Yardies, at home and a farrin' (Part 3)

[tali 0]

Oh boy, OH BOY. You all know that I have to chime in on today's posts. I know some of you may be shaking your heads and saying oh no here she goes again .

Good morning family.

Michele. That's kinda what I was trying to say. Some women I met during this journey put up with some crazy mess...they feel bad because the men left JA. Well you can't use the cultural and adjustment excuses forever. I don't baby grown men either....I can't do so much for him. Damien knows my tolerance level and I know his as well. We have a much better understanding of each other now.

I just went to breakfast with my best friend. She said she had been thinking about me a lot. I haven't talked to her about the problems before because - I guess I was embarassed. She told me that she wanted me to be happy - and she would stick with me through anything. But she also said that I deserve more - much more - and she dosen't think I should settle.

You are right about feeling bad because your man left all he knew in JA. I keep thinking of how proud he is and how embarassing it would be for him to go back. I worry about his health, his teeth, and how he will feel going back to a life of such poverty. I love him so very much. But I know that I need to love myself more.

Ever since he came here things have been bad. My house is a mess - my Pergo floors are ruined - by window broke, my small stained glass window ornament is broken... My girlfriend says it is because I am "out of order" (she is referring to God's plan for my life - I am currently living in sin, etc.). I am not overly religious, but I do love God and I totally see her point.

He started his new job today. We went to get him a pair of black pants last night. The guy bought him the Dockers and I told him he should try it on. He was like "I can't boder with trying on nutten now man, believe me...". I told him he really needs to since he is starting the job in the morning and he won't have a seocond chance to find a pair that fits. He sucks his teeth and mutters under his breath and storms off to the fitting room. The salesman looks at me. I look down. I am embarassed - not just in how he treats me, but that I am engaged to a child. When we were checking out he starts telling the guy to hurry because he is hungry. And he says: "Me hungry man, believe me, a hungry man is an angry man..." I was like "WHAT"? But I said that in my head because I didn't want to argue and I wanted to get the heck away from the sales man as soon as possible.

Ladies, I barely even want to have s*x anymore. Are you allowed to say that here? Anyway, I certainly won't get into the details - but suffice to say that things are much LESS fun than they were in JA. Not saying things are NEVER fun, but nothing like before.

So I'm here - in a messy house with broken stuff... I've been embarassed in front of a jillion people (my Dad visited from Texas last week and at 7:30 p.m. when we were all watching TV he announces that he is tired and actually lays out on the floor in my sister's house and starts to go to sleep!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!). The romance is all but gone. And I feel like a fool.

At this point I really think he needs to go back to JA. So why am I having such a hard time just saying that to him?

I went to his job today to give him some money and I just looked at how incredibly handsome he is. He was so proud to be working. And he told me the reason he needed money is because he opened a bank account and couldn't take it out today. And whenever I see these tiny rays of hope I think - maybe I should give it more time... maybe I'm being too hasty.... And it breaks my heart to see him and be thinking in my head that I've all but decided not to marry him.

Well - enjoy the rest of your Saturday ladies.......

Take care

T

Goes to the bathroom with the seat down. I was like "why do you do that?" He says "I'm a grown man, I don't pee on the seat". Um.... yes you do buddy. YES YOU FREAKIN DO!!!

DWBCL!!!

What do you do for a living? Do you like your job? Is it just a job or a stepping stone in your career? Are you what you wanted to be when you grew up? Do you have a dead end job (like mine)? Have you ever made a major career change? How did you go about doing that? Let's talk careers....

I think its time I talked about something else... for a minute anyway...

1. I am a Director of HR and Training for a global company.

2. I really like my job - but it is very, very stressful. It requires more travel than I like and its not the type of job you can turn off at 5:00. I have an electronic leash (blackberry & laptop) and it is not uncommon for me to work late or on weekends.

3. I wanted to be "successful" (whatever that means) and I guess I am (at least in some ways), so yes, I suppose I'm where I wanted to be...

4) Job is not dead end - lots of possibilities for the future

5) Went from an admin to HR. But other than that - have been in HR and Training my whole career.

