Yardies, at home and a farrin' (Part 3)

[nannygirl82 0]

hello ladies and men....i will be heading up to New Jersey today...i will bo gone for a week without a computer so i hope you all have a great week!!

[Jamaica to CT 0]

hello ladies and men....i will be heading up to New Jersey today...i will bo gone for a week without a computer so i hope you all have a great week!!

Have a good trip Shauna.

[darlene 0]

Hi!

Hope everyone is enjoying this beautiful day. At least in the east. Finishing up the yard and waxing my car today to get ready for winter. Yuck!

[kimlbs 0]

Good morning yardies family!!

My sister is finally out of the woods and they are talking about releasing her from the hospital......Duane has truly been a very supportive shoulder to lean on during this time......he really amazes me......

Shauna....I am sorry that you are going through this but please knwo that she is in a better place now and you will see her again!! She is shining down on you now and you have an angel in heaven watching over you!!!

It has been very interesting reading all of the recent posts.........I think Trinlidad summed things up extremely well......When I stayed in Jamaica for a month last February, I kinda experienced what Duane feels like. I felt out of my "comfort zone" and had to rely on him for everything......this was very hard and I got homesick fast........I try to keep that in mind when Duane starts going through his anger/frusteration. We talked a lot before he arrived about the culture shock, the expectations of our relationship (including financial) and making sure we had a 50/50 understanding. All of the things Trinlidad mentioned about feeling "less than a man" having the women pay for everything and buy everything is really hard on a man. No matter how many times we talked about it before he arrived, he still tells me that it is NOTHING like he expected. Even yesterday during dinner, we were talking and he said that ALL Jamaicans have a different view of "Foreign" and they need to experience it before they judge. He said....."it is hard to live in Foreign"......"Everyting is sooo expensive and you have to work hard to make any money...."

Respect is very important and the understanding that the relationship needs to be equal is also very important........No relationship is perfect....every relationship has ups and downs!!!! The main point is making sure that you can "work" together to resolve those differences. If someone is not willing to "work" and common respect is missing than the relationship is not going to work no matter how much love you have........ Trust me......I have been through it with previous relationships in the past......

I do feel guilty sometimes because I know that our relationship sounds to good to be true...but we have our little problems too......I am the messy person in our house...Duane fusses at me all the time. He does our laundry and cleans up after me.........But...I try to re-pay him by treating him like a "king" of the castle..... I make him tea and breakfast every morning, cook dinner most evenings.................we try to make things 50/50. He sells his art and gives me all of the money.........sometimes I need to tell him to keep some of the money for himself and he tells me...."no baby.....we have bills to pay!!"

I get pissed at his table manners and his childish ways sometimes but....... I can not be bothered with arguing about it because the good definitely out ways the bad and my life would be lost without him......I do feel very lucky to have him. He is kind and caring and very gentle. If things were different, I would not hestitate to send him back.......I have experienced crappy relationships...my sons father was a big assssss and he treated me very bad......I put up with his s**hit way too long.......I hope you all find the answers you need and everything works out for you........

[Elizabethnhenry 0]

I havent posted in a few days, and still need to catch up. I did want to congratulate Eliz and Henry on getting the green card! Yayyyy!

Ok, I have a question for all of you, hopefully someone might know the answer. Why are you supposed to "blanch" veggies before freezing???

Lake has a BUNCH of Guyanese spinach (bagi?) we need to pick and freeze this week. He has never heard of "blanching" them. I dont know much about freezing anything, so all I know is that you are supposed to do it. He says his aunt in New York freezes a bunch of it and doesnt boil it first. Heck if I know. He also says she freezes tomatoes after slicing them, without cooking first. Any old timers out there know?

Jill

Hey girl,

My aunt down south has A LOT of bhaji in the the backyard. She also has string beans, tomatoes, peaches, boulanger/baigan (eggplant) and some pigeon peas (gungo peas for you yardies). She freezes EVERYTHING. I will call her tonight and ask her.

I looove bhaji!! Mmmm It tastes better than US spinach.

Edited October 8, 2006 by Elizabethnhenry

[Jamaica to CT 0]

Good morning yardies family!!

My sister is finally out of the woods and they are talking about releasing her from the hospital......Duane has truly been a very supportive shoulder to lean on during this time......he really amazes me......

Shauna....I am sorry that you are going through this but please knwo that she is in a better place now and you will see her again!! She is shining down on you now and you have an angel in heaven watching over you!!!

