I think she is now seeing someone else, dont know how to feel.

[dingding 0]

Im sure you remember my old post.

Now I dont know for sure. My wife asked me to check our/her bank phone bill and periodically her emails whilst she is in school to make sure nothing is untoward etc. Well I checked her mails last night and there was an order confirmation email for a Pittsburgh Steelers NFL shirt. Now could just be a gift for a friend but at $300 (and a $10 soap dish!) it smacks of the old "extravagant new relationship" gift to me. Its a bit much for a gift for just a friend right?

Now Im glad I slept on it, at first I felt like phoning her up and confronting her, but when I think about it what difference does it really make? We are separated, divorce is going through, why shouldn't she date?

But at the same time I feel a little foolish, i ask myself questions like "how long has this been going on?", and I feel stupid now for putting things in my email like "I will always love you, will always be here for you" and basically talking like im holding out hope for our relationship.

I start questioning other things now, like the stopping in hotels at weekends "just cos she needs to get away from the base".

Again, why should I be bothered? I can date too right? And I may be wrong, I definately feel like this has diminished some of my remaining "in love" feelings though, I definately wont be harping on about how much I love her any more. And as much as I want to stay friends and keep in touch, right now I dont know what to say to her. Will hold off on contacting her for a week or so I think.

Anyways gotta start work will type more on break.

[one...two...tree 2,762]

Now Im glad I slept on it, at first I felt like phoning her up and confronting her, but when I think about it what difference does it really make? We are separated, divorce is going through, why shouldn't she date?

But at the same time I feel a little foolish, i ask myself questions like "how long has this been going on?", and I feel stupid now for putting things in my email like "I will always love you, will always be here for you" and basically talking like im holding out hope for our relationship.

You need to cut all communication from her - as much as you can, and then when you have to - keep emotions out of it. You have to be 'cruel' to allow yourself to emotionally break from her. Don't be thinking about that football jersey or her anymore - you'll just torture yourself needlessly. I understand because I did that in my last serious relationship - couldn't let go. You have to. I got counseling and the doc said that a break-up is much like the grieving of someone close to you dying. It's a process that will take time and you'll go through bouts of anger, desperation, sadness, loneliness. Buy a journal and write out your thoughts and emotions so that you can let them go. And in your mind, you have to say your final goodbye to that relationship. Help get your mind off it by spending more time with your buddies. Go out and have fun. You've got to learn to live again without her in your life. Hope that helps.

[aussiewench 9]

*BIG HUGS*

I read both your threads from when you first posted. Whilst I never did say so then, I think you are right in your thinking now. What happened, happened for a reason.....its not something that she just decided on for no reason. It smelt like the typical 'its not you, its me'. I know I didnt say anything then as what is the point, you wouldnt of wanted to hear it anyway, I know I didnt when I went through it. Support often goes a lot further and does in its own way help one to come to the right conclusion eventually. I really do feel for you and I have been through similar before as many of us probably have. We just never want to face it at first. You will move on from this and you will find another happiness that will make you wonder what all those past tears and heartache were for. You deserve so much more.

Lorelle

[Fandango 1,439]

I'm really sorry you had to see that but maybe it's for the best.....meaning if this helps you see things differently & think more of you than her.

I'm of the notion that you cannot be friends with an ex. Who knows, maybe I am wrong, but I think you should worry about yourself instead of her for a bit. Maybe after some time has passed, you can be friendly...but I just don't see the benefit.

Good luck

[dingding 0]

Thanks guys as always.

It certainly is a new development, and thats why I felt the urge to start a separate thread.

Im torn about the way I feel about it to be honest. Like I said, part of me wants to confront her, wants to find out "the whole truth and nothing but the truth", then part of me thinks what difference does it make anyway? And do I really want to know?

I dont know, I just dont think I am going to contact her for a week or so until I cool off about it or am not bothered any more, I will leave it for her to contact me if she needs to.

I dont think it is so much that I am bothered that she is seeing someone else, I think it is all the other questions that then go unanswered, and it makes our marriage seem even more devalued.

You know four months ago we were driving along I55, the weather was nice, the scenery was great and the music was awesome. It just felt right, and I felt a feeling of total contentment. Guys make the most of each day, believe me things can change in a heartbeat.

[dingding 0]

I'm of the notion that you cannot be friends with an ex. Who knows, maybe I am wrong, but I think you should worry about yourself instead of her for a bit. Maybe after some time has passed, you can be friendly...but I just don't see the benefit.

Good luck

I usually am too. I have not stayed in contact with any of my Ex-Girlfriends. But although it probably makes sense I find it really hard to with my wife to totally break contact. Whether its because she is my wife or more because we have been close friends for so many, many years.

