Yardies, at home and a farrin' (Part 3)

[tali 0]

NEW TOPIC .......

I told him that this relationship is a TOTAL joke because he does NOT respect me OR my son. That HE is the one f-g up MY LIFE !!!!!!!!!!!! Been doing quite a bit of praying about my own situation. And one thing that keeps coming up is that I have to take responsibility for what I allow to happen to me in my life. I have a friend who says, "we are always at a place of choice". And even if the choices we have are all unpleasant, we always have the power to choose. This has caused me to get a little bit more balance about things. And makes me realize that beyond who does what to whom, I ultimately have to choose what road I will take in this life. And by making a decision to marry, divorce, separate whatever... we are choosing our lives. If he is f'ing up your life - then make a choice to limit the damage.

Please chime in EVERYONE ........... I'm TRYING to keep that "happy face" in front of my son, because if he sees me pissed off at Craig, those that have kids know, they go into PROTECT mommy mode !!!!! [/color

Kids are amazing, intuitive beings. And my experience has been that even if they don't understand what's going on, they know SOMETHING is going on. And my guess is that your son sees your hurt as much as he sees your anger.

The PROTECT MOMMY mode thing is scary - because it means that your son may be seeing, sensing or thinkng and thinking about things that are way too adult for him. You sound like a great mom so I know you are helping him make sense of things. One thing I would suggest (if you haven't already) is to tell him that it is not his responsibility to take care of mommy. Remind him that you are the adult and although you know he loves you, you don't want him worrying about you.

You are in my prayers girl. Just remember - if it looks like a duck, acts like a duck, and quacks like a duck... its probably a duck.

[Jamaica to CT 0]

Today I got an after school job teaching 3rd grade two days a week with the after school program. This will help me get money for all this visa work. I was adding the cost up and just amazed on all the work and cost of it all. Not looking foward to it..

Congrats on the new job Jax.

[Elizabethnhenry 0]

I have not been on VJ in a while and I am trying to catch up as well!!

who ARE you???!!!

just kidding

[BelwinMills 0]

I am off to my reunion so nerve racking. Hmmm I will survive luckly I still have good friends from a decade ago. I am so old !!

Oh and my hubby was getting cooking lesson today yippee now he can be the cheif! My girlfriend in Chicago knows where to go for good old JA ingredients. So I will make sure I stock up so he can cook for me . I have to see this to believe it ..

[Jamaica to CT 0]

Let us know how your reunion went Jax. I'm sure you'll have fun.

[davis1026 0]

forgot me already Thanks

I have not been on VJ in a while and I am trying to catch up as well!!

who ARE you???!!!

just kidding

[kimlbs 0]

Hello!

So...I have a question for all of you. Does your husband go out to night clubs without you? Are you okay with that?

The reason I ask is because Duane was a DJ back in JA. He really misses playing music so he hooked up with a local DJ and he goes out every Thursday to play. I am totally okay with that. On occasion, we go out on Friday or Saturday night also. This weekend, I was asked to work overtime both days and I agreed because we really need the money. I just got home after working all day and Duane says he wants to go out tonight...I am completely wiped out and was hoping we would have a quiet evening in since I need to get up and be back at work at 7:00am.....We went to dinner and a movie last night.......

When I tell him this, he says that he would like to go by himself.....I was like......#######!!! I understand that he wants to get out the house but I feel like he is being kinda selfish considering the fact that I am working so "we" can have food on the table. Am I being wrong to feel this way???? Do married folks really go to clubs by themselves?? If so, why??? I understand that we all need our space but I kinda feel like this is a slap in the face. I work all freaking weekend so he can go out and play....Oh yes...and pay $10.00 cover charge and 15.00 taxi fare......Why can't we have a nice evening in???

Okay.....I am done venting but really...I need you to chime in here...am I being crazy???

[davis1026 0]

Thanks and I am so glad that I posted that link as well! I agree with you on the ETJ being a great site to learn about JA culture, on the other hand it just seems hard to get positive vibes about the hole visa process that I oftentimes get discouraged. Congrats to you and Gregory on your journey! Any help I can get at this point is appreciated. A good pep talk wouldn't hurt either!

ETJ is a great site I recommend it to everyone who is in need of learning the Jamaican culture. I really think it is important to know about your spouse/fiancé culture before and especially after he comes to the U.S.

Trust me, both of my parents were born and raised in Jamaica and we have filed for many of our family members. From what I have seen growing up the adjustment is very difficult and Jamaicans are very proud people. A lot of them will not allow America to change who they are.

My feelings on some of the post I have read is patience, understanding and willingness to learn a new culture yourself.

I do agree VJ is the best site to get information on the filing process. There is no other site that will give you correct information and support: luv: I LOVE THIS SITE

As for me and the filing process we just got our interview date 11/02 I am so happy

I finally get to put my belly/dancehall dancing moves to work....can't wait . Well, at least a few whines

Stone Love will be here next Saturday. My friends and I may go if my hips (back and neck) don't hurt

[color=#FF0000]Please no DUTTY WHINE we wouldnt want you to lose your head [/color]

[BelwinMills 0]

Let us know how your reunion went Jax. I'm sure you'll have fun.