We're heading down to Virginia Beach (supposed to) this weekend for a soccer tournament, but the weather is supposed to be REALLY bad. NOT looking forward to that again this year, although Craig is TOTALLY pumped about seeing "a beach"!!!!

Do you think he's going to be disappointed? Roy loved the beach in San Diego but it was so much colder and much more (as he says) "frownsie" than Jamaica

When I took Tony to Florida (Clearwater Beach) he liked the beach but complained about the ocean! The water was freezing cold (it was April) and it wasn't clear straight to the bottom like Jamaica! He's like "why do they call it Clearwater Beach? It's not clear at all!!!" We still managed to have a blast though.

We went to the beach two weeks ago. He was thoroughly UNIMPRESSED! He said the water was brown and he wasn't going in no water that he can't see through! When I finally got him to at least put his feet in the water he jumped back and said how cold it was. We had a good time tho -

Oh boy, OH BOY. You all know that I have to chime in on today's posts. I know some of you may be shaking your heads and saying oh no here she goes again .

Even though I truly love Tristan I may never get married because he knows 'I'm not having it' and he know's that I mean it. I don't think that women should allow themselves to be treated badly for the sake of having a man or putting up with anything beacause of fear of what others may say. I don't believe in coddling grown men. As I said before I may not be married and I may never get married again but one thing I will say is that I did it my way.

Is Tristan here on a fiancee visa or a visitor's visa? I ask because you say you may never get married - dosen't he have to go back if you dont?

[nannygirl82 0]

hello ladies...

michele thank you for you kind words and your thoughts!!!

today was a hard day on me and my family...we laid my grandma to rest today and what really got to me was that i will not get to see her again...for the holiday's ect...but i know she is in a better place doing what she does best...teaching the kids.....

ladies ladies ladies....i'm not sure what comment to make...just know that my thoughts are with ALL of you and we are all her to support one another through the good times and bad times!!!!

[luvtravlin 0]

I just went to breakfast with my best friend. She said she had been thinking about me a lot. I haven't talked to her about the problems before because - I guess I was embarassed. She told me that she wanted me to be happy - and she would stick with me through anything. But she also said that I deserve more - much more - and she dosen't think I should settle.

You are right about feeling bad because your man left all he knew in JA. I keep thinking of how proud he is and how embarassing it would be for him to go back. I worry about his health, his teeth, and how he will feel going back to a life of such poverty. I love him so very much. But I know that I need to love myself more.

Ever since he came here things have been bad. My house is a mess - my Pergo floors are ruined - by window broke, my small stained glass window ornament is broken... My girlfriend says it is because I am "out of order" (she is referring to God's plan for my life - I am currently living in sin, etc.). I am not overly religious, but I do love God and I totally see her point.

He started his new job today. We went to get him a pair of black pants last night. The guy bought him the Dockers and I told him he should try it on. He was like "I can't boder with trying on nutten now man, believe me...". I told him he really needs to since he is starting the job in the morning and he won't have a seocond chance to find a pair that fits. He sucks his teeth and mutters under his breath and storms off to the fitting room. The salesman looks at me. I look down. I am embarassed - not just in how he treats me, but that I am engaged to a child. When we were checking out he starts telling the guy to hurry because he is hungry. And he says: "Me hungry man, believe me, a hungry man is an angry man..." I was like "WHAT"? But I said that in my head because I didn't want to argue and I wanted to get the heck away from the sales man as soon as possible.

Ladies, I barely even want to have s*x anymore. Are you allowed to say that here? Anyway, I certainly won't get into the details - but suffice to say that things are much LESS fun than they were in JA. Not saying things are NEVER fun, but nothing like before.

So I'm here - in a messy house with broken stuff... I've been embarassed in front of a jillion people (my Dad visited from Texas last week and at 7:30 p.m. when we were all watching TV he announces that he is tired and actually lays out on the floor in my sister's house and starts to go to sleep!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!). The romance is all but gone. And I feel like a fool.

