Yardies, at home and a farrin' (Part 3)

[Jamaica to CT 0]

You are correct that no one should be ill treated or should any man/ woman feel they have the right to act out because they are adjusting. I am not saying it is right how these men are behaving, I am just saying that it has less to do with some mean spirit on thier part to thier American fiance and more to do with them feeling lost in a foreign country.

As you said, some people are not cut out for this and no one should feel that they have to take the BS just because they brought thier fiance here. Everyone has to make a judgement call. Rome was not built in a day and some men take longer to adjust than others. You just have to know your limits and when you get to that point, you have to do what is in your best interest.

I guess we just have to have realistic expectations as to how soon the good days will come . This is not like meeting a man, falling in love and getting marraid. These men are leaving a normal life behind. No matter how bad it may be, it is the life that they know. I had a friend who went through this a year ago. Things took some time to work out. She actually admitted it would have been easier if her fiance came with actual employable skills. She got him enrolled in College so that he could actually find a job. Today, you will never know they had a challenging start. Sometimes a lot of Caribbean men do not understand the skill requirements for successful living in the US. Getting a college degree is not a priority there as it is here and maybe you can survive there without it. Being here without a marketable skill is a challenge for a lot of these men. Those people who I knew in my similar situation 10 years ago in most cases were not skilled and that made it hard for them to make a living here. These are some of the things fiance's have to be prepared to address when they are moving here.

I have a fiance arriving here in about a month. I have to make sure that she acquires the skills to be sucessful. She is an elementary teacher in jamaica. Here that does not say sqaut without a degree and we have had to put things in place to address that. Now sure I wish she could come here and walk in a class room and teach. But I have done the homework and I know her teaching options are limited. As a couple we have to come together and deal with that.

They got along great. Took some time, but I could not imagine marrying a woman who had difficulty with my daughter. i was honest with her about that and she understood my concerns there. The time spent was the best thing ever happened. My daughter cried when she came back here after the summer vacation. Had it gone different would I have made a different choice. I think we both would have made that choice cause it was hers to make also.

Excellent points. I'll definitely keep this in mind for the future. I know that I would have to work on making my man feel at home in "my house". I think that you had a good idea about including your fiance in your home decorating. And you are so right about aquiring workable skills/education so that the adjustment will be easier.

I'm sure your fiance will probably get a good job here since teachers are in high demand in a lot of areas. My first exposure to Jamaican culture actually came here in my hometown where they had an exchange program at the local university for Sam Sharp's (sp?) teacher's college from JA. They were told that their credentials and degrees could be utilitzed here in the US but they do have a master's degree. I befriended one of the student's in the master's program who in turn invited me to JA. The rest is history.

Goodnight all. Have a great Sunday!

[BelwinMills 0]

You are correct that no one should be ill treated or should any man/ woman feel they have the right to act out because they are adjusting. I am not saying it is right how these men are behaving, I am just saying that it has less to do with some mean spirit on thier part to thier American fiance and more to do with them feeling lost in a foreign country.

As you said, some people are not cut out for this and no one should feel that they have to take the BS just because they brought thier fiance here. Everyone has to make a judgement call. Rome was not built in a day and some men take longer to adjust than others. You just have to know your limits and when you get to that point, you have to do what is in your best interest.

I guess we just have to have realistic expectations as to how soon the good days will come . This is not like meeting a man, falling in love and getting marraid. These men are leaving a normal life behind. No matter how bad it may be, it is the life that they know. I had a friend who went through this a year ago. Things took some time to work out. She actually admitted it would have been easier if her fiance came with actual employable skills. She got him enrolled in College so that he could actually find a job. Today, you will never know they had a challenging start. Sometimes a lot of Caribbean men do not understand the skill requirements for successful living in the US. Getting a college degree is not a priority there as it is here and maybe you can survive there without it. Being here without a marketable skill is a challenge for a lot of these men. Those people who I knew in my similar situation 10 years ago in most cases were not skilled and that made it hard for them to make a living here. These are some of the things fiance's have to be prepared to address when they are moving here.

I have a fiance arriving here in about a month. I have to make sure that she acquires the skills to be sucessful. She is an elementary teacher in jamaica. Here that does not say sqaut without a degree and we have had to put things in place to address that. Now sure I wish she could come here and walk in a class room and teach. But I have done the homework and I know her teaching options are limited. As a couple we have to come together and deal with that.

