The First Year...

[SimoAndYvette 0]

Hello All!

It is Sunday night...almost the start of a new week, and I was wondering about everyone's first year actually living with one another....no more computers, no more webcams, no more Skype, International long distance calls...just husband and wife ACTUALLY living together: The Good (hope it is mostly this), the Bad and the Ugly - you know NORMAL married life!

We are coming up on one year Nov. 7th, and was just wondering how it is/was for everyone.

We had a pretty harsh 1st three months, especially the first month until my husband found work (think really big roller coaster ride...lots of ups and downs - that was definitely US! ) We knew the cultural and religious differences would be hard to adjust to, but did not KNOW how hard they would be. After that is was just getting to know what it is like to live with someone, and their quirks and "must haves" and "Do not do's"... that kind of thing. At one point at about the third month, I was actually MISSING the nights on the computer, when it was still the "Honeymoon phase" - I know you all remember that time!

Teaching him about how things are done here was actually fun - he did not resist it soo much, and since he is pretty independent he ventured out quite a bit. The first time I had to go find him after he got lost on the bus was funny....I asked him where he was and he gave me the name of a credit union and that was it....I had to look it up; there he was sitting on a planter waiting for me like it was the most natural thing! He had his driver's license and car within 2 months of getting here, so the bus thing did not last very long, but that is not to say the getting lost thing didn't!

I knew my husband was ULTRA responsible, but I had no idea the extreme it went to. If he knows anyone has an issue or problem, he immediately tries to fix it for them. It is one of the many things I love about him, yet I worry about him too. He tends to always put himself last. He goes silent on me (drives me CRAZY )...he doesn't yell or argue, and I do not need like to fight, but I definitely need to settle things quick. I do not sit on issues and let them fester, and I get over things quick...he is totally the opposite. He can go days and days without saying a word!

Now, we just have this ordinary married life, saving to buy a house and hopefully send our son to Morocco with my mother-in-law when she returns there in a few weeks. So....now we are about to end our first year together in Colorado and am looking forward to each day (other than the silent ones! )

So tell me about yours.....can't wait to hear from you all!

Yvette

[brnidokiegurl 0]

Our first year wont end until the end of January and it has been very much an experience. Mine is very hard headed, you can tell him something, he doesnt listen until a time later then he will say awwwwww now i get it, or he gets it when someone else tells him the same thing. He just changed jobs, got his first good check and so is on his way for that, got his drivers lic but really wont venture far from the normal routes. All in all its been ok, some good some not so good but now he works nights so is gone time i get home, sounds bad but it gives each some free time and not someone attached to your side all the time. I was getting a little tired of the (teacher) mode in everything but it is getting better

[R and F 34]

I believe that by me living with Farid for a year in Morocco really got our married life to a great start here in the US.

He found a job almost immediately and he got his drivers license. We spend all of our free time together and we are still staying with my parents till I can get a permanent job and we can move back into my home that I am renting now. We got married in Jan of 2008 and I believe I made a great choice with Farid. I am hoping that things continue as they are now and we can live a good live together. The cultural differences have been minumum and I keep my religion and he keeps his. Oh and sometimes he does put his food on the accelerator instead of the brakes but I keep reminding him that he it is not his fault that he got his drivers license at the flea market.

[ya falaha! 0]

Our first year was ROUGH. Hell our first two years weren't so hot all together. We're on 2.5 and it's now easier. Patience is the key. It does get better, trust me.

[JeanneVictoria 55]

I too believe by having the chance to live with Wael before he came stateside certainly helped in our relationship. There were no surprises. He's the same now as he was then. His adjustment to the states was awesome. I also think what helped was having goals and then implementing them. He didn't rush into everything at once, took his time, and now he is confident and assured in reaching these goals.

He's been here 2 yrs and the time has passed so quickly. If he or I have a problem we talk it out. We've been doing that since we met which is the blessings of all blessings!! He can be stubborn, yet so can I. We just try to work out things before they can be misunderstood or out of hand.

This journey has been more than stressful for all of us going thru the visa process.

