You moved to the U.S. to be with your SO

[Greg - Andrea 0]

Hi everyone! I am bit new to VJ so most of you probably haven’t seen me around much. Andrea (my Canadian fiancée) and I will probably have some interesting days like any couple, but I don’t think there will be too much trouble in her moving down here. She has a history of being able to move around without major concern. She lived in Japan by herself for almost a year as well as moved from Prince George to Vancouver on about a weeks notice.

Still I think things will be interesting for her. She is proud of her Canadian heritage, and she loves Canada a lot. She has actually told me that in all her wildest dreams she never thought she would be leaving Canada to live in the US. Let alone moving to Southern California to marry someone working in the movie industry. She really did find one of an American stereotype to fall in love with. I might be taking her to a red carpet premiere next Monday in fact.

Funny thing though… When she first told me she was proud of her Canadian heritage the first thing that came to my mind was “Why?” I know ignorant American and all, but honestly you would be surprised how little is taught about Canada after the early 1800s. It was an honest question. She answered that she was proud that Canadians burned down the white house during the war of 1812. I was flabbergasted having never heard that before. Turns out she was 100% right (which you all know already). We had a good laugh about it.

Also, I wanted to offer advice in regards to the “I gave up everything to [insert verb] [insert noun]” sentiment. Do your absolute best to find another way to express this feeling. Saying that to the person you love devalues not only the place and circumstances in which they live; it also devalues that person and your relationship with them. In addition, you devalue your own thought process and decision making ability. You, the person you love, and your relationship with them deserve better than that.

In the end you chose to come to the states, and your fiancée chose to sponsor you. You both chose to get married to each other. Regardless of the circumstances, the two of you are responsible for your current situation. If that situation becomes untenable, both you will have another choice to make. Do your best to focus on the future and how you and your spouse with overcome this challenge together. There will be many more to come, and it is likely how you handle this one will lay the groundwork for future rough patches in your relationship. Use the situation to bring both you closer instead of allowing it to come between you.

[Sprailenes 47]

Oh god here comes the relationship advice.

[SapphireDreams 71]

I think my answer to this question would have been completely different before I moved from now that I'm here.

I wasn't expecting it to be easy, don't get me wrong. I just think you can't really know or understand the feeling of moving until you actually experience it. Everyone obviously experiences it in different ways and perhaps some people have more connections back home. But actually uprooting and leaving a country to live in a new country brings emotions and feelings about things I didn't even realize I had emotions and feelings about.

Anyways, I'll be the first to admit that I thought it would be a lot easier than it was.

[thetreble 19]

Also, I wanted to offer advice in regards to the “I gave up everything to [insert verb] [insert noun]” sentiment. Do your absolute best to find another way to express this feeling. Saying that to the person you love devalues not only the place and circumstances in which they live; it also devalues that person and your relationship with them. In addition, you devalue your own thought process and decision making ability. You, the person you love, and your relationship with them deserve better than that.

In the end you chose to come to the states, and your fiancée chose to sponsor you. You both chose to get married to each other. Regardless of the circumstances, the two of you are responsible for your current situation. If that situation becomes untenable, both you will have another choice to make. Do your best to focus on the future and how you and your spouse with overcome this challenge together. There will be many more to come, and it is likely how you handle this one will lay the groundwork for future rough patches in your relationship. Use the situation to bring both you closer instead of allowing it to come between you.

Um....as the USC, to be completely honest with you, you really have no clue how it feels to GIVE UP EVERYTHING....Think about me wanting to just go to my mum's house and have a coffee with her and chat? Nope, it's the phone again on my way home from work sitting in rush hour traffic...

Or the friend's birthdays you just can't go to....or getting a chance to go with your brother to the bar and have a laugh....

Let me be the first to say to all the people on this forum here in the Canadian section that you do NOT devalue you own thought process and decision making ability by getting frustrated once and awhile and feeling like you made the wrong choice, or just breaking down and getting scared of how fast things move in this process (even if we think they move so slow at times...)

