Getting her out of vacation mode

[akdiver 3]

I'm also not so sure "confidence" is the primary reason most women slog to the grocery store in Jammie bottoms and no make-up.

I go to the store that way, I dunno why my wife shouldn't.

I'm very glad I do not have a "fashionable" wife. That fashion ###### is expensive...and a huge waste of money IMHO.

Edited October 28, 2009 by akdiver

[slim 1,530]

Agree or disagree, you can't argue with reality.

I reject your reality and insert my own!!!

I love that show!

[Kailey 3]

Thanks everyone for the comments. I am glad it has stirred the conversation soup.

In answer to a few of the questions. She does volunteer. I suggested different places to volunteer with and she found a place about 2 or 3 weeks after moving here. She has a pretty normal schedule there, although if she doesn't show up, it isn't a crime. She says she enjoys volunteering. She doesn't like doing things without earning a wage. So if she was working in an office setting and didn't earn any money, she would hate it.

She is younger (<40) but comes from a smaller city, not a village. I don't know if that truly impacts things.

Wasn't trying to turn the conversation into the same old, same old of; American women suck, American men are fat.

I have thrown rocks at girls but in my defense, I was 4 and she was 6, and family.

The comment about with holding bedroom privileges was in reply to Slim's comment that it was a two way street and either party could technically do it. It was said in jest. More along of the lines of, would a woman even notice if a guy was with holding bedroom privileges?

One thing I find hysterical is when some people comment and sermonize about you should do this or that and you should never do this or that, when they themselves are not even living with their significant other. Until you have been in the ocean, don't tell me about the waves.

The strategy I've undertaken is I put together a large list of things that need to be done. And I mean it really is a large list of things. >40 things. I didn't say, you do this, I will do that. They were all things we had talked about in passing with no serious weight to the conversation. I made the list right before dinner and she grabbed the list during dinner and read through it. Asking what some of the items are on the list.

Some of the items were clearly going to be done by me, change the oil in the car. Some items could be done by either one of us. She mentioned, you never asked me to do, xyz. Ok, I will play along. I did but maybe I didn't say it like, "do XYZ NOW!!!" Not my style, never will be.

I put the list on the fridge. Friday night she asked me, "what are we going to do this weekend?"

I replied, "I was just thinking about that, I was going over the list in my head, and I think I will do a,b,c,d,e,f, and g."

She was like, "You are going to do all of that this weekend?"

I said, "Yes I am going to do all of that before lunch on Saturday."

"WOW!!!"

I kept my word and started cracking out the items on the list. For the record I finished A-F before lunch and was halfway through G. She got the point and was working on J, K, O, and Q.

So, I think some posters comments on communication were correct. However it wasn't specific enough. We had talked about all of the items on the list, except 1 or 2. The part that was lacking, was I wasn't clarifying what I was expecting from here. I didn't implicitly state I want you to do J, K, O and Q. It would have felt as I was giving her orders, and that isn't constructive to my relationship. I allowed her to come to her own resolve, she could see the list of things that I needed or wanted done. Mind you, many items on the list were things she desired also. And she then say I was completing things and if she helped, then we would have time to do things together.

I don't want my spouse to be my maid. Although I do expect her to contribute 50% of the effort around the house. And in some cases maybe 66% because you have more time than I do.

do you have a big age difference? just curious.

[Kailey 3]

+ i think that your "to do" check list, thoughts about 'bedroom privileges' and so on... are so extremely boring. Sorry.

Just talk ! OMG..!! Why would it be so strange or insulting if you tell her - hey, Honey, i am leaving for work now, please make the bed or/and wash the cloths (may be your socks you can kindly leave to wash by yourself at least at the begining of your marriage. But rest - of course she can do it. And i'm sure she knows how to use a washing machine. We fly to the space, you really believe a fairy tale about a Russian woman that had NO CLUE how to press a washing machine buttons? ).

If you read by this and think "Yes, i knew there was sth wrong with HER" then you are mistaken . It should be a team game. Instead of making the check-lists, make her life brighter. Bring her flowers in the evening. Why? just because! Or buy some jewelry - why? just because you are a good guy and love her (i'm not talking about sth wild if you can't afford. Sth small but really nice). Alternative - take her to a restaurant on Friday. You need to relax after a week of work, she needs to see humans after a week of watching TV.

Stop thinking - start living .

++ you really say this in the US "bedroom priviliges"?

Edited October 28, 2009 by Kailey

[Y's_habibitk 2]

Thanks everyone for the comments. I am glad it has stirred the conversation soup.

In answer to a few of the questions. She does volunteer. I suggested different places to volunteer with and she found a place about 2 or 3 weeks after moving here. She has a pretty normal schedule there, although if she doesn't show up, it isn't a crime. She says she enjoys volunteering. She doesn't like doing things without earning a wage. So if she was working in an office setting and didn't earn any money, she would hate it.

She is younger (<40) but comes from a smaller city, not a village. I don't know if that truly impacts things.

Wasn't trying to turn the conversation into the same old, same old of; American women suck, American men are fat.

I have thrown rocks at girls but in my defense, I was 4 and she was 6, and family.

