherwise you'll prolonging the grieving process. I'm saying this because I did this in my last serious relationship. Sorry for ranting - just wanted to help you see it from a different perspective. Take care of yourself.

in short, stop being such a wimp. she will string you along if you let her. it's fish or cut bait time...for your own sake dude. good luck!

[one...two...tree 2,762]

Sorry David for being so opinionated here, but dammit - what she's doing is BS. I'm not sure what her angle is - perhaps she is trying to grapple with any guilt she has or she wants to keep pulling you along on a string because she knows how much you care about her. But dammit dude - you've got to say to yourself, "#### her!" You're obviously a sentimental guy and I can totally relate as something very similar happened to me. You're a nice guy, but you've got to direct that unexpressed anger to give it purpose. She isn't worth your sympathy right now. I know that you are just being the nice and understanding person that you naturally are. But honestly, you're kindness is at the expense of your emotional needs. She let you down. She reneged on her promises. You've got to express that anger and aim it at her by rejecting her emails or any other outreach. You don't have to be cruel, per se, but just tell her you don't want any contact with her anymore - drive home the point that you have closed the door to this relationship and she not only lost a husband but her best friend. By giving it finality, you can begin the true process of getting over this - otherwise you'll prolonging the grieving process. I'm saying this because I did this in my last serious relationship. Sorry for ranting - just wanted to help you see it from a different perspective. Take care of yourself.

good post 100%

i am just wondering if she's maintaining contact with him to "keep the foot in the door" just in case, you know?

From my past experience, it was her ego - especially if she craves attention. When he mentioned that she's telling him 'ahead of time' that she'll be sending him an email - all kinds of alarms went off in my head. Like dangling some kind of carrot in front of him. Perhaps she's not aware of it - but the simple fact that she's obviously not even trying to empathize what he's going through emotionally says to me it's really all about her - self-absorbtion.

[ceriserose 1]

Sorry David for being so opinionated here, but dammit - what she's doing is BS. I'm not sure what her angle is - perhaps she is trying to grapple with any guilt she has or she wants to keep pulling you along on a string because she knows how much you care about her. But dammit dude - you've got to say to yourself, "#### her!" You're obviously a sentimental guy and I can totally relate as something very similar happened to me. You're a nice guy, but you've got to direct that unexpressed anger to give it purpose. She isn't worth your sympathy right now. I know that you are just being the nice and understanding person that you naturally are. But honestly, you're kindness is at the expense of your emotional needs. She let you down. She reneged on her promises. You've got to express that anger and aim it at her by rejecting her emails or any other outreach. You don't have to be cruel, per se, but just tell her you don't want any contact with her anymore - drive home the point that you have closed the door to this relationship and she not only lost a husband but her best friend. By giving it finality, you can begin the true process of getting over this - otherwise you'll prolonging the grieving process. I'm saying this because I did this in my last serious relationship. Sorry for ranting - just wanted to help you see it from a different perspective. Take care of yourself.

good post 100%

i am just wondering if she's maintaining contact with him to "keep the foot in the door" just in case, you know?

From my past experience, it was her ego - especially if she craves attention. When he mentioned that she's telling him 'ahead of time' that she'll be sending him an email - all kinds of alarms went off in my head. Like dangling some kind of carrot in front of him. Perhaps she's not aware of it - but the simple fact that she's obviously not even trying to empathize what he's going through emotionally says to me it's really all about her - self-absorbtion.

I'll probably get slammed hard for this but

1) you're only hearing half the story and so attributing the level of ego, agenda, etc. to his soon-to-be-ex is pure speculation and I'm not sure why, if he's been advised not to speculate but to move on, that is appropriate here and

2) I reiterate again that "the grieving process" is as unique to each of us as we are unique individuals. There is NO timeframe and NO rules around how a person grieves. I am particularly bothered by the implication that he needs to 'speed this along' so as not to prolong the grief. Completely wrong and inappropriate message.

Some of the techniques for getting past some of these bumps are good. Just don't imply that there's something wrong with not rushing through decision-making and analysis. This is still relatively new to the OP.

Okay flame away.

[Fandango 1,439]

What I'm wondering is whether or not the wife left the email there as a way to let him see it? I mean she knows he has access...even has asked him to 'monitor' things....and what I don't get is why if something was ordered online...why she didn't make sure the email would get deleted...unless she wanted him to see it?

Maybe this was her way of telling him cos she couldn't bear to tell him personally?

[Welshcookie 17]

You simply cannot be friends at this stage while you are still emotional entangled with her.

Good luck

This is true.....you need to put friendship on the back burner for now....I/we are friends with both my ex husband and a previous ex, they are even invited to our wedding.....but friendship quite sometime after the break ups....

it can happen, but don't concentrate on that aspect right now.

Good luck

[dmartmar 1]

There is no such thing as an easy divorce. only really civil ones. I dont care how much of a friend you THINK you are with your soon to be EX- your not. I have maintain civil level with all 26 of my ex husbands. That dont mean I will sit down and have tea with them bassstards! Protect yourself. I also agree with the military support issue. My ex is military my maintaince was maintained.