I guess im just really really disappointed if there is or has been someone else already.

I mean im totally making presumptions that it is for a a guy. But come on would you buy someone who may just be a friend that you have only known a matter of weeks a $300 football jersey. A football jersey is a personal item, it stinks of the "what can I get them really nice and shows i've thought about them" gift, it smacks of the "trying to impress someone" gift. This is the girl who would not buy a dress for herself that she really really liked becuase it was too expensive at $60.

Ive decided Im not going to say anything. If there is and has been something going on with someone but she doesn't feel the need to tell me the truth then again, why would I want to know!!

[Fandango 1,439]

I'm of the notion that you cannot be friends with an ex. Who knows, maybe I am wrong, but I think you should worry about yourself instead of her for a bit. Maybe after some time has passed, you can be friendly...but I just don't see the benefit.

Good luck

I usually am too. I have not stayed in contact with any of my Ex-Girlfriends. But although it probably makes sense I find it really hard to with my wife to totally break contact. Whether its because she is my wife or more because we have been close friends for so many, many years.

I guess im just really really disappointed if there is or has been someone else already.

I mean im totally making presumptions that it is for a a guy. But come on would you buy someone who may just be a friend that you have only known a matter of weeks a $300 football jersey. A football jersey is a personal item, it stinks of the "what can I get them really nice and shows i've thought about them" gift, it smacks of the "trying to impress someone" gift. This is the girl who would not buy a dress for herself that she really really liked becuase it was too expensive at $60.

Ive decided Im not going to say anything. If there is and has been something going on with someone but she doesn't feel the need to tell me the truth then again, why would I want to know!!

See, this is kinda the reason tho....you're so um, what's the word....I don't want to say dependant on her, but kinda. You have lived so long with her in your life, that you need to relearn how to be without her. It's the band-aid thing...do you rip it off slow or quick?

You're going back and forth about this jersey when the bottom line is, it's not the point anymore. The point is YOU and you rebuilding your life. Not helping your wife out by monitoring this that and the other.

I am really sorry for what you are going through...really I am....but sticking around for your wife may do no use other than to waste your time and give your heart false hope. I don't want to sound trite..but look at it this way: if you love something set it free... If it's meant that you and the wife will reconcile, it will happen. But you can't sit here and kinda wish for it, cos there's a YOU in that 'we' of yours.

[TracyTN 237]

The reason that it bothers you is because if it is true, it would be a blatent deception on her part as it contradicts what she has been telling you all along (that she just doesn't want to be married - something much 'nicer' to say to someone instead of 'there's someone else'). I don't blame you for being bothered by it!

If it is true, then at least you'd know for sure that she is truly not the right person for you if she was sneaking around behind your back.

That said, its kind of hard for you to know what to do next. I think you are entitled to the truth, and while what has been said here is true (that you need to focus on rebuilding your life), sometimes its difficult to put the past behind you when you have no clue as to why its suddenly your past. In other words, its ok to need closure.

I realized I just rambled and didn't really offer any advice. But do you get what I mean?

[dingding 0]

See, this is kinda the reason tho....you're so um, what's the word....I don't want to say dependant on her, but kinda. You have lived so long with her in your life, that you need to relearn how to be without her. It's the band-aid thing...do you rip it off slow or quick?

You're going back and forth about this jersey when the bottom line is, it's not the point anymore. The point is YOU and you rebuilding your life. Not helping your wife out by monitoring this that and the other.

I am really sorry for what you are going through...really I am....but sticking around for your wife may do no use other than to waste your time and give your heart false hope. I don't want to sound trite..but look at it this way: if you love something set it free... If it's meant that you and the wife will reconcile, it will happen. But you can't sit here and kinda wish for it, cos there's a YOU in that 'we' of yours.

Oh I know you are right, of course I do. And I get annoyed at myself for this reason. The thing is, since I moved to the states we have been through alot of #######, hurricane katrina, moving house several times, deaths, alsorts and it has always been pretty much just us two on our own together, and we have relied on each other for our happiness. And she, which is one of the reasons she stated for wanting to not be married, has totally relied on me for nearly everything. There is probably no need for it, but I do worry about her, I worry that she is going to be able to cope with the navy, I worry that she is going to be able to cope financially (and so far it looks like she isnt!), and mostly I am worried that someone is basically going to hurt her and or take advantage of her. I know that this isn't my problem anymore, but it is very hard to switch it off completely.

