dealing with a vindictive ex

[venusfire503 54]

Kids are very smart. Mine are almost 12 and 10 and they are now realizing who takes care of them and provides for their needs. They also know who comes through when they always need something. Just recently have I said do you see why you live with Mom? I had this discussion with my almsot 12 year old daughter when her father knew for almost 4 weeks that she needed 36.50 his half of her overnight camping trip for history class and he showed up and threw 12 bucks at me and said I will owe you. LOL...yeah, just like everything else I'll put it on your IOU list. She's old enough to see with her own eyes and see his games he plays now. It sounds like yours are still young and he is messing with their little minds. Just keep being a good mom and one day they will realize it on their own.

Aymsgirl,

Thank you for the encouragement. Well, the youngest really loves both parents and step-parents. The middle one, my son, loves my husband more than anyone in the world, although it seems I now tie for first place. He loves his stepmother, and his dad, too. The oldest loves all four of us, but was always kind of daddy's girl, although that seems to be changing. Her relationship with her stepfather is back and forth (considering what happened last year, though, I'm happy they get along at all), but ok over all.

The main thing is the stress all this legal BS is causing (my husband must really love me to put up with it all - but I can see it's affecting him, and I don't like that), plus the fact that I'm worried about running out of money and losing my kids and/or my house. I hate conflict, and this makes peace difficult to find. I'm praying this doesn't affect anyone's health permanently, and also that it doesn't affect my marriage any more than it already has. Also, I've always been ridiculously careful about money - not just saving more and spending less, but also making sure to do things right (pay off debt, keep a good credit record, put money away for retirement). I don't like expensive, fancy, flashy things, and don't really even leave the house much. But this is wiping me out financially with tens of thousands in legal fees (it's a good thing I've been good with money, or I would've been broke and homeless by now - or just would never see my kids).

I'm sorry to hear that you're dealing with ####### too. Why can some people be so mean? I can't imagine just messing with people - especially for no real reason. I mean, my ex was SO rotten to me during the marriage, but I wouldn't dream of retaliating for it - it's the past, and I'm just happy to be out of that situation. I definitely wouldn't use my kids - for ANY reason. I've been writing down all the ###### he pulls, and hope it works against him. For one example, he refuses to give me the kids' insurance cards - or even a photocopy of them - even though I've asked him several times. It's not like he just forgets - I could understand that - he tells me just to give his name if I have to take the kids for anything medical, and they'll look it up.

Sigh

venusfire

[JeanneVictoria 55]

Perhaps i'm wrong, but it sounds more like a control issue with him. It's about what HE wants. I would try to petition the court to have some mediation take place. It doesn't matter if he wants it or not. All you will be doing for years is fighting him on every issue concerning your children if it isn't stopped now. Document everything and try your best to have it mediated in family court. At least there will be a set of rules imposed for all concerned. Everything will be made perfectly clear with both parties agreeing.

Don't let it ruin your health or marriage.

Best of luck to you!

[doodlebugg 10]

I don't have much to add or advice to give but wanted to tell you I feel for you and I hope you can find a way to make things better at least for the kids. My ex is a pure 100% azz but one thing he's never done is threatened to take the kids or get custody. He wouldn't dare because that would mean less time for himself, his numero uno meaning in life. No more going out whenever he wants, having to actually know what grade their in and how they're doing in school. Nope that's not for him.

[morocco4ever 63]

The thoughts that came to mind on this was either he was prejudice against your husband. The other was his wife has been influencing him. After reading what you have written I tend to think it is the latter. Think about it this way. He used to be okay with the arrangement. But out of the blue he changes his mind? If he was prejudice he would actually be spending more time with the kids. But since he hasn't, and that this has come on just recently, I think she is pushing him in this direction....shame on her.

My suggestion is to keep a diary of his visits. What days he takes them, what time he picks them up, what time he drops them off when he calls for them, and all of the holidays that he doesn't attempt to take them. This will show that he is only taking them to sleep, for obvious reason. I wouldn't tell him you are keeping the diary however. But don't refuse him visitation often. You don't want him to use that against you.

Why can't people think of the kids first? That always amazes me.

