A Question For Your Turkish Spouses

[Jenn and Fuat 2]

Today my Askim asked me a question I am not sure I had the right answer for. He's been a little stressed about all of this lately, even more so than I am, since getting the K1 will mean he's leaving family, his city, his country.. the only life he's ever known.

His question to me : "You know I really want to be with you more than anything, but will things be OK for me there? Will it be better for me there than here?" I told him, "Yes honey, I think it will be." and he said "How?"

I wasn't sure how to answer that. I told him he'd be able to earn more money to help his family, I thought he would have more opportunities here, after a while he wouldn't have to work as hard as he does now.. and, of course, that we would be together.

Really, I cannot honestly answer this question for him.. I've been to Turkey, but only on short visits.. never lived there for a long period of time. I can only say I feel everything would be OK for him here based on my own experience and I truly do feel he would have more opportunities here.

A little background that may be important.. He's never been out of Turkey, lives with his family and he's the only son. His parents like me, and always treat me like a daughter, but we know they would be happier if he stayed in Turkey and found a nice Turkish girl. Lately, there has been some pressure regarding this. He did not attend university and currently works as a jewelry salesman. I already know he would be able to work in my company, in an entry level job, until he was able to find something that he really wants to do. He will have definite work until he knows what it is he really want to do.. and does it.

I know he's feeling torn between his family and me and I hate that I don't know how to ease his worries. I wish he knew other men that had come here, that could tell him.. "this would be better.. this would be worse".. but there really isn't anyone.

My question to those of you that have made this move ( or your spouses).. what can I say to him to help ease his worries?

We know he'll be able to go home, at least a few times a year, to visit his family.. but will things be better for him here? Has it been better for you? Has it been worse? Has it been the same?

How should I answer that question?

[Mina76 0]

Maybe you need to ask this question to the "Just Turkish" group where most turkish couples there can help you with your inquiry.

http://www.visajourney.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=1039

[Jenn and Fuat 2]

Maybe you need to ask this question to the "Just Turkish" group where most turkish couples there can help you with your inquiry.

http://www.visajourney.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=1039

Thank you for the suggestion.

[Ctrl+alt+delete 0]

Congratulations Mina

I am so happy you have this in you signature now

Maybe you need to ask this question to the "Just Turkish" group where most turkish couples there can help you with your inquiry.

http://www.visajourney.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=1039

[camistanbul 0]

My question to those of you that have made this move ( or your spouses).. what can I say to him to help ease his worries?

We know he'll be able to go home, at least a few times a year, to visit his family.. but will things be better for him here? Has it been better for you? Has it been worse? Has it been the same?

How should I answer that question?

Merhaba....

Well, I was in a little bit of a similar situation with my husband, except I met him in Turkey and had been living there for quite a long time. He had never been to the US either, but after many long talks, we had decided that we would try life in the US and see how it compared to Turkey. At the time that we applied for his visa, we had no idea that the US economy would be so bad. Had we known, I don't think we would have left Turkey when we did. It has been almost a year since we have been in the US and my husband is still not working, though it's not for lack of trying. He has applied for literally hundreds of jobs (he works in IT) and in the meantime, has been taking classes at one of the local colleges. We're both trying to network him into a job or internship, but it has been slow going. He speaks almost fluent English, so that's not something that has held him back at all.

The positives for him have been interesting... anything from how friendly people are (and yes, that's true! I forgot how chatty and friendly most Americans are until we moved back!), since he loves going to the supermarket and chatting with the butchers, the sushi chefs, and bakers; to how polite most people are when they're driving. He walks a lot and has been surprised at how thoughtful and polite people are (vs. crazy driving in Turkey!), like they let you cross the street without any problems, or drivers stopping to let you cross. He has been happily surprised with how few people smoke and how clean most places are. When we go to the beach here in California, it's clean -- it's not like going to the Black Sea, where families just leave their trash and the beaches are strewn with litter. One of his biggest fears before coming was whether or not people would judge him for being Turkish. I always told him that most Americans have no idea what to think about Turkey and so that most people would just be curious. He didn't really believe me until we were here and he saw how many immigrants and people from all over the world live here. We're in the Bay Area, so it's quite international, and that makes him feel really good. He's not alone and he's not judged for being from a different place. He also feels like a huge weight has been lifted by us moving here.... um... I guess about my safety? He and his family were always worried about me when we were living in Istanbul and were afraid something bad might happen to me. I never felt unsafe there and really knew my way around, but it is a HUGE city and a lot of bad things do happen. I think it was a major source of anxiety for my husband, but that has completely changed since being in the US. He has been so impressed and pleased with how women are treated here and how people, in general, are very respectful to one another. When he first saw women jogging down the street here (this was a VERY rare sight in Istanbul!) he remarked on how great it was that they could just jog and go about their business without anyone bothering them. It's true, and while I never really had anything bad happen to me (as a woman) in Turkey, there were a lot of things you just didn't do... wear shorts, jog, randomly talk to people without having it mean anything, etc.