At this point I really think he needs to go back to JA. So why am I having such a hard time just saying that to him?

I went to his job today to give him some money and I just looked at how incredibly handsome he is. He was so proud to be working. And he told me the reason he needed money is because he opened a bank account and couldn't take it out today. And whenever I see these tiny rays of hope I think - maybe I should give it more time... maybe I'm being too hasty.... And it breaks my heart to see him and be thinking in my head that I've all but decided not to marry him.

Well - enjoy the rest of your Saturday ladies.......

Take care

T

T, I think that once he's working and really gets into the swing of things that will help him.....just to see and FEEL how things "outside the home" work on his own. Craig likes to take the 2 hour (only 20 min by driving to work), because it makes him feel independent. When we're out, I'm constantly helping Craig "say" things, or the polite way to say things is....he can be VERY rude and I'm in TOTAL shock because he was NEVER like that in Jamaica!!!

I was just updating Craig's resume and he said he's been checking out jobs (because he's getting laid off in 2 weeks) and I asked, what are you wearing to "check these jobs out" and he's like, what I have on from work ...which is jeans (some holey) and I was like you HAVE to dress to impress even if it's for a warehouse position. You don't *have* to overdress, but wearing nice Khaki's .... he was like, other guys wear....and I said, listen to me Craig and NOT your homey's !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Shauna you've been on my mind ALL day!!! We said a likkle prayer for ya this morning ....

Today is MUCH better of a day. The 3 of us are chilling. Austin and Craig have been outside playin soccer, now they are sitting on the porch just shootin the s**t. It's NICE .....to see that, it truly is !!!! We've ALL been gettin along today like it's SUPPOSED to !!!! Craig said, lets go grocery shopping....I almost fell over!

Have a nice rest of the day.... and a nice Monday off (for those that have off)

[Jamaica to CT 0]

I just went to breakfast with my best friend. She said she had been thinking about me a lot. I haven't talked to her about the problems before because - I guess I was embarassed. She told me that she wanted me to be happy - and she would stick with me through anything. But she also said that I deserve more - much more - and she dosen't think I should settle.

You are right about feeling bad because your man left all he knew in JA. I keep thinking of how proud he is and how embarassing it would be for him to go back. I worry about his health, his teeth, and how he will feel going back to a life of such poverty. I love him so very much. But I know that I need to love myself more.

Ever since he came here things have been bad. My house is a mess - my Pergo floors are ruined - by window broke, my small stained glass window ornament is broken... My girlfriend says it is because I am "out of order" (she is referring to God's plan for my life - I am currently living in sin, etc.). I am not overly religious, but I do love God and I totally see her point.

He started his new job today. We went to get him a pair of black pants last night. The guy bought him the Dockers and I told him he should try it on. He was like "I can't boder with trying on nutten now man, believe me...". I told him he really needs to since he is starting the job in the morning and he won't have a seocond chance to find a pair that fits. He sucks his teeth and mutters under his breath and storms off to the fitting room. The salesman looks at me. I look down. I am embarassed - not just in how he treats me, but that I am engaged to a child. When we were checking out he starts telling the guy to hurry because he is hungry. And he says: "Me hungry man, believe me, a hungry man is an angry man..." I was like "WHAT"? But I said that in my head because I didn't want to argue and I wanted to get the heck away from the sales man as soon as possible.

Ladies, I barely even want to have s*x anymore. Are you allowed to say that here? Anyway, I certainly won't get into the details - but suffice to say that things are much LESS fun than they were in JA. Not saying things are NEVER fun, but nothing like before.

So I'm here - in a messy house with broken stuff... I've been embarassed in front of a jillion people (my Dad visited from Texas last week and at 7:30 p.m. when we were all watching TV he announces that he is tired and actually lays out on the floor in my sister's house and starts to go to sleep!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!). The romance is all but gone. And I feel like a fool.

At this point I really think he needs to go back to JA. So why am I having such a hard time just saying that to him?