Petitions, documents, interviews, A/P, A/R, aprroved or not, RFE's, visits to and from, cultural

changes, DOS, USCIS, name checks, yahoo, skype, msn, calling cards, expensive phone bills, depression, crying, missing them....it could go on and on. My goal was to try to help him in the

best way to adjust without more stress. I was tired of feeling so stressed out all the time dealing

with everyone we had to deal with just to obtain his visa. We certainly didn't want more anxiety

and stress in our marriage. We worked and are still working hard together to make our life as

peaceful as possible.

May you have peace and joy in your marriage!!! Good luck to everyone.

[Muh and me 18]

This week Wensday will be 2 years that K has been here, it sure has been a roller coaster of ups and downs. But when it comes down to it all, we both love each other and thats what matters the most .

[UmmSqueakster 54]

Has AbuS really one of the MENA SOs here the longest?

My keys to a healthy relationship that only took me 4 years and 9 days to figure out:

*Eat dinner together a few nights a week, if not every night

*Cook breakfast together on the weekends

*adopt a pet you both like and then smother him/her with love

*Watch a tv show or movie together at least once a week

*Watch a documentary together and discuss

*Read a book together and discuss

*Find common interests and keep talking about them

*Go for walks at least once a week

*Turn off the TV and computer, especially if you find that one of you is on the tv and the other is on the computer

*Set long term financial goals along with a concrete plan of how to reach them, and then work together to make it happen

*Get out of the house and have some alone time each week, especially if you're both homebodies. Volunteering is good. I'm starting at a cat shelter (of course) and AbuS is looking into Big Brother, Big Sister.

[UmmSqueakster 54]

Also - yes, it does suck and yes, it can get better but only if you *both* realize that

a) you didn't marry an american

B ) he didn't marry a woman from backhomelandia

c) you've gotta meet somewhere in the middle and you *both* have to work on it

Of course, if he's happy becoming an american, or you're happy becoming a woman from backhomelandia, then great, I'm happy for you. But, even if you try that, there will still be some underlying cultural tensions.

Edited October 12, 2009 by UmmSqueakster

[Y's_habibitk 2]

This week Wensday will be 2 years that K has been here, it sure has been a roller coaster of ups and downs. But when it comes down to it all, we both love each other and thats what matters the most .

your grandson is a DOLL!!

Yazied has been here 5 months, so I will come and post in another 7 with our updates

These 5 months have been wonderful and we are adjusting nicely and easily to being a newly married couple living together, thank God.

Great topic, I like reading everyones experiences and advise.

Also - yes, it does suck and yes, it can get better but only if you *both* realize that

a) you didn't marry an american

B ) he didn't marry a woman from backhomelandia

c) you've gotta meet somewhere in the middle and you *both* have to work on it

Of course, if he's happy becoming an american, or you're happy becoming a woman from backhomelandia, then great, I'm happy for you. But, even if you try that, there will still be some underlying cultural tensions.

at backhomelandia

[SimoAndYvette 0]

Thank you everyone for your responses....

You know one other thing....in all this, I had some pretty horrible things happen this year with my family: I had an uncle diagnosed with terminal cancer, and while dealing with his cancer his wife my beloved aunt passed away. It was devastating to us all!! My husband totally stepped in and took care of everything for us here at home and helped with funeral arrangements, made sure my cousins and uncle were okay....when it was all over, I was sitting home one night and I suddenly realized for the first time ever, I wasn't alone! Everything wasn't up to me to fix or get through alone...I turn around, and there he is! THAT has been the most amazing part of this year, no matter what I turn around and Said is there!

Hope to hear from more of you!

Take care all!

[Sandrila 1]

Nov 14 will be 1 year since hubby has arrived.

I certainly thought once the visa was in hand and he came that it would be all smooth sailing.

We had a very rough period of time, which thank GOD over the last few months have straightened out.

He did get a job within 6 weeks of arriving. Thank God for that! It gave him something to do, made him feel good about himself and he could help contribute to the household.

I am feeling more settled and hopeful these days. I certainly didn't go thru all this just to see it go down the tubes but it does take alot of talking and it is quite different living as a married couple face to face as opposed to thru a webcam for 1-2+ years.