Wow there was hardly anyone there at all only like 35 of us. They sent out only 80 invitations to people and my class was 215 people wow. Oh and I didn't get an invite I just happened to find the site. We freakin need better planners next time. My girlfriend and I were about to leave when we got there it was so boring. Then we started chating with people and were one of the last ones to leave. I can't believe they were showing our old prom video and my hair was black then yuk. It was nice to see everyone and I can't beleive how many of us our teachers and still live in the same town.

I hope everyone had a great Saturday night.

Rhonda were are u?? Its late here and I don't see you? It's past my bed time I can't believe it. I am getting old.

[Jamaica to CT 0]

As for me and the filing process we just got our interview date 11/02 I am so happy

Congratulations!!

[darlene 0]

Hello!

So...I have a question for all of you. Does your husband go out to night clubs without you? Are you okay with that?

The reason I ask is because Duane was a DJ back in JA. He really misses playing music so he hooked up with a local DJ and he goes out every Thursday to play. I am totally okay with that. On occasion, we go out on Friday or Saturday night also. This weekend, I was asked to work overtime both days and I agreed because we really need the money. I just got home after working all day and Duane says he wants to go out tonight...I am completely wiped out and was hoping we would have a quiet evening in since I need to get up and be back at work at 7:00am.....We went to dinner and a movie last night.......

When I tell him this, he says that he would like to go by himself.....I was like......#######!!! I understand that he wants to get out the house but I feel like he is being kinda selfish considering the fact that I am working so "we" can have food on the table. Am I being wrong to feel this way???? Do married folks really go to clubs by themselves?? If so, why??? I understand that we all need our space but I kinda feel like this is a slap in the face. I work all freaking weekend so he can go out and play....Oh yes...and pay $10.00 cover charge and 15.00 taxi fare......Why can't we have a nice evening in???

Okay.....I am done venting but really...I need you to chime in here...am I being crazy???

Hey Kim!

I don't think you are wrong or crazy feeling that way. My personal opinion...married people do not go to clubs by themselves. That is just asking for trouble even though that person is not really looking for it. A guy's night out to play soccer, poker etc... okay. Clubs, too much happens. Just my opinion.

[Trinilad 0]

Hello!

So...I have a question for all of you. Does your husband go out to night clubs without you? Are you okay with that?

The reason I ask is because Duane was a DJ back in JA. He really misses playing music so he hooked up with a local DJ and he goes out every Thursday to play. I am totally okay with that. On occasion, we go out on Friday or Saturday night also. This weekend, I was asked to work overtime both days and I agreed because we really need the money. I just got home after working all day and Duane says he wants to go out tonight...I am completely wiped out and was hoping we would have a quiet evening in since I need to get up and be back at work at 7:00am.....We went to dinner and a movie last night.......

When I tell him this, he says that he would like to go by himself.....I was like......#######!!! I understand that he wants to get out the house but I feel like he is being kinda selfish considering the fact that I am working so "we" can have food on the table. Am I being wrong to feel this way???? Do married folks really go to clubs by themselves?? If so, why??? I understand that we all need our space but I kinda feel like this is a slap in the face. I work all freaking weekend so he can go out and play....Oh yes...and pay $10.00 cover charge and 15.00 taxi fare......Why can't we have a nice evening in???

Okay.....I am done venting but really...I need you to chime in here...am I being crazy???

Not crazy babes. Just being human. We work hard men and women and expect our significant other to appreciate it. It's hard sometimes to see them just relaxing when we are burning the oil and bringing home the bacon.

But you have to let him go do what he enjoys. Maybe you can establish a routine of a day in the week that is yours exclusively. That being the day when you get his undivided attention.

There is a certain comradre a man feels hanging with the fellas and it's just one of those things where we talk a whole lot of BS and be our stupid selves. Like you ladies have when you get together with the girl friends and talk in that language that we men cannot understand. As a man, I would prefer not to share that moment with my woman and would not necessarily want her to share my BS moment with the fellas.He loves you and you trust him to go out alone and that is something that a lot of women cannot count on.

That being said, tell him you will have something special waiting if he comes home early from hanging with the guys. Then you will understand the power of a woman. It's one of those gifts you have that we men are powerless against. You are going to have your day. Continue being your loving self and the appeal of the BS moment with the guys will eventually lose it's attractiveness. On one of those tender moments when you have him under your spell, remind him how appreciative you will be if when you work OT , you can come home and get some TLC. And then whenever OT time comes around, just remind him again and let him make his own decision. You have persuasive skills, use them. You will win in the end, trust me.

For now just chalk this up as one of those marital differences that will take some time to work out. Definitely not one worth losing sleep over and not one deserving of a shouting match. Give him his space cause that peace of mind and independent feeling he has now is valuable.

[Trinilad 0]

Hello!

So...I have a question for all of you. Does your husband go out to night clubs without you? Are you okay with that?

