advice on relationships

[...... 0]

Hey everyone!!!

I took my fiance to a wedding in Canada last Sunday.. and he broke up with me this following Monday.. He said it was an over night decision and he is not sure if he is making the right decision but he is sticking to it... We just bought land and a boat together and i had to transfer everything into my name.. Now i am stuck with 13.5 acres and a boat that is in the states...Our plan was to build a house together but his friends are trying to convince him to move to California and sell million dollar homes. I think i scared him by taking him to a wedding but we have already have my NOA 2.. i am pretty sure we already got package 3 but he wont tell me.. he hasnt been home in a week and he sleeps in his car at work .. I told him to cancel my visa.. and he said NO and he does not know what to do with it yet

I need some help i have no clue what to do.. i was waiting to go to school in the states and everything we planed in life was together.. hes lame excuses are that i am holding him back and he has commitment issues

Does anyone know what i should do???

I called him to make sure he is okay.. and he does not want to talk to me.. he said its easier this way.. i told him i still wanted to be with him but i have no clue what is going through his mind.. hes acting insane.. i am so up set i have no clue what to do.

[Sam and Ben 2]

You did ask for advice... so hopefully you understand that this is well-intended...

Obviously, first and foremost, it sounds like you two need to talk. Something has triggered his reaction and ended in a very extreme result. It sounds like you two have already made some pretty hefty strides as a couple, so it does seem rather jumpy for him to tell you he wishes to end things.

By him saying that he doesn't know "what to do" with your visa... There's only so many things to do. If he wishes to not be in a relationship with you, then the visa is rendered useless.

Is this how he reacts to most issues/obstacles he comes across? Many people make trigger decisions when they cannot handle potential outcomes, or simply because that's how they deal with their day-to-day activities. Is that how he is, or does this seem out of character for him? (And if it is his usual way, is it something you can handle, should he choose he also wishes to continue your process/relationship?)

It does also sound as if there are other underlying issues though, from what you've stated with his friends. Has your fiance been dedicated to this process all along, or has he been swaying back and forth with his own feelings/suggestions from those he knows?

Perhaps if he won't "talk" to you... write him a letter/text/email/whathaveyou and tell him that you wish to talk, to understand, to know what's going through his head. (I'm in no way suggesting to handle this problem via text and the like, but simply trying to get an inital opening to him through a method like this, if he will not physically answer a call, may help.)

[...... 0]

His friends have been talking about going to California for a while..I i text him he usually wont reply and if i call him he wont pick up.. i talked to his mom and no one can believe what happen.. when i saw him the other day he didn't even seem like the same person.. he blew up and work.. and i honestly think he might get fired... he keeps saying i can do better them him.. and he doesn't want to stay together because he does not want me to have false hopes for the future.. he will drink ever night know

and i just cant believe whats happening

if i call him he will talk for a min and then blow me off and says he is going out with his friends.. and he says he needs to talk to them so that he can move on.. because he wants to break up but he also doesn't

he also said that he wants to move far away from in town as possible.. but we bough land in his town so that i could drive home and see my family.. he was okay with that at the time

Edited October 23, 2009 by Mary And Jim

[Inky 1,110]

Is there a way that you could maybe go and see him for a couple of days? I know its expencive but maybe you could get him to agree to meet up and talk over some food or a walk or something like that so its relaxing. You really need to talk about it even if he is hesitant.. I was in almost the same spot you are right now, gave him a few days of space and I called him and said we had to talk and really gave him no option but to talk.

[...... 0]

thank you for you help

[antda 13]

Hi Mary and Jim,

Sorry to hear about your situation with your fiance...

I hope though that things do work out for you and him in the end, and that you are both happy with whatever decisions you make then.