I went to his job today to give him some money and I just looked at how incredibly handsome he is. He was so proud to be working. And he told me the reason he needed money is because he opened a bank account and couldn't take it out today. And whenever I see these tiny rays of hope I think - maybe I should give it more time... maybe I'm being too hasty.... And it breaks my heart to see him and be thinking in my head that I've all but decided not to marry him.

Well - enjoy the rest of your Saturday ladies.......

Take care

T

Is Tristan here on a fiancee visa or a visitor's visa? I ask because you say you may never get married - dosen't he have to go back if you dont?

Tristan is not here. He's still in JA. I have not filed for him yet.

Tali, do you honestly think things will improve within the next month; before your 90 days is up? If so; ask yourself if he is he being sincere about it or if he's doing it just to stay here? I'm not saying you should throw in the towel; only you can decide that. But don't be a doormat either. Please don't ignore any red flags; seriously. You'll only regret it later.

If you decide not to marry him and he has to return to JA please be aware that it will be difficult, if not impossible for him to return to his home. I'm sure he will be ostracized and humiliated. He will probably have to live in another area.

I'm sure that as time goes by some things will settle down and he'll get used to the way things are here. But

as with any person; where ever they come from; serious character flaws are not going to be changed easily, if at all. And for those with children, and especially daughters, you have to set an example for them. I'm certainly not saying they should run or dictate what goes on in the household; however your choices serve as an example for them.

When my mother remarried, me and my brother were terrible to our step-father; simply because he wasn't my father and we had to move out of state. So I'm sure that some of you with children will probably have the same reaction. That's normal. As Dee said things will probably improve over time if he treats you and your children decently.

Tali-Why are your items broken or destroyed?

Even though I'm sitting on the sidelines without a man here; these issues can be universal or local. I'm a "mature" (read- over 40 and experienced )woman and at this point I don't have the energy or patience to deal with immature(at any age), foolish men; nor should I have to.

For any woman or man for that matter, if you're not being treated the way you deserve or want to be treated, then the person you're with is probably not right for you.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

I have to work on Monday

Hey Jill- how are you doing?

[brownnskinn 0]

Tali -- him not having a job has alot to do with it too. They get very depressed when they are not working. Give it some time.....

They so want to support us. I think they act like bastards just so they can feel like a man.

But love is a great equalizer.

Give it some time.

I finally booked my ticket.... I'm leaving on the 26th. I am soooooooo nervous!!!

You Go Girl!!!!!, I'm so happy for you. You deserve it.

[BelwinMills 0]

Just throwing in my 2 cents... I don't know if this will help at all.... Go with what the signals are telling you. But Know that u have been settled for 2 months and are getting use to living with each other and adjusting. Think of these things.

1. Take a break. If you haven't had the chance to take a honeymoon yet, try to get out of town for a long weekend.

2. Be realistic. Building a life together takes time—it's not going to just happen overnight. So give yourselves the opportunity to get used to being married or living together.

3. Talk about it. Chat with friends or relatives who've been through it. Organize a night out with other newly marrieds to share stories, emotions, or whatever's on your mind.

4. Compromise. The secret to making a marriage work or relationship: patience and compromise. Sometimes you'll need to give in (and so will your sweetheart) to maintain your relationship.

5. Communicate. Don't assume your new spouse knows what's on your mind all the time. Speak up when you're feeling down or need a shoulder to cry on. Eventually your sweetheart will be in tune with your emotions

I hope everybody is having a good weekend. I have been putting together music all day for my chirstmas program. I can't beleive I will be practicing Christmas tunes in a couple weeks. HELP LOL

I have to work on Monday

Sorry Michele u don't get the three day weekend like some of us.

and maybe some of us don't even have a day off.

I am totaly hoping for another Bears win tomorrow. Its suppose to be the last warm game before I start frezzing my bumper (kids term) Butt off.

Bear Down

[brownnskinn 0]

I was really concerned because my son said last Monday, that he was going to die because he's so depressed and that maybe HE should kill himself !!

Is this the first time he's said something like this? My gosh!!!! this is no laughing matter. Craig needs to get his s%#* together big time, OR his A#$% needs to be grass.....Sorry that's my two cents.

