adjusting to married life of a step parent

[MissusM09 1]

Communication is the number one most important thing for you and your spouse. He and I have discussed this topic a lot. Although Matt always defers to me on decisions for the girls, if he does tell them something (usually because I am not around) I will support what he said and enforce it. I determined long ago not to allow them to do the divide and conquer thing, and heaven help them if I ever hear one of them say " I don't have to do what you say, you are not my father". The 16 year old is the only one to push the issue so far, and well, she's 16. After I did enforce what he told her not to do, she didn't try it again. We already are in the mode of presenting a united front and then discussing issues when we are alone. It's just been us girls in the house for a long time, so it is an adjustment, but I have just reminded them it is Matt's house too.

That is SOOOOOOOOOOO important.

Stay tuned, we just found out the 16 year old is pregnant. He's going to be a grandad at 30. Poor guy.

Wow. That's huge. How is everyone handling that?

Wow,Thats gonna be challenging, if you survived this visa process however, you have the mettle to get through all that.

Thanks for your input. I'm so glad that no one got in this topic and tried to put me down because I'm just being honest. I can see from everyones answers that this is not an easy road and it is a step by step journey. I had a frank chat with hubby yesterday about how I feel, I have mentioned it to him before, but I did it this time stating all the issues that we have. For us its important that we build our relationship and marriage because that it is the stability that he needs, so we are going to give each other time together, if its just one weekend a month rather than just being step mom /wife. I felt resentment because there has been no alone time with my husband and I so we are making sure we build that foundation as well as parenting. My ultimate goal is that his son has a happy childhood that prepares him for being a capable, moral adult, that our marriage lasts and that we all survive the experience relatively unscarred. I dont think I could be anything other than honest in the process.

[gingerblue 0]

My husband's kids are already raised. And he moved here to be with me and my THREE kids (16, 14, and 10). From the very first day we decided on some basic ground rules and we've not varied from that.

WE are a united front. We always, always, always back each other up, no matter what. If we disagree on parenting (which we often do), we discuss it alone, NEVER in front of the children. We are a family unit and we do things for the good of the family. Gary comes to all school functions, he supports the kids equally with me in their endeavors. Gary is not their father, makes no attempt to be their father. They have a father. But Gary deserves their respect, just like any other adult in their lives. In the beginning he didn't discipline at all, he just reminded them on things that I'd already said. He was my "other eyes". Over time he has been able to discipline them more and more and they tolerate it because he's fair and just and treats them all equally. Gary does most of the school transport...that's given him the opportunity to have contact with them and they get to learn to rely on him and see that he works for their well being as much as I do. Our goal with things isn't so much "raising" the kids, as protecting a home environment. We don't allow anyone to be disrespectful, make messes, we have rules and routines, etc. But we do discuss the needs of the kids and we do identify behaviors in each kid that we're "working" on.

And I assure you it's NOT smooth. My middle child is profoundly behaviorally disturbed and we've had to deal with authorities and hospitalizations and she even had to be removed from our home for four months this year. During that time she lived with her father, who incidentally just got married to a woman who had never had children. It did not go well. My ex did not support his wife's efforts with our daughter and his wife left him over the conflict with our daughter. My ex returned her to us.

Bottom line, raising kids is HARD work. It is divisive even in established marriages. Dealing with a new marriage, kids, adjusting to a new country all at the same time is very hard work. And in order to be successful you have to communicate and plan how you're going to face parenting challenges together.

I think the key to a good step-parent situation is the attitude of the couple...you've got to back each other up so they never see a way to divide you. Because divide you they will. Dealing with ex spouses is just like the kids...don't let them divide you. Because they'll try also. And it's always better to approach the ex spouse as an ally rather than an enemy. They're also your parenting partner, even if they act like children. You have to be careful to uphold their parenting as well. And ensure they uphold yours.

And the advice about spending time with the kids is very good. Gary tries to find ways to connect with each of them. I think it's working....they roll their eyes at him just as much as they do at me. They think we're both terribly old and boring and embarrassing.