26 ex-husbands Shon? And Javed is now #27?

[iceyspots 0]

There is no such thing as an easy divorce. only really civil ones. I dont care how much of a friend you THINK you are with your soon to be EX- your not. I have maintain civil level with all 26 of my ex husbands. That dont mean I will sit down and have tea with them bassstards! Protect yourself. I also agree with the military support issue. My ex is military my maintaince was maintained.

26 ex-husbands Shon? And Javed is now #27?

[sarah and hicham 3]

Wow, I thought it was 4 husbands... boy was I off!

[jordanianprincess 0]

There is no such thing as an easy divorce. only really civil ones. I dont care how much of a friend you THINK you are with your soon to be EX- your not. I have maintain civil level with all 26 of my ex husbands. That dont mean I will sit down and have tea with them bassstards! Protect yourself. I also agree with the military support issue. My ex is military my maintaince was maintained.

26 ex husbands huh? So do you have a numbering system or do you just brand them with your name?

[dingding 0]

I'll probably get slammed hard for this but

1) you're only hearing half the story and so attributing the level of ego, agenda, etc. to his soon-to-be-ex is pure speculation and I'm not sure why, if he's been advised not to speculate but to move on, that is appropriate here and

I agree with you there. Although her actions have indeed hurt me, I don't think she is really being any kind of villain. I actually wonder what kind of response she would have got if it were her posting on here, something along the lines of

"I don't know what to do, Im married to a great guy, he is one of my best friends and I do love him but I don't think I am in love with him anymore. Although I don't want to hurt him or lose him from my life entirely I know that If we stayed married for the rest of our lives I would not be happy. I know it is early days yet, but I think if we try and work things out I will just be prolonging the inevitable. Also he has just gone back to his home country and has found a good job and is with his friends and family."

Now I think if it was her that posted that on here she would probably mostly get responses along the lines of "Well if you are not happy and you are 100% certain that you want to end your marriage then you should probably go ahead and do it. I know it will break his heart and cause alot of issues and guilt, but you have to put your wants needs and happiness first"

You know with all other girlfriends in the past, I have had no problems with the "no more contact" - "force yourself to hate her" state of play. But I really cannot hate her, I personally do not think she has really done anything wrong really has she?

What I'm wondering is whether or not the wife left the email there as a way to let him see it?

No she didn't, althought she asked me to monitor things before I came over here and asked me if I could after we split for a while (but said she understood if I didnt want to), I dont check her emails regularly and there was has never been anything untoward to bring up with her, so I personally think that she has forgot that I am checking her emails.

I reiterate again that "the grieving process" is as unique to each of us as we are unique individuals. There is NO timeframe and NO rules around how a person grieves. I am particularly bothered by the implication that he needs to 'speed this along' so as not to prolong the grief. Completely wrong and inappropriate message.

Again I agree. You know when I post things on here alot of it is how I am feeling at the time. I go for days feeling ok about it and positive, then I have days in between when I am angry about it, and then days when I am sad about it but wouldn't want to get back together, and then days when I am sad about it and want her back more than anything in the world and miss her so much (these are usually on sundays and days when I am a little hung over!). Alot of the stuff I post on here are literaly me thinking out loud, posting like a journal and using the forum as an outlet rather than bottling it all up. None of my friends are really interested in talking about it, neither really are my family, so I just kinda vent here.

Anyways I have four days off work now including the weekend, i feel mentally drained. I just need to make a few relaxing plans to keep my mind occupied though!

[Ban Hammer 13,345]

There is no such thing as an easy divorce. only really civil ones. I dont care how much of a friend you THINK you are with your soon to be EX- your not. I have maintain civil level with all 26 of my ex husbands. That dont mean I will sit down and have tea with them bassstards! Protect yourself. I also agree with the military support issue. My ex is military my maintaince was maintained.

26 ex husbands huh? So do you have a numbering system or do you just brand them with your name?

ever heard of sarcasm? shon was using it

[Aussielad 37]

Yeah, unfortunately i could see this happening. It just didnt sound right when she was "going out for a drink" with that guy. That REALLY got me thinking.

And its like....no matter what you do,....if shes going to cheat on you, shes going to cheat on you, and theres nothing you can do to stop it.

Because the second your back is turned, shes going to go straight back to this wanka who she got the $300 shirt for. And the harder thing, is that your in the UK and not in the U.S. and she probably didnt want you to come to the U.S. because

1)- she'd be found out and busted by you and you'd see this other idiot

2)- you'd make her feel uncomfortable

She sounds really unstable emotionally, and any guy that gives her some emotional attention, she goes for it, an attention seeker.

DONT WORRY!,...this new guy will get ditched aswell, give it a few months, maybe a few years, but he'll go down the same way, she herself needs help.

I say....let the beeeyatch sink in her own $h!t!!!!,...she will.

Your better than her....trust me...take a look in the mirror, you've got alot more to offer. i believe in you.