[Jamaica to CT 0]

I have been putting together music all day for my chirstmas program. I can't beleive I will be practicing Christmas tunes in a couple weeks. HELP LOL

Plllezzze don't talk about that now. I'm shivering just thinking about that time of year and the cold . I've got to relocate to a warmer climate. My car died on me on Friday and the only thing I could think of was 'I'm glad I wasn't stranded in the middle of winter.' But at least it's supposed to be nice here the next few days. I'll take it . And where you be then; in Jamica, where it's nice and warm . I am so jealous of you and the Squitto's.

[brownnskinn 0]

I just went to breakfast with my best friend. She said she had been thinking about me a lot. I haven't talked to her about the problems before because - I guess I was embarassed. She told me that she wanted me to be happy - and she would stick with me through anything. But she also said that I deserve more - much more - and she dosen't think I should settle.

Ever since he came here things have been bad. My house is a mess - my Pergo floors are ruined - by window broke, my small stained glass window ornament is broken... My girlfriend says it is because I am "out of order" (she is referring to God's plan for my life - I am currently living in sin, etc.). I am not overly religious, but I do love God and I totally see her point.

Yes, why are your things broken?

[Trinilad 0]

I have been reading the messages on this site and I guess I have not heard any comments from any of the men who may be on here and bringing fiance's to the US. Wonder if there are any besides myself.

Anyway, I have the unique position of having come here as the fiance 12 years ago, surviving that experience and now actually bringing a fiance from Jamaica. I originally came from Trinidad, but I guess that as caribbean men all the same our experiences are similar.

Two things I can tell you from my experience coming here as a fiance.

Firstly, I felt less of a man when I came here and could not find a job and had to depend on a woman to take care of me until I found myself. I guess I too adopted that apparently hostile attitude that was more of a defensive thing than it was me just being mean. I knew that my wife at the time expected me to be bringing the bacon home and everytime she looked at me or did anything for me like brought clothes or food or anything, it made me feel like I was a disappointment. So before she had the time to even say so, I got on the offensive so that I would never have to hear it.

Secondly, I realized that we did not really have a realistic plan for what happens after we got the fiance visa. You know the saying visit me and leave with me are two different things. When my American fiance visited me in Trinidad. everything was fine, I felt appreciated, wanted, and the visits were majical. That majic ended when I landed at JFK. This was not a vacation anymore. I felt it the moment I arrived at her home. It wa her furniture, her bed, her food, her everything and I felt like so much a visitor there and never felt like anything was mine.

I say this not to excuse the behavior of the men you all are talking about. And it is not so much of a cultural thing. It is the inability to take care of ourselves that makes us respond with less than an appreciative attitude.

Now that I am the US citizen and preparing for the fiance, I know how she would feel when she arrives here in Baltimore. Over the past couple months I have spent countless hours making this home something welcoming for her. If you walk into my home now, I would have to convince you she does not live here. From the pictures on the walls, to the clothes in the closet and the shoes in the bedroom, to the subtle changes I have had to make to my home so that she feels it is hers. We picked out the new furniture down to the bedspread and the curtains together.

The most I can say to the ladies who are having a challenging time is that if you believe that man loves you and you want him in your life, then be patient. Tell him honestly how you feel, do not spend one minute thinking that you are offending him by telling him he is hurting you. Let him get pissed but you have a right to feel appreciated and he must understand that. But tell him also that you understand how difficult this is for him, how challenging this must be and that you are there for him 110% and would be there for better or for worse.

You cannot begin to imagine the psychological turmoil these men are going through. I used to almost resent my then wife for bringing me here. I was unprepared for this life . America is a hustle. Everyman for themselves and God for us all. You can loaf around in the Caribbean and not work for months and still get a meal and a roof over your head cause that is what family will do for you. That laid back attitude has to end at JFK or whaereever they come in. That is a discussion that a lot of couples do not have early enough. Not saying that you did not. But being open about how much you can afford to support and what your expectations are financially will go a long way with making sure everyone understands that this is not a vacation. Took me a while after I came here to realize that it was not a vacation. Caribbean people or foreigners in general see Americans as prosperous and do not understand until they get here that that good life comes at a cost. The streets are not paved with gold and sometimes it takes a while for them to understand that.

