Yardies, at home and a farrin' (Part 3)

[Shemmy 4]

Hello!

So...I have a question for all of you. Does your husband go out to night clubs without you? Are you okay with that?

The reason I ask is because Duane was a DJ back in JA. He really misses playing music so he hooked up with a local DJ and he goes out every Thursday to play. I am totally okay with that. On occasion, we go out on Friday or Saturday night also. This weekend, I was asked to work overtime both days and I agreed because we really need the money. I just got home after working all day and Duane says he wants to go out tonight...I am completely wiped out and was hoping we would have a quiet evening in since I need to get up and be back at work at 7:00am.....We went to dinner and a movie last night.......

When I tell him this, he says that he would like to go by himself.....I was like......#######!!! I understand that he wants to get out the house but I feel like he is being kinda selfish considering the fact that I am working so "we" can have food on the table. Am I being wrong to feel this way???? Do married folks really go to clubs by themselves?? If so, why??? I understand that we all need our space but I kinda feel like this is a slap in the face. I work all freaking weekend so he can go out and play....Oh yes...and pay $10.00 cover charge and 15.00 taxi fare......Why can't we have a nice evening in???

Okay.....I am done venting but really...I need you to chime in here...am I being crazy???

Hey Kim!

I don't think you are wrong or crazy feeling that way. My personal opinion...married people do not go to clubs by themselves. That is just asking for trouble even though that person is not really looking for it. A guy's night out to play soccer, poker etc... okay. Clubs, too much happens. Just my opinion.

I am not sure I agree with this one . Kim does not appear that she has a trust issue here and that is something that must be applauded. Look, the man is not going to the clubs to pick up chicks or sow his wild oats. It is a pastime that he enjoys. This is his craft. A chef will enjoy a food show, a fashion designer will enjoy a fashion show. Is it wrong for them to go without thier significant other? So why should it be different for him being a DJ? His craft just happens to be on display at a club. Do not punish him for that. Even if we can put that aside for a moment, so long as there is open communication here about what goes on there and so long as this is not an everynight thing then and you trust your significant other, then let it be. Now a strip club may be a different story.

See, there is a recipe for conflict when we find significant others ,accept them with thier unusual traits and then expect them to understand that we suddenly want them to drop those traits. Kim wants her TLC moment. But she wants her man to be able to do his thing. She is going to have to find a middle ground here. Putting your TLC moment against time with the fellas is not a good move. Helping him appreciate that TLC moment in a non combative manner is not a difficult task. Men do not like to be "disciplined" or to be told what they can and cannot do. Unless it is a trust issue, these are moments that you "educate" your significant other with the delicacy, the sweetness and the knowledge that only you as a woman can. He would one day look forward to those TLC moments. Taking away his BS time with the guys will not help. Some relationships are good, and some are damn good and then some are just great. Kim seems to have one of these. Just work on it. Remember, some battles are won without a single shot being fired. Pick your fights. This is not one of them.

There are some places that are acceptable to go and others not acceptable. So if your wife wanted to go to a club with her girlfriends you would not have a problem? And if the next weekend she wanted to go with her girlfriends again, there would not be a problem?

Sorry I do not agree with you.

Booze, the opposite sex, Jamaican accent.... No way... Again just my opinion.

Why ask for trouble.

I am not advocating letting my significant other go to the clubs every weekend and not be concerned. My concern will more be that we need some time together and we are going to have to compromise on the every weekend scenario. In a non confrontational manner , I would suggest other things we can do together and with time I beleive she will come around.

But I am doing this because of the time I want with her, not because I think that the triple cocktail of "opposit sex, Jamaican accent and booze" will cause her to stray. I am not sure that after the "I Do" is the time for that discussion however. That should have been chapter 1, we are at 10 now. See I am not assuming the responsibility of being someone's parent when I marry them. I should be able to tell by the time I pop the question whether my significant other is a every weekend club girl. My fiance was quite into the clubs a while back. She realized that I was not thrilled about the idea. When she asked me about going, I told her, "You are a grown woman and you have a decision to make. i am not your father telling you what to do. I would prefer you not go and I would not be happy if you did." For the past two years, her only visits to the club were when I went to Jamaica. She was not willing to risk our relationship for a night out at the club. Would I have walked away if she went?NO. But I expressed my feelings about it not out of control, but because club was not my thing. She understood and out of respect she made a decision.