They got along great. Took some time, but I could not imagine marrying a woman who had difficulty with my daughter. i was honest with her about that and she understood my concerns there. The time spent was the best thing ever happened. My daughter cried when she came back here after the summer vacation. Had it gone different would I have made a different choice. I think we both would have made that choice cause it was hers to make also.

Excellent points. I'll definitely keep this in mind for the future. I know that I would have to work on making my man feel at home in "my house". I think that you had a good idea about including your fiance in your home decorating. And you are so right about aquiring workable skills/education so that the adjustment will be easier.

I'm sure your fiance will probably get a good job here since teachers are in high demand in a lot of areas. My first exposure to Jamaican culture actually came here in my hometown where they had an exchange program at the local university for Sam Sharp's (sp?) teacher's college from JA. They were told that their credentials and degrees could be utilitzed here in the US but they do have a master's degree. I befriended one of the student's in the master's program who in turn invited me to JA. The rest is history.

Goodnight all. Have a great Sunday!

I truly beleive in a plan too. Thanks for sharing Trinlad! We have a plan in place for him to get GED and take Junior college courses at the same time so he can be on the soccer team. He also will have music lessons and hopefull this will help in making friends. I just organized my closet and threw out clothes and bought him 2 dressers which he helped me out in picking one. I am starting to buy clothes for the different season and when it gets closer I am making dates for him with friends he knows up here from the first couple months. I am also trying to see if my Aunt can get him a job at the college part time. He meet her at our wedding in JA. The best thing is my family is really tight and if we don't go to bears games we always have Sunday dinner. My parents seemed to love my hubby a lot and so did my aunts and uncles. I am just glad I also have an understanding family. We are one of those like u said in the carribean if u dont have a job for awhile we will still provide u with a meal and a rough over your head. Also with the money thing we know we split my pay even with whatever is left for our own items. We have been planning for the past 8 years and I hope being so slow at the process will help him feel more like home. I love the thing about having pictures up and everything. I let him pick out the color for our bedroom and we came up for the paint choice for the spare bedroom together already and I have sent him pictures of the condo so I am hoping this will help at all.

I understand about the whole teaching thing since I am a teacher in the states and applied for a job in JA and they were all over me with even a bacholers at the time highly quailfied. I know from my friends who teach who are all graduates of Sam Sharpe teachers College (hehe Michele) (Yes I have taught there and done seminars). My friends have checked out teaching options here in the states and they need to complete 2 more years of college and would have to take the state test to get their teaching degree and licenses. I hope she is still able to teach some like tutor on the side to make some money. All the best. Thanks for all the info Trinlad again!

[rhondapayter 0]

I told Craig yesterday (in the car..........best talks are in the car, cause they can't RUN)........I said Craig, we ALL need to support each other doesn't matter HOW bad it gets !!! You can't keep running AND threatening you're going to leave. You HAVE to stick it out and work everything out.

Our bad times far outweigh our good times !!!! I won't let him disrespect me over and over again and it's every other day !! I know that he loves me, truly loves me, but I can't STAND the fact that he lies to me. When he does he NEVER gets away with it, cause I always find out.

The other "issue" in our relationship has been what Craig calls a "friend". He continues to say that she's "a friend".

This "B" has called our house several times at 12:45 AM, 1:43 AM and 7:30 AM and NEVER leaves a message !!!!!!!!!!! I called her 2 weekends ago and left her a message for her to call me, she goes and text messages Craigs phone 3 min later (which I had in my hand----he wasn't here). So I called her back (from the cell), she didn't answer, so I left another message for her to call me back on OUR home phone ....I was VERY nice about it!!! SHE NEVER EVER CALLED BACK. Friend............yeah, right !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I totally understand the talks in the car It's true - they don't want a confrontation so they run away. Tony does this and it drives me nuts. I understand that sometimes you just need to cool off so you don't say something you don't mean, but... You can't keep running from your problems & think they're going to disappear if you just ignore them.

If your bad times really do outweigh your good times, I would be concerned about that. I always use that to measure my relationship - the good outweighs the bad or else we wouldn't have made it this long. Even though the bad is really, really bad, when it's good, it's great. I can also relate to the lying issue. Tony used to go to the bar while I was at work and then lie to me about it I always found out and then I was pissed - not because he went to the bar, but because he LIED about it. Of course, he thought I'd be mad so in his mind it was better to just lie and avoid confrontation We're still working on him understanding why he can NOT lie to me and how important it is for me to be able to trust him.