My fiance and I are getting marraid 4 days after she arrives in Baltimore. It may seem rational maybe to say wait and see how things work out before I do. But I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that this is the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with so her move here is not a trial thing. She has traits that pisses me off and drives me crazy and she knows what they are because I tell her and I have come to the realization that despite those traits, I still do love her. But I could not imagine my life without her. I am a single parent raising a 7 year old who is very territorial. To make that situation work I made my daughter spend Christmas and the whole Summer in jamaica with my fiance.

I am not saying that I have the ideal, and I know I am going to have challenging moments when she arrives. But love has kept us together for 5 years in two countries and love will keep us together over anything that comes our way. I know that most of you who are having trouble felt that way at some time. Look at that man next to you and if you feel that he is not the best thing for you, Call Air Jamaic NOW. But if you still feels that the fire is there, find a way to work through the differences. Being in a foreign country is hard. For you as an American , everything here is normal. For them, everything here is foreign and they feel out of place and a man will do anything to protect his pride and feel like a man. It is as if coming here has stripped them of everything that makes them a man or makes them feel like some body. Until they find themselves they are going to act like asses and drive you crazy. If you expect it to be any different, you are going to be disappointed.

I tell you, I know how they feel and it is going to get worse before it gets better. You just have to know how much you are willing to take while you wait for the better day. People may say otherwise, but I beleive Caribbean men are men whose values are grounded and who make great lovers as they do friends. When your man finds himself, you will have a gem you can be proud of. Either help him find it here, or send him home so he can reconnect with himself once again. After all, this is someone you love once, and still do, and would always want the best for them. Some foreign men cannot survive the pace of American life and you should know by now if your man will. This country is not for everyone!

I have said too much.

[Jamaica to CT 0]

hello ladies...

michele thank you for you kind words and your thoughts!!!

today was a hard day on me and my family...we laid my grandma to rest today and what really got to me was that i will not get to see her again...for the holiday's ect...but i know she is in a better place doing what she does best...teaching the kids.....

Shauna, today and the next few will be extremely difficult, but as time goes on you'll find the sadness and emptiness will be replaced with loving memories. Some days such as holidays or family traditions will be extremely hard when loved ones are not there.

Her suffering has ended. May she rest in peace.

[brownnskinn 0]

I just went to breakfast with my best friend. She said she had been thinking about me a lot. I haven't talked to her about the problems before because - I guess I was embarassed. She told me that she wanted me to be happy - and she would stick with me through anything. But she also said that I deserve more - much more - and she dosen't think I should settle.

Ever since he came here things have been bad. My house is a mess - my Pergo floors are ruined - by window broke, my small stained glass window ornament is broken... My girlfriend says it is because I am "out of order" (she is referring to God's plan for my life - I am currently living in sin, etc.). I am not overly religious, but I do love God and I totally see her point.

Yes, why are your things broken?

don't be embarrassed. I agree with your friend . You shouldn't have to settle(F) I've been where you might be going if you don't listen to your inner voice. You have to set an example for your daughter. I wish you the best.

I have said too much.

.............Could not have been better stated!!! It's great to have a man's point of view.

Edited October 8, 2006 by Denden

[Elizabethnhenry 0]

OK--here's one I used to get from my husband...

"Why yuh was' money on dis Kotex ting? Jus wash out yuh likkle cloths"

Nuff said.

Oh no he didn't go there Oh my gosh

MIGAWD!!

[Jamaica to CT 0]

I have been reading the messages on this site and I guess I have not heard any comments from any of the men who may be on here and bringing fiance's to the US. Wonder if there are any besides myself.

Anyway, I have the unique position of having come here as the fiance 12 years ago, surviving that experience and now actually bringing a fiance from Jamaica. I originally came from Trinidad, but I guess that as caribbean men all the same our experiences are similar.

