Yardies, at home and a farrin' (Part 3)

[brownnskinn 0]

36 more days until the interview keep the days flying.

Do you guys have any special traditions you do at Easter. Do you eat bun and cheese for Easter?

We eat bun & cheese and fry fish all weekend long!! My favorite!!!

We are starting with the bun and cheese this year. He'll be so surprised.

[*JG* 2]

I think quite a few generalizations are being aired in this thread.

In MY experience, Jamaican men who have to be treated like children are the EXCEPTION rather than the norm, certainly none of the Jamaican men I have been out with have acted like kids.

I think the problem in some cases may be that if you treat a man like a child, he acts like one. If you treat a man like a man and take if for granted he will act like one, in my experience this has been the case.

Again, I may be too sensitive, but I seem to see a trend to 'classify' Jamaican men, as if they are a 'species', there are good, bad, honest, untrustworthy men in every country.

As for some Jamaican men seeing Americans as being rich because of ipods, Xboxes etc, it all depends what social strata they come from.

If you are dating a gardener, a taxi driver in ANY country I am sure they would have some illusions about how they see someone with all the trappings mentioned.

Again, I lived in Jamaica often not knowing where the next meal would come from.

Here, I live in a modest apartment, have two holidays aborad a year, my son has an Xbox, expensive clothes, and damn right I feel 'rich'.

I am by no means rich by western standards, but I can basically buy anything I fancy within reason and have the luxury of knowing that I can maintain this lifestyle.

I think part of the problem with unrealistic expectations stem from behaviour of visitors to Jamaica. If you are anything like me, I save the whole year to go to Jamaica, I comb through the sales to buy new clothes to wear there, I set myself a generous daily spending limit etc. When people there see how you 'live' for the two weeks or week you are there, they think that's how it is always.

But I think the best thing to do is to prepare your other half for the reality of living here.

That you may cook one night and eat the leftovers the next, etc etc.

though i have not posted for a while i still read this thread everyday..................... but this topic struck a nerve so i had to comment........ as a Jamaican man i totally agree with u "alienuk" u cant classify all Jamaican men as on thing even if a percentage of them have certain personality trates i have lots responsible hard working friends who act like men and not children an on the other i have friends who are the complete opposite. it all boils back down to u really knowing the man u are with or dating, an these men they don't change as soon as they come to the u.s this way they were b4 the personality trates just become more obvious. the bottom line is get to know the person i mean really get to know them b4 u plan to live with them .

Alcohol in our house is a "no-no" too. I used to keep a six pack or a bottle of wine in the frig...for a chilly when I got home from work, or at the end of my day working ..on a Friday..or when I cook I throw in some wine. Now....NO WAY, can't keep any of it in the house because it WILL be gone!! and the temptation is there for "whenever he wants to"....11am on a Sat????

I've been going to Jamaica (all over, but mostly Negril) for 10 yrs now and up to 3 to 4x in a year, mostly staying at the same hotel. I have TONS and TONS of Jamaican men FRIENDS. I've never had an intimate "true" relationship with a Jamaican man until I met Craig. TRUST ME there are TONS of Jamaican men JUST LIKE CRAIG. I saw it each and every day that I was in Negril or Montego Bay or Ocho Rios. They are everywhere, just like here in the states......and I also didn't meet Craig on my 1st or 2nd time to Jamaica........it was my 20th time!! I know more people in the area where I met him than he does, but eeeeeeeeveryone told me that Craig was a TOTALLY nice guy, shy, doesn't drink (like crazy), etc etc BEFORE I even started a relationship with him.

When we took our friendship into a relationship, all we did was TALK......TALKING and TALKING and MORE talking.......I mean we talk about absoLUTELY everything under the sun !!! He was unlike any other Jamaican man (or American man) that I've ever met, we completely connected on a TOTALLY different level. "I" am NOT one to "fall in love" at 1st site and didn't....took me awhile. We never went to "clubs", he's not a club person. I am. We went and had dinners on the beach at small places and TALKED!!! We've too sat on the balcony or porch and TALKED.

