Am I Giving Her Hard time

[Lancelotte25 1]

Hey guys, I just wanna consult something from all of you, my wife is my petitioner we are currently in the NVC process right now.

We are using attorney because she said she don't have time to file all the required documents and she is afraid to make mistakes, from the very first time I told her that it's very easy, just like the guys here at VJ, I Sent her all the required links for guide to see all the necessary informations that I found here in VJ but it seems like she just ignored those links and she doesn't even give me any feedbacks.

I consulted some of the guys here and they all told me the same answer that lawyer in not necessary and in some cases it will delay your case,but she insisted and I let her do things she wants.

Now, the NVC sents the AOS bill and IV Application Processing Fee to our atty on Oct. 5, and I asked my wife who will pay the amount? and she said, she will be the one who will pay, then I gave her the link on how to pay online but she refuses to pay online because she said it's not safe. I told her most of the applicants are paying online and there is no problem but still she doesn't want it, I told her to call the Atty. and let the atty pay the bills and we will just pay her back, she agreed with me.

Two days after our conversation, she haven't contacted the Atty. the reason she gave me was she is very busy.

She told me again last night that she will try to call our atty. on Friday.

Three days passed and we haven't done anything with the bills, I mean, Three days is a big deal because we already wasted it.

Sometimes, I am thinking that she doesn't care that much to make the whole process be expedited.

What do you think guys, Am I pushing her too much?

Do I really just have to accept the fact that she is a very busy woman and doesn't have time with our papers?

[Mefrie 1]

Yeah, it does kind of sound like you are bugging her too much about it... she sounds rather confused and overwhelmed by the process and it's understandable to be afraid of making mistakes. Just think of that as proof of how much she loves you...she doesn't want to screw up the process of getting to keep you here. We also opted for an attorney for this same reason.

Okay, so it looks like you've been in the immigration process for a while now, so you KNOW the government is gonna take months or years to approves stuff anyway, so, like, don't freak out over two or three days. Unless you are coming up on a deadline of some sort, just relax a bit. Two or three weeks may be a big deal, two or three days is not. Maybe you could offer to take her cash and go get a money order and send it off or something? But don't destroy the love you have by sweating the small stuff and nagging about it all the time....

[Lancelotte25 1]

Yeah, it does kind of sound like you are bugging her too much about it... she sounds rather confused and overwhelmed by the process and it's understandable to be afraid of making mistakes. Just think of that as proof of how much she loves you...she doesn't want to screw up the process of getting to keep you here. We also opted for an attorney for this same reason.

Okay, so it looks like you've been in the immigration process for a while now, so you KNOW the government is gonna take months or years to approves stuff anyway, so, like, don't freak out over two or three days. Unless you are coming up on a deadline of some sort, just relax a bit. Two or three weeks may be a big deal, two or three days is not. Maybe you could offer to take her cash and go get a money order and send it off or something? But don't destroy the love you have by sweating the small stuff and nagging about it all the time....

Thanks for your qoute there Mefrie. Maybe you are right, what is 3 to 5 days delay considering we've waited for almost 1 and a half year before we filed our I-130.

Thanks!!

[brnidokiegurl 0]

BUT the rest of the process can move along easy and swift now, it just needs to be addressed and continued on at a steady pace (but im talking without the lawer, so not sure with that detail)

[Lancelotte25 1]

BUT the rest of the process can move along easy and swift now, it just needs to be addressed and continued on at a steady pace (but im talking without the lawer, so not sure with that detail)

Yes.. that's what I am trying to tell my wife, because for sure we are not the only client she got. Our papers might stay in her office for a few days unlike if my wife will pay thru the online payment,there it goes, just one click away and we are done.

[UN-KNOWN 0]

BUT the rest of the process can move along easy and swift now, it just needs to be addressed and continued on at a steady pace (but im talking without the lawer, so not sure with that detail)

Yes.. that's what I am trying to tell my wife, because for sure we are not the only client she got. Our papers might stay in her office for a few days unlike if my wife will pay thru the online payment,there it goes, just one click away and we are done.