The thing with Craig having a female "friend" is a little suspicious. Who is this girl? What does she mean to him? How long has he known her? If she is just a friend, why won't she speak to you? She must know you're his WIFE right? What a b*tch I think you definately have to get to the bottom of that in order for anything to work out with you and Craig.

Good luck and hang in there

[thndrdancr 0]

I havent posted in a few days, and still need to catch up. I did want to congratulate Eliz and Henry on getting the green card! Yayyyy!

Ok, I have a question for all of you, hopefully someone might know the answer. Why are you supposed to "blanch" veggies before freezing???

Lake has a BUNCH of Guyanese spinach (bagi?) we need to pick and freeze this week. He has never heard of "blanching" them. I dont know much about freezing anything, so all I know is that you are supposed to do it. He says his aunt in New York freezes a bunch of it and doesnt boil it first. Heck if I know. He also says she freezes tomatoes after slicing them, without cooking first. Any old timers out there know?

Jill

[rhondapayter 0]

Ever since he came here things have been bad. My house is a mess - my Pergo floors are ruined - by window broke, my small stained glass window ornament is broken...

Ladies, I barely even want to have s*x anymore. Are you allowed to say that here? Anyway, I certainly won't get into the details - but suffice to say that things are much LESS fun than they were in JA. Not saying things are NEVER fun, but nothing like before.

I went to his job today to give him some money and I just looked at how incredibly handsome he is. He was so proud to be working. And he told me the reason he needed money is because he opened a bank account and couldn't take it out today. And whenever I see these tiny rays of hope I think - maybe I should give it more time... maybe I'm being too hasty.... And it breaks my heart to see him and be thinking in my head that I've all but decided not to marry him.

Your comments about your house being messed up worry me Is he violent with you? Does he break things when he gets mad?

As far as the sex, yes you can talk about that on here I was quite concerned myself a while back and asked a question about how often other couples were "doing it". Our sex life became almost non-existant once we were both working (on seperate shifts too) and it still isn't all that often now But, in talking to a lot of other couples, I've discovered that it's normal to decrease once the "newness" wears off. And obviously when I was going down to JA to see him, it was ALL THE TIME but that's because we didn't see each other for weeks/months at a time! We were catching up! Also, stress will definately affect your desire and sex drive, so if you're stressed about your relationship of course you're not going to be feeling it.

I think him starting a job will be a real turning point in your relationship. I know it was for us. It gives them some of their independance back and allows them to make their "own" money so they don't have to constantly bug you for cash. Also, him taking the initiative to open a bank account is great

Keep your head up and vent all you want.

[rhondapayter 0]

If you decide not to marry him and he has to return to JA please be aware that it will be difficult, if not impossible for him to return to his home. I'm sure he will be ostracized and humiliated. He will probably have to live in another area.

I don't agree with this at all Tony would definately go back to where he lived before amongst all his family and friends. If they are your true friends, they are not going to judge you because your relationship didn't work out! He has even talked to his dad about coming back "home" if we called it quits and his dad will help him get his feet back on the ground until he found another job, etc... They might be a little embarassed to admit their relationship "failed" but your family and friends will not "ostracize" you.

Think of these things.

1. Take a break.

2. Be realistic.

3. Talk about it.

4. Compromise.

5. Communicate.

Great advice

And no, some of us don't get any days off this weekend I'm at work right now

[rhondapayter 0]

I have been reading the messages on this site and I guess I have not heard any comments from any of the men who may be on here and bringing fiance's to the US. Wonder if there are any besides myself.

It wa her furniture, her bed, her food, her everything and I felt like so much a visitor there and never felt like anything was mine.

We picked out the new furniture down to the bedspread and the curtains together.

You cannot begin to imagine the psychological turmoil these men are going through. I used to almost resent my then wife for bringing me here. I was unprepared for this life . America is a hustle. Everyman for themselves and God for us all. You can loaf around in the Caribbean and not work for months and still get a meal and a roof over your head cause that is what family will do for you. That laid back attitude has to end at JFK or whaereever they come in. Took me a while after I came here to realize that it was not a vacation. Caribbean people or foreigners in general see Americans as prosperous and do not understand until they get here that that good life comes at a cost. The streets are not paved with gold and sometimes it takes a while for them to understand that.

I tell you, I know how they feel and it is going to get worse before it gets better. You just have to know how much you are willing to take while you wait for the better day.

I have said too much.