The negatives have been the job situation, missing Turkey -- his family and friends, and kind of having a slow go at making friends here. There are a lot of Turkish groups around. I'm not sure where you live, but here there are some Turkish social groups that meet every month. The next one is October 29th (a very important day for Turks!) and I think he'll go alone. He misses speaking Turkish and I would really be happy if he found friends there to connect with. The problem is that he has a lot of doubt in Turkish people and isn't really interested in meeting with them much.

So..... I don't know. There are a lot of good things about moving to the US, but there are also a lot of bad things, too. I know I miss Turkey like a crazy person and if we somehow won the lottery, I would move back in a heartbeat. I'm happy to be working less and making more money here, but it's also very dull and every town seems like the same McDonalds/Wal-Mart/Target/KFC strip mall, like that's the only thing that's important in the US. I miss not having to drive. My husband does not want to drive, but he has to. In Turkey, we never worried about not having a car!

In the end, there are a ton of pros and cons for both, but it depends on what is important. Try to find a group for him to network with and speak Turkish with. I found every single Turkish supermarket in the Bay Area and we go there sometimes to buy Turkish foods. If you don't have access to anything like that, order foods online from Tulumba.com or other sites. Learn how to make a good Turkish breakfast. Try to get his family in Turkey hooked up with Skype, or if not, just call their home using Skype from the US (so cheap!). If he feels like he can always reach them, that means a lot.

OK... sorry for the novella. I don't really know your situation or where you live, but I hope this is helpful for you. I'm happy to answer any questions you might have, just PM me!

[philippinebelle 0]

My question to those of you that have made this move ( or your spouses).. what can I say to him to help ease his worries?

We know he'll be able to go home, at least a few times a year, to visit his family.. but will things be better for him here? Has it been better for you? Has it been worse? Has it been the same?

How should I answer that question?

Merhaba....

Well, I was in a little bit of a similar situation with my husband, except I met him in Turkey and had been living there for quite a long time. He had never been to the US either, but after many long talks, we had decided that we would try life in the US and see how it compared to Turkey. At the time that we applied for his visa, we had no idea that the US economy would be so bad. Had we known, I don't think we would have left Turkey when we did. It has been almost a year since we have been in the US and my husband is still not working, though it's not for lack of trying. He has applied for literally hundreds of jobs (he works in IT) and in the meantime, has been taking classes at one of the local colleges. We're both trying to network him into a job or internship, but it has been slow going. He speaks almost fluent English, so that's not something that has held him back at all.

The positives for him have been interesting... anything from how friendly people are (and yes, that's true! I forgot how chatty and friendly most Americans are until we moved back!), since he loves going to the supermarket and chatting with the butchers, the sushi chefs, and bakers; to how polite most people are when they're driving. He walks a lot and has been surprised at how thoughtful and polite people are (vs. crazy driving in Turkey!), like they let you cross the street without any problems, or drivers stopping to let you cross. He has been happily surprised with how few people smoke and how clean most places are. When we go to the beach here in California, it's clean -- it's not like going to the Black Sea, where families just leave their trash and the beaches are strewn with litter. One of his biggest fears before coming was whether or not people would judge him for being Turkish. I always told him that most Americans have no idea what to think about Turkey and so that most people would just be curious. He didn't really believe me until we were here and he saw how many immigrants and people from all over the world live here. We're in the Bay Area, so it's quite international, and that makes him feel really good. He's not alone and he's not judged for being from a different place. He also feels like a huge weight has been lifted by us moving here.... um... I guess about my safety? He and his family were always worried about me when we were living in Istanbul and were afraid something bad might happen to me. I never felt unsafe there and really knew my way around, but it is a HUGE city and a lot of bad things do happen. I think it was a major source of anxiety for my husband, but that has completely changed since being in the US. He has been so impressed and pleased with how women are treated here and how people, in general, are very respectful to one another. When he first saw women jogging down the street here (this was a VERY rare sight in Istanbul!) he remarked on how great it was that they could just jog and go about their business without anyone bothering them. It's true, and while I never really had anything bad happen to me (as a woman) in Turkey, there were a lot of things you just didn't do... wear shorts, jog, randomly talk to people without having it mean anything, etc.