It has been very interesting reading all of the recent posts.........I think Trinlidad summed things up extremely well......When I stayed in Jamaica for a month last February, I kinda experienced what Duane feels like. I felt out of my "comfort zone" and had to rely on him for everything......this was very hard and I got homesick fast........I try to keep that in mind when Duane starts going through his anger/frusteration. We talked a lot before he arrived about the culture shock, the expectations of our relationship (including financial) and making sure we had a 50/50 understanding. All of the things Trinlidad mentioned about feeling "less than a man" having the women pay for everything and buy everything is really hard on a man. No matter how many times we talked about it before he arrived, he still tells me that it is NOTHING like he expected. Even yesterday during dinner, we were talking and he said that ALL Jamaicans have a different view of "Foreign" and they need to experience it before they judge. He said....."it is hard to live in Foreign"......"Everyting is sooo expensive and you have to work hard to make any money...."

Respect is very important and the understanding that the relationship needs to be equal is also very important........No relationship is perfect....every relationship has ups and downs!!!! The main point is making sure that you can "work" together to resolve those differences. If someone is not willing to "work" and common respect is missing than the relationship is not going to work no matter how much love you have........ Trust me......I have been through it with previous relationships in the past......

I do feel guilty sometimes because I know that our relationship sounds to good to be true...but we have our little problems too......I am the messy person in our house...Duane fusses at me all the time. He does our laundry and cleans up after me.........But...I try to re-pay him by treating him like a "king" of the castle..... I make him tea and breakfast every morning, cook dinner most evenings.................we try to make things 50/50. He sells his art and gives me all of the money.........sometimes I need to tell him to keep some of the money for himself and he tells me...."no baby.....we have bills to pay!!"

I get pissed at his table manners and his childish ways sometimes but....... I can not be bothered with arguing about it because the good definitely out ways the bad and my life would be lost without him......I do feel very lucky to have him. He is kind and caring and very gentle. If things were different, I would not hestitate to send him back.......I have experienced crappy relationships...my sons father was a big assssss and he treated me very bad......I put up with his s**hit way too long.......I hope you all find the answers you need and everything works out for you........

I'm glad to hear your sister is doing well.

Kim, please ask Duane if he can do Dunn's River Falls on a T-shirt. My friend and I made it to the top . Out of our group of 20 only 8 of us made it to the top. The others that made it was a family from Chicago with 3 adults and 3 children.

My bed is finally up!!

I moved to a smaller place and the clearance for the stairs made it "impossible" for the mover's to get my massive frame and headboard up the stairs. It did take 5 guys to do it but it's finally done now I'm up off of the floor. Now I feel like a queen again .

I havent posted in a few days, and still need to catch up. I did want to congratulate Eliz and Henry on getting the green card! Yayyyy!

Ok, I have a question for all of you, hopefully someone might know the answer. Why are you supposed to "blanch" veggies before freezing???

Lake has a BUNCH of Guyanese spinach (bagi?) we need to pick and freeze this week. He has never heard of "blanching" them. I dont know much about freezing anything, so all I know is that you are supposed to do it. He says his aunt in New York freezes a bunch of it and doesnt boil it first. Heck if I know. He also says she freezes tomatoes after slicing them, without cooking first. Any old timers out there know?

Jill

Hey girl,

My aunt down south has A LOT of bhaji in the the backyard. She also has string beans, tomatoes, peaches, boulanger/baigan (eggplant) and some pigeon peas (gungo peas for you yardies). She freezes EVERYTHING. I will call her tonight and ask her.

I looove bhaji!! Mmmm It tastes better than US spinach.

Jill and Elizabeth-even though my dream job is to be a plant waterer , I know nothing about gardening. Last week I was talking to Tristan and he mentioned a "garden egg". I had no idea what he was talking about until I figured out it was an eggplant.

[wynterstail 0]

Trini--

Thank you for all you said. I straddle the line between the two worlds (here and there) and sometimes I'm not sure if I'm misunderstanding. You made so many, many good points. You really calmed my heart.

Ann

You are correct that no one should be ill treated or should any man/ woman feel they have the right to act out because they are adjusting. I am not saying it is right how these men are behaving, I am just saying that it has less to do with some mean spirit on thier part to thier American fiance and more to do with them feeling lost in a foreign country.

As you said, some people are not cut out for this and no one should feel that they have to take the BS just because they brought thier fiance here. Everyone has to make a judgement call. Rome was not built in a day and some men take longer to adjust than others. You just have to know your limits and when you get to that point, you have to do what is in your best interest.

I guess we just have to have realistic expectations as to how soon the good days will come . This is not like meeting a man, falling in love and getting marraid. These men are leaving a normal life behind. No matter how bad it may be, it is the life that they know. I had a friend who went through this a year ago. Things took some time to work out. She actually admitted it would have been easier if her fiance came with actual employable skills. She got him enrolled in College so that he could actually find a job. Today, you will never know they had a challenging start. Sometimes a lot of Caribbean men do not understand the skill requirements for successful living in the US. Getting a college degree is not a priority there as it is here and maybe you can survive there without it. Being here without a marketable skill is a challenge for a lot of these men. Those people who I knew in my similar situation 10 years ago in most cases were not skilled and that made it hard for them to make a living here. These are some of the things fiance's have to be prepared to address when they are moving here.

