adjusting to married life of a step parent

[MissusM09 1]

My husband has 2 grown children of his own. He came here to marry me, and as part of the deal, become stepfather to my 3 kids. They are now 14, 11, & 9. We've been married a little more than a year and a half. It has been an extrememly difficult adjustment for him. He like the US, loves me, but really struggles with the kids. I support him 100%, but kids give him such a hard time and I feel a tremendous amount of guilt because of it.

I have sole custody of my kids and have a permanent order of protection for my kids, so the father is not a part of their day to day life at all. They have had a lot of behavioral problems because of the abuse they suffered from their father (and he has been out of their lives for over 5 & 1/2 years). I made all of this known to my husband before we became really involved, and he made several visits before we married - 3 of which were for nearly 90 days. But nothing could prepare him (or me, for that matter) for what is the reality of this situation. It is so hard. We have been involved in counseling for years. Me with the kids, and now my husband comes along too. I feel like we have made some progress, but overall, my kids are very still disrespectful (to both of us) and it seems like no matter what the consequences, they don't want to stop the behavior. The psychologist said it takes at least a year for things to settle a bit, and I guess they have to a certain degree, but not enough for life to feel entirely stable.

So, primahen, I am sure you do feel resentful, like my husband does. There's no shame in admitting that you're stuggling to cope with a very foreign situation. It's not easy and all rosy like some people portray it. If you have or have had an effed up parent in the mix, it can create problems that are really hard to tackle. My husband has stuck with it so far, but who knows? One day they may defeat his spirit. I just feel really embarrassed and ashamed that my own children cannot appreciate all that my husband does for them to make their lives better.

Whereas, it sounds like your step son is a pretty good kid. For that you should count your blessings. Sure his mom is an a-hole, but you don't have to live with her on a daily basis and it's not his fault she is the way she is. So, while it is tough, try to look for the good things in your situation. I wish you the best and hope that as time goes on you will become more settled and happy in your role as step mom.

This sounds like something I would write. lol, I love it. Thanks for the input. Today we picked him up from school and he gets in the car see's me doesnt say hello. i know what your husband feels about being appreciated, like i wanted ? to say, do you know i handwashed your uniform and your sheets dude. !!!!???? or that I cook for you every night.

Thanks I appreciate it, I hope this thread helps someone, because i felt embarrassed to not be the perfect step parent, maybe i'm not alone.

x

[Kirsten UK 2]

Thanks for this thread, its been very insightful and served as a reminder to consider my husbands feelings (even more than I did before) on recently becoming a father even though we've been together 6 years. He has been wonderful and I should give more thought to how he feels inside too, not just how he appears to be coping. Thanks

hey there kirsten, hows it going.

what do you mean?

What I kind of noticed from this thread ( please correct me if i'm wrong) that the birth parents view the relationship very differently to how the step parent views it. if you are a the birth mother it may seem to you that your partner just comes in and is the dad, is the mum you think in terms of what you need for your child. From the step parent side, you have to deal with a little stranger(s) in your home, that you have to build a relationship with, and you have responsibilities towards, that an ordinary birth parent has. you dont get the thanks that birth parents do ( maybe in a few years time) and you just got married. kirsten you are right about considering the husbands feelings, i love that, because it certainly goes both ways and its not cut and dried. I think its normal to expect that a partner may /may not feel the same way about a child that is brought to the relationship as you do, but the partner will care for the child because they love you and want youhappy. its not the same as the love a father/ or mother has. That can come but its time.

i remember how i felt when my nephew was born, i just clicked with him, loved him instantly, and its always been like that. My brothers other two kids i love them but its not the same. My point is there are some children you will click with and love immediately, but the majority of the time its not like that.

x

I meant that although he seems to be coping very well as a new step-parent, I ought to consider how he may be feeling on the inside.....perhaps he feels he's not coping as well as he lets on? Maybe theres things he's not happy with but doesn't want to say? Its a huge step in general, just marrying someone from abroad whom you may or may not have know for years but never lived with, let alone take on their child(ren) and deal with the day to day stuff in life like supporting your new instant family. The thread just made me think more from his point of view, you know, I'm ashamed to admit it, but after thinking, I don't think I have even asked him how he feels about everything now? I will, my instinct tells me everything is going smoother than I could have hoped for.....but you never know......there maybe something he might want to get off his chest.