Relationships to me are not about cleaning people up and bringing them in line. I know what I am willing to accept and I convey that to my significant other. She has a decision to make and I will not force it on her. Your man wants to go to the club. If the issue is you do not trust your man, then the club is not your problem, he is. If the issue is that you think that lifestyle disrespects you as a woman, then let that be it and that is what you convey to him. But when you are dealing with issues of this nature, make sure you are dealing with the underlying malaise directly and not mask what may very well be some other deep seated fear that needs to be addressed in another manner.

I totally agree. Everything is about choice and respect. Women flirt with Damien on his job and at the gym almost daily. It's his choice how the handle the situation. Damien worked at a nightclub last year....I had no issues. Without trust...there is no relationship. Temptation is everywhere.

Damien and I enjoy going to clubs together. We usually go to Caribbean clubs because he wants to hear the latest dancehall music and see the latest dance moves. It's his connection to home. We went out last night. Damien ran into three friends from MoBay...they live in NY but was visiting DC for Howard's homecoming. Boy, was he all night.

I don't have to problem with Damien hanging out with his boys every once in awhile. He went out once alone because I wasn't feeling good...he came home an hour later.

Edited October 15, 2006 by sjb1221

[BelwinMills 0]

Thanks to everyone for your wonderful feedback. Trust is not really the concern with me. As Tali said, if Duane wanted to cheat, he does not have to go to a club to do it. In fact, he plays at the club every Thursday and he comes home immediately after the club closes. I always have a little treat waiting for him when he gets home.....

Last night was more about feeling appreciated. He saw that I was unhappy with his decision to go out alone so we sat down and talked about it. I explained to him my feelings and expressed how it would feel if the shoe was on the other foot. (meaning, if he was the only one working and trying to pick up extra hours to help pay the bills...how would he feel if he came home tired and I told him I was going to a club...what kind of support does that display???) When I explained it like that, he understood what I was feeling. He also explained his feelings and indicated that he misses the music atmosphere and he likes hearing and seeing how people respond to different music selections. He feels "trapped" inside the house all day and wants to get out for a few hours. I completely understand that...... since he really does not have a job to go to everyday so it must feel very sufficating to sit in the house......

After talking a bit, we compromised and decided to go out for a couple hours together......(he stayed at the DJ booth most of the time)....We danced a little (slow wind.... ) and he decided it was time to get home...... (yes Trini...I used my female power!!! )

Needless to say...I am exhausted today but he promised that he would cook dinner for me when I got home......This marriage and compromise thing is hard......I still do not understand some things but I guess we will learn and grow together.....

Thanks again!!!

I am glad to see that everything worked out. Comprimse is the best policy.

[brownnskinn 0]

Hello!

So...I have a question for all of you. Does your husband go out to night clubs without you? Are you okay with that?

The reason I ask is because Duane was a DJ back in JA. He really misses playing music so he hooked up with a local DJ and he goes out every Thursday to play. I am totally okay with that. On occasion, we go out on Friday or Saturday night also. This weekend, I was asked to work overtime both days and I agreed because we really need the money. I just got home after working all day and Duane says he wants to go out tonight...I am completely wiped out and was hoping we would have a quiet evening in since I need to get up and be back at work at 7:00am.....We went to dinner and a movie last night.......

When I tell him this, he says that he would like to go by himself.....I was like......#######!!! I understand that he wants to get out the house but I feel like he is being kinda selfish considering the fact that I am working so "we" can have food on the table. Am I being wrong to feel this way???? Do married folks really go to clubs by themselves?? If so, why??? I understand that we all need our space but I kinda feel like this is a slap in the face. I work all freaking weekend so he can go out and play....Oh yes...and pay $10.00 cover charge and 15.00 taxi fare......Why can't we have a nice evening in???

Okay.....I am done venting but really...I need you to chime in here...am I being crazy???

Not crazy babes. Just being human. We work hard men and women and expect our significant other to appreciate it. It's hard sometimes to see them just relaxing when we are burning the oil and bringing home the bacon.

But you have to let him go do what he enjoys. Maybe you can establish a routine of a day in the week that is yours exclusively. That being the day when you get his undivided attention.