We talked everyday, several times a day, for hours.....and "I" THOUGHT we knew each other QUITE WELL !!! Once we decided the next step was for him to come here, I brought pictures of my apartment complex, pictures of my entire inside of my apartment, my cats, my friends, the roads, my office, my part-time job, my sons soccer, my sons school, my sons friends, family, anything and everything that I could to *share* with him and give him some type of idea about how it is here and what to expect and that you HAVE to work hard to make it, etc etc. But as Shauna said, when he talks to friends and/or family....THAT is ALL thrown out the window and you start from scratch!!

SO, when he came here........HE CHANGED !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! All of my friends (here and there) that knew Craig have seen the change and especially me AND my son and it's NOT for the better !!!

I just don't know what to do about Craig. His bags have been packed (for the 4th time) for over a month. Options that I gave him, leave the country OR buck up and MAKE this relationship work. It "works" for a couple of days and then BAM back to the same old A-hole !!!

If he had medical insurance I would have him checked out for a chemical imbalance ....or maybe bi-polar !!! I know it's not me and everyone that knows ME well (and friends that have known me for over 20 yrs) knows that it's NOT me!!! For those that know what I've gone through for the past almost 9 months know that I've given MY ALL and the TONS of patience and whatever else you call it !!! "I" definitely deserve a gold star in heaven !!!!!!

Being bored, yes...makes them do stupid ####### !!! I don't get that either and it's NOT up to me to keep him busy!!! I do NOT treat Craig like a child I treat him as a man ---or one that's supposed to ACT like a man !!! I remind him CONSTANTLY that he HAS to be a positive role model for my son if he's going to be in this relationship and he was WELL AWARE OF THAT BEFORE he came here !!!

Okay I'm done ranting......I don't know........it's frustrating as ALL get out !!!!

Oh, Kelly (from one Kelly to another!), I'm so sorry. I feel for you.

My friend, Niina, who lives in Canada had this same kind of thing happen to her....after 6 years of marriage. She even lived with him in Jamaica for 3 years before they got married and immigrated. She actually kicked him out; but he has chosen not to go back. It's been really hard on her too.

Yes, there comes a time when everyone has to grow up. If he can't, they he can't.

Does he work? When you say boredom, do you mean when he's not working? or is this an all the time thing?

[finesse 3]

I love hearing all the stories of when your man arrives and the adjustments they go through. My man is not here yet, but I am ready(as ready as one can be) for the challeng that it will bring. No one really knows what it is like until it happens, and in no way can I truly prepare myself for what is to come but I feel confident in knowing I am strong enough, smart enough, understanding enough, and patient enough to be able to work through whatever this journey brings our way....and if I'm not, I'll be coming here for advice! Thanks for sharing!

[*JG* 2]

Dee -- That was very well put.

The whole immigration process does take it's toll on the relationship. I don't care where the person is from -- you rip them out of the life they have always known -- put them in a new country with new rules and restrictions....they can't work, they can't contribute to the household -- it pretty much takes their masculinity away -- it takes two strong people to get through that kind of relationship stress.

But, the work situation is only temporary.

It takes a strong person and a very strong supportive spouse to make it through.

Whenever I feel I am losing it, I remind myself it's just temporary. For us, things have a funny way of working themselves out.

[luvtravlin 0]

Whenever I do visit again, I want to go to Negril. Jay liked it a lot..less harassment than in other locations.

Just an FYI..... in Negril there is TONS and TONS of "harrassment"!!! It's gotten sooooo bad (as most parts). Two years ago, we were all out celebrating (basically just hanging out) watching a local band for my friends husbands birthday with ALL of our local friends that we've known over the past 10 yrs. I was leaving the island the next day and they (her and her husband) were still there. She called me and told me that after we had gone back to the hotel (we stayed at different ones this trip), they were robbed at knife point!! It happens alllllll of the time, but you just never read (or hear) about it!!! and this is one story of maaaaany that I know about !

[*JG* 2]

Can't you guys get Jamaican food where you are? We have only one restaurant (that I know of) that cooks any decent Jamaican food. But, we have 2 international grocery stores and our local farmer's market where we buy everything we need. Andre is the cook in our family and cooks Jamaican dishes nearly every single night. We have saltfish, oxtail, goat, fish, mackrel, ackee (thank God that is back in the stores even if it is big $$$$), callaloo, yam, plantain, coconuts, breadfruit, etc. The only real issues we've had are that he doesn't like our pork and beans.