[venusfire503 54]

I don't have much to add or advice to give but wanted to tell you I feel for you and I hope you can find a way to make things better at least for the kids. My ex is a pure 100% azz but one thing he's never done is threatened to take the kids or get custody. He wouldn't dare because that would mean less time for himself, his numero uno meaning in life. No more going out whenever he wants, having to actually know what grade their in and how they're doing in school. Nope that's not for him.

Doodlebug,

My ex would rather pay a babysitter, or get his wife to watch them. That's really a shame that your ex doesn't have any interest in their lives - here I was, complaining about my ex trying to know about and control everything! Neither situation is ideal, of course....

Why can't people ONLY care about the kids, instead of themselves, or being in charge/making their ex miserable?

I would die for my kids.

venusfire

[venusfire503 54]

The thoughts that came to mind on this was either he was prejudice against your husband. The other was his wife has been influencing him. After reading what you have written I tend to think it is the latter. Think about it this way. He used to be okay with the arrangement. But out of the blue he changes his mind? If he was prejudice he would actually be spending more time with the kids. But since he hasn't, and that this has come on just recently, I think she is pushing him in this direction....shame on her.

My suggestion is to keep a diary of his visits. What days he takes them, what time he picks them up, what time he drops them off when he calls for them, and all of the holidays that he doesn't attempt to take them. This will show that he is only taking them to sleep, for obvious reason. I wouldn't tell him you are keeping the diary however. But don't refuse him visitation often. You don't want him to use that against you.

Why can't people think of the kids first? That always amazes me.

Morocco4ever,

I think it's both. First of all, he was SURE my husband came for the green card - he actually said to me "well, anyone can do anything for two years". You should've seen the look on his face when my daughter ran over and told him that he got his green card. He kind of sputtered something about "wow - that was quick". You could tell he couldn't believe that my husband was still around. That was more than 2 years ago. So, I think at first, not only was I not sticking up for myself, but my ex was just waiting until my husband left so he could show how unstable my life was. He was just waiting it out, more or less.

A quick background - I filed for the visa the same day I got my divorce decree. The visa took less than 3 months, which we didn't expect. So, it turns out I was remarried only about 5 months after we signed the PSA. Yeah, it was kind of quick, but I don't regret it at all. I'm very happy, and my kids love their stepfather. See, that's another thing - I think he HATES that they love him. The kids, of course, are happy to see us when we pick them up, and I think it really bugs the ####### outta him that they run to both of us, and hug and kiss us. His predictions about my quick downfall never came to pass.

Oh - his then-girlfriend was staying there almost as soon as I moved out. They started officially living together I think around the time of my marriage (not sure - just noticed things - no one actually told me when she moved in). So, she was in the picture the whole time. I do think she's pushing him about the custody thing because she doesn't like losing out on money every month. My lawyer said if he gets 50/50 (right now he has them about 40% of the time), the child support amount will go down quite a bit. I don't know how much - never checked on it. However, since he makes 6 figures, the child support is enough to cover my mortgage (I don't make much at all), so the amount could be significant. Anyway, unlike me, the new wife LOVES to spend money. I know they've put tens of thousands in his house since I moved out. She likes to shop, get her hair done, etc - all the things I didn't do. So I think he's feeling the pinch, especially since his income might've gone down because of the economy.

So, since she's been around since the beginning, and he's gotten worse and worse, I think it's not JUST her. Also, I remember all the horrible things he's said about my husband (it started as soon as we started talking online - I was still living there with him until the divorce was final)- he's definitely prejudiced. He got mad because the kids were using a few Moroccan words (like aji) and French (bonne nuit) at his house - he told them they weren't allowed to use any more French or Arabic anymore. He refuses to let me get them passports and take them to Morocco to meet their step-family, and won't even give a reason. He did say he'd rather I use the money for their education - but then make it so I had to spend thousands on legal fees.

That's why I think it's all about the money - he doesn't want me to have the kids, but he doesn't make any attempt to spend much time with them - since it doesn't benefit him financially. He only wants them there more if it means saving money on child support. I also think he knows it bothers me, so that's extra incentive.

I have been keeping track of things for years. That's what I'm doing this weekend - printing out and organizing all the information. Good thing I saved the info - it's amazing how much of this stuff I'd forgotten!