There is a certain comradre a man feels hanging with the fellas and it's just one of those things where we talk a whole lot of BS and be our stupid selves. Like you ladies have when you get together with the girl friends and talk in that language that we men cannot understand. As a man, I would prefer not to share that moment with my woman and would not necessarily want her to share my BS moment with the fellas.He loves you and you trust him to go out alone and that is something that a lot of women cannot count on.

That being said, tell him you will have something special waiting if he comes home early from hanging with the guys. Then you will understand the power of a woman. It's one of those gifts you have that we men are powerless against. You are going to have your day. Continue being your loving self and the appeal of the BS moment with the guys will eventually lose it's attractiveness. On one of those tender moments when you have him under your spell, remind him how appreciative you will be if when you work OT , you can come home and get some TLC. And then whenever OT time comes around, just remind him again and let him make his own decision. You have persuasive skills, use them. You will win in the end, trust me.

For now just chalk this up as one of those marital differences that will take some time to work out. Definitely not one worth losing sleep over and not one deserving of a shouting match. Give him his space cause that peace of mind and independent feeling he has now is valuable.

I agree. I would not mind if my hubby wants to go out and party with friends.....Heck I encourage it as much as possible. I have to push him out of the house when he's invited to go out but he often comes back tellin me how lucky he is when he hears these other guys talk about their lives women ect. True They like to BS around ect. Just like when we and our girls hang out talk BS about what ever I think that it's important!!!! Yes that independent, feeling of control that we all need and want in our lives. It comes down to weather not you trust your guy.

Remember, some battles are won without a single shot being fired. Pick your fights. This is not one of them.

I was going to say the same thing

If a man is gonna stray, he is gonna stray.

I was going to say that too

But as you said, our experiences educate us.

True ......sometimes we haven't dealt with the past, so we expect what we have always known to be true. Each relationship is different. You can say, "well all men are dogs, you cannot trust them no further than you can see them...Her man did this, my last boyfriend did that...So what???How is you man treating you now!!! Do you have reasons to be concerned. If not stop blaming him for our past mishaps....Let the past stay in the past, where past relationships are concerned.

[Elizabethnhenry 0]

As for me and the filing process we just got our interview date 11/02 I am so happy

Congratulations!!

Wohoo!! Congratulations on the november interview date!!!

[brownnskinn 0]

I know I am going to get my head blown off for this but what the heck. I have a major issue with this perception we have of men being helpless, no brainers who women cast spell on and they like zombies just fall in line. A man goes to a club, a woman comes on to him. Whether she is naked, fully clothe, pepsi cola shaped or otherwise, he has a decision to make as to what action he must take. So what if a woman has no problem with he being marraid, or engaged or otherwise. He is the one who has to say NO!. Give us some credit that we can in the face of temptation , we can walk away. If you have to keep your eyes on your man because you figure some woman will make him stray, then put him on a leash and give him a chastity belt and swallow the key.

See the almighty in his ultimate wisdom, bestowed on the human race a gift that I am not sure all of God's creatures receive in equl measure. The gift of CHOICE. No woman or man can make a choice for us . I take that back. We should not allow another woman or man to make a choice for us. This thing called trust says to me that if my significant other cannot be trusted to walk away from temptation then my significant other cannot be trusted and my relationship has a "just of matter of time" shelf life. I do not want someone in my life that I feel must be protected from the alluring eyes of my competition. In fact, I want to believe that I DO NOT have competition. I am NOT competing for the affection of my significant other. I did that when we were deciding to become exclusive. When we are exclusive, that is understood that other people are off limits. If that knowledge is still missing, then we need some education and locking you up at home and keeping 24/7 eyes will not do the trick. That is putting a band aid on a gaping wound that needs surgery.

So if the man/ woman needs to be sheilded from the temptations out there, then by all means, do so and pray for an extension on the shelf life. Otherwise let them be and they will do right. If they are gonna stray, they will stray. If I have to worry about what my significant other is doing every damn time they go to a club or otherwise, then I am going to be in perpetual misery. I personally do not have the stomach for that . I will help them pack and go thier merry way.

