Where is the depressed forum?

[sachinky 465]

Haha. That's what my husband said.

[hindocha 0]

Depression doesn't even cover how i'm feeling right now

[mrsemcee 1]

i hear you hindocha!

i am so depressed and well, i feel like some days, i want to end it all.

i know this is not nice to say, but its true.

you see, i confronted my husband, for the third time, to look for a job, because i am only working part time here in australia and i am really struggling with bills and its becoming overwhelming because im scared of moving to america and him never getting a job, as he hasnt had one for three years.

he seems to like it that way too.

anyway, so the confrontation didnt go well, and he got really mad and made a lot of excuses and just shut me down really. i tried again, and also spoke to his mom, as he is living with his parents right now, and his dad is co sponsoring us, but my husband is 36 ok... and i am 28, and i am doing my best to work and get my #### over there, but he still wont work or look for work and makes a million excuses when i ask him to at least try, or even ask family or friends if anyone has work for him.

so i sort of gave him the ultimatum.. well, i dont know yet, but i told him i cannot be in a marriage that is one sided, and i am not going to be the only one supporting us, and it was all basically because he thinks once i get to america i will work and cover both of us, and i dont want that.

of course it is my fault for marrying someone who has not worked for so long, and honestly i didnt see it as an issue at the time because he told me he wanted to work, but was having trouble getting work.. but since having him in australia with me, then him wanting to go back to america in june to find work, and he hasnt made an effort in the 4 months since.. i am so worried that its just him, and he will never get the motivation.

money isnt everything of course, but i cannot possibly do it all on my own forever, finance wise i mean, and i cannot move to america with all these debts here in australia on my shoulders and a husband who brings in no money at all.

on top of that, i refuse to live with his parents.

he could have stayed in australia and i could have been working full time by now, but no, he wanted to go back to america, to work, and he hasnt, and ive tried three times now to discuss it, and it shouldnt be hard.. if he loves me and wants me there, then he should do it.. find any old job... but he wont.

what should i do?

i told him i cant come without the promise of him working and supporting us too, but he shuts me out and doesnt answer my calls.. and then sends me nasty emails if i mention it again, or tells me he is so depressed and will hurt himself.

reading over this, i know what i would say to someone else in my situation, but being MY situation.. im scared.

i love him, but i cant live like this.

and i will most definitely have to postpone moving to america, or not go at all, if my husband wont listen, communicate and reason with me on such an important issue.

i feel like vomiting.

[lgg 2]

I'm going to PM you, okay Donna?

[Wyatt's Torch 45]

You know, Mrsemcee, I'm no psychologist, but here's my $.02 anyhow.

The knee-jerk reaction for most people will be that your husband is an unmotivated bum and that you SHOULD give him an ultimatum and make no bones about it. And maybe that IS the best course of action. But it sounds to me like HE is severely depressed...of the clinical variety. I'm not saying you need to be patient with him and place no expectations on him etc., but I think he's going to need some help and positive reinforcement from somewhere. It sounds like he has bottomed out in life, and rather than turn to the bottle or find some other escape, he has simply shut down. Having a wife in a different hemisphere contributes to that.

I think he needs to find something to occupy him. If it's not work, then perhaps he needs to look at taking some courses. Perhaps you can give him a soft ultimatum, but one with a promise at the end of it. "I'm coming no matter what, but if you respect me, and if you truly love me, you will show me by taking a few courses or making an effort to broaden yourself."

Depression can be pretty debilitating, and from what you've described, it sounds like he has all the earmarks of TRUE depression. I think the best thing you can do is to make sure he knows that you are there -- that you are his anchor -- but that you need him to try to fight his way out of it, and get help if needed.

Again, I'm no psychologist, but I think he needs you more than you might think. It's up to you whether or not it's worth the long process of coddling combined with the headache of immigration. Good luck.

[mrsemcee 1]

Thanks for that, but he does drink too... So I'm pretty sure that's not helping either.

I know what you're saying and I've really tried that angle....

He still gets mad and tells me either not to call him or "who has put you up to this" in relation to me asking him to work, or that I care more about money than him??

Everytime I ask him what's wrong, it's a different excuse as to why he can't work.

I'm worried he has done something really bad with the law and won't tell me?

He gets so touchy when I try to ask but then bombards me with mad and angry emails if I try to say I need you to work!!!!

[sachinky 465]

I'm sorry, Donna. Have you tried talking to either one of his parents? Maybe they can reach out to him better?

