Getting her out of vacation mode

[SuperDuper! 230]

Without an EAD one can not work legally. My thought process was if you are not out in the work force, that you should be doing work at home. Just some little things, nothing major like re-painting the house.

Granted most likely I set things on the wrong course by saying, "Enjoy your time off while it lasts. Soon, you will have to get a job and no more free time." Ok, it has been a few months and now is time to get off the couch and do some stuff. When I ask you what are you going to do today, and your reply is, "nothing sit around the house." My thought is don't sit around ~ do something!!!

This is what I want her to do, but trying to think about what is the best way to say it without losing bedroom privileges.

1). Get organized in the job searching arena. Decide what you want to do, and research possible jobs. Just because you can't actually apply for the job doesn't mean you can't do market research. And if you want to change career fields, research what is required and find out all the details.

2). You make dinner, great, lovely.

3). Use the washing machine, for my clothes too!!!

4). Vaccuum, some ironing, wipe down the shower and tub.

Granted if she was working a full time job, I wouldn't be thinking these things. Am I unreasonable to expect some of these things to be done?

This is the kind of situation where planning ahead may be of utmost importance.

My fiancee has been in the US almost three weeks already. Two of them have been spent going to ESL courses four days a week. I identified that as a need and since she got enrolled her mood has been a lot better than the first week.

I was also very clear on what she can and cannot do ... and until when the situation will be so. She would love to work, but I made it clear that English is the priority. I noticed that making every step very clear helps keep her in check. And believe me when I say that it has not been easy because she misses every bit of her life back in Russia.

Not only that. Knowing that she does not drive yet, I made sure to choose a school and a schedule that will keep her busy as much time as I work. I showed her exactly how to get back and forth to the city like Brad did. It takes her between two and three hours each way (walk, bus, and subway), but she does not complain about it a bit.

And finally, when nothing else works, telling her exactly what you expect from her (like doing the dishes when I am not home) has worked wonders. The first week she made me understand that she felt like a guest in "my" home. I then explained to her that she is not a guest and instead this is "our" home. Slowly but surely "the serious talk" is giving the expected results.

She still sleeps late when not studying and spends hours in the bathroom getting ready everyday, but thanks to advance planning and clear communication, all other times she is not sitting around doing nothing.

Find out what really captures her interest and help her dedicate some time on it. And do not go around doing everything for her or else you will make it habit and she will never have the desire to make it teamwork. Be clear! Be firm! And help her adapt better!

THis is great advice. Ignore those who joke about sending her back: Worst advice ever and shows poor judgement!

[slim 1,525]

This is what I want her to do, but trying to think about what is the best way to say it without losing bedroom privileges.

Bedroom privileges? What are those?

1). Get organized in the job searching arena. Decide what you want to do, and research possible jobs. Just because you can't actually apply for the job doesn't mean you can't do market research. And if you want to change career fields, research what is required and find out all the details.

Why would she do that when you're paying all the bills? She didn't come here to work, did she? Sure, she'll work eventually, but she came here for you... not for a job. Plus, all the money she's going to make is for her to use to meet her friends, shop, etc. Not to pay "your bills." A job is more like something for her to pass the time, not to actually contribute to a combined household.

2). You make dinner, great, lovely.

Dinner for her that just happens to be enough for you too?

3). Use the washing machine, for my clothes too!!!

Why would she do that? You know how to use it.

4). Vaccuum, some ironing, wipe down the shower and tub.

She could... but then, what will you do? I mean, come on, you did all those things just fine before she got here. Why should she now be in charge of doing them all?

Granted if she was working a full time job, I wouldn't be thinking these things. Am I unreasonable to expect some of these things to be done?

Yes. Very unreasonable. There's no reason you should be expecting her to contribute anything at all to your household or relationship. You're lucky she's there and you're privileged to have her in your presence. Whatever she "allows" you to have or do that includes her is merely a gift from above. Cherish it.

she might be depressed and/ or homesick. she might also need you to show her how you like your house cleaned. maybe this weekend- do chores together and explain how you want things done. i did it and it worked.

Then again, you also control the bedroom privileges.