Head blown off ?????For what I soo Agree with you. No means no. A man understands when a woman tells him no for the most part. It should go the same way for the husbands or the attached men in our lifes. If I have to watch my mans every move...that S#$T is for the birds he can pack his bS%$T and get to steppin. I refuse to compete

I am glad to see that everything worked out. Comprimse is the best policy.

Prevention: I don't believe my fiancee is a cheat. And I know he is fully capable of telling another woman to get lost. But lets face it, the club enviroment isn't exactly "wholesome". And men with the best intentions can be tempted. I think most good men are strong and faithful partners who won't cheat at the slightest provocation. But like water on a rock, a man (or a woman) can be worn down over time given the right set of circumstances. Lots of "club friendships" start off innocent. A man meets a friendly woman - a good dancer or listener. She carries herself well, dosen't flirt with him. He talks to her about how wonderful you are - how much he wishes you were here (but you are working or tired or blah blah). She is a good listener and shares things about her relationships. Everyone feels good and safe. Its harmless. Right up until they cross the line. (Someone got lonley - someone needed advice - the relationship hit a rough patch....)

Great points....

...he came home an hour later.

same with me...I'm like your back already Thats nah mi mon , is all he ends up usually saying.

[EBONY_SEAN 1]

Iwas reading your post about your man going out and i read alot of the responses. but if im not mistaken,

no one hit on the fact that it cost a good bit of money to go to the club. and you guys cant afford it. he

needs to invest in an ipod or download some music from the internet. clubbing can wait till you can afford it

and right now you cant the money he spends on clubs he can put food on the table. now twice a month is

good but not every night. he shouldnt be sitting at home anyway there are alot of job applications to filled

out. i also think he should have took into consideration that you were tired and he should have wanted to

stay home and make you comfortable. i mean he hadnt seen you all day plus the fact that you and he

waited so long to be toh=gether he shouldnt want to be running to no club all the time.

i mean you guys just got married

hope this makes sense.

[Jamaica to CT 0]

My fiance was quite into the clubs a while back. She realized that I was not thrilled about the idea. When she asked me about going, I told her, "You are a grown woman and you have a decision to make. i am not your father telling you what to do. I would prefer you not go and I would not be happy if you did."

I'm not sure why you would say this after reading your other posts; which I agree have plenty of really good points.

I think that going to a bar with the boys and shooting the breeze and going to a club with the boys are two different things. I agree that he should have some "alone" time. Some clubs have rep's; bars too for that matter; for being "pick-up joints" and so I would have to say I wouldn't be comfortable with him going there. If he's going to be on the floor dancing in shall I say close contact with women, to me that is inviting trouble. Depending on the type of club you're going to women can be attracted to the "thug appeal", which I don't get the impression that Duane is; and some will be looking for a potential husband or a "nice guy"and some women don't care less about the man's current marital status. I would feel uncomfortable even if I trusted him. Some men can get "bamboozled" without realizing it. On the other hand I know women who don't care if their husbands go to strip clubs on a regular basis without them.

However if he's going there to work as a DJ; or observe how to break into the business-well that is different. Musicians wifes/girlfriends etc. - I don't think I could do it again:no: . My hat goes out to those who don't have a problem with it.

I don't feel that there's anyone's feelings on a matter are "wrong". It's just how you feel about a situation; more than likely based on past expericences or inexperiences(if I knew then what I know now-kind of thing).

Everyone have a great Sunday. It's too cold here in CT, ugh.

My husband is a musican. He plays in hotels and club atmospheres and its okay with me. If he is going to cheat he is going to do it sometime or another. If he wanted to do that he find away around it and nothing could stop that. You just have to trust and thats what we have. I know last night he was playing at a club place until 4am. I know where he is at and trust him. When I come down he hangs out with me all the time and doesn't go play at the clubs after work. I know we live apart right now and its still a little different. I love going to clubs with my girls and dancing all night. Do I get hit on yes but I always stick by my girls or push the guys away if I am by myself at a club. When your passion is music its hard to say good bye to the club atmosphere which you love. I know I love clubbing.

Kim if you trust him I would let him go if that use to be his job and passion before he left once in awhile. I though would feel more comfortable if he had one friend to accompany him. I know it is hard to let him go and you worked all the time to make extra money and then he is spending it. I think I might be upset to with that too.

All the best with your sistuation. This is a hard one.