I have a fiance arriving here in about a month. I have to make sure that she acquires the skills to be sucessful. She is an elementary teacher in jamaica. Here that does not say sqaut without a degree and we have had to put things in place to address that. Now sure I wish she could come here and walk in a class room and teach. But I have done the homework and I know her teaching options are limited. As a couple we have to come together and deal with that.

They got along great. Took some time, but I could not imagine marrying a woman who had difficulty with my daughter. i was honest with her about that and she understood my concerns there. The time spent was the best thing ever happened. My daughter cried when she came back here after the summer vacation. Had it gone different would I have made a different choice. I think we both would have made that choice cause it was hers to make also.

How did your daughter and fiance make out without you? I do think it's a good idea for those with children to spend some one on one time together. I think it will probably work out with the younger ones but the older kids I'm sure have their own agenda

OK--here's one I used to get from my husband...

"Why yuh was' money on dis Kotex ting? Jus wash out yuh likkle cloths"

Nuff said.

Oh no he didn't go there Oh my gosh

MIGAWD!!

[Shemmy 4]

Good morning yardies family!!

My sister is finally out of the woods and they are talking about releasing her from the hospital......Duane has truly been a very supportive shoulder to lean on during this time......he really amazes me......

Shauna....I am sorry that you are going through this but please knwo that she is in a better place now and you will see her again!! She is shining down on you now and you have an angel in heaven watching over you!!!

It has been very interesting reading all of the recent posts.........I think Trinlidad summed things up extremely well......When I stayed in Jamaica for a month last February, I kinda experienced what Duane feels like. I felt out of my "comfort zone" and had to rely on him for everything......this was very hard and I got homesick fast........I try to keep that in mind when Duane starts going through his anger/frusteration. We talked a lot before he arrived about the culture shock, the expectations of our relationship (including financial) and making sure we had a 50/50 understanding. All of the things Trinlidad mentioned about feeling "less than a man" having the women pay for everything and buy everything is really hard on a man. No matter how many times we talked about it before he arrived, he still tells me that it is NOTHING like he expected. Even yesterday during dinner, we were talking and he said that ALL Jamaicans have a different view of "Foreign" and they need to experience it before they judge. He said....."it is hard to live in Foreign"......"Everyting is sooo expensive and you have to work hard to make any money...."

Respect is very important and the understanding that the relationship needs to be equal is also very important........No relationship is perfect....every relationship has ups and downs!!!! The main point is making sure that you can "work" together to resolve those differences. If someone is not willing to "work" and common respect is missing than the relationship is not going to work no matter how much love you have........ Trust me......I have been through it with previous relationships in the past......

I do feel guilty sometimes because I know that our relationship sounds to good to be true...but we have our little problems too......I am the messy person in our house...Duane fusses at me all the time. He does our laundry and cleans up after me.........But...I try to re-pay him by treating him like a "king" of the castle..... I make him tea and breakfast every morning, cook dinner most evenings.................we try to make things 50/50. He sells his art and gives me all of the money.........sometimes I need to tell him to keep some of the money for himself and he tells me...."no baby.....we have bills to pay!!"

I get pissed at his table manners and his childish ways sometimes but....... I can not be bothered with arguing about it because the good definitely out ways the bad and my life would be lost without him......I do feel very lucky to have him. He is kind and caring and very gentle. If things were different, I would not hestitate to send him back.......I have experienced crappy relationships...my sons father was a big assssss and he treated me very bad......I put up with his s**hit way too long.......I hope you all find the answers you need and everything works out for you........

Kim - Happy to hear your sister is doing better

[BelwinMills 0]

Kim- glad to hear you sister is doing better

Shauna - enjoy your trip

I truly beleive in a plan too. Thanks for sharing Trinlad! We have a plan in place for him to get GED and take Junior college courses at the same time so he can be on the soccer team. He also will have music lessons and hopefull this will help in making friends. I just organized my closet and threw out clothes and bought him 2 dressers which he helped me out in picking one. I am starting to buy clothes for the different season and when it gets closer I am making dates for him with friends he knows up here from the first couple months. I am also trying to see if my Aunt can get him a job at the college part time. He meet her at our wedding in JA. The best thing is my family is really tight and if we don't go to bears games we always have Sunday dinner. My parents seemed to love my hubby a lot and so did my aunts and uncles. I am just glad I also have an understanding family. We are one of those like u said in the carribean if u dont have a job for awhile we will still provide u with a meal and a rough over your head. Also with the money thing we know we split my pay even with whatever is left for our own items. We have been planning for the past 8 years and I hope being so slow at the process will help him feel more like home. I love the thing about having pictures up and everything. I let him pick out the color for our bedroom and we came up for the paint choice for the spare bedroom together already and I have sent him pictures of the condo so I am hoping this will help at all.