Also, I'm sure my husband would come here and say that he deserves nothing more or less than my respect, and when I have one of those days where I just miss home, I'm not disrespecting him...I'm not devaluing our relationship. He thinks what I have done is amazing because he could never do it. I didn't move here out of choice, I moved here FOR my relationship because I was basically given an ultimatum in a way. My husband did not want to move, and me being the romantic, ever giving sucker I am, I chose to leave my life behind and see what came of coming to the US.

I handled it horribly but you know what, THAT is reality...not this Utopian "laying the groundwork for future" that you have spoken of.

In fact, I find your post almost offensive.

Not a very good first impression.

Edited September 30, 2009 by thetreble

[Greg - Andrea 0]

With that response i would edit the post to pull it out, but it does not seem like I can anymore... o.O I apologize as I did not intend to offend. If someone can edit the post please feel free.

Edited September 30, 2009 by Greg - Andrea

[thetreble 19]

All I'm saying, Greg, is that we didn't ask for advice. This is not a Dear Agnes column and Trailmix wasn't asking for advice when she wrote the thread, she was asking for personal experiences.

None of us need advice because we are living this every day. People think leaving Canada to come to the US isn't that big of a deal because we are neighbours, but it is just as hard as coming from any country around the globe. The feeling of loss and distance is always at a forefront and getting settled can be incredibly hard because of the simple fact that Canadians and Americans come from two very different cultures.

My husband gets to see his family when ever they want....some of the people on this board haven't seen their family in years. Family is everything.

[SapphireDreams 71]

With that response i would edit the post to pull it out, but it does not seem like I can anymore... o.O I apologize as I did not intend to offend. If someone can edit the post please feel free.

I agree with Amanda and as the USC, you'll never really know what it's like. I didn't find it offensive, just a bit naive.

Edited: because I realized I didn't make any sense!

Edited September 30, 2009 by SapphireDreams

[thetreble 19]

I didn't find it offensive, just a bit naive.

Probably should have used this instead.

[wowswift 3]

Hey now, some of us USC's know what its like. But everyone is different, and you never really know how its gonna be, until you do it.

[thetreble 19]

Hey now, some of us USC's know what its like. But everyone is different, and you never really know how its gonna be, until you do it.

Wow- I'm not saying that you don't know what it's like. The USC has the hard and complicated job of dealing with the recently landed immigrant. It's a tough position for any one to be in.

But I still think the immigrant's position is alittle bit riskier.

I just didn't like what Greg said, that's all.

[Ontarkie 14,133]

When the kids and I got here it was pretty crazzy. There was so much to do and a wedding to plan. We had to enroll 4 kids into 4 different schools. I when we were able to just sit and relax it didn't really feel like I belonged here, it was like it was a long holiday. Long story short they are now all homeschooled.

Its getting better now, I still do not feel like this is home and sometimes I wish I didn't sell my home back in Canada so I could just go back and everything be back to normal. Things got a little better when the kids started making friends. It took a little longer do to them being homeschooled, but that was a big weight off my shoulders.

I tried to look for work but with my messed up back it makes it more difficult. I can't do what I did before and I'm not really comfertable here yet so going out alone scared the living daylights outta me.

In Aug we went back up to Canada for 3 weeks and it felt more like home then here does even though we stayed at my parents and I havent lived there in 19 years. It was so nice to be there and I really needed that trip. The kids missed having their grandparents so much.

After all this time I still haven't adjusted. I still look on every shelf in every store for yellow beans. We grew them but it would still be nice if I could find them on the shelves. I always bought no name brands except for a few things like hot dogs, cheese wiz, KD that kinda thing so it hasn't been too bad other then finding hot dogs and balogna we like. We don't eat alot of lunch meat here since we think it taste funny. Hubby just can't seem to understand it.

