I think she is now seeing someone else, dont know how to feel.

[Hilarious Clinton 452]

Im sure you remember my old post.

Now I dont know for sure. My wife asked me to check our/her bank phone bill and periodically her emails whilst she is in school to make sure nothing is untoward etc. Well I checked her mails last night and there was an order confirmation email for a Pittsburgh Steelers NFL shirt. Now could just be a gift for a friend but at $300 (and a $10 soap dish!) it smacks of the old "extravagant new relationship" gift to me. Its a bit much for a gift for just a friend right?

Now Im glad I slept on it, at first I felt like phoning her up and confronting her, but when I think about it what difference does it really make? We are separated, divorce is going through, why shouldn't she date?

But at the same time I feel a little foolish, i ask myself questions like "how long has this been going on?", and I feel stupid now for putting things in my email like "I will always love you, will always be here for you" and basically talking like im holding out hope for our relationship.

I start questioning other things now, like the stopping in hotels at weekends "just cos she needs to get away from the base".

Again, why should I be bothered? I can date too right? And I may be wrong, I definately feel like this has diminished some of my remaining "in love" feelings though, I definately wont be harping on about how much I love her any more. And as much as I want to stay friends and keep in touch, right now I dont know what to say to her. Will hold off on contacting her for a week or so I think.

Anyways gotta start work will type more on break.

Is she spending your money??

[gimygirl 0]

i did allude to this in your last thread (although i thought it was another female she was interested in vs a male! ) but still the same, i didn't believe her reasons for wanting to be apart.

due to your ex-wife's past, she's seems to 'need' someone to validate her and her emotions.

i think that it's really wise that you are holding back on contacting her. also as other's have suggested ... i would stop checking her accounts, bills, etc. it's sad but if she can't handle her own affairs she will have to learn the consequences of not doing so.

she can't use you as her knight in shining armor anymore because of the long history you have together ... and you shouldn't let her.

[babybunny 2]

I'm of the notion that you cannot be friends with an ex. Who knows, maybe I am wrong, but I think you should worry about yourself instead of her for a bit. Maybe after some time has passed, you can be friendly...but I just don't see the benefit.

Good luck

I usually am too. I have not stayed in contact with any of my Ex-Girlfriends. But although it probably makes sense I find it really hard to with my wife to totally break contact. Whether its because she is my wife or more because we have been close friends for so many, many years.

I guess im just really really disappointed if there is or has been someone else already.

I mean im totally making presumptions that it is for a a guy. But come on would you buy someone who may just be a friend that you have only known a matter of weeks a $300 football jersey. A football jersey is a personal item, it stinks of the "what can I get them really nice and shows i've thought about them" gift, it smacks of the "trying to impress someone" gift. This is the girl who would not buy a dress for herself that she really really liked becuase it was too expensive at $60.

Ive decided Im not going to say anything. If there is and has been something going on with someone but she doesn't feel the need to tell me the truth then again, why would I want to know!!

stop reading into the jersey - could be anything. even if its for her lover - so what!

its over now stop abusing yourself by reading her e mails and receipts. its her life now. move on.

I am supprised she did not change her passwords. she should have. I have been in broken marriage more than enouhg times, I know it takes a lot of healing. sometimes the other party is more anxious to move on

I have been there before too. this is perhaps a prime example. its her life nothing you can do but, get one of your own.

Im sure you remember my old post.

Now I dont know for sure. My wife asked me to check our/her bank phone bill and periodically her emails whilst she is in school to make sure nothing is untoward etc. Well I checked her mails last night and there was an order confirmation email for a Pittsburgh Steelers NFL shirt. Now could just be a gift for a friend but at $300 (and a $10 soap dish!) it smacks of the old "extravagant new relationship" gift to me. Its a bit much for a gift for just a friend right?

Now Im glad I slept on it, at first I felt like phoning her up and confronting her, but when I think about it what difference does it really make? We are separated, divorce is going through, why shouldn't she date?

But at the same time I feel a little foolish, i ask myself questions like "how long has this been going on?", and I feel stupid now for putting things in my email like "I will always love you, will always be here for you" and basically talking like im holding out hope for our relationship.

I start questioning other things now, like the stopping in hotels at weekends "just cos she needs to get away from the base".

Again, why should I be bothered? I can date too right? And I may be wrong, I definately feel like this has diminished some of my remaining "in love" feelings though, I definately wont be harping on about how much I love her any more. And as much as I want to stay friends and keep in touch, right now I dont know what to say to her. Will hold off on contacting her for a week or so I think.

Anyways gotta start work will type more on break.

Is she spending your money??

now if she sis spending YOUR money. you need to reclaim it back if its part of your marital assets.

if its her money, her own pay check nothing you can do.