[slim 1,525]

This should have been talked about before she came but now is as good a time as any.

Whatever you talked about before she arrived was just a suggestion. After she arrives... it's still just a suggestion.

My fiancee has been in the US almost three weeks already.

Wow! It's like an eternity!

...... do not go around doing everything for her

Says the guy who's planned out every single aspect of his wife's three weeks in the U.S.

Ignore those who joke about sending her back: Worst advice ever and shows poor judgement!

If I had a dollar for every time I've offered to send my wife back I'd be rich. And then, according to her, she could finally be happy.

[Brad and Vika 129]

It's been my experience, that many slavic women do not respect a "push over guy", if you are doing everything around the house without a word of protest... while going to work.. you are a "push over".

If it took an argument, I would confront her on this point and tell her, you want to help her adjust but you expect a "team effort".

This has been true in my experience. There are times when a well-placed confrontation shows strength and leadership. She will probably respect that if the issue is important.

And finally, when nothing else works, telling her exactly what you expect from her (like doing the dishes when I am not home) has worked wonders. The first week she made me understand that she felt like a guest in "my" home. I then explained to her that she is not a guest and instead this is "our" home. Slowly but surely "the serious talk" is giving the expected results.

She still sleeps late when not studying and spends hours in the bathroom getting ready everyday, but thanks to advance planning and clear communication, all other times she is not sitting around doing nothing.

We had a discussion about dishes once too. Vika cooks all the time (I never did much), but was used to living with mom and dad. Apparently her kitchen status was "helper" in Ukraine, and she wasn't in the habit of cleaning up - as her parents usually did it, or told her to. Barring that, she could just leave the dishes in the sink or on the counter, and some one would take care of it. After a couple of weeks, I let things pile up in the sink and the dishwasher for a few days, then confronted her when she was unsuccessfully looking for a clean frying pan. I made it pretty clear that she was not a guest in the house, this wasn't a vacation, or Ukraine either, and I didn't appreciate the mess or the cleanup after working all day while she was idle. It has never been a problem since. In all fairness she does the same for me when I periodically leave clutter or clothes on the floor somewhere.

I think the sleeping late is a female thing . You will probably have to live with that. It confounds me that I sometimes am expected to provide my wife with a reason not to sleep all day

Then again, you also control the bedroom privileges.

I always cringe when I read about "bedroom privileges" becoming currency in a relationship. IMHO, when you start doing things to get them, or not doing things to avoid losing them, it is just what slim describes here - a control thing. That is cancer in a relationship. Just my opinion.

Edited October 22, 2009 by Brad and Vika

[baron555 934]

Slim's comments are actually right on.

Unless you both talked about what she will do when she comes here, she is doing what you allow.

Sounds like maybe your relationship is in need of a serious reality check; since you have these feelings that she should be doing something that she's not.

And again, never ever use the threat (in any manner) of sending her back. That in and of itself can end your relationship. Never ever say that.

And, if losing bedroom priviledges is the result of a disagreement or conversation, then again, your realationship needs serious help.

You should have had the conversation before and both agreed that you both will never ever allow the outside world to affect what you do in the bedroom. All good relationships have the agreement that nothing is brought into the bedroom. You both need to agree to this. You both need to be able to tell the other when your feeling something negative. You both need to be able to set the other down and have a serious conversation. If something is bothering either, the other should be able to recognize this and give the time for a serious conversation. And you both should be able to understand that this is part of being in a relationship and there will be differences of opinion and there may have to be some give and take.

[Danno 1,228]

I think the sleeping late is a female thing . You will probably have to live with that. It confounds me that I sometimes am expected to provide my wife with a reason not to sleep all day

Yeah, I have had to accept this sleeping late thing, in fact right now it is 10:37 and she is still sleeping.

If she has something to do, (for her) she is up "no problem" but if it's my work or... something I want to do such as go for a hike, I must drag her from the bed..... as she claims "10 more minutes minutes my Love and I will get up".

Same Sh-t different girl.

But the truth of it is: this and "running late" all the time are her only faults... my list of faults are a bit longer.

(it starts with shoes in the house).