You have NOT said too much It's very nice to have the male perspective and also from someone who was once the foreign fiance himself!! Thank you. So many of your comments really rang true with me. Tony felt the same way when he came here - everything was 'mine' - he felt he had no say in things since I was paying for everything, etc. I think you guys picking out things for the house together is a great idea Also, the fact that many foreigners think of America as prosperous - so true! Tony admits now that he's never worked so hard in his life as he has since he got here But it's true - it does not come easy. Thanks for your insight.

[rhondapayter 0]

I am not saying it is right how these men are behaving, I am just saying that it has less to do with some mean spirit on thier part to thier American fiance and more to do with them feeling lost in a foreign country.

I guess we just have to have realistic expectations as to how soon the good days will come . This is not like meeting a man, falling in love and getting marraid. These men are leaving a normal life behind. No matter how bad it may be, it is the life that they know.

So true I try to put myself in Tony's shoes when I get frustrated with him. I have come to my own personal conclusion that I could not do what he did! I couldn't leave everything I know, my family, my job, etc. and just move to another country where I know ONE person in the entire place It is a huge challenge for them. I used to think that he should be happy because he had it so much better here - nice house, nice cars to drive, nice clothes, etc.. - but like you said however bad they had it in JA, it was still THIER HOME

[Jamaica to CT 0]

If you decide not to marry him and he has to return to JA please be aware that it will be difficult, if not impossible for him to return to his home. I'm sure he will be ostracized and humiliated. He will probably have to live in another area.

I don't agree with this at all Tony would definately go back to where he lived before amongst all his family and friends. If they are your true friends, they are not going to judge you because your relationship didn't work out! He has even talked to his dad about coming back "home" if we called it quits and his dad will help him get his feet back on the ground until he found another job, etc... They might be a little embarassed to admit their relationship "failed" but your family and friends will not "ostracize" you.

That's nice that Tony has a support system like that but some don't. Tristan can't rely on family members to help him until he gets on his feet; he would basically be on his own. As far as the ostracism is concerned I'm really not talking about family or close friends-but the towns people, acquantances and work mates. Several Jamaicans that I talked to have said the same thing; it would be very difficult for them to return to their home town under those circumstances.

The hospitality sector seems like they all know each other even if they work in different hotels. And Tristan is very sensitive.

I am not saying it is right how these men are behaving, I am just saying that it has less to do with some mean spirit on thier part to thier American fiance and more to do with them feeling lost in a foreign country.

I guess we just have to have realistic expectations as to how soon the good days will come . This is not like meeting a man, falling in love and getting marraid. These men are leaving a normal life behind. No matter how bad it may be, it is the life that they know.

So true I try to put myself in Tony's shoes when I get frustrated with him. I have come to my own personal conclusion that I could not do what he did! I couldn't leave everything I know, my family, my job, etc. and just move to another country where I know ONE person in the entire place It is a huge challenge for them. I used to think that he should be happy because he had it so much better here - nice house, nice cars to drive, nice clothes, etc.. - but like you said however bad they had it in JA, it was still THIER HOME

[Trinilad 0]

I truly beleive in a plan too. Thanks for sharing Trinlad! We have a plan in place for him to get GED and take Junior college courses at the same time so he can be on the soccer team. He also will have music lessons and hopefull this will help in making friends. I just organized my closet and threw out clothes and bought him 2 dressers which he helped me out in picking one. I am starting to buy clothes for the different season and when it gets closer I am making dates for him with friends he knows up here from the first couple months. I am also trying to see if my Aunt can get him a job at the college part time. He meet her at our wedding in JA. The best thing is my family is really tight and if we don't go to bears games we always have Sunday dinner. My parents seemed to love my hubby a lot and so did my aunts and uncles. I am just glad I also have an understanding family. We are one of those like u said in the carribean if u dont have a job for awhile we will still provide u with a meal and a rough over your head. Also with the money thing we know we split my pay even with whatever is left for our own items. We have been planning for the past 8 years and I hope being so slow at the process will help him feel more like home. I love the thing about having pictures up and everything. I let him pick out the color for our bedroom and we came up for the paint choice for the spare bedroom together already and I have sent him pictures of the condo so I am hoping this will help at all.

I understand about the whole teaching thing since I am a teacher in the states and applied for a job in JA and they were all over me with even a bacholers at the time highly quailfied. I know from my friends who teach who are all graduates of Sam Sharpe teachers College (hehe Michele) (Yes I have taught there and done seminars). My friends have checked out teaching options here in the states and they need to complete 2 more years of college and would have to take the state test to get their teaching degree and licenses. I hope she is still able to teach some like tutor on the side to make some money. All the best. Thanks for all the info Trinlad again!