Oh and pizza sucks here. I hate thin crust. Flour is different here too but I did find a way around it I use bread flour for all my baking it has a higher protien contant in it so it works more like the all purpose flour back home. Cookies, brownies pie crust all get bread flower I wont even buy all purpose here anymore I tried it once and I was so upset none of my recipies would come out right with it.

I still do the why do they do it this way or that way thing and can't for the life of me figure out why they mark the yellow lines on the road back wards. Like when you have 2 solid lines for no passing and then you get 1 solid and one broken line for the side that can pass. Well here its the solid line on the outside and the broken line on the inside. Its so messed up. Ok I'm done for now haha.

Danielle

[Danu 19]

A thing you may want to keep in mind Greg is that permanancy can scare people. We all know what we are getting/got into and we did because we know its worth it, but it doesnt make it any less hard. Living away for 6 months to a year is nothing when you know you can go home. Neither is moving towns within the same province. Packing up your whole life and moving to a different country that doesn't allow you the freedom to visit without AP unless you are a greencard holder when you come in, not knowing when you can see your family again...its different. And everyone has different attachments to their families. Some people can't wait to move to get away from them, some don't care either way, and some of us crave for mom's soup when we are sick.

I haven't even moved yet and I'm going through those emotions. This is my home. I am intensly proud of being Canadian, I love my family so much, even when they drive me absolutely crazy. My fiance and I have already had the "i'm giving up everything" speech....in fact he initiated it saying how proud he is of me and that he knows its a hard position for me. I love him to bits, I love where I'm going to be living, but the thought of not being able (like Treble said) to just visit my parents on the weekend is already having an effect on me. Your fiance's relationship with her family may be different, it may not be. She may think she can be strong because of being away in Japan for a year and then she moves and her whole world seems to shatter. This thread is more about what others had happen, things to expect and how to get through them, and it would probably be much better to view it that way and prepare yourself as well for what may or may not happen so that if she does break down into a million tears about how much she misses home, that you will know why and what you can do.

Our countries are very similar and yet very different and the thought of coming home does help ease the mind compaired to the thought of being away "forever". Being away at college is no biggy cuz you come home in the summer. Moving to a different country, in some of our cases at the other side of that country as well, means hoping that you can afford to see your family once a year or on webcams and that it will be enough. This process is enough to show our commitment and value of this process and trying to work through it, but that doesn't make it any easier or happier when you truely just want your family and something familiar.

Edited September 30, 2009 by Danu

[trailmix 77]

Funny thing though… When she first told me she was proud of her Canadian heritage the first thing that came to my mind was “Why?” I know ignorant American and all, but honestly you would be surprised how little is taught about Canada after the early 1800s. It was an honest question. She answered that she was proud that Canadians burned down the white house during the war of 1812. I was flabbergasted having never heard that before. Turns out she was 100% right (which you all know already). We had a good laugh about it.

Think that was the British

[trailmix 77]

Hey now, some of us USC's know what its like. But everyone is different, and you never really know how its gonna be, until you do it.

That's true wowswift, hopefully this thread will help a bit, it's really interesting to hear everyones experiences and for those who have not moved yet, they may find someone here they identify with and maybe that can make the transition or the planning for the move easier

[Avery 0]

I haven't moved yet so I'm not sure how I feel, I think about it and I am really excited about it and sometimes I feel a little melancholy. I've started moving there in my head when I got my interview letter. Although I'm moving into a loving family and a job that's already set up for me.

Although I feel for what Greg was saying. I think I might point out he didn't say DON'T feel that way , just dont say it that way. =)

I can relate to it cause for the first two years my husband left everything behind even sold his car to come up here to stay with me. Not once has he ever said to me "I left everything behind for you." I think if i heard those words I would feel pretty shitty inside, so I've made mental notes that if I ever feel frustrated and think of those words that I stop right away. Cause he really did leave everything for me without a blink. I know he got really home sick and sad a lot. <3 =)

But it is nice to have a loving and supporting community to share our feelings here and to be open minded to everyone. =D I know I love this place.