[Sherri and Matt 1]

Communication is the number one most important thing for you and your spouse. He and I have discussed this topic a lot. Although Matt always defers to me on decisions for the girls, if he does tell them something (usually because I am not around) I will support what he said and enforce it. I determined long ago not to allow them to do the divide and conquer thing, and heaven help them if I ever hear one of them say " I don't have to do what you say, you are not my father". The 16 year old is the only one to push the issue so far, and well, she's 16. After I did enforce what he told her not to do, she didn't try it again. We already are in the mode of presenting a united front and then discussing issues when we are alone. It's just been us girls in the house for a long time, so it is an adjustment, but I have just reminded them it is Matt's house too.

That is SOOOOOOOOOOO important.

Stay tuned, we just found out the 16 year old is pregnant. He's going to be a grandad at 30. Poor guy.

Wow. That's huge. How is everyone handling that?

Trying to handle it calmly and rationally, while recognizing that it is a HUGE deal and not something we expected to have to deal with so soon. My biggest worry about us as a couple is that my daughter's behavior will be a very difficult thing for us to handle. The last year with her has been a nightmare for my family, but now instead of him hearing my tears over ventrilo, he is right in the middle of the chaos. He's a good guy though. The day I tested her and got the positive pregnancy result, I was crying and he just came over and held me and told me that I was not alone anymore, that he was there, was not going anywhere, and we would deal with it together. We have come too far, and waited too long to let anything derail us. It still terrifies me though. As hard as it is for me to deal with her most of the time, I can't imagine what it is like for someone that does not have that bond that I have with her. He can't see what I see sometimes when I look at her, he can only see the nasty rebellious teenager, while I can still see that tiny little baby face.

Primahen, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to jack your thread. I think you have gotten some good advice here, not just from me, advice that I will try to heed also. Gingerblue said it well, and I agree. We are a family unit too. Matt is not the girls father, and I never expected him to be, but he does deserve their respect, and I will tolerate nothing less from them. I think a lot of it comes down to your husband too, and his expectations. You are right to plan couple time, not just because you are a steparent either, it is important for all couples.

[lizandpat 0]

Primahen - I'm very glad you started this thread. I am the USC and my fiance will be arriving from the Netherlands in 8 days. I have a 7 (as of this next Monday..lol) year old daughter and so far her and Patrick have gotten along fantastic all the times he has visited us. I do worry a bit though about how it will be when he's here permanently....the longest he's been here on a visit is 17 days. My daughter is super excited and so happy about him coming to live with us and about us getting married but I do wonder if/how much that will change once he's actually here. Another issue I worry about is my daughter's dad....he is still somewhat hostile about the divorce and me getting married again even though it's been more than 2 1/2 years and I worry about what he might say or do when he realizes how my daughter really feels about my fiance.

The advice you've gotten here has been a great help even to me....just wanted to say thank you for starting this thread and I hope that everything works out wonderfully for you and your family!

Have a great weekend!

Liz

[MissusM09 1]

Primahen - I'm very glad you started this thread. I am the USC and my fiance will be arriving from the Netherlands in 8 days. I have a 7 (as of this next Monday..lol) year old daughter and so far her and Patrick have gotten along fantastic all the times he has visited us. I do worry a bit though about how it will be when he's here permanently....the longest he's been here on a visit is 17 days. My daughter is super excited and so happy about him coming to live with us and about us getting married but I do wonder if/how much that will change once he's actually here. Another issue I worry about is my daughter's dad....he is still somewhat hostile about the divorce and me getting married again even though it's been more than 2 1/2 years and I worry about what he might say or do when he realizes how my daughter really feels about my fiance.

The advice you've gotten here has been a great help even to me....just wanted to say thank you for starting this thread and I hope that everything works out wonderfully for you and your family!

Have a great weekend!

Liz

I hear you on that. I was adjusting, and I still am. I know that alot of people here have the good relationship with the birth mother, but we do not. for the past 6 years his mother has been uncooperative, trying to extort child support from him, choosing not to work. as a result they take half his check. for the last year while we had custody of the child, she didnt contact the child once, and thankfully he recovered from the various abuses She showered on him. This is the third time in his life that she has done this!! throughout that whole year she contacted her son once. not at christmas or his birthday mind.

Now since I am back on the scene, and under some misguided jealousy she launches into an attack, trying to get the police around here to take the child ( even though he told the police officer he wanted to stay with his dad).

You see its not all cut and dried. for me the resentment started because her actions have jeopardised the safety of her child and the stablilty of our home. This isnt about something that was done to her, she was never hurt by my husband she does however want him back and in her bi polar world this is how she gets back at him for it. Yeah I know its sounds very weird, but thats how relationships are, they are messy.