I understand about the whole teaching thing since I am a teacher in the states and applied for a job in JA and they were all over me with even a bacholers at the time highly quailfied. I know from my friends who teach who are all graduates of Sam Sharpe teachers College (hehe Michele) (Yes I have taught there and done seminars). My friends have checked out teaching options here in the states and they need to complete 2 more years of college and would have to take the state test to get their teaching degree and licenses. I hope she is still able to teach some like tutor on the side to make some money. All the best. Thanks for all the info Trinlad again!

Glad to hear I was not crazy for putting those pictures up. On my last two trips to Jamaica, I brought back my fiance's stuff. Some clothes, pocket books and tons of shoes. My father was concerned when he came to my house recently and saw them in the new closets I built. I guess he thought I was cross dressing. (he he). But I want when she walks in here in a couple weeks, she would feel like she lived here. Moving from Blue and Black living room furniture to off white has been a challenge for me and the yellow color paint in the bedroom that replaced the sky blue has taken a toll on me. But I feel I have asked this woman to do a lot. She gave up her apartment, sold all her furniture, pretty much quit her job and tool two months of vaccination shots so we can be together.

We got the same advice about the teaching. We had her transcript evaluated and we applied to the colleges in the area with teaching programs. We have selected the one that is going to give her the most transfer credits. The issue is the out of state tuition rate we are working around. That applies here in the first year. I work at a college that does not offer an education degree so we decided that since it will be free for her, she will take her general education requirement courses there and transfer them to the 4 year college after 1 semester since we were able to convince them to give us in state in 6 months. The state of MD will allow her to take a teaching assistant position so that will be a good start. Juggling work with school may be a challenge for her so we decided that the first semester here will be school and no work if she wants to. Sounds like I am crazy I know? But it is the only plan that will work cause getting that degree for her is top priority right now.

This thing takes planning and I feel like I have another job with the check list etc.

Yeah you are totaly not crazy at all. LOL I changed my bedroom to sky blue for him.... and my next stage is curtians since all houses in the carribean have curtians in them. I hope my hubby can start school right away when he gets here maybe I should check this spring coming up if he can thanks for giving me a heads up Trinlad

[rhondapayter 0]

No he is not violent at all.

The floors being ruined is actually a funny story - he put Dawn in the dishwasher... nuff said.

My dad did that once when he was upnorth deer hunting. He had NEVER run the dishwasher before even though my parents have had one for decades Him and my cousin just figured soap is soap - it must clean ok. Needless to say the floor got a good washing along with the dishes

Damien basically ruined the kitchen when he came because he didn't want to ask for help while I was at work. He broke knives (being too heavy handed), flood the kitchen (putting too much soap in the dishwasher), burned out pots (not used to cooking on electric stove), burned all of tuperware tops (he used them as plates in the mircowave), burned out a George Foreman grill (forgot to unplug it) and now the mircowave is broken - I wonder why

Wow, I guess I got lucky in that area - Tony hasn't done much damage to the house at all. Not that I've discovered anyway

My sister is finally out of the woods and they are talking about releasing her from the hospital......Duane has truly been a very supportive shoulder to lean on during this time......he really amazes me......

That's wonderful So, did they ever have to go back in and do more surgery? I'm glad she's ok now.

I know nothing about gardening. Last week I was talking to Tristan and he mentioned a "garden egg". I had no idea what he was talking about until I figured out it was an eggplant.

at "garden egg"! I had the most difficult time figuring out that what Tony refers to as a "pear" in JA, we call it an avacado here I'm like how do you make gaucamole out of pear? Every day is a learning experience!

[Ms Squitto 0]

I have had doubts many, many times.....all during the process. I still do. BUT -- I would not change a thing. Life is too short to not go for it. I have always said, the worst thing that could EVER come out of this relationship is if he kills me. Other than that -- I'll just deal with what comes my way.

I'm not thinking that this relationship is that much different from any that I have had with American men...they are all dogs too! For me, it's all about give and take and picking the right fights to fight. Sometimes it's really frustrating.....other times it's so rewarding and wonderful.

No relationship is easy.....I never expected this one to be either.

Tali, what's the real problem?

I totally agree.

Tali - none of our relationships are perfect. The cultural and adjustments is too much for some people to handle. Two wonderful women I met on this visa journey are now legally seperated and another friend who husband fled soon as he received his green card. A few others who are just putting up with s**t cuz they don't want admit to a mistake. Things can be bad. But like Dee said - people do not change over night. Most of the signs were there but they chose to ignore them.