I have to search long and hard to find another black person let alone a Jamaican. No, no Jamaican stores or restaurants in sight. My hubby found some frozen beef patties on one of his business trips that weren't too bad. He still can't get over the packets of Grace "#######" coup. He took them to work to show his friends. They had a good laugh and I even made some chicken soup for them. I really miss ackee and callaloo and breadfruit....and fried fish and festival on hellshire beach. Sigh!

If you lived close enough, I would invite you over. We have festival pretty regularly. I had oxtail and white rice last night. My absolute favorite is the coconut drops he makes.....YUMMMMMMYYYYYY!

Look for international stores in your area. We don't have a Jamaican store, per se, but a store that sells a whole lot of country specific foods. They have the country flags over the individual aisles. We usually buy our 50 lb. bag of rice in the Japan section. (It never ceases to amaze me how much rice we can eat!)

[luvtravlin 0]

Oh, Kelly (from one Kelly to another!), I'm so sorry. I feel for you.

My friend, Niina, who lives in Canada had this same kind of thing happen to her....after 6 years of marriage. She even lived with him in Jamaica for 3 years before they got married and immigrated. She actually kicked him out; but he has chosen not to go back. It's been really hard on her too.

Yes, there comes a time when everyone has to grow up. If he can't, they he can't.

Does he work? When you say boredom, do you mean when he's not working? or is this an all the time thing?

He's not working right at the moment. He works for 3 temp agencies in the area.....and I tell him HE has to be "pro-active" in looking, they will not knock on your door. His last job ended last week and he drives me CRAZY !!!

I truly truly know that it's hard on Craig coming to someplace that he's never been and experiencing everything for the 1st time. We TALK about it ALL of the time. I'm constantly trying to help him in ways to better himself but not tell him what to do. Granted I've had to teach him how to use EVERYTHING ...he's got the laundry and doing dishes down to a science. But for instance, I asked him NICELY last night (AGAIN for the trillionith time ---that's where patience comes into MAJOR play --especially after a reeeeeally long day), that when he comes in can he just try his best to put away his stuff.... like glasses, CD player, shirt laying around the kitchen, cup in another location, lights on, doors open. I'm not a neat freak, but just to have the common areas "straightened up" in case I have a client that's coming over.

Craig USED to be kind, sweet and thoughtful to me. Did really nice things for me in Jamaica.............but..........haven't seen THAT person since he's been here !!!!!!!

Okay, I gotta do some work today

[brownnskinn 0]

Kelly, I feel for you as well. What do you do in your free time? If your like me your very busy. Take some timeout for yourself when you are alone rested and it's peacefull. Listen to your heart. It'll tell you what to do.

[Minfay 0]

We have a little Jamaican restaurant within walking distance that we get his Irish Moss at.....then there is an African store a few miles away....she always has Saltfish, Ackee (when she can get it) and she will have our BUN!! I am so excited. Last year I was doing Atkins and wouldn't even take a little bite. This year will be very different!!

[Texas Bound 0]

Hi...one of the "Lurkers" here.

I am the Jamaican wife and I have been in the the US for 3 months now. A lot of you women are not going to like what I am about to post but like everyone else, I am being honest about my feelings.

I had a job in Jamaica that barely paid all my expenses with a child to support. I worked extra jobs at night (whenever work was available) and depended on neighbours to watch her while I was gone because I could not afford child care. My ex - her father - moved to the US and remarried and made no effort to support her. He wasn't much of a father when we were together either. He had no real sense of responsibility or commitment and thought that he could/should have anything he wanted, whether fancy cars or women.

I made a decision along the way after going through my own struggles and seeing my other girlfriends go through all the issues that some of you are mentioning now - the irresponsibility, the lying, the infidelity, the abuse etc., that I would NEVER ever find myself in a relationship with a worthless, good-for-nothing, no-sense-of-values Jamaican man again. (this is where you can all cuss me now).