He doesn't have his license but right now he doesn't need it.

We help each other out and he is learning more about what is available to him here, what he likes and what he may want to do in the future.

The first major thing for him will be to go back home, MAY 2010.

I feel that at first I thought the "visa" process was such a pain and stress, however, I didn't realize what was in store for me when he arrived and we go thru the adjustment and actually living together.

It is my hubby's first marriage and with the cultural differences that played a MAJOR role.

Not having been with a woman, dated or married certainly means there is alot of learning and compromising that needs to be had.

Well Good Luck All.

I have to say this has been one hell of a year for me in alot of ways and I just ask GOD to bring more

peace, happiness and prosperity to all of us who need it!

[sara535 15]

I'm not going to list out all our ups and downs but I am with Moody on this one, it was more like 2 years for us to settle in and work out the kinks. the rough times were rough, I wont sugar coat it, and I wasnt always sure we would make it, but right now we are one month away from our 5th anniversary. So those of you who find the adjustment period MUCH harder than you expected, take heart

[ya falaha! 0]

I appreciate your honesty, Sara. We've had those not sure we're gonna make it moments, too. We've been together 5 yrs, married nearly 4. We still have ups and downs, but don't all marriages? Or at least most? I thought the "visa journey" was the worst but never expected that living day to day life would actually be the most difficult. I laugh now when I remember myself back in those "vj" days. What a wuss I was!

I have no real advice to give as what works for us may not work for anyone else. I will say that an open line of communication is real important. Also, lots of understanding on both ends. Some common interests help. I know this is TMI but an active/exciting sex life doesn't hurt either.

I'm not going to list out all our ups and downs but I am with Moody on this one, it was more like 2 years for us to settle in and work out the kinks. the rough times were rough, I wont sugar coat it, and I wasnt always sure we would make it, but right now we are one month away from our 5th anniversary. So those of you who find the adjustment period MUCH harder than you expected, take heart

[angie & abed 1]

On Friday, Abed will have been here for a year. Amazing how fast it has gone by. I agree with what everyone else is saying, it has its ups and downs. We had (and still do sometimes) have communication problems, I misunderstand what he is saying and vice versa. In fact, the second week he was here, right after our daughter's 1st birthday, I told him I wanted to do his adjustment of status to get his 10 yr green card and then I wanted a divorce. I won't go into why, as that's private, but we worked through that and a few other "big ones" and I think we are stronger for it. Even though I have never been married before, I think all in all, our marriage isn't that different than any other marriage out there, except for some cultural differences. I have to remind him all the time I am his WIFE, not his mommy...apparently I am supposed to be superwoman like she was, thank God she will be here in 2 weeks (!!!) to set him straight. Seems lately most our differences involve how we are raising the girls. His fave argument is that they aren't American. I don't even want to get started on that one... But, through all of it, I am crazy in love with him and I know he is crazy in love with me ...we wouldn't have put up with each other otherwise!

Anyway, best advice I can give, COMMUNICATION is key, talk talk talk with each other! Oh, and like Astarte said, the sex life is pretty important too!

God bless all your marriages and may He keep them strong and happy!

[Aymsgirl 0]

I appreciate your honesty, Sara. We've had those not sure we're gonna make it moments, too. We've been together 5 yrs, married nearly 4. We still have ups and downs, but don't all marriages? Or at least most? I thought the "visa journey" was the worst but never expected that living day to day life would actually be the most difficult. I laugh now when I remember myself back in those "vj" days. What a wuss I was!

I have no real advice to give as what works for us may not work for anyone else. I will say that an open line of communication is real important. Also, lots of understanding on both ends. Some common interests help. I know this is TMI but an active/exciting sex life doesn't hurt either.

I'm not going to list out all our ups and downs but I am with Moody on this one, it was more like 2 years for us to settle in and work out the kinks. the rough times were rough, I wont sugar coat it, and I wasnt always sure we would make it, but right now we are one month away from our 5th anniversary. So those of you who find the adjustment period MUCH harder than you expected, take heart

I agree We've been together almost 4 years and he has been here 1.5 years. It has been total work for both of us but I agree with you Astarte...you make a lot of sense.