I've been nothing but honest about my marriage. Some days I still wonder what the hell did I get myself into. Without my support team...I would have been committed a long time ago. That's why I am willing to talk to newbies and share my experience....most of the time they don't want to hear it because there mates are perfect and would never hurt them. Some people don't like to hear negative things...for me I wanted to hear the good, bad, in and out of every detail. And I talked to more than one person about their experience a happy couple and not so happy couple.

As far as your daughter is concerned...mine is 14 (just discovering boys) so I know exactly how you feel about not letting her down. Just continue to pray.....

Everything takes time, prayer and lots of patience. Good luck on your visa journey. And please remember, we are here for you...not to judge you.

I hope everyone enjoys the weekend. A 3 day weekend for me but I may do some OT. Take care.

I think we all have a very similar experience. Tali, I'm sure you feel that everyone only has wonderful things to say about their husband/fiance because most of the time people only discuss the good and keep the bad to themselves. In our unique situation, we're probably more likely to discuss only the good aspects of our relationships for fear of embarrassment, ridicule or the infamous, "I told you so" . I'm sure most, if not all of us, have heard the "he's only marrying you for a GC" or the "Do you know what you're getting yourself into?" lecture from family and friends.

No relationship is perfect. Mine certainly isn't! Every relationship has its ups and downs. I've had my doubts...several times. I've questioned myself, whether or not I made a good decision. We've had moments where I was sure I've made the biggest mistake of my life. But we've also had great times. We've had fights that upon resolution has brought us even closer together. I'm at a point now where I've accepted the decision that I've made. We've had arguements that have resulted in my husband saying he's going back to JA. It seemed so real. At that point I realized that I don't want him to leave and I have fully committed myself to making our relationship work. It's an uphill battle, but we're fighting it together.

In marriage, you have to learn how to bend a little. Don't sweat the small stuff and definitely choose your battles. Not everything needs to turn into WWIII. Some things you need to learn to overlook. That being said, marriage is a two way street and it will not work if only one person is making the effort. You both need to put in 1000%. Love, tolerance, patience and prayer. Those of the four elements that will make marriages work!

I finally booked my ticket.... I'm leaving on the 26th. I am soooooooo nervous!!!

Congrats!!

[Ms Squitto 0]

Oh boy, OH BOY. You all know that I have to chime in on today's posts. I know some of you may be shaking your heads and saying oh no here she goes again .

Before I put my 2 cents in I want to ask Kim how her sister is doing and let Shauna know she's in my thoughts today as I know that she not only lost her beloved grandmother but also was deeply saddened by the sad and senseless deaths of the Amish girls.

Nowww....

To answer Ms. Squitto's question:

I'm an Investor Accountant at a mortgage lending firm. I HATE IT. It is too stressful. My dream job is to be the person who goes from company to company watering plants I don't have a green thumb but I think it will be be a stressful job. If I was independently wealthy or able to make ends meet without my current salary I would definently take a job less stressful even if it's not as prestigious sounding as what I do now. I always wanted to be a travel agent when I grew up because it seemed like you could travel all over the world; but I now know that it's not really as glamorous as it seems and I intensely dislike selling. I've always done the safe thing and stayed in my field but I would love to do something where I could make a difference in people's lives. Advocacy would be the field I would go into if I wasn't too poor and pressed for time to go back to school.

Am I the only one who doesn't think that it's a woman's "duty" to put up with any ole BS that some of these men dish out. Yes, I understand that it will take time and understanding for ALL to adjust and yes you have to choose your battles and not sweat the small stuff. The stress of being put into a totally different culture and away from family friends and familarity can cause anyone to get depressed, stressed and cause them to regress. However that doesn't mean that they should treat their women any old way and take out their frustrations on them and make life miserable for them. I don't go into any relationship thinking it's going to be easy; but I do expect to be treated respectfully and fairly. I've been in this relationship nearly 3 years and many, many times nearly ended it because of the cultural differences. I totally agree that if you have not lived 'the culture' that it will be extremely difficult at times and again I agree with Ann where she says it depends on what kind of economic and geographical area or situation they grew up in. Even though I truly love Tristan I may never get married because he knows 'I'm not having it' and he know's that I mean it. I don't think that women should allow themselves to be treated badly for the sake of having a man or putting up with anything beacause of fear of what others may say. I don't believe in coddling grown men. As I said before I may not be married and I may never get married again but one thing I will say is that I did it my way.

Next topic:

ANNA

How very exciting

Good morning family.

Michele. That's kinda what I was trying to say. Some women I met during this journey put up with some crazy mess...they feel bad because the men left JA. Well you can't use the cultural and adjustment excuses forever. I don't baby grown men either....I can't do so much for him. Damien knows my tolerance level and I know his as well. We have a much better understanding of each other now.

Hey Rhonda, hey Shemonya

Good morning.

Good morning. Enjoy your Saturday.

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU you guys.....