I think your wife needs to do things fast bcz we are also using attorney and bcz of our stupid attorney we stucked 4 months in NVC . Your wife need to make them work bcz you are paying them .

Thanks .

[PrincEva 0]

I am not using an attorney because my friend had the same problem of it being stuck in NVC for about 4 months. Attorneys who do immigration services have several people and never seem personal.

My friends experience was that her attorney was too impersonal and never was on top of requesting for the necessary paperwork until weeks later.

I think it comes down to confidence in being able to do it right. It can be overwhelming for a lot of people. It also depends on how comfortable your wife may be with handling paperwork. I myself hate paperwork, but can do it, but others who are not used to filling out federal government forms, etc., can have a problem.

Just wait my friend. Once you come to the US and try to do your taxes all by yourself, you will realize why your wife opted for the attorney. Or why accontants in the US make so much money during tax time.

I filed everything myself because I actually wanted to learn the process and have the time to do this and that and sit and post on VJ

It's also ok to feel a little confused, but I think most of us Americans have learned to keep busy with work so the days go by a lot faster and we can see our loved ones again

[AbbynSheryl 0]

our visa process was so wonderful bcz me n my wife shared doings together, reading the vj and asking question was fun, u both suppose to do it together, pushing is good things and it will make u more closer, good luck, that is my opinion and u r not pushing it too hard, abby n sheryl

[Old Dominion 26]

Without having any more information, I'd advise giving your wife the space and time she needs. Anyone with a decent job in the US is working very very hard right now. That's a fact of life, and in my limited experience in the Phils and Africa, I observed an entirely different, more relaxed pace. I wouldn't even ask her again when she plans to get around to it. I'm sure it's at the very top of her list to fix as soon as she can get a breather and focus on how to go about it. If not, then the two of you need to think about your future together -- but give her a couple of weeks to get focused.

Not everyone is comfortable, yet, with handling financial transactions online because there are so many cases of identity theft and phony internet withdrawals from bank accounts. Accept her cautiousness as part of who she is. And don't get the habit of comparing her with others who may think and act differently.

That's my opinion, anyway, and that's what you requested here. It will all work out, maybe more slowly than you want, but maybe you need to find something else to occupy your time rather than obsessing about this.

Edited October 10, 2009 by Old Dominion

[SuperDuper! 230]

our visa process was so wonderful bcz me n my wife shared doings together, reading the vj and asking question was fun, u both suppose to do it together, pushing is good things and it will make u more closer, good luck, that is my opinion and u r not pushing it too hard, abby n sheryl

I totally agree, abby. It's a team effort, and it's ok to push each other a little to expedite the paperworks and get a real "team feel" and great sense of accomplishment. Compare it to a superbowl game: Each team member pushes the other to fire them up and bring out the best in each. When you expect the best from someone, that is what you usually get!

Itz

[illnevergetthis 5]

You can go online and pay the fees. In the drop down, it ask who is paying. Just a thought. Maybe that will relieve some stress for both of you.

[gmjdmj 2]

I understand the sense of being patient but as far as I am concerned, we are all busy. If I have to loose sleep, or get up earlier than I need to, or whatever I have to do to get my fiance to me as soon as I possibly can, that is what I am going to do. He is my number one priority. I know that she is overwhelmed, but who isn't? This process is complicated, emotional, stressful...and let's face it...no one wants to be apart from their loved one...one more day than they have to..

[thongd4me 69]

...

We are using attorney because she said she don't have time to file all the required documents and she is afraid to make mistakes, from the very first time I told her that it's very easy, just like the guys here at VJ, I Sent her all the required links for guide to see all the necessary informations that I found here in VJ but it seems like she just ignored those links and she doesn't even give me any feedbacks.

I consulted some of the guys here and they all told me the same answer that lawyer in not necessary and in some cases it will delay your case,but she insisted and I let her do things she wants.