The negatives have been the job situation, missing Turkey -- his family and friends, and kind of having a slow go at making friends here. There are a lot of Turkish groups around. I'm not sure where you live, but here there are some Turkish social groups that meet every month. The next one is October 29th (a very important day for Turks!) and I think he'll go alone. He misses speaking Turkish and I would really be happy if he found friends there to connect with. The problem is that he has a lot of doubt in Turkish people and isn't really interested in meeting with them much.

So..... I don't know. There are a lot of good things about moving to the US, but there are also a lot of bad things, too. I know I miss Turkey like a crazy person and if we somehow won the lottery, I would move back in a heartbeat. I'm happy to be working less and making more money here, but it's also very dull and every town seems like the same McDonalds/Wal-Mart/Target/KFC strip mall, like that's the only thing that's important in the US. I miss not having to drive. My husband does not want to drive, but he has to. In Turkey, we never worried about not having a car!

In the end, there are a ton of pros and cons for both, but it depends on what is important. Try to find a group for him to network with and speak Turkish with. I found every single Turkish supermarket in the Bay Area and we go there sometimes to buy Turkish foods. If you don't have access to anything like that, order foods online from Tulumba.com or other sites. Learn how to make a good Turkish breakfast. Try to get his family in Turkey hooked up with Skype, or if not, just call their home using Skype from the US (so cheap!). If he feels like he can always reach them, that means a lot.

OK... sorry for the novella. I don't really know your situation or where you live, but I hope this is helpful for you. I'm happy to answer any questions you might have, just PM me!

Hello Camistanbul and everyone,

Your message is very informative and answered several questions that comes to mind. I just recently sent my I-130 and I am excited at the same time anxious of what will be the next step to do. Either I have more papers to send them to complete the application or what I've sent was just perfect. I was married in Izmir, Turkey last July 9th. My life style made my action a little behind in sending my application but I'm sure things will turn out just fine. I like this site and group, I've learnt so much and I feel that I am not alone doing the legalities of getting my husband to be in the US.

Thanks...

Belle

[camistanbul 0]

Hello Camistanbul and everyone,

Your message is very informative and answered several questions that comes to mind. I just recently sent my I-130 and I am excited at the same time anxious of what will be the next step to do. Either I have more papers to send them to complete the application or what I've sent was just perfect. I was married in Izmir, Turkey last July 9th. My life style made my action a little behind in sending my application but I'm sure things will turn out just fine. I like this site and group, I've learnt so much and I feel that I am not alone doing the legalities of getting my husband to be in the US.

Thanks...

Belle

Welcome! Glad you found that informative. Still no change here, unfortunately, but we're still positive. At least we're here in the US together... that was a big enough of a leap!

Feel free to PM me if you have any questions.

[sozer 0]

merhaba camistanbul

I and my us citizen wife lived 5 years in Turkey. I live in Ankara (becouse of job) now. My wife and 4 years old son are in usa now for one year. my wife is going to apply visa for me. What do you reccomendfor us : IR1 or K3 ?

[Dayna 0]

The problem is that he has a lot of doubt in Turkish people and isn't really interested in meeting with them much.

My husband and I have discovered that some Turkish people living in the USA are difficult to trust. We had a bad experience of being taken advantage of, lied to, and manipulated all because they wanted to use us and our money. Maybe it's just the Turks living in this area or the group that we had associated with (who turned out to be a family of criminals!), but my husband refuses to meet or be friends other Turkish people in USA.

I tried to find Turkish groups for him, but he wasn't interested.

[Ctrl+alt+delete 0]

My husband also...We don’t have a large Turkish population at all. Mainly just students and a few Dr's and such. I think it would have been better to be in an area that was more populated with Turks. Even a larger Muslim population would have been better.

No one ever said adjusting would be easy that’s for sure.....but then again we dont get much feedback after our loved one arrives. ;-)

Best wishes

Debbie

My husband and I have discovered that some Turkish people living in the USA are difficult to trust. We had a bad experience of being taken advantage of, lied to, and manipulated all because they wanted to use us and our money. Maybe it's just the Turks living in this area or the group that we had associated with (who turned out to be a family of criminals!), but my husband refuses to meet or be friends other Turkish people in USA.

I tried to find Turkish groups for him, but he wasn't interested.