Two things I can tell you from my experience coming here as a fiance.

Firstly, I felt less of a man when I came here and could not find a job and had to depend on a woman to take care of me until I found myself. I guess I too adopted that apparently hostile attitude that was more of a defensive thing than it was me just being mean. I knew that my wife at the time expected me to be bringing the bacon home and everytime she looked at me or did anything for me like brought clothes or food or anything, it made me feel like I was a disappointment. So before she had the time to even say so, I got on the offensive so that I would never have to hear it.

Secondly, I realized that we did not really have a realistic plan for what happens after we got the fiance visa. You know the saying visit me and leave with me are two different things. When my American fiance visited me in Trinidad. everything was fine, I felt appreciated, wanted, and the visits were majical. That majic ended when I landed at JFK. This was not a vacation anymore. I felt it the moment I arrived at her home. It wa her furniture, her bed, her food, her everything and I felt like so much a visitor there and never felt like anything was mine.

I say this not to excuse the behavior of the men you all are talking about. And it is not so much of a cultural thing. It is the inability to take care of ourselves that makes us respond with less than an appreciative attitude.

Now that I am the US citizen and preparing for the fiance, I know how she would feel when she arrives here in Baltimore. Over the past couple months I have spent countless hours making this home something welcoming for her. If you walk into my home now, I would have to convince you she does not live here. From the pictures on the walls, to the clothes in the closet and the shoes in the bedroom, to the subtle changes I have had to make to my home so that she feels it is hers. We picked out the new furniture down to the bedspread and the curtains together.

The most I can say to the ladies who are having a challenging time is that if you believe that man loves you and you want him in your life, then be patient. Tell him honestly how you feel, do not spend one minute thinking that you are offending him by telling him he is hurting you. Let him get pissed but you have a right to feel appreciated and he must understand that. But tell him also that you understand how difficult this is for him, how challenging this must be and that you are there for him 110% and would be there for better or for worse.

You cannot begin to imagine the psychological turmoil these men are going through. I used to almost resent my then wife for bringing me here. I was unprepared for this life . America is a hustle. Everyman for themselves and God for us all. You can loaf around in the Caribbean and not work for months and still get a meal and a roof over your head cause that is what family will do for you. That laid back attitude has to end at JFK or whaereever they come in. That is a discussion that a lot of couples do not have early enough. Not saying that you did not. But being open about how much you can afford to support and what your expectations are financially will go a long way with making sure everyone understands that this is not a vacation. Took me a while after I came here to realize that it was not a vacation. Caribbean people or foreigners in general see Americans as prosperous and do not understand until they get here that that good life comes at a cost. The streets are not paved with gold and sometimes it takes a while for them to understand that.

My fiance and I are getting marraid 4 days after she arrives in Baltimore. It may seem rational maybe to say wait and see how things work out before I do. But I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that this is the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with so her move here is not a trial thing. She has traits that pisses me off and drives me crazy and she knows what they are because I tell her and I have come to the realization that despite those traits, I still do love her. But I could not imagine my life without her. I am a single parent raising a 7 year old who is very territorial. To make that situation work I made my daughter spend Christmas and the whole Summer in jamaica with my fiance.

I am not saying that I have the ideal, and I know I am going to have challenging moments when she arrives. But love has kept us together for 5 years in two countries and love will keep us together over anything that comes our way. I know that most of you who are having trouble felt that way at some time. Look at that man next to you and if you feel that he is not the best thing for you, Call Air Jamaic NOW. But if you still feels that the fire is there, find a way to work through the differences. Being in a foreign country is hard. For you as an American , everything here is normal. For them, everything here is foreign and they feel out of place and a man will do anything to protect his pride and feel like a man. It is as if coming here has stripped them of everything that makes them a man or makes them feel like some body. Until they find themselves they are going to act like asses and drive you crazy. If you expect it to be any different, you are going to be disappointed.