[lgg 2]

I must say Donna... I sent you a PM going further into detail but... a marriage cannot be be based solely on LOVE and attraction -- there has to be the financial plan that works, there has to be the agreements between two people that they both agree with -- this sounds to me like it's missing a whole lot of foundation work you know?

You should not have to go into debt, you should not have to be the sole bread winner if it is not your wish. Hell if I were a doctor or someone makeing a couple hundred thousand a year i'd be like, sure I don't care. But if it's not the case? You both need to agree as to what will be.

The fact that you have these fears and the fact that he refused to discuss it rationally are both bad signs and I have to say, I concur with what Wyatt had to say. Open your eyes fully and have a good long look at where you will be leaping -- your life is important and you need to be happy and fulfilled.

I wish you the best,

LGG

[FinnLove 0]

Mrs. Emcee-I agree with Wyatt's Torch. I really think you need to have a long talk with his parents-especially since he's said he's depressed and could hurt himself. Since he lives with them, they need to intervene (even if he's in his 30s). And with the economy over here (depending on where you're going to live), it may be very hard for you to find a job right away. Something needs to be done. See what his parents think and if they see signs of depression. I hope this has a happy ending, but you also have to think of yourself. Coming over here in that situation is not going to make things better. I don't know what else to tell you, but keep bugging the hell out of his parents.

[JustJ 0]

Donna, if you need a shoulder to cry on, you can call me anytime. Just PM me and I'll give you my number, okay?

You guys have some serious stuff to work out. His part of the country is extremely rural, and I would think this recession hasn't been real good for the few jobs that exist there. Maybe he's dealing with issues of his own.

Buzz me if you need me.

Julie

[carolynhotstuff 252]

I also agree with Wyatt's Torch. Depression can come out of no where. Many times family and friends don't even notice anything is wrong they just think the person is sad or upset and don't realize that depression is a serious illness if left untreated. Many people that suffer with depression have an imbalance in their brain and as I said the depression can start at any time for any reason and it might never go away but through proper medication and treatment the person can in time be happy again and live a normal life.

He may not realize that he has a problem with depression that needs to me treated. Many people are afraid to ask for help because society says if they have mental or emotional problems they must be crazy. Many other people don't realize that there is medication that can help them to feel better but it takes time. Some of the medications take weeks to build up in the bloodstream and start working.

Maybe you can talk to his parents and be honest with them about his saying he will hurt himself. Anyone that says that needs to be put in the hospital right away for treatment. If he won't go to the hospital a good place for them to take him is the family doctor. The doctor can listen to his problems and judge what the next step in his treatment should be.

Depression is an illness just like cancer and like cancer it won't go away without treatment. He is also under a lot of stress and pressure. He must feel like he is failing you badly and stress only makes depression worse and makes the person act out of control. You might not understand that he can't control the anger he directs at you. He sounds like he needs help and I know it's a lot to ask of a young woman to try to understand what I am saying. You can look up depression on the internet and read about it. See if he's showing the signs of depression for yourself then act. You are his wife and I know you love him. See about getting him some medical help before you give up on him.

[M -and- A 3]

I agree with much of what the last few posters have said. If someone is threatening harm to themselves they need professional help immediately.

Please try to keep in mind that I recognize you are in a fragile situation, and nothing I say is intended to place blame; I am only sharing observations.

It sounds like your communication skills could use some help. If you are nagging him to get a job, his response as you describe is basically textbook. You may not think you're nagging him, but that's likely how he sees it. If you truly love him, you must learn to communicate effectively with him. You must learn to step out of your own shoes, and forgo what your "needs" are (for him to get a job), and look to fulfilling his needs. Did you take a vow to love him through sickness and health, richer and poorer? This is what it's all about.

[mrsemcee 1]

I also agree with Wyatt's Torch. Depression can come out of no where. Many times family and friends don't even notice anything is wrong they just think the person is sad or upset and don't realize that depression is a serious illness if left untreated. Many people that suffer with depression have an imbalance in their brain and as I said the depression can start at any time for any reason and it might never go away but through proper medication and treatment the person can in time be happy again and live a normal life.

He may not realize that he has a problem with depression that needs to me treated. Many people are afraid to ask for help because society says if they have mental or emotional problems they must be crazy. Many other people don't realize that there is medication that can help them to feel better but it takes time. Some of the medications take weeks to build up in the bloodstream and start working.

Maybe you can talk to his parents and be honest with them about his saying he will hurt himself. Anyone that says that needs to be put in the hospital right away for treatment. If he won't go to the hospital a good place for them to take him is the family doctor. The doctor can listen to his problems and judge what the next step in his treatment should be.