As for relationship advice (lol.I'll give it a shot, but I'm no expert here): I think that the wedding that you went to might have triggered something for your fiance, which I think boils down to one word: Commitment. After seeing that wedding, perhaps he realizes that he is not ready for marriage. It's not that he doesn't love you, it's just that he doesn't feel that marriage is the right thing at the moment, and is starting to get "cold feet" about this. Add to the fact that going through the immigration process rushes this, and is an extra stress, I could see why he would be unsure of what to do next and not respond to you right away. I think the thing to do is to give it a bit of time to think things over (but not too much time), and to slow down a bit in terms of taking drastic action, such as cancelling your visa right away and/or getting married right away after that. Talk things over and get to the bottom of things. Ask him how he feels about the relationship with the both of you together, and what compatiablity, expectations, fears, dreams, goals, etc. are for the next stage of marriage, and how life will be for the both of you after that, and whatever else you both have issues about that affects both of your lives. I'm sure that the both of you can work these issues out between the both of you, especially if you are both a strong couple relationship-wise. And if need be, perhaps get a neutral party involved (friend, relative, counsellor, etc.) involved in this too, to listen to both sides of the story and work out the problems. He needs his time and his space, and likewise, you need your time and your space to sort things out, so don't just rush into things and/or assume for the worse.

The bottom line: You both need to figure out what is best for this relationship before the both of you "forever commit" into marriage.....Might as well do it now, before it's too late later on down the road.....

Hope this helps. Wishing you the best...Good luck on your relationship and life journeys too.

Ant

P.S. As for the boat, land, what whatever other else in terms of materialistic possessions, that can be sorted out later (your relationship needs to be sorted out first). And if need be, if worse comes to worse, get a lawyer involved in terms of the legalities of the stuff. After all, you don't want to be stuck with something that you might not necessarily want later.

Hey everyone!!!

I took my fiance to a wedding in Canada last Sunday.. and he broke up with me this following Monday.. He said it was an over night decision and he is not sure if he is making the right decision but he is sticking to it... We just bought land and a boat together and i had to transfer everything into my name.. Now i am stuck with 13.5 acres and a boat that is in the states...Our plan was to build a house together but his friends are trying to convince him to move to California and sell million dollar homes. I think i scared him by taking him to a wedding but we have already have my NOA 2.. i am pretty sure we already got package 3 but he wont tell me.. he hasnt been home in a week and he sleeps in his car at work .. I told him to cancel my visa.. and he said NO and he does not know what to do with it yet

I need some help i have no clue what to do.. i was waiting to go to school in the states and everything we planed in life was together.. hes lame excuses are that i am holding him back and he has commitment issues

Does anyone know what i should do???

I called him to make sure he is okay.. and he does not want to talk to me.. he said its easier this way.. i told him i still wanted to be with him but i have no clue what is going through his mind.. hes acting insane.. i am so up set i have no clue what to do.

Edited October 23, 2009 by Ant+D+A

[KnJ 0]

I was in a similar situation, broke up soon after NOA2 and I got P3. Visited, broke up. After that, I did nothing - didn't cancel, even though we'd discussed doing so. You can see from my timeline that it took 2 months to send P3 back to the consulate. It needed time. I visited the US and we got back together. I submitted P3 shortly after that. It is probably worth not 'undoing' anything quite yet.

Agree with other posters, you need to talk, you need time to think. Not clear on who is the USC.. he is? Every situation is different, but I really felt like reacting too quickly and backing out of the visa process might mean we have to be long distance even longer as we started the process again. It took some faith.

[Nina~ 431]

His friends have been talking about going to California for a while..I i text him he usually wont reply and if i call him he wont pick up.. i talked to his mom and no one can believe what happen.. when i saw him the other day he didn't even seem like the same person.. he blew up and work.. and i honestly think he might get fired... he keeps saying i can do better them him.. and he doesn't want to stay together because he does not want me to have false hopes for the future.. he will drink ever night know

and i just cant believe whats happening

if i call him he will talk for a min and then blow me off and says he is going out with his friends.. and he says he needs to talk to them so that he can move on.. because he wants to break up but he also doesn't

he also said that he wants to move far away from in town as possible.. but we bough land in his town so that i could drive home and see my family.. he was okay with that at the time

Sounds suspiciously like Bi-Polar or depression.... Especially the part where he said that it was an "overnight decision". Trust me, nobody in their right mind will make a drastic decisions like breaking up with a fiancee overnight. Does he have any mental health issues? Does anyone in his family have mental health issues?? I am not a doctor or a mental health expert, so please take it with a grain of salt. I am suggesting this because I have had a similar experience in the past.