I am now here in the US and going through the adjustment period. I am at home most times because I am still waiting for my EAD. Having known what it was like to have to choose between the electricity bill or food for my daughter, I am VERY APPRECIATIVE of the new life that Jay has offered me and would NEVER abuse his generosity. He treats me like the most important thing in his life and I try to make sure he feels the same way. I chose only the simplest of things for our very modest wedding - to cut down on the expenses and I refuse to put him through any unnecessary spending. When I get a job, I will feel at liberty to get any extras that I may want so I must be the rare JAMAICAN who understands that money doesnt grow on trees.

I feel for all those who are going through rough adjustment periods with their partners...just remember that there are a few of us who have a conscience and respect the fact that our partners have to get up and go out in the cold everyday to support us.

My 2 cents!

Mars.

Thank you Mars. Im proud to know you.

[Minfay 0]

I know I've said it before but.......if I didn't have those damn three dogs I think our relationship would be in a much different (bad) place. They kept him company when he was home waiting for something to happen. He loves those dogs. They kept/keep him company when I am at work. He took more pictures of them back to JA than he did of us.

[JaEnglishGirl 34]

Just curious, where did you grow up? I can't remember if you said you're from Jamaica or the Uk? Or the U.S.? You probably already told us but I have a bad memory

Born in the UK, grew up in Jamaica, moved back to London, now shortly moving to the US.....

[brownnskinn 0]

.....peeing in the back yard

:lol: Roy did that too!! I was like -- what the *%#@ What did you do, grow up in the the country? Oh yeah, you did....

[JaEnglishGirl 34]

Can't you guys get Jamaican food where you are? We have only one restaurant (that I know of) that cooks any decent Jamaican food. But, we have 2 international grocery stores and our local farmer's market where we buy everything we need. Andre is the cook in our family and cooks Jamaican dishes nearly every single night. We have saltfish, oxtail, goat, fish, mackrel, ackee (thank God that is back in the stores even if it is big $$$$), callaloo, yam, plantain, coconuts, breadfruit, etc. The only real issues we've had are that he doesn't like our pork and beans.

I have to search long and hard to find another black person let alone a Jamaican. No, no Jamaican stores or restaurants in sight. My hubby found some frozen beef patties on one of his business trips that weren't too bad. He still can't get over the packets of Grace "#######" coup. He took them to work to show his friends. They had a good laugh and I even made some chicken soup for them. I really miss ackee and callaloo and breadfruit....and fried fish and festival on hellshire beach. Sigh!

Try looking on sites like Jamaicans.com for info about Jamaicans in your area and things Jamaican....Where are　you living?

[*JG* 2]

He's not working right at the moment. He works for 3 temp agencies in the area.....and I tell him HE has to be "pro-active" in looking, they will not knock on your door. His last job ended last week and he drives me CRAZY !!!

I truly truly know that it's hard on Craig coming to someplace that he's never been and experiencing everything for the 1st time. We TALK about it ALL of the time. I'm constantly trying to help him in ways to better himself but not tell him what to do. Granted I've had to teach him how to use EVERYTHING ...he's got the laundry and doing dishes down to a science. But for instance, I asked him NICELY last night (AGAIN for the trillionith time ---that's where patience comes into MAJOR play --especially after a reeeeeally long day), that when he comes in can he just try his best to put away his stuff.... like glasses, CD player, shirt laying around the kitchen, cup in another location, lights on, doors open. I'm not a neat freak, but just to have the common areas "straightened up" in case I have a client that's coming over.

Craig USED to be kind, sweet and thoughtful to me. Did really nice things for me in Jamaica.............but..........haven't seen THAT person since he's been here !!!!!!!

Okay, I gotta do some work today

Andre has issues with dumping his stuff wherever and moving on. I used to take issue with it....now, I'm more like, pick your battles. I believe that is more of a MAN issue then anything else.

My best solution came with the laundry. We live in a very small apartment and we put our clean laundry on the extra bed to be folded and put away. If his sits there for more then a few days (all the while I am stewing about it inside), I open his closet door and chuck it all inside. It's only taken a few times of me doing this for him to get the picture and take care of it beforehand.

I'd say he needs a full-time job, Luv. When Andre was job hunting, I told him he had to find full-time with insurance benefits and one he could get to on the bus for the time being. It has solved numerous problems....boredom, money, shifting the focus back to making him think he is supporting us, etc.