[Ban Hammer 13,345]

that is an interesting point raised by shon

you need to separate your money from her. if that means changing checking accounts, credit cards, do so. do you have a ssn? if so - get a check done of your credit. when i went thru my divorce i found credit cards i did not have (or i should say didn't know i had as i didn't apply for them - she did). if you have given her a power of attorney, fill out the paperwork to cancel that and mail it to her registered mail return receipt. i recommend these actions as i have seen those going thru a divorce being taken to the cleaners financially by the other spouse.

last but not least - she's in the military, she better be sending YOU money to support you. if you need further info on this pm me with her pay grade and i'll look such up.

Edited July 20, 2006 by charlesandnessa

[babybunny 2]

There is no such thing as an easy divorce. only really civil ones. I dont care how much of a friend you THINK you are with your soon to be EX- your not. I have maintain civil level with all 26 of my ex husbands. That dont mean I will sit down and have tea with them bassstards! Protect yourself. I also agree with the military support issue. My ex is military my maintaince was maintained.

[john_and_marlene 162]

I think you'll feel much better if you drop the idea of being friends and go for everything she has in divorce court. She cheated on you and lied to you...she caused you to uproot your life and move...she has stolen time from you that you cannot get back. Stop being a patsy and make her pay.

[dingding 0]

I think you'll feel much better if you drop the idea of being friends and go for everything she has in divorce court. She cheated on you and lied to you...she caused you to uproot your life and move...she has stolen time from you that you cannot get back. Stop being a patsy and make her pay.

Thanks all again for your further adivce. Now I do truly believe, though I will never know, that there was nothing going on when we were together. If anything I think, if indeed there is anyone, it would be someone she has met since being down there or since we split up. Im 99% certain she would not have gone behind my back with anyone whilst we were together. After all she was begging me not to go the day of my flight and her attitude toward me didn't change til about a month into me being back.

And you know what, I don't really care if she is with someone else, thats not what has hurt my feelings. She could be having a foursome everynight with different guys for all I care to be honest, its the possibility of deceit and, if as it seems there was more to our divorce than "im not ready to be married", its the feeling of foolishness you know.. I know people will say there is no need for me to feel foolish, but I do, not so much because I think I have been fooled or she is making a fool of me, its like I kinda feel foolish for opening my heart and commiting so much and saying and feeling all the things I felt for her.

You know you think you know someone, for me marriage was a big deal, it was an ultimate commitment, I would have stayed with her regardless if she wanted me to be with her. Its hard to comprehend how someone can change their attitude to you so suddenly, how such strong feelings can change. The whole experience has kinda put me off marriage for life, and im actually starting to feel like im losing my faith.

Ive referred to this in the past (the whole understanding why Anakin Skywalker gave in and became Darth Vader after thinking that his love was dead) but I seriously feel I am fighting an almight personal battle to stay a good person rather than just not give a flying £"$" about anything or anyone.

Ive known for a couple of weeks that im not in love with her anymore. Ive made an appointment to get my divorce papers notarised and mailed out on tuesday.

P.S. She is not spending my money, we do have separate accounts etc, she is still getting BAH from the navy whilst we are married but I told her to keep that, im not interested in money right now.

[TracyTN 237]

If anyone in this scenario should feel foolish, believe me, my friend, it is not you.

To take such a leap of faith on love and commitment is a wonderful, sometimes very rare thing. Don't beat yourself up over it too much.

Its very natural to feel leery about future love and marriage right now. I thought the same thing after my divorce, yet here I am again. Give it some time. It is the great equalizer.

[KevandKiki2 0]

I don't think it was someone since you split up. I think it was someone she met while there that moved the "splitting up" right along. I remember my wife and I reading the thread at different times and BOTH thinking..hotel room??huh?....Major red flag...coupled with the usual suspects.."not you its me"...It was REALLY suspicious to both of us...

Hey you seem like a good guy..it's her loss..move on and meet someone who deserves a nice person like you...The future is unwritten...

Best,

Kev

[one...two...tree 2,762]

I don't think it was someone since you split up. I think it was someone she met while there that moved the "splitting up" right along. I remember my wife and I reading the thread at different times and BOTH thinking..hotel room??huh?....Major red flag...coupled with the usual suspects.."not you its me"...It was REALLY suspicious to both of us...

Hey you seem like a good guy..it's her loss..move on and meet someone who deserves a nice person like you...The future is unwritten...

Best,

Kev

But honestly, that's not going help him to be speculating. He's got to flush her from his system. There will be a time when he can go back and revisit things when he's fully detached and over her, but not now. Right now he should be focusing on himself. I understand that desire to know - we want to know why, but sometimes things just don't follow any logic or reason, and spending any time chasing that demon will lead him to nothing but despair.

[ceriserose 1]

I don't think it was someone since you split up. I think it was someone she met while there that moved the "splitting up" right along. I remember my wife and I reading the thread at different times and BOTH thinking..hotel room??huh?....Major red flag...coupled with the usual suspects.."not you its me"...It was REALLY suspicious to both of us...

Hey you seem like a good guy..it's her loss..move on and meet someone who deserves a nice person like you...The future is unwritten...