I was (still am) very very frustrated !!!!! I went to my sons school yesterday to meet with the Vice P, the guidance counselor (that my son flippin thinks is HOT), the teacher he "disrespected" and then the Principal came in. It was a GREAT talk and my son feels ALOT better. Hearing from these other women that ARE married that ALL couples HAVE arguments and disagreements, helped my son realize "we" weren't the only ones. The guidance counselor is going to be a HUGE help with this transition!!! Then he showed me his interim report --it's before the actual report card comes out next month.(while we were ready to start the meeting) and it was actually pretty good. My son told everyone that "I" ride him, his coach rides him and then he wants it to be ONLY me and him. The guidance c say that we ALL want what is best for you Austin and when mommy or coach "rides" you, it's not that they are picking on you. I KNOW your mommy loves you, she's the only one that's been there for you. Then she asked ...do you want mommy to be happy ? and he said yes and she said that you know that mommy DESERVES to be happy and that when mommies are happy everyone is happy? and it made him think for a minute .....shoot like "I" haven't said that before!!!

I was really concerned because my son said last Monday, that he was going to die because he's so depressed and that maybe HE should kill himself !! I never told Craig....but I told him yesterday (after the meeting and we were alone running errands). I THINK that Craig is starting to realize (well, I HOPE so) that this is NOT just all about HIM !!!! Then we ran into the guidance c at Target and I introduced Craig .....he thinks she's cute too....dear lord !! but anyway, we had a really good night last night.

The soccer tournament was canceled this weekend THANK THE LORD ...and now we get to have "quality time" ...the 3 of us.

Dee, my sons father has never been in the picture, it's me and only me. My parents have NEVER supported me, they never ever babysit --don't offer, my dad MAY take my son out and go things with him once OR twice a year and they only live 6 miles from us !!! The last serious relationship I was in was almost 6 years ago and Austin really doesn't remember much of that (plus the guy wasn't around like Craig). I'm still ONLY friends with this guy, we all (me, Craig, the guy, and several others) hung out when Craig 1st got here.

Craig changed sooooooooooooooooooooooo much after his 3rd week here. He can be VERY selfish AND immature!! His mother wasn't in the picture growing up and his grandmother raised him. His mother came back into the picture about 4 yrs ago and he treats me like "I" am his mother.....and "I" do NOT take that...trust me. Craig doesn't take that "I" AM an independent woman and I have been on my own since I was 19. I'm street smart and I don't take #######, especially off of him and HE pushes it, using phrases like.......you're the woman that's why, I'm not doing that because that's YOUR job!!! So, dishes sit in the sink literally for 5 days or trash is piled up overflowing until one of the BOYS does it !!!! We had a GREAT system at first, he would do the dishes I would put them away, I would do the laundry and he would fold them.

I told Craig yesterday (in the car..........best talks are in the car, cause they can't RUN)........I said Craig, we ALL need to support each other doesn't matter HOW bad it gets !!! You can't keep running AND threatening you're going to leave. You HAVE to stick it out and work everything out.

I do pick and chose my battles, but when he has been working (since July 25th) and doesn't bother helping ON his own ...it's very veeeeeeeery frustrating. Doesn't "understand" WHY !!!! says HE doesn't have the money to help!! WHO KNOWS when we'll file the paperwork for AOS, because I told him "I" am NOT paying for it. I will put about $200 towards it and HE has to do the rest................THAT's when our battles start !!!!!!!!!!

When he was in Jamaica I only helped him on 2 occassions with money and he brings that up ALOT ....you never helped me, you let ME struggle, blah blah blah.....sometimes he now gets the jist of how "I" struggle, being a single parent and doing it ALL on my own!!!

Mindy, yes I truly do LOVE Craig, but I would be TOTALLY fine if he were to go. Our bad times far outweigh our good times !!!! I won't let him disrespect me over and over again and it's every other day !! I know that he loves me, truly loves me, but I can't STAND the fact that he lies to me. When he does he NEVER gets away with it, cause I always find out.

The other "issue" in our relationship has been what Craig calls a "friend". He continues to say that she's "a friend". She lives in Mississippi, she's an American black woman that he says (now) they met in Jamaica (before me). He's NEVER mentioned her before, she started calling on Sept 4th (he arrived here on June 22nd). His cousin lives in New York, came here on a K3....and is TOTALLY MISERABLE. His cousin has been a HUGE part of our problems because he's been feeding Craig's head with HIS horrible marriage. I mean this chic is MEAN!!!! I've spoken with him several times....but the cousin is friends with this other girls friend.....