So when I look at him some times, i see her face, screaming at our door that she wants her son, and her son cowering in our bedroom afraid that she'll take him, I see half a paycheck and my husband worrying about what to do next. i'm learning patience, but as far as i'm concerned, and i've heard what alot of folk have said here, the marriage comes first, we make time for each other. Thankfully theres only 1 child so it helps. We are sorting our the support issues, that have been dragging on for weeks, and we are seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.

I had to accept that I may never have that maternal love for him like I would my own child, not saying it will never happen but its a possiblity that i have look into, but I made a decision to respect and do the best I could for him, to help him as much as I could and to edit myself where I feel I'm being too harsh, to make him feel safe. I do not want him to feel he has nowhere to go, and he is a good kid, remarkably, he does what he's told and he tries. Gotta love that right .

lol

[NArocks 13]

I hear you on that. I was adjusting, and I still am. I know that alot of people here have the good relationship with the birth mother, but we do not. for the past 6 years his mother has been uncooperative, trying to extort child support from him, choosing not to work. as a result they take half his check. for the last year while we had custody of the child, she didnt contact the child once, and thankfully he recovered from the various abuses She showered on him. This is the third time in his life that she has done this!! throughout that whole year she contacted her son once. not at christmas or his birthday mind.

Now since I am back on the scene, and under some misguided jealousy she launches into an attack, trying to get the police around here to take the child ( even though he told the police officer he wanted to stay with his dad).

You see its not all cut and dried. for me the resentment started because her actions have jeopardised the safety of her child and the stablilty of our home. This isnt about something that was done to her, she was never hurt by my husband she does however want him back and in her bi polar world this is how she gets back at him for it. Yeah I know its sounds very weird, but thats how relationships are, they are messy.

So when I look at him some times, i see her face, screaming at our door that she wants her son, and her son cowering in our bedroom afraid that she'll take him, I see half a paycheck and my husband worrying about what to do next. i'm learning patience, but as far as i'm concerned, and i've heard what alot of folk have said here, the marriage comes first, we make time for each other. Thankfully theres only 1 child so it helps. We are sorting our the support issues, that have been dragging on for weeks, and we are seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.

I had to accept that I may never have that maternal love for him like I would my own child, not saying it will never happen but its a possiblity that i have look into, but I made a decision to respect and do the best I could for him, to help him as much as I could and to edit myself where I feel I'm being too harsh, to make him feel safe. I do not want him to feel he has nowhere to go, and he is a good kid, remarkably, he does what he's told and he tries. Gotta love that right .

lol

Sorry for the copy but this is just That is one of the most important things, thinking of the child is a GREAT start for you and it iz the awesome...

[MissusM09 1]

Communication is the number one most important thing for you and your spouse. He and I have discussed this topic a lot. Although Matt always defers to me on decisions for the girls, if he does tell them something (usually because I am not around) I will support what he said and enforce it. I determined long ago not to allow them to do the divide and conquer thing, and heaven help them if I ever hear one of them say " I don't have to do what you say, you are not my father". The 16 year old is the only one to push the issue so far, and well, she's 16. After I did enforce what he told her not to do, she didn't try it again. We already are in the mode of presenting a united front and then discussing issues when we are alone. It's just been us girls in the house for a long time, so it is an adjustment, but I have just reminded them it is Matt's house too.

That is SOOOOOOOOOOO important.

Stay tuned, we just found out the 16 year old is pregnant. He's going to be a grandad at 30. Poor guy.

Wow. That's huge. How is everyone handling that?

Trying to handle it calmly and rationally, while recognizing that it is a HUGE deal and not something we expected to have to deal with so soon. My biggest worry about us as a couple is that my daughter's behavior will be a very difficult thing for us to handle. The last year with her has been a nightmare for my family, but now instead of him hearing my tears over ventrilo, he is right in the middle of the chaos. He's a good guy though. The day I tested her and got the positive pregnancy result, I was crying and he just came over and held me and told me that I was not alone anymore, that he was there, was not going anywhere, and we would deal with it together. We have come too far, and waited too long to let anything derail us. It still terrifies me though. As hard as it is for me to deal with her most of the time, I can't imagine what it is like for someone that does not have that bond that I have with her. He can't see what I see sometimes when I look at her, he can only see the nasty rebellious teenager, while I can still see that tiny little baby face.