I had an ex who woke up one day and told me that that he was calling off our wedding because he woke up and realized that he'd been unhappy for the past 8 years we'd been together and that I deserved someone better.. At first I was confused because this was the same guy who proposed to me 3 months earlier telling me how happy he was with me and that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and now he was telling me that he had never been happy!!!! I was totally blindsided by this. I was quite alarmed because he shut me and his family out from his life and hung out with friends all the time (all night getting drunk at the bar). Months later he finally got help and was diagnosed with chronic depression, unfortunately it was too late for us because I had moved on.

[Carlawarla 1]

Hey everyone!!!

I took my fiance to a wedding in Canada last Sunday.. and he broke up with me this following Monday.. He said it was an over night decision and he is not sure if he is making the right decision but he is sticking to it... We just bought land and a boat together and i had to transfer everything into my name.. Now i am stuck with 13.5 acres and a boat that is in the states...Our plan was to build a house together but his friends are trying to convince him to move to California and sell million dollar homes. I think i scared him by taking him to a wedding but we have already have my NOA 2.. i am pretty sure we already got package 3 but he wont tell me.. he hasnt been home in a week and he sleeps in his car at work .. I told him to cancel my visa.. and he said NO and he does not know what to do with it yet

I need some help i have no clue what to do.. i was waiting to go to school in the states and everything we planed in life was together.. hes lame excuses are that i am holding him back and he has commitment issues

Does anyone know what i should do???

I called him to make sure he is okay.. and he does not want to talk to me.. he said its easier this way.. i told him i still wanted to be with him but i have no clue what is going through his mind.. hes acting insane.. i am so up set i have no clue what to do.

His friends have been talking about going to California for a while..I i text him he usually wont reply and if i call him he wont pick up.. i talked to his mom and no one can believe what happen.. when i saw him the other day he didn't even seem like the same person.. he blew up and work.. and i honestly think he might get fired... he keeps saying i can do better them him.. and he doesn't want to stay together because he does not want me to have false hopes for the future.. he will drink ever night know

and i just cant believe whats happening

if i call him he will talk for a min and then blow me off and says he is going out with his friends.. and he says he needs to talk to them so that he can move on.. because he wants to break up but he also doesn't

he also said that he wants to move far away from in town as possible.. but we bough land in his town so that i could drive home and see my family.. he was okay with that at the time

Wow, I'm sorry this is happening. On hindsight, could you see any of this coming? I highlighted some things that stood out for me. He broke off with you a day after a wedding. I hardly think this is the reason...

You will receive Package 3, not him. Who does he live with? He hasn't been home in a week? Sleeping in his car? Is he bathing? Blowing up at work...maybe he's setting himself up to be fired, on purpose.

You say he'll drink every night now. Why is that? Does he perhaps have a drinking problem...or has drinking been a problem in the past?

How big is the town? I wonder if something hasn't happened in this town for him to be afraid or unwilling to sleep at home, and to get as far away as possible? Does he have friends in California? Is he in real estate? What makes him think he can just quit his job and find a job in California selling houses?

I agree with the above poster. I think there might be some serious mental health concerns. I think there may have been some things going on with him for awhile, and he's either hidden it from you, or in your joy and love for him, you've ignored or missed...

Communication is the key, however if he's suffering with a mental illness, then he has to be seen by a professional, and be on medication. He'll be up and down until then, and won't be making good decisions.

Another poster asked if you could come visit him. Is this a possibility?

Hope to hear from you regarding these questions!