The reason I ask is because Duane was a DJ back in JA. He really misses playing music so he hooked up with a local DJ and he goes out every Thursday to play. I am totally okay with that. On occasion, we go out on Friday or Saturday night also. This weekend, I was asked to work overtime both days and I agreed because we really need the money. I just got home after working all day and Duane says he wants to go out tonight...I am completely wiped out and was hoping we would have a quiet evening in since I need to get up and be back at work at 7:00am.....We went to dinner and a movie last night.......

When I tell him this, he says that he would like to go by himself.....I was like......#######!!! I understand that he wants to get out the house but I feel like he is being kinda selfish considering the fact that I am working so "we" can have food on the table. Am I being wrong to feel this way???? Do married folks really go to clubs by themselves?? If so, why??? I understand that we all need our space but I kinda feel like this is a slap in the face. I work all freaking weekend so he can go out and play....Oh yes...and pay $10.00 cover charge and 15.00 taxi fare......Why can't we have a nice evening in???

Okay.....I am done venting but really...I need you to chime in here...am I being crazy???

Hey Kim!

I don't think you are wrong or crazy feeling that way. My personal opinion...married people do not go to clubs by themselves. That is just asking for trouble even though that person is not really looking for it. A guy's night out to play soccer, poker etc... okay. Clubs, too much happens. Just my opinion.

I am not sure I agree with this one . Kim does not appear that she has a trust issue here and that is something that must be applauded. Look, the man is not going to the clubs to pick up chicks or sow his wild oats. It is a pastime that he enjoys. This is his craft. A chef will enjoy a food show, a fashion designer will enjoy a fashion show. Is it wrong for them to go without thier significant other? So why should it be different for him being a DJ? His craft just happens to be on display at a club. Do not punish him for that. Even if we can put that aside for a moment, so long as there is open communication here about what goes on there and so long as this is not an everynight thing then and you trust your significant other, then let it be. Now a strip club may be a different story.

See, there is a recipe for conflict when we find significant others ,accept them with thier unusual traits and then expect them to understand that we suddenly want them to drop those traits. Kim wants her TLC moment. But she wants her man to be able to do his thing. She is going to have to find a middle ground here. Putting your TLC moment against time with the fellas is not a good move. Helping him appreciate that TLC moment in a non combative manner is not a difficult task. Men do not like to be "disciplined" or to be told what they can and cannot do. Unless it is a trust issue, these are moments that you "educate" your significant other with the delicacy, the sweetness and the knowledge that only you as a woman can. He would one day look forward to those TLC moments. Taking away his BS time with the guys will not help. Some relationships are good, and some are damn good and then some are just great. Kim seems to have one of these. Just work on it. Remember, some battles are won without a single shot being fired. Pick your fights. This is not one of them.

[Jamaica to CT 0]

I think that going to a bar with the boys and shooting the breeze and going to a club with the boys are two different things. I agree that he should have some "alone" time. Some clubs have rep's; bars too for that matter; for being "pick-up joints" and so I would have to say I wouldn't be comfortable with him going there. If he's going to be on the floor dancing in shall I say close contact with women, to me that is inviting trouble. Depending on the type of club you're going to women can be attracted to the "thug appeal", which I don't get the impression that Duane is; and some will be looking for a potential husband or a "nice guy"and some women don't care less about the man's current marital status. I would feel uncomfortable even if I trusted him. Some men can get "bamboozled" without realizing it. On the other hand I know women who don't care if their husbands go to strip clubs on a regular basis without them.

However if he's going there to work as a DJ; or observe how to break into the business-well that is different. Musicians wifes/girlfriends etc. - I don't think I could do it again:no: . My hat goes out to those who don't have a problem with it.

I don't feel that there's anyone's feelings on a matter are "wrong". It's just how you feel about a situation; more than likely based on past expericences or inexperiences(if I knew then what I know now-kind of thing).

Everyone have a great Sunday. It's too cold here in CT, ugh.

[Trinilad 0]

I think that going to a bar with the boys and shooting the breeze and going to a club with the boys are two different things. I agree that he should have some "alone" time. Some clubs have rep's; bars too for that matter; for being "pick-up joints" and so I would have to say I wouldn't be comfortable with him going there. If he's going to be on the floor dancing in shall I say close contact with women, to me that is inviting trouble. Depending on the type of club you're going to women can be attracted to the "thug appeal", which I don't get the impression that Duane is; and some will be looking for a potential husband or a "nice guy"and some women don't care less about the man's current marital status. I would feel uncomfortable even if I trusted him. Some men can get "bamboozled" without realizing it. On the other hand I know women who don't care if their husbands go to strip clubs on a regular basis without them.

However if he's going there to work as a DJ; or observe how to break into the business-well that is different. Musicians wifes/girlfriends etc. - I don't think I could do it again:no: . My hat goes out to those who don't have a problem with it.

I don't feel that there's anyone's feelings on a matter are "wrong". It's just how you feel about a situation; more than likely based on past expericences or inexperiences(if I knew then what I know now-kind of thing).

Everyone have a great Sunday. It's too cold here in CT, ugh.

If a man is gonna stray, he is gonna stray.

But as you said, our experiences educate us. I guess my perception of trust may be different from some.

No wrong answer.