The comment about with holding bedroom privileges was in reply to Slim's comment that it was a two way street and either party could technically do it. It was said in jest. More along of the lines of, would a woman even notice if a guy was with holding bedroom privileges?

One thing I find hysterical is when some people comment and sermonize about you should do this or that and you should never do this or that, when they themselves are not even living with their significant other. Until you have been in the ocean, don't tell me about the waves.

The strategy I've undertaken is I put together a large list of things that need to be done. And I mean it really is a large list of things. >40 things. I didn't say, you do this, I will do that. They were all things we had talked about in passing with no serious weight to the conversation. I made the list right before dinner and she grabbed the list during dinner and read through it. Asking what some of the items are on the list.

Some of the items were clearly going to be done by me, change the oil in the car. Some items could be done by either one of us. She mentioned, you never asked me to do, xyz. Ok, I will play along. I did but maybe I didn't say it like, "do XYZ NOW!!!" Not my style, never will be.

I put the list on the fridge. Friday night she asked me, "what are we going to do this weekend?"

I replied, "I was just thinking about that, I was going over the list in my head, and I think I will do a,b,c,d,e,f, and g."

She was like, "You are going to do all of that this weekend?"

I said, "Yes I am going to do all of that before lunch on Saturday."

"WOW!!!"

I kept my word and started cracking out the items on the list. For the record I finished A-F before lunch and was halfway through G. She got the point and was working on J, K, O, and Q.

So, I think some posters comments on communication were correct. However it wasn't specific enough. We had talked about all of the items on the list, except 1 or 2. The part that was lacking, was I wasn't clarifying what I was expecting from here. I didn't implicitly state I want you to do J, K, O and Q. It would have felt as I was giving her orders, and that isn't constructive to my relationship. I allowed her to come to her own resolve, she could see the list of things that I needed or wanted done. Mind you, many items on the list were things she desired also. And she then say I was completing things and if she helped, then we would have time to do things together.

I don't want my spouse to be my maid. Although I do expect her to contribute 50% of the effort around the house. And in some cases maybe 66% because you have more time than I do.

thats awesome that you found what works for you guys! Different people respond to different things

[BluesTraveler 0]

+ i think that your "to do" check list, thoughts about 'bedroom privileges' and so on... are so extremely boring. Sorry.

then don't read it.

[baron555 934]

One thing I find hysterical is when some people comment and sermonize about you should do this or that and you should never do this or that, when they themselves are not even living with their significant other. Until you have been in the ocean, don't tell me about the waves.

Oh please. You come on here asking for help and everything everyone has said is good and valid and with experience.

You have a relationship problem.

It has nothing to do with her being Russian and you not.

You have a relationship problem.

If you re-read the posts to your original question, there is a common theme behind them and you are choosing to not try that or those suggestions. It's your business but no one wants to see a relationship fail, if it can be helped.

And Kailey is offering a different perspective. You should take her comments to heart; maybe therein lies a window into the source of your problem.

It could be you and not your wife's.

I don't know, I don't know you, but you asked for comments and you've received a bunch to try.

[Kailey 3]

+ i think that your "to do" check list, thoughts about 'bedroom privileges' and so on... are so extremely boring. Sorry.

then don't read it.

I am giving you a female view on this . Paying attention to it or not - it's up to you.

[eekee 182]

+ i think that your "to do" check list, thoughts about 'bedroom privileges' and so on... are so extremely boring. Sorry.

then don't read it.

I am giving you a female view on this . Paying attention to it or not - it's up to you.

I'm a female too, and I don't see how jewelry or flowers will get his wife to do things. To me this says, EVERYTHING YOU ARE DOING RIGHT NOW IS AWESOME AND DON'T CHANGE A THING! Feeling appreciated isn't going to make someone scrub a toilet.

[baron555 934]

Although I do expect her to.......

As I have stated, YOU have relationship problems.

I hope she is not hurt. I do hope you can find a solution to your problem.

[SuperDuper! 230]

I'm also not so sure "confidence" is the primary reason most women slog to the grocery store in Jammie bottoms and no make-up.

I go to the store that way, I dunno why my wife shouldn't.

I'm very glad I do not have a "fashionable" wife. That fashion ###### is expensive...and a huge waste of money IMHO.

It depends where ya shop. You can go to vintage stores and get $75 jackets for $6.

Some men settle for their lady in sweat pants and sneakers when at the grocery store. Other men love the feeling they get having their lady looking nice in nice slacks and high heels. It's up to what you settle for. Peace.

[Kailey 3]

+ i think that your "to do" check list, thoughts about 'bedroom privileges' and so on... are so extremely boring. Sorry.

then don't read it.

I am giving you a female view on this . Paying attention to it or not - it's up to you.

I'm a female too, and I don't see how jewelry or flowers will get his wife to do things. To me this says, EVERYTHING YOU ARE DOING RIGHT NOW IS AWESOME AND DON'T CHANGE A THING! Feeling appreciated isn't going to make someone scrub a toilet.