This "B" has called our house several times at 12:45 AM, 1:43 AM and 7:30 AM and NEVER leaves a message !!!!!!!!!!! I called her 2 weekends ago and left her a message for her to call me, she goes and text messages Craigs phone 3 min later (which I had in my hand----he wasn't here). So I called her back (from the cell), she didn't answer, so I left another message for her to call me back on OUR home phone ....I was VERY nice about it!!! SHE NEVER EVER CALLED BACK. Friend............yeah, right !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I keep telling Craig she wants what I have and she's NOT going to get it !!!! and I'm not going to give her the satisfaction that it PISSES me off to no end. Craig doesn't know the actual times she's called because I've erased the number off caller ID and keep my phone ringer OFF!!! This week I just signed up for CALL Intercept and now she can NEVER call here and I blocked his cousins number for now !!!!!!!!!!! Craig knows HOW I feel about his whole BS....says he won't call her, but then on Thurs-this week she called him on the cell !!!!!!!!!!! He "says" that he told her they can't talk and to stop calling........I do NOT believe him. I asked him yesterday how many times did she call you today (yesterday) and he was like, I didn't talk to her......and I said, okay....can I check the phone? He was surprised that I asked......no calls.

If it's not one thing it's another. I've been to Jamaica a TRILLION times and "I" know the culture very very well. I have a ton of Jamaican friends and I've stayed at their houses (no running water, etc etc). That's not "our" issues at all. Craig has had his bags packed 3x. I just said to him last week.........are you going to unpack anytime soon????

Thanks for letting me vent AND your support !!! I appreciate you all "listening".

Have a great weekend everyone!

Kelly, I'm so sorry that you're going through this. That "friend" needs to get a clue and realize that Craig is a married man. But Craig also needs to be the one to tell her to stop calling. Make him tell her with you standing right there!!

I have been reading the messages on this site and I guess I have not heard any comments from any of the men who may be on here and bringing fiance's to the US. Wonder if there are any besides myself.

Anyway, I have the unique position of having come here as the fiance 12 years ago, surviving that experience and now actually bringing a fiance from Jamaica. I originally came from Trinidad, but I guess that as caribbean men all the same our experiences are similar.

Two things I can tell you from my experience coming here as a fiance.

Firstly, I felt less of a man when I came here and could not find a job and had to depend on a woman to take care of me until I found myself. I guess I too adopted that apparently hostile attitude that was more of a defensive thing than it was me just being mean. I knew that my wife at the time expected me to be bringing the bacon home and everytime she looked at me or did anything for me like brought clothes or food or anything, it made me feel like I was a disappointment. So before she had the time to even say so, I got on the offensive so that I would never have to hear it.

Secondly, I realized that we did not really have a realistic plan for what happens after we got the fiance visa. You know the saying visit me and leave with me are two different things. When my American fiance visited me in Trinidad. everything was fine, I felt appreciated, wanted, and the visits were majical. That majic ended when I landed at JFK. This was not a vacation anymore. I felt it the moment I arrived at her home. It wa her furniture, her bed, her food, her everything and I felt like so much a visitor there and never felt like anything was mine.

I say this not to excuse the behavior of the men you all are talking about. And it is not so much of a cultural thing. It is the inability to take care of ourselves that makes us respond with less than an appreciative attitude.

Now that I am the US citizen and preparing for the fiance, I know how she would feel when she arrives here in Baltimore. Over the past couple months I have spent countless hours making this home something welcoming for her. If you walk into my home now, I would have to convince you she does not live here. From the pictures on the walls, to the clothes in the closet and the shoes in the bedroom, to the subtle changes I have had to make to my home so that she feels it is hers. We picked out the new furniture down to the bedspread and the curtains together.

The most I can say to the ladies who are having a challenging time is that if you believe that man loves you and you want him in your life, then be patient. Tell him honestly how you feel, do not spend one minute thinking that you are offending him by telling him he is hurting you. Let him get pissed but you have a right to feel appreciated and he must understand that. But tell him also that you understand how difficult this is for him, how challenging this must be and that you are there for him 110% and would be there for better or for worse.

You cannot begin to imagine the psychological turmoil these men are going through. I used to almost resent my then wife for bringing me here. I was unprepared for this life . America is a hustle. Everyman for themselves and God for us all. You can loaf around in the Caribbean and not work for months and still get a meal and a roof over your head cause that is what family will do for you. That laid back attitude has to end at JFK or whaereever they come in. That is a discussion that a lot of couples do not have early enough. Not saying that you did not. But being open about how much you can afford to support and what your expectations are financially will go a long way with making sure everyone understands that this is not a vacation. Took me a while after I came here to realize that it was not a vacation. Caribbean people or foreigners in general see Americans as prosperous and do not understand until they get here that that good life comes at a cost. The streets are not paved with gold and sometimes it takes a while for them to understand that.