Take care and one luv

Yes Jax, I've seen your husband in JA. I think it's a little different performing in the JA hotels because they are not allowed to really "interact" with the guests as you know. Although I know that the hotel workers can and do find their way around that if they want to. My father is a local singer and I once dated a gifted musician-groupies threw themselves all over them. I'm not in any way implying that you should not trust your husband; but I know, as well as you do the allure of musicans/entertainers. The temptations they face are unrelenting.

I used to go out with my girlfriends at a local club with a great house band here too when I was married. The majority of us were married without children at that time. We still get together from time to time but with the kids and other family obligations we just don't do it that often anymore.

I would venture to say that while women will dance with each other on the dance floor; I don't know any straight men who will dance together.

Detour from Jax's post-So as I said before; if you're just doing your job working in the clubs or just sitting at the bar that's one thing. But on the dance floor-having a woman sidle up to you; rubbing up all on you with boobies and booty...well

There was a person that I knew really well. Pillar of the community, family oriented, adored his wife,God fearing, church going sort of person. When I found out that he strayed-I, as Maya A. said "staggered under the weight". It (straying) was so subtle that he honestly didn't know what hit him until it was too late.

I so agree that if your SO is going to stray, he or she is going to stray; no matter where they are at. But everyone who does, starts somewhere... No one should ever feel that it could never happen to them.

Of course we should all trust our SO's; otherwise as was pointed out before, why be with them. And of course most can resist obvious advances and not everyone is so "weak" that they will succumb to advances made to them. I get hit on all the time and I surely don't get involved with these men and never have yet; but I'll never say that it will never happen to me.

For some men/women not being "satisified" at home has nothing to do with cheating. It usually has more to do with lack of appreciation. lack of respect, rebellion against nagging, emasuclation(men of course) etc.

Having said all of that- I'm glad Kim and Duane worked it out with a solution agreeable to both.

Good morning everyone! Happy Sunday morning. LOL @ all the sermons.

I am baking Henry his dinner roast (I don't eat it - its soy something). Henry is washing dishes in his calvin klein boxer chones and I am listening to Jamaica radio online - Sunday morning Power & Glory is the best! I love it. Have a great day everyone!

Soy roast??

Sorry for all the rambling in the above post. I'm a little distracted tonight

Everyone have a good evening.

[Trinilad 0]

So ladies I need your help. Interview is in two weeks and I figure we'd be back here a week after that. You know how people from the tropics do not fully appreciate what winter is like. Well I was trying to explain to my fiance that her Jamaican wardrobe will not fit into a US winter. Me and my big mouth. So I have to do some shopping to at least allow her to survive the first couple days after we return until she goes shopping for herself. My friends at work try to give me the 101 about buying a woman a coat. Right now I just want to get her two. What would you suggest are safe bets. The only woman I shop for is a 7 year old who thinks everything I buy is cute. I can buy my woman underwear and sexy lingere, but I seem to be coming up blank on the coats thing. Damn, I knew I was a bit rusty, but this is like rocket science. I just go with what looks good, but my co workers say that will not do.

My issue with the club at the time had to do with her safety . She lost someone in her family because of violence at a club. I was not thrilled with her going because of that. But it was her decision to make. I expressed my view and allowed her to make her own decision. Hope that clarifies.

[Trinilad 0]

One other question. So I went to dinner with my family last week. We are discussing my fiance moving here and everyone is so excited about it. My sister calls today and says she will bring over some coats and sweaters and boots since she and my fiance wear the same size. My grandmother leaves me a voice mail and say that she has some stuff too. My family are pricey shoppers so I know they will be giving her some good stuff cause they like to show off like that. So I was talking to my fiance about this a couple weeks ago and told her that they might have done this. Her response was that she does not like hand me downs and not a charity case.

It is not that we cannot afford to buy her winter clothes cause I made provisions for this. But I figure why turn away gifts that are given with the best of intentions. I am not one to get into a pissing match over something like this. I just do not want to offend my family, but I have a woman who has intense pride.( Yes, something to work on). I wish someone was this generous to me when I came here years ago with a sweater during a blizzard. Is it a man's thing that we will accept gifts like this, but women have difficulty doing this? Or am I marrying the exception to the rule here?