Best,

Kev

But honestly, that's not going help him to be speculating. He's got to flush her from his system. There will be a time when he can go back and revisit things when he's fully detached and over her, but not now. Right now he should be focusing on himself. I understand that desire to know - we want to know why, but sometimes things just don't follow any logic or reason, and spending any time chasing that demon will lead him to nothing but despair.

While I agree with this on the surface, as someone who has gone through a great deal of loss and grief in her life, I have to put in a codicil to this.

Sometimes it's important to go through the 'why', and to rant and rail and chase that demon. There is nothing wrong with that -- it is a part of the healing process. Spending too much time on it can be detrimental, but this sounds like it's fairly new to him and so it's still (IMHO) at the stage where the questions are part of the overall healing. Grief is a very personal journey and there is no 'right' or 'wrong' timing. If this is when he needs to question, then this is when he needs to do it. (BTW, it doesn't sound to me like he's really driving himself crazy with this...it's new and he's re-hashing his paradigm. Very normal behavior when thrown an unexpected curve.)

Sometimes chasing the demon, at least partway, helps to put somethings into perspective and allows for personal growth. I suspect that he is looking for perspective help here and that's good, to a point. The majority of the grieving the loss of this relationship still has to be done by him and him alone. 'Tis the nature of that particular beast.

To the OP: I wish you the best. It's a difficult time and I hope that you can find your bearings.

[Ban Hammer 13,345]

P.S. She is not spending my money, we do have separate accounts etc, she is still getting BAH from the navy whilst we are married but I told her to keep that, im not interested in money right now.

just keep in mind she is getting that because she is married and it should be given to you

[desert_fox 32]

Hate to way it...but the more that you stay involved with her, the more you are going to be hurt. Friendship doesnt envolve until all the emotional ties are cut. You need to let her take care of her life and you take care of yours.

You need to distance yourself. If there is someone else....then that is her business. I know it hurts...but its the reality of it all.

You simply cannot be friends at this stage while you are still emotional entangled with her.

Good luck

[dingding 0]

Hate to way it...but the more that you stay involved with her, the more you are going to be hurt. Friendship doesnt envolve until all the emotional ties are cut. You need to let her take care of her life and you take care of yours.

You need to distance yourself. If there is someone else....then that is her business. I know it hurts...but its the reality of it all.

You simply cannot be friends at this stage while you are still emotional entangled with her.

Good luck

Im kinda headed down that route now, I keep going to email her, then thinking of how to put it without appearing to "into her", but Ive come to the condclusion that Im just not going to. She said she would email me tonight after work. If she does fine, I will read it, but Im not going to reply straight away, if at all. If she has specific questions I will probably answer them, but in my time, maybe next week. If she has no specific question I think I will just not rush to email her. I will wait to see if she eventually emails me, if she does, we will see what and how I am feeling and thinking then. I may be in a better, more separated state to be able to email unemotionaly, as friends, if Im not, I wont reply.

Anyways I am off for a couple of coldones with my mates, for any Brits out there, its the hottest It officially has been the hottest couple of days ever in England. I need a beer.

I also have to get an Ipod so I can guarantee that I can listen to music that cheers me up. Its times like these when the radio seems to have a grudge on you. Just showering and if anyone knows it, that song by Hall and Oates "Everytime you go away" - (they play it at the end of Planes Trains and Automobiles when John Candy gets invited back to Steve Martin's house for Thanksgiving).. one of my favourite love songs!! Never heard it on the radio!! Then, completely out of season, they played one of my favourite songs, and favourite Christmas song Joni Mitchell's "River". A very sad song anyway but even sadder now. Whilst its me who "wishes they had a river to skate away on". My wife knew how Christmas was my favourite time in the world, and how last year, our first Christmas spent together, I told her that I had my best Christmas ever and looked forward to spendind so many more as a family, I kinda hope she hears that song on Christmas day and spares a thought for me (mean i know).

Its coming on christmas

Theyre cutting down trees

Theyre putting up reindeer

And singing songs of joy and peace

Oh I wish I had a river

I could skate away on

But it dont snow here

It stays pretty green

Im going to make a lot of money

Then Im going to quit this crazy scene

I wish I had a river

I could skate away on

I wish I had a river so long

I would teach my feet to fly

Oh I wish I had a river

I could skate away on

I made my baby cry

He tried hard to help me

You know, he put me at ease

And he loved me so naughty

Made me weak in the knees

Oh I wish I had a river

I could skate away on

Im so hard to handle

Im selfish and Im sad

Now Ive gone and lost the best baby

That I ever had

Oh I wish I had a river

I could skate away on

I wish I had a river so long

I would teach my feet to fly

Oh I wish I had a river

I made my baby say goodbye

Its coming on christmas

Theyre cutting down trees

Theyre putting up reindeer

And singing songs of joy and peace

I wish I had a river

I could skate away on

OK im going for a beer.

[JenT 0]

I don't know what to say, David... you've gotten some great advice already on this thread.... Prepare yourself for the emotions that you will go through during 'the proceedings' and keep yourself focused on a new timeline.... the beginning of the next chapter of your life.

Jen