Glad to hear I was not crazy for putting those pictures up. On my last two trips to Jamaica, I brought back my fiance's stuff. Some clothes, pocket books and tons of shoes. My father was concerned when he came to my house recently and saw them in the new closets I built. I guess he thought I was cross dressing. (he he). But I want when she walks in here in a couple weeks, she would feel like she lived here. Moving from Blue and Black living room furniture to off white has been a challenge for me and the yellow color paint in the bedroom that replaced the sky blue has taken a toll on me. But I feel I have asked this woman to do a lot. She gave up her apartment, sold all her furniture, pretty much quit her job and tool two months of vaccination shots so we can be together.

We got the same advice about the teaching. We had her transcript evaluated and we applied to the colleges in the area with teaching programs. We have selected the one that is going to give her the most transfer credits. The issue is the out of state tuition rate we are working around. That applies here in the first year. I work at a college that does not offer an education degree so we decided that since it will be free for her, she will take her general education requirement courses there and transfer them to the 4 year college after 1 semester since we were able to convince them to give us in state in 6 months. The state of MD will allow her to take a teaching assistant position so that will be a good start. Juggling work with school may be a challenge for her so we decided that the first semester here will be school and no work if she wants to. Sounds like I am crazy I know? But it is the only plan that will work cause getting that degree for her is top priority right now.

This thing takes planning and I feel like I have another job with the check list etc.

[Shemmy 4]

If you decide not to marry him and he has to return to JA please be aware that it will be difficult, if not impossible for him to return to his home. I'm sure he will be ostracized and humiliated. He will probably have to live in another area.

I don't agree with this at all Tony would definately go back to where he lived before amongst all his family and friends. If they are your true friends, they are not going to judge you because your relationship didn't work out! He has even talked to his dad about coming back "home" if we called it quits and his dad will help him get his feet back on the ground until he found another job, etc... They might be a little embarassed to admit their relationship "failed" but your family and friends will not "ostracize" you.

Think of these things.

1. Take a break.

2. Be realistic.

3. Talk about it.

4. Compromise.

5. Communicate.

Great advice

And no, some of us don't get any days off this weekend I'm at work right now

Good morning.

It goes both ways...some relatives and outside friends tried to make Damien feel like a sellout for leaving JA. One of Damien's friends (an older man who he called uncle) refused to ackowledge his presence our last trip. His feelings were hurt but he evetually got over it.

Damien's closest friends and family would love for him to return...they still talk to every day.

[tali 0]

Your comments about your house being messed up worry me Is he violent with you? Does he break things when he gets mad?

No he is not violent at all.

The floors being ruined is actually a funny story - he put Dawn in the dishwasher... nuff said.

When he first got here he cleaned out the garage, took care of the backyard, and was really careful about not being too messy. Now it seems like he dosen't care at all about my house. And every time I turn around, something else is broken. The other day I overheard him telling his friend that he lives in a mansion here. And I had to wonder why he dosen't treat the house with the same reverence that he brags about it.

[Shemmy 4]

Your comments about your house being messed up worry me Is he violent with you? Does he break things when he gets mad?

No he is not violent at all.

The floors being ruined is actually a funny story - he put Dawn in the dishwasher... nuff said.

When he first got here he cleaned out the garage, took care of the backyard, and was really careful about not being too messy. Now it seems like he dosen't care at all about my house. And every time I turn around, something else is broken. The other day I overheard him telling his friend that he lives in a mansion here. And I had to wonder why he dosen't treat the house with the same reverence that he brags about it.

Damien basically ruined the kitchen when he came because he didn't want to ask for help while I was at work. He broke knives (being too heavy handed), flood the kitchen (putting too much soap in the dishwasher), burned out pots (not used to cooking on electric stove), burned all of tuperware tops (he used them as plates in the mircowave), burned out a George Foreman grill (forgot to unplug it) and now the mircowave is broken - I wonder why

I want to ban him from the kitchen but he looks so good cooking - even with his doo rag and wife-beater on And he replaced the items. We're going microwave shopping today.

[Jamaica to CT 0]

Whose next on the interview list?

I believe it's the Savanphil's??

[Jamaica to CT 0]

Wow I finally made it to the platinum level!!

Ok so now how can I change it to what I want to say above those blue dots?

I've got to think of something witty .

When do you get a heart? 1000 posts I assume?