"EVERYTHING YOU ARE DOING RIGHT NOW IS AWESOME AND DON'T CHANGE A THING" - if it really works for her and she doesn't feel strange being trained like this, then yes. You found a solution. Such approach wouldn't work for me. I think people are intelligent enough in most cases to be able to discuss problems naming them directly. Well, from the other side I doubt I would seat and just not do anything in the house for weeks.

And about flowers, jewelries and other things - it's not a bribe i was talking about. Or 'you do this - i give you that' relationship. I was talking about making each other's life more interesting, brighter, etc. Ok, not jewelries - go to a theatre, concert, or a short trip somewhere. To be honest, I think when each of the two REALLY wants to make the life of the other better, most problems just never occur.

[slim 1,530]

Good post, baron555.

I'm a female too, and I don't see how jewelry or flowers will get his wife to do things. To me this says, EVERYTHING YOU ARE DOING RIGHT NOW IS AWESOME AND DON'T CHANGE A THING! Feeling appreciated isn't going to make someone scrub a toilet.

My wife has told me several times that if I'd only buy her flowers and jewelry she'd be more than happy to scrub the toilet and clean the house. As of right now, she does those things but only under extreme protest because I don't buy her anything.

According to her, she'd be happy if I either helped out or bought her nice things. I won't do either because I'm busy working a full-time job and she should have more than enough time between her part-time gigs to get things done around the house. Jewelry? HA! I would, except the majority of money from that full-time job I work goes to the bills that have to be paid and since only one of us is working full-time... guess who pays more?

(For the record, I'd love to spend all my money on her and shower her with gifts and diamonds, trips around the world, etc. - I just don't think that'd make her happy though.)

And about flowers, jewelries and other things - it's not a bribe i was talking about. Or 'you do this - i give you that' relationship. I was talking about making each other's life more interesting, brighter, etc. Ok, not jewelries - go to a theatre, concert, or a short trip somewhere. To be honest, I think when each of the two REALLY wants to make the life of the other better, most problems just never occur.

So where does all the money come from to do all this fun stuff together? Going to the theatre, concerts, short trips... all sounds really nice. How do you pay for all that stuff?

[Kailey 3]

My wife has told me several times that if I'd only buy her flowers and jewelry she'd be more than happy to scrub the toilet and clean the house. As of right now, she does those things but only under extreme protest because I don't buy her anything.

According to her, she'd be happy if I either helped out or bought her nice things. I won't do either because I'm busy working a full-time job and she should have more than enough time between her part-time gigs to get things done around the house. Jewelry? HA! I would, except the majority of money from that full-time job I work goes to the bills that have to be paid and since only one of us is working full-time... guess who pays more?

(For the record, I'd love to spend all my money on her and shower her with gifts and diamonds, trips around the world, etc. - I just don't think that'd make her happy though.)

- these things by themselves are not enough to make an unhappy person happy if the reason for unhappiness lies in the abscence of love for example. But they can definitely make a happy person happier. I prefer the second variant.

Slim I'm struggling to understand what you do - shower you wife with gifts and diamonds or let her scrub the toilet with all the gratitude she gets - is that you continue to use it?

And about flowers, jewelries and other things - it's not a bribe i was talking about. Or 'you do this - i give you that' relationship. I was talking about making each other's life more interesting, brighter, etc. Ok, not jewelries - go to a theatre, concert, or a short trip somewhere. To be honest, I think when each of the two REALLY wants to make the life of the other better, most problems just never occur.

So where does all the money come from to do all this fun stuff together? Going to the theatre, concerts, short trips... all sounds really nice. How do you pay for all that stuff?

- either one works or both, how do people usually pay?

[SuperDuper! 230]

Good post, baron555.

I'm a female too, and I don't see how jewelry or flowers will get his wife to do things. To me this says, EVERYTHING YOU ARE DOING RIGHT NOW IS AWESOME AND DON'T CHANGE A THING! Feeling appreciated isn't going to make someone scrub a toilet.

My wife has told me several times that if I'd only buy her flowers and jewelry she'd be more than happy to scrub the toilet and clean the house. As of right now, she does those things but only under extreme protest because I don't buy her anything.

According to her, she'd be happy if I either helped out or bought her nice things. I won't do either because I'm busy working a full-time job and she should have more than enough time between her part-time gigs to get things done around the house. Jewelry? HA! I would, except the majority of money from that full-time job I work goes to the bills that have to be paid and since only one of us is working full-time... guess who pays more?

(For the record, I'd love to spend all my money on her and shower her with gifts and diamonds, trips around the world, etc. - I just don't think that'd make her happy though.)

And about flowers, jewelries and other things - it's not a bribe i was talking about. Or 'you do this - i give you that' relationship. I was talking about making each other's life more interesting, brighter, etc. Ok, not jewelries - go to a theatre, concert, or a short trip somewhere. To be honest, I think when each of the two REALLY wants to make the life of the other better, most problems just never occur.

So where does all the money come from to do all this fun stuff together? Going to the theatre, concerts, short trips... all sounds really nice. How do you pay for all that stuff?

Sorry, Slim, but this just sounds odd. Listen, women love flowers. Try buying her some once in a while, and see the love come back to you. Maybe, she needs encouragement to be more domestic. Try doing chores with her together. Peace.