[brownnskinn 0]

So ladies I need your help. Interview is in two weeks and I figure we'd be back here a week after that. You know how people from the tropics do not fully appreciate what winter is like. Well I was trying to explain to my fiance that her Jamaican wardrobe will not fit into a US winter. Me and my big mouth. So I have to do some shopping to at least allow her to survive the first couple days after we return until she goes shopping for herself. My friends at work try to give me the 101 about buying a woman a coat. Right now I just want to get her two. What would you suggest are safe bets. The only woman I shop for is a 7 year old who thinks everything I buy is cute. I can buy my woman underwear and sexy lingere, but I seem to be coming up blank on the coats thing. Damn, I knew I was a bit rusty, but this is like rocket science. I just go with what looks good, but my co workers say that will not do.

Buy something to keep her warm, when she arrives take her to pick out what she likes.

[Jamaica to CT 0]

Trinilad-How cold is it normally in November where you live? Sweater coats are pretty popular here and can be pretty warm; but as the winter goes on that won't cut it. You can always cut out pictures from flyer's, catalogs etc. and show them to her and get an idea of what she likes. Ask her before hand what color, length, if she want's patterns or solids and then ask your daughter to help you find and cut out pictures based on what your fiance said she likes. In October issue of InStyle (magazine) has a nice section on coats although they are all out of my price range. You might have to make suggestions to her though based on your climate.

**edited because I couldn't get the quotes right

Edited October 16, 2006 by Jamaica to CT

[brownnskinn 0]

One other question. So I went to dinner with my family last week. We are discussing my fiance moving here and everyone is so excited about it. My sister calls today and says she will bring over some coats and sweaters and boots since she and my fiance wear the same size. My grandmother leaves me a voice mail and say that she has some stuff too. My family are pricey shoppers so I know they will be giving her some good stuff cause they like to show off like that. So I was talking to my fiance about this a couple weeks ago and told her that they might have done this. Her response was that she does not like hand me downs and not a charity case.

It is not that we cannot afford to buy her winter clothes cause I made provisions for this. But I figure why turn away gifts that are given with the best of intentions. I am not one to get into a pissing match over something like this. I just do not want to offend my family, but I have a woman who has intense pride.( Yes, something to work on). I wish someone was this generous to me when I came here years ago with a sweater during a blizzard. Is it a man's thing that we will accept gifts like this, but women have difficulty doing this? Or am I marrying the exception to the rule here?

That JA pride. It must be a thing with the ladies. My hubby did not have a problem with the second hand stuff. I'm sorry she see's it as a hand out. She understand this is your family and not strangers offering these items? For fear of offending her soon to be inlaws even if she never wears the items I think she should kindly accept them, then donate them, never know, she might actually like them items once she see what good taste they have

[Jamaica to CT 0]

even if she never wears the items I think she should kindly accept them, then donate them, never know, she might actually like them items once she see what good taste they have

True.

Or am I marrying the exception to the rule here?

No, I know a few people who will not wear or use anything used by someone else. My former husband was one of them.

My issue with the club at the time had to do with her safety . She lost someone in her family because of violence at a club. I was not thrilled with her going because of that. But it was her decision to make. I expressed my view and allowed her to make her own decision. Hope that clarifies.

Thanks for clarifying. Personal safety is most important.

[rhondapayter 0]

Hello!

So...I have a question for all of you. Does your husband go out to night clubs without you? Are you okay with that?

Neither one of us goes out to night clubs without the other. Tony goes up to the local bar once in a while to play pool when he doesn't feel like sitting home alone when I'm at work. I don't really mind him doing this, I'm just jealous that he gets to go out while I'm stuck at work But he's working too, just not as many hours as me. So, NO, I don't expect him to sit home all the time. But I would not be comfortable with him going to clubs without me.

[rhondapayter 0]

Rhonda were are u?? Its late here and I don't see you? It's past my bed time I can't believe it. I am getting old.

I actually had the weekend off for once My 10 yr. reunion is coming up next month. I've been debating about whether or not I want to go. I probably will just because I'm curious what everyone looks like and what they're doing w/ their lives. Don't worry, I'm as old as you are

Men do not like to be "disciplined" or to be told what they can and cannot do.

This is so true I had to learn this the hard way - Tony has told me more than once that I am NOT his mother so quit babying, mothering, telling him what to do...... It makes him feel like a little kid.