Oh, and I've never denied him a single request of time with the kids. He's done it to me, though - and I've only asked a few times when family was coming from out of town (I didn't have any control over when they came, and it happened to fall on his weekends - if it's something I plan, I plan around the kids' schedule). My mother can only afford to come once a year, and this summer, he flat out refused to let me switch weekends or take them for a few hours. She had to completely rearrange her schedule, drive extra hours to come over (and then go back to where she was staying) to see them for a few hours later in the week when they were already with me. Trust me, I'd love to have my children here ALL of the time (I wanted to homeschool them before the divorce), but I try to be fair - and it wouldn't be fair to keep them from their father, or deny him time with them. Since I see them much more often than he does, I try not to take his time away with them. Not only are they here more days, but I'm home when they are for summer, holidays, etc (I'm a teacher). The way the schedule is arranged, he gets credit for 6 days every 2 weeks, but he really only spends 4 days with them (he has extra overnights - because I'm not greedy or a time hog).

You know, part of me wishes I had been a real b1tch during the divorce - dragging things out, taking all his money, keeping the kids more of the time, etc. But I just don't have it in me, and wouldn't feel very good about myself. Plus, I imagine it would've made things SO much harder on the wee ones, having to deal with even more tension and upheaval. I just hope the judge sees it for what it is - I just want the best for my kids, I want them to be ok, and I don't want to lose my house because of all these legal fees. He's welcome to keep the current schedule, which allows him maximum time with the children with minimal disruption in their lives (I mean, technically, he COULD have them an hour or two EVERY evening, but that's not very practical) - and also allows him to pay at least $400/mo less in child support than he should be paying (and that's without switching those overnights to me, which would make him pay more).

GRRRRR

I will ask my lawyer to point out that my ex is getting credit for 2 extra nights by picking them up right before bed once a week, and then dropping them off really early in the morning another day a week. You'd think he'd want to pick them up as early as possible instead of the last minute!

venusfire

[venusfire503 54]

Why can't people think of the kids first? That always amazes me.

That would make life better for a WHOLE bunch of kids, wouldn't it? I think it's terrible that they don't.

As far as my ex, the reason he doesn't is simple - he's a self centered, egotistical b*st*rd that only cares about himself, what he wants, and being in charge. Oh, and he also wants me to be punished for having the audacity to be happy without him.

Reminds me - when I was going through the divorce, my brother sent me this song called "She Let Herself Go" by George Strait. I'm not much into country music, but I LOVE that song! For those who aren't familiar with the song (esp those divorced ladies amongst us - or those who are friends with those who are), I recommend googling the lyrics. The beginning of the song goes like this:

He wondered how she'd take it when he said goodbye.

Thought she might do some cryin': lose some sleep at night.

But he had no idea, when he hit the road,

That without him in her life, she'd let herself go.

Let herself go on a singles cruise,

To Vegas once, then to Honolulu.

Let herself go to New York City:

A week at the Spa; came back knocked-out pretty.

When he said he didn't love her no more,

She let herself go.

heehee - I let myself go, too - to Morocco!

Peace, happiness, and love to all...

venusfire

[New Beginnings 32]

This may not work at all but what about trying to get a mediator for the whole family or family counseling, him and his wife and you and your husband. Get all of you in the same place and try to work out whatever underlying issue is there.. He's obviously holding on to something and who knows, maybe that could help!

New Beginnings,

I did try to get him to agree for the two of us to get something like that - some sort of neutral third party - last summer. He was not interested. Then again, we went to marriage counseling off and on for 5 years, and that never got anywhere.

I hope the court orders co-parenting therapy or something like that. For one thing, he thinks co-parenting = "I do what he says".

He's really horrible. The stuff I heard from the kids that I KNOW he said to/around them.... Once, my daughter said something to me, and the following day, my ex used the exact same phrase in an email he sent to me (it was about how many days I had spent in Morocco). Another time, one of the kid's teachers told me that he said something to her (about what I fed them), and it was exactly what my daughter had said to me the night before - right after spending time with her father. Other times, the kids will just come straight out and tell me that he's said things - and I don't ask them, either (and I try not to react - just change the subject after saying "well, that's not true"). While we were still married, he said all types of things to me - that there was something wrong with me and I should "get help", he claimed that I was in poor health - talked me into getting tested for diabetes (I'm actually very healthy, although I could lose a few pounds). Oh - he told the kids I was in the hospital and needed surgery because I didn't take care of myself - I had an appendectomy, which has nothing to do with how you take care of yourself!