...

Two days after our conversation, she haven't contacted the Atty. the reason she gave me was she is very busy.

She told me again last night that she will try to call our atty. on Friday.

Three days passed and we haven't done anything with the bills, I mean, Three days is a big deal because we already wasted it.

Sometimes, I am thinking that she doesn't care that much to make the whole process be expedited.

What do you think guys, Am I pushing her too much?

Do I really just have to accept the fact that she is a very busy woman and doesn't have time with our papers?

You and I have a dissimilar visa journey, so I will leave it to your other friends who made appropriate comments on that.

The deeper question is that you have made a request for comments on the behavior of your wife,

yet you are the only one to truly evaluate that.

What you seem to be saying is that you are frustrated by your wife's style of communication and

seem to think that 1) she is wasting time 2) shouldn't be using a lawyer 3) your opinions have not

been respected regarding 1) & 2) and overall, your actual position in her life seems to be a few notches

below other concerns (work, friends, immediate family) that she may have at this time. However,

since you are already married and going through an AOS process, somehow she doesn't seem to

be including you under the heading of "immediate family" and it hurts, as you have said so.

I am divorced and am ready to admit that when I went into my first marriage, I had all kinds of

illusions about what she was and what she might become and how I thought she was going to change.

In the end, the bottom line should have been: what you see is what you get. If there are unresolved

issues before you marry, you have to be pretty confident that they will either be easily resolved, or

else just be content with the status quo, i.e. what you got. It's not likely to change unless BOTH have

recognized the problem as a problem and have a firm commitment to resolving it.

My fiancee and I discuss absolutely everything and avoid such terms as "always" and "never"

(meaning positions that we can't modify or back down from). Instead of thinking one way about

important problems we try to consult the other and give that equal weight to our own feeling.

I'm sure things will never be 100% perfect in that nobody ever gets 100% of what they feel

they need from another, whether it's family or a colleague or whoever. One thing for sure is

that we both feel that "what we got is what we can accept" because we don't dwell on how the

other can change. You have to like what you have, both the good and the bad. That, instead

of thinking that the other person is your "ideal" is the healthier way to have a relationship.

This works for us and I think both of you have a little "relationship journey" to go on before

you know what works for you two.

Best of luck & Peace.

TD4Me

[Old Dominion 26]

Agreed. A three-day delay in getting the job done is one thing, but pestering her over the short delay is another. Each presents an opportunity and a challenge for a non-threatening discussion of "why?"

Unfortunately, many of us would just love to have a real 40-hour work week, 8-5 p.m. Monday-Friday. Good-paying jobs in this economy don't allow that luxury. Six employees may be doing the work of ten or twelve, just to keep the organization afloat. Medical practitioners from overseas are burning themselves out hoping to retire early and return home.

I have immigrant friends from several third world countries who find the work environment so stressful they have begun plans to return home. Home, to all of them, means the likelihood of no job at all. But they can spend more (if not all) their time making the daily rounds to visit friends and keep in touch.

Given the information provided by the OP, I can only assume that he's insensitive or unaware of the realities of the workplace here, or otherwise he'd give her the time she needs (gosh, at least a week!) before nagging and complaining.

[thongd4me 69]

...

Given the information provided by the OP, I can only assume that he's insensitive or unaware of the realities of the workplace here, or otherwise he'd give her the time she needs (gosh, at least a week!) before nagging and complaining.

On the question of "what is reasonable" the previous poster brought another question for the OP to mind:

How much of the delay is attributable to the petitioner and how much is due to the normal delays

associated with using an attorney? Since the OP is not the petitioner the decision of whether to use

an attorney was never in his hands (he could have had a say in that but it's clear he didn't).

The OP will have to learn to be more patient and that should be a behavior/trend that he

will have to integrate into the relationship. If he can't accept that level of frustration, then

he has to start thinking how long that will last. Forever is a long time.