[Brad and Vika 129]

I think the sleeping late is a female thing . You will probably have to live with that. It confounds me that I sometimes am expected to provide my wife with a reason not to sleep all day

Yeah, I have had to accept this sleeping late thing, in fact right now it is 10:37 and she is still sleeping.

If she has something to do, (for her) she is up "no problem" but if it's my work or... something I want to do such as go for a hike, I must drag her from the bed..... as she claims "10 more minutes minutes my Love and I will get up".

Same Sh-t different girl.

But the truth of it is: this and "running late" all the time are her only faults... my list of faults are a bit longer.

(it starts with shoes in the house).

Yes, Vika is perpetually late, unless it is something SHE cares about. Sometimes even then.

[1HappyGuy 45]

Gee, I just thought it was my wife sleeping late unless she had something she wanted to do. This summer she discovered along with some of her friends a large mountain lake about an hour drive from our home. So, we had to get up at 5:00 AM on Saturday or Sunday to get up to the lake before all the boaters and jet skiers arrived. Those are the days when I like to sleep in until about 8:00. Nice to know I'm not alone.

[Brad and Vika 129]

Gee, I just thought it was my wife sleeping late unless she had something she wanted to do. This summer she discovered along with some of her friends a large mountain lake about an hour drive from our home. So, we had to get up at 5:00 AM on Saturday or Sunday to get up to the lake before all the boaters and jet skiers arrived. Those are the days when I like to sleep in until about 8:00. Nice to know I'm not alone.

I suspect this is a rather large club we are in.

[*JG* 2]

It's all a process. Adjustment is hard. My advice is always voice your opinions in the nicest way possible. And, yes, sometimes you have to fight it out. But, voice it. IMO if you dont' tell someone, they just don't know.

Good luck.

[Y's_habibitk 2]

And doing the housework is NOT her job, unless that was your previous agreement or maybe you are planning on having children.

Do not listen to others whose cultures may be different than yours and hers. Cultures play a big part in this.

If you are referring to me saying that is IS her job if she is not working... well, Im an american female so I dont think that my culture is different from the OP's. Im not pretending to know about his wifey's culture.. I was just speaking from my standpoint, as an american female

I think, if one spouse is not working or going to school and they are home all day.. they should take on the house as their "job" either the husband or wife. That just seems fair to me. If he is working all day then he should come home to a clean house, just like before my husband got his EAD.. I came home to a clean house everyday

[BluesTraveler 0]

they should take on the house as their "job" either the husband or wife.

This is my thinking too. I am guessing it is a cultural thing. If I wasn't working, I would be making damn sure everything was easy as possible at home. Food, laundry, ironing, cleaning, would all be done. The other half of the day I would spend searching for a job. But hey that is just me. I am really driven.

Strangely enough she doesn't sleep in. She's up at 7am everyday.

Yes. Very unreasonable. There's no reason you should be expecting her to contribute anything at all to your household or relationship. You're lucky she's there and you're privileged to have her in your presence. Whatever she "allows" you to have or do that includes her is merely a gift from above. Cherish it.

Slim, I do think your tongue is planted very firmly in your cheek.

[BluesTraveler 0]

So tried to approach the subject, maybe I used a poor choice of words, but at the end she said something along the lines of "I feel guilty for not being able to work"

Well if you feel guilty about not working, the way to feel less guilty is to do more around the house.

**blank stare**

Ok, so I holding back bedroom privileges until some things around the house get done. Let's see if she notices.

[Brad and Vika 129]

Ok, so I holding back bedroom privileges until some things around the house get done. Let's see if she notices.

Good luck with that

[Y's_habibitk 2]

So tried to approach the subject, maybe I used a poor choice of words, but at the end she said something along the lines of "I feel guilty for not being able to work"

Well if you feel guilty about not working, the way to feel less guilty is to do more around the house.

**blank stare**

Ok, so I holding back bedroom privileges until some things around the house get done. Let's see if she notices.

Did you actually say that? If you said it in a nice way, she should have gotten the message, because it actually makes sense. That is the one thing that would make me feel better if I was in her shoes.

I hope you guys sort it out quickly. I hope you really arent withholding anything from her...that might only breed resentment for you both.