My fiance and I are getting marraid 4 days after she arrives in Baltimore. It may seem rational maybe to say wait and see how things work out before I do. But I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that this is the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with so her move here is not a trial thing. She has traits that pisses me off and drives me crazy and she knows what they are because I tell her and I have come to the realization that despite those traits, I still do love her. But I could not imagine my life without her. I am a single parent raising a 7 year old who is very territorial. To make that situation work I made my daughter spend Christmas and the whole Summer in jamaica with my fiance.

I am not saying that I have the ideal, and I know I am going to have challenging moments when she arrives. But love has kept us together for 5 years in two countries and love will keep us together over anything that comes our way. I know that most of you who are having trouble felt that way at some time. Look at that man next to you and if you feel that he is not the best thing for you, Call Air Jamaic NOW. But if you still feels that the fire is there, find a way to work through the differences. Being in a foreign country is hard. For you as an American , everything here is normal. For them, everything here is foreign and they feel out of place and a man will do anything to protect his pride and feel like a man. It is as if coming here has stripped them of everything that makes them a man or makes them feel like some body. Until they find themselves they are going to act like asses and drive you crazy. If you expect it to be any different, you are going to be disappointed.

I tell you, I know how they feel and it is going to get worse before it gets better. You just have to know how much you are willing to take while you wait for the better day. People may say otherwise, but I beleive Caribbean men are men whose values are grounded and who make great lovers as they do friends. When your man finds himself, you will have a gem you can be proud of. Either help him find it here, or send him home so he can reconnect with himself once again. After all, this is someone you love once, and still do, and would always want the best for them. Some foreign men cannot survive the pace of American life and you should know by now if your man will. This country is not for everyone!

I have said too much.

Thank you for your insight. You have not said too much. It's great to see the "other" side of the story. We need to read and understand what our men are feeling so that it can help us to better deal with the situation. Congratulations on your upcoming marriage!

[BelwinMills 0]

Hi everyone!

Yippie Bears win yesterday 40-7 against Buffalo Bills. The only New York team since the rest of New York teams are in New Jersey hmmm.

Bears haven't lost yet this is truly amazing.

Is everyone enjoying their Columbus Day weekend?? WEE WEE for me... I wish every week was a four day work week.

Take it easy...

[brownnskinn 0]

Am I the only one who doesn't think that it's a woman's "duty" to put up with any ole BS that some of these men dish out. Yes, I understand that it will take time and understanding for ALL to adjust and yes you have to choose your battles and not sweat the small stuff. The stress of being put into a totally different culture and away from family friends and familarity can cause anyone to get depressed, stressed and cause them to regress. However that doesn't mean that they should treat their women any old way and take out their frustrations on them and make life miserable for them. I don't go into any relationship thinking it's going to be easy; but I do expect to be treated respectfully and fairly. I've been in this relationship nearly 3 years and many, many times nearly ended it because of the cultural differences. I totally agree that if you have not lived 'the culture' that it will be extremely difficult at times and again I agree with Ann where she says it depends on what kind of economic and geographical area or situation they grew up in. Even though I truly love Tristan I may never get married because he knows 'I'm not having it' and he know's that I mean it. I don't think that women should allow themselves to be treated badly for the sake of having a man or putting up with anything beacause of fear of what others may say. I don't believe in coddling grown men. As I said before I may not be married and I may never get married again but one thing I will say is that I did it my way.

I think that when someone us say don't sweat the small stuff....pick and choose you battles..It doesn't mean allow yourself or your children to be disrespected or live your life in misery with hopes that someday it will get better. I am grateful to be one of the fortunate ones who happen to have a relationship that is working. When he gives his 50%, It makes me want to put in more than my fare share. There is no my way in a marriage. It's all about compromise. It goes both ways. He washes the clothes( finally ) I fold them and put them a way. He cooks, I clean the dishes. Most of the time He'll do both. Most of time I feel like our relationship is too good to be true, so good that it's hard to fuss about "little things". I do believe that not relationship is perfect. But I think we come damn near close. I am blessed. I get so fustraited with some females even males who expect your relationship to be bad. Those who all ears as long as you are putting your man down. None wants to hear about it when it's good, or they respond with, yeah but wait til the s#$% hit the fan. I'd be perfect too if I could get a green card. It makes me feel good to tell that I am blessed when it comes our relationship, not to give up, God has a person out there for you. Most of the time I cannot even share, cause most assume the worst. I have had my share of airing my dirty laundry. But now that it's good, I get tired of defending my relationship and just keep my blessing to myself.

at "garden egg"! I had the most difficult time figuring out that what Tony refers to as a "pear" in JA, we call it an avacado here I'm like how do you make gaucamole out of pear? Every day is a learning experience!

We've been there.

[kimlbs 0]

Some things you need to learn to overlook. That being said, marriage is a two way street and it will not work if only one person is making the effort. You both need to put in 1000%. Love, tolerance, patience and prayer. Those of the four elements that will make marriages work!

Well said Squito.........