Depression is an illness just like cancer and like cancer it won't go away without treatment. He is also under a lot of stress and pressure. He must feel like he is failing you badly and stress only makes depression worse and makes the person act out of control. You might not understand that he can't control the anger he directs at you. He sounds like he needs help and I know it's a lot to ask of a young woman to try to understand what I am saying. You can look up depression on the internet and read about it. See if he's showing the signs of depression for yourself then act. You are his wife and I know you love him. See about getting him some medical help before you give up on him.

i will do that, thanks. i am contacting his mother. i have a psychology degree so i most definitely know about depression and my own mother suffers from it too... but thanks

I agree with much of what the last few posters have said. If someone is threatening harm to themselves they need professional help immediately.

Please try to keep in mind that I recognize you are in a fragile situation, and nothing I say is intended to place blame; I am only sharing observations.

It sounds like your communication skills could use some help. If you are nagging him to get a job, his response as you describe is basically textbook. You may not think you're nagging him, but that's likely how he sees it. If you truly love him, you must learn to communicate effectively with him. You must learn to step out of your own shoes, and forgo what your "needs" are (for him to get a job), and look to fulfilling his needs. Did you take a vow to love him through sickness and health, richer and poorer? This is what it's all about.

thanks for the concern and words, and yes, i understand what you may be thinking, only having a snippet of our story on here, but i am most definitely a good communicator, and i came here as i am at my wits end.

i have tried in every way possible to communicate with him and have given him more than 3 chances to do it on his own, or softly tell him he might need to find work, and it hasnt worked. i have offered my own help, even applied for jobs for him, asked his family members to help him find work... i have also completed the WHOLE immigration process on my own, by getting his mother to mail all the stuff he needed to provide to me... and then on top of that, financially supported him by sending him money.

my needs? sorry, but that is a bit harsh. my needs arent just for him to get a job, its more than that, its about communication, like you said, and i communicate very well with him, but he on the other hand has shut me out every time i ask to speak about something serious, and he tells me i am money obsessed when he lied to me about why he wanted to leave australia (he said he would find a job easier in the USA) and then made up other reasons later.. and fair enough if he doesnt like australia, but if he wanted me to live in the USA with him, wouldnt he do whatever it took to get me there? instead nothing... and when i ask for one tiny bit of help....even for him to begin searching for work...

nothing!

ok.. im not going to say anymore now. thanks for the concern guys.

[M -and- A 3]

i have tried in every way possible to communicate with him and have given him more than 3 chances to do it on his own, or softly tell him he might need to find work, and it hasnt worked. i have offered my own help, even applied for jobs for him, asked his family members to help him find work... i have also completed the WHOLE immigration process on my own, by getting his mother to mail all the stuff he needed to provide to me... and then on top of that, financially supported him by sending him money.

my needs? sorry, but that is a bit harsh. my needs arent just for him to get a job, its more than that, its about communication, like you said, and i communicate very well with him, but he on the other hand has shut me out every time i ask to speak about something serious, and he tells me i am money obsessed when he lied to me about why he wanted to leave australia (he said he would find a job easier in the USA) and then made up other reasons later.. and fair enough if he doesnt like australia, but if he wanted me to live in the USA with him, wouldnt he do whatever it took to get me there? instead nothing... and when i ask for one tiny bit of help....even for him to begin searching for work...

Communication is not only about how you try to communicate what you want, it's about what you communicate, and letting go of what you want. I tried to express that above but it didn't get through, so I'll express it a little more directly. Sorry if that's of no help to you or if you disagree. Best wishes to you and your husband.

[carolynhotstuff 252]

Have you considered that he didn't lie to you about wanting to come back to the USA and get a job and build a life for the two of you? That at the time he really ment what he said. With depression you don't want to work, you don't want to even get out of the bed and most times you don't want to deal with people.

Even doing little things can be too much for the person. His parents and you have made it easy for him to hide his illness. His parents put a roof over his head, feed him and give him money(I guess). You give him money and do everything for him. He does nothing for himself and so it's easy to say he is lazy and a user instead of looking deeper and understanding that he has some real problems. People with Depression self-medicate with drugs and alcohol thinking this will make them feel better and it doesn't.

Vent on VJ all you want. Don't feel people are against you or him. Everyone is just trying to give you different points of view. Maybe it's time to let your love for him shine again. Maybe it's time to let go of the thought that he is healthy and can do what you want him to do right now. Maybe it's time to realize that he didn't lie to you but his illness is stronger than he is.