Anyway, sorry to ramble on - I'm just so IRRITATED with him, and the closer it gets to the court date, the more irritated I get.

On top of it all, I know he is teaching the kids bad things. He's one of those people who will do whatever it takes to get what he wants, and doesn't care who it hurts, if it's moral or legal, etc. I don't think he's the best influence on them, so I guess it's good that he always shoves them off onto babysitters or their friends' families - or has playdates at his house, knowing they'll more or less be out of the way.

I'm so happy that he hasn't managed to turn them against me and my husband, at least. They know we really love them.

I think the teachers, doctors, etc see through him too.

Anyway, I appreciate the help and support everyone!

venusfire

Well it sounds like you've kind of wracked your brain trying to think of things to make it better and unfortunately nothing seems to work with this guy. I'm support therapy 100% so sorry if I sound like a broken record here If he's not willing to overcome this I wonder if it would do your kids good to be in some sort of therapy. It sounds like you're doing such a good job at trying to keep things normal for them but learning techniques for dealing with this type of controversy might be helpful.

I really feel for you, I can't imagine having to deal with all of that stuff. We're all behind you!!

[venusfire503 54]

New Beginnings,

Thank you so much! I really appreciate all the help and support I get from you and everyone else here.

Sorry I took so long to get back - I had a stupid laptop mishap late last night.... still trying to save it (and all my data). I'm using the regular computer now... The worst part is that I can't access many of the files I saved to use for court I hope to be able to recover them.

That's a good idea - it's exactly what I want, need, and have been trying to find out - how to deal with all of us. And, if possible, what I can do to try to defuse the situation, at least somewhat. Sigh. I'll see what I can do.

The good news is, it's time to pick the wee ones up - YAY!!!!! I miss them when they're not here.

I hope everyone is having a good Sunday.

venusfire

[brnidokiegurl 0]

i didnt read thur all but got the jest, i think you will find its all about the money. My youngest sons dad came off like oh the good dad, i want set up visits etc etc....i didnt feel this was good for many reasons i wont get into so i did keep him from him a couple of time, got called in by the courts and always got the raw end of the deal. UNTIL the last time he had him for a visit and he didnt bring him home, i called and knew he was drunk so i went to get him. My son was only 4/5 at the door so i opened it and took him and ran, because i knew if he saw me he would kill me. I had already called the cops to no results, called his boss who did show up. Once he saw what i did he was going to get a gun but the boss stepped in and told me to leave. So i go to court to get SUPERIVSED visition (now the trick) get everyone you know thta knows the situation to show up at the court, his family, his friends, yours, etc. He wouldnt even come in the court room, sent in his lawyer with a message he would sign off his rights if i didnt expect child support. It just went to prove what i had been trying to tell everyone, he didnt want his son he was being mean towards me by the only hold he had over me. Its the money.........

[venusfire503 54]

Many thanks to everyone for their encouragement and support. I've been absent from here for a few days because I'm getting prepared for court on Monday and Tuesday. I hope to have good news when I return....

venusfire

[doodlebugg 10]

good luck!

[venusfire503 54]

Thank you so much, doodlebugg!

venusfire

[Bajih 4]

VenusFire- Just read through this thread. I am sorry you are going through this. It is so stressful to be in a situation like that-and then to try to keep your chin up in front of the kids. It is good that you are documenting everything. You may be able to use this one day.

Counseling would be a great idea if you can pay for it or if your insurance covers it. I was (and still am!) in therapy over the antics of my ex. It was so nice to be able to talk to someone and he was able to give me hope and help with coping techniques.

Keep us posted on what happens this week. Our prayers are with you!

Baj

[Sandrila 1]

Lemme just say it is not my EX husband who is vindictive but HIS father.

It has been years of pain, disrespect and undermining from this old man

What I deal with my ex father in law is worse than any power struggle that may have occured

with my ex husband.