Primahen, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to jack your thread. I think you have gotten some good advice here, not just from me, advice that I will try to heed also. Gingerblue said it well, and I agree. We are a family unit too. Matt is not the girls father, and I never expected him to be, but he does deserve their respect, and I will tolerate nothing less from them. I think a lot of it comes down to your husband too, and his expectations. You are right to plan couple time, not just because you are a steparent either, it is important for all couples.

you didnt jack my thread,you were just being honest. its all part of it.

[rebeccajo 14]

primahen -

It sounds to me like your family might benefit from some family counseling. You've got some serious BS on your plate. Have you considered counseling at all?

[MissusM09 1]

primahen -

It sounds to me like your family might benefit from some family counseling. You've got some serious BS on your plate. Have you considered counseling at all?

yup. however i'm still settling in here, theres so much to do, AOS, sorting out the house, sorting out custody, oh yeah... and counselling. right now we can handle the bs from the b. m its the legal stuff that we are in the midst of. but it doesnt dominate our lives, we have been dealing with this for 2 years now, so I was braced for the onslaught somewhat. I do need a pause however to just get it together. i see it coming together piece by piece, I realise you can only do one thing at a time.

[KarenCee 3]

When my hubby came here, he had never been around children much. He didn't just marry me, he became a stepfather immediately. I have to say he has handled it marvelously. The issue we've had all along is my daughter's biological father. He has tried for three years to put a wedge between my husband and our daughter. I say "our" because my daughter calls my hubby "daddy"...of her own choice. She loves her birth father but my husband and I have had to do a lot of deprogramming on the weekends he has his visitation time. He would tell her things like "he (my hubby) doesn't love you" or "you are not his child, you are mine...don't call him daddy". My daughter was 7 when we married and all this ####### started soon after the wedding, causing her all kinds of confusion. Those that know my daughter personally would tell you that she doesn't need that kind of ####### to deal with. I knew what it was...jealousy on his part and feeling like he would lose his claim on his daughter. She would come home and tell us what "daddy" said and we would have to constantly reassure her that she was loved by my husband. We had to constantly reassure her that she was loved period. Sigh. You'd think he could be adult about all this...but oh no...sigh. One thing I've never EVER done was say anything bad about her father...I'd like to think I'm above that and if she finds out what kind of man he is, it will be on her own and not from anything I've said.

Maybe her bio dad will grow up one of these days. He has since remarried (poor woman) and has three stepchildren. Makes me wonder if he's experiencing Karma?

I know it's hard, dealing with the ex when there are children involved. My husband will tell you though, it is SO worth it. I am fortunate to have primary custody...she lives with us...so she has stability and a home filled with more love than you can imagine. I do think when you guys get some things settled and life itself settles, then some good counseling will be beneficial. Good luck to you both...I'll be thinking about ya.

[Krikit 1,165]

You are all dealing with so much. I hope the burdens lift for you soon. (F)

[lizandpat 0]

When my hubby came here, he had never been around children much. He didn't just marry me, he became a stepfather immediately. I have to say he has handled it marvelously. The issue we've had all along is my daughter's biological father. He has tried for three years to put a wedge between my husband and our daughter. I say "our" because my daughter calls my hubby "daddy"...of her own choice. She loves her birth father but my husband and I have had to do a lot of deprogramming on the weekends he has his visitation time. He would tell her things like "he (my hubby) doesn't love you" or "you are not his child, you are mine...don't call him daddy". My daughter was 7 when we married and all this ####### started soon after the wedding, causing her all kinds of confusion. Those that know my daughter personally would tell you that she doesn't need that kind of ####### to deal with. I knew what it was...jealousy on his part and feeling like he would lose his claim on his daughter. She would come home and tell us what "daddy" said and we would have to constantly reassure her that she was loved by my husband. We had to constantly reassure her that she was loved period. Sigh. You'd think he could be adult about all this...but oh no...sigh. One thing I've never EVER done was say anything bad about her father...I'd like to think I'm above that and if she finds out what kind of man he is, it will be on her own and not from anything I've said.

Maybe her bio dad will grow up one of these days. He has since