The reason that it bothers you is because if it is true, it would be a blatent deception on her part as it contradicts what she has been telling you all along (that she just doesn't want to be married - something much 'nicer' to say to someone instead of 'there's someone else'). I don't blame you for being bothered by it!

If it is true, then at least you'd know for sure that she is truly not the right person for you if she was sneaking around behind your back.

That said, its kind of hard for you to know what to do next. I think you are entitled to the truth, and while what has been said here is true (that you need to focus on rebuilding your life), sometimes its difficult to put the past behind you when you have no clue as to why its suddenly your past. In other words, its ok to need closure.

I realized I just rambled and didn't really offer any advice. But do you get what I mean?

Nope thats spot on thanks, exactly what Im trying to say/how im feeling. I feel that we can be very close friends, and this is what I want. But if I wasnt aware of the truth It would make it difficult, if I thought the person who means so much to me and who I dedicated so much love and, well, everything to, is now stringing me along. Its like Im trying to confirm that I have an over-rated opionion of her, and that she isnt indeed the person I thought she is/was.

[Ban Hammer 13,345]

i had a suspicion this is what was going on in the previous topic.

in regards to your situation, i've been there and done that. and you're doing the same thing i did - dwell on things. you're wondering - what went wrong - where did it go wrong - is it my fault etc. some might consider it a cleansing of the heart, just don't let such become a habit that eventually consumes you and all of your time as it leads down a dark road.

life will go on. you will meet someone else who is deserving of you and what you have to offer. you will be able to put this behind you with time. eventually it will become just a bittersweet memory.

my experience: i thought my world came crashing down about 4.5 years ago due to a long term g/f that could not define "loyalty and fidelity" if her life depended on it. but now everything has gotten better. there is life afterwards. i've got a better job, i have been able to buy a house, i've found nessa.

sometimes god does things for a reason. all the negative feelings, self criticism, dark thoughts, and emotional pain i went thru 4.5 years ago was worth it to be with nessa.

Steven_and_Jinky listed some very good advice. i strongly recommend that you follow it. you need to keep yourself occupied and get yourself and your future back on track. i know you put many things on hold due to your marriage.

and btw, no, she is not allowed to date. according to the military she is still married.

keep your chin up. you are a good person

[TracyTN 237]

Its like Im trying to confirm that I have an over-rated opionion of her, and that she isnt indeed the person I thought she is/was.

That is EXACTLY what I was trying to say (in a few rambling paragraphs )

I think having that knowledge would help you a LOT in the whole 'moving on with your life' idea. She owes you at least that much by stepping up and being honest about her Steelers 'friend'.

[dani_christine 0]

i would agree with the pp who said that the reason you are feeling so stressed about the jersey is that if what you suspect is true, you have tangible proof that she has been lying to you.

i'm so sorry to hear of your marital problems. my divorce was really one of the most difficult things i've ever experienced. fortunately, i found a great support group, and it helped me quite a bit.

[Anyta Holland 1]

Sorry to hear about this... I know how hard it must be...

As it has been said before, I think you should try and break contact. Don't check bank balances, or mail, or emails, or anything really... I reckon it just makes the breakup more difficult than it already is...

I hope you can get over this soon....

[dani_christine 0]

oh, another small word of advice...

i'm not sure from what i read, but if you are still sharing any finances...it's time to break clean. new bank accounts, new credit cards, new cell phone accounts...

when my ex husband left, it was as if he turned into someone i didn't even recognize. this sweet, christian man i had married had agreed that he would take care of paying the bills from our joint account, until the divorce was settled. well...he EMPTIED our accounts, taking about $4,000 and leaving me a whopping $17...and my first clue that he had not been paying the bills was when my electricity was shut off. he left me with no money, and three months worth of mortgage and utility payments.

please be sure that you are protecting yourself.

[rebeccajo 14]

This is so what I was afraid of.

I don't think you need to beat yourself up for not 'recognizing' this before now. Who does? You weren't stupid or dependent. The little signs are often there but we just don't see them. It's only the rare, naturally suspicious person who catches on the first time something like this happens to them. Unfortunately, for the rest of your life, you will now be familiar with the 'signs'.

I really think it's just because it's a football jersey (traditionally a 'guy' thing) that it sort of smacks you in the face now. Don't feel foolish about any of this - that's not an emotion that will serve you well right now.

You've already gotten some good advice from others here who have been down this road too. I'm going to give you something else to think about. How are you going to handle it when she comes sniffing back around you? I would lay about 90% odds that this will happen. And I'm not telling you this to give you some ray of hope. I'm bringing it up because then you are going to have to decide if this is just a dumb mistake she made and if you can forgive it, or if she's just another spotted leopard.