I tell you, I know how they feel and it is going to get worse before it gets better. You just have to know how much you are willing to take while you wait for the better day. People may say otherwise, but I beleive Caribbean men are men whose values are grounded and who make great lovers as they do friends. When your man finds himself, you will have a gem you can be proud of. Either help him find it here, or send him home so he can reconnect with himself once again. After all, this is someone you love once, and still do, and would always want the best for them. Some foreign men cannot survive the pace of American life and you should know by now if your man will. This country is not for everyone!

I have said too much.

No Trinilad you have not said too much. I truly appreciate your point of view as a man who's been in the situation where some of our men are at now. You have certainly hit the nail of the head and offered invaulable advice and insight.

However...I still feel that if a man truly loves you he will not make life difficult for you no matter what kind of adjustments he has to go through. For some of us independent women B) an adjustment like this is extremely difficult for us too. All of us, no matter where we come from or where we've been have probably had to make adjustments in our lives and been put in situations that took us out of our "element". I know I have. Never once did I take it out on my loved ones. In fact if anything I tried to sheild them from the pain, hurt, fear or frustation I was experiencing. To me that was the loving thing to do.

I don't think anyone should throw in the towel so quickly without giving it serious thought and consideration. However let's face it some situations just won't work and never will so there's not point in making the mistake of marrying someone or continuing in a relationship that is detrimental to everyone. Everyone has to come to a solution for themselves and their circumstances.

How did your daughter and fiance make out without you? I do think it's a good idea for those with children to spend some one on one time together. I think it will probably work out with the younger ones but the older kids I'm sure have their own agenda

OK--here's one I used to get from my husband...

"Why yuh was' money on dis Kotex ting? Jus wash out yuh likkle cloths"

Nuff said.

Oh no he didn't go there Oh my gosh

MIGAWD!!

[Trinilad 0]

You are correct that no one should be ill treated or should any man/ woman feel they have the right to act out because they are adjusting. I am not saying it is right how these men are behaving, I am just saying that it has less to do with some mean spirit on thier part to thier American fiance and more to do with them feeling lost in a foreign country.

As you said, some people are not cut out for this and no one should feel that they have to take the BS just because they brought thier fiance here. Everyone has to make a judgement call. Rome was not built in a day and some men take longer to adjust than others. You just have to know your limits and when you get to that point, you have to do what is in your best interest.

I guess we just have to have realistic expectations as to how soon the good days will come . This is not like meeting a man, falling in love and getting marraid. These men are leaving a normal life behind. No matter how bad it may be, it is the life that they know. I had a friend who went through this a year ago. Things took some time to work out. She actually admitted it would have been easier if her fiance came with actual employable skills. She got him enrolled in College so that he could actually find a job. Today, you will never know they had a challenging start. Sometimes a lot of Caribbean men do not understand the skill requirements for successful living in the US. Getting a college degree is not a priority there as it is here and maybe you can survive there without it. Being here without a marketable skill is a challenge for a lot of these men. Those people who I knew in my similar situation 10 years ago in most cases were not skilled and that made it hard for them to make a living here. These are some of the things fiance's have to be prepared to address when they are moving here.

I have a fiance arriving here in about a month. I have to make sure that she acquires the skills to be sucessful. She is an elementary teacher in jamaica. Here that does not say sqaut without a degree and we have had to put things in place to address that. Now sure I wish she could come here and walk in a class room and teach. But I have done the homework and I know her teaching options are limited. As a couple we have to come together and deal with that.

They got along great. Took some time, but I could not imagine marrying a woman who had difficulty with my daughter. i was honest with her about that and she understood my concerns there. The time spent was the best thing ever happened. My daughter cried when she came back here after the summer vacation. Had it gone different would I have made a different choice. I think we both would have made that choice cause it was hers to make also.

How did your daughter and fiance make out without you? I do think it's a good idea for those with children to spend some one on one time together. I think it will probably work out with the younger ones but the older kids I'm sure have their own agenda

OK--here's one I used to get from my husband...

"Why yuh was' money on dis Kotex ting? Jus wash out yuh likkle cloths"

Nuff said.

Oh no he didn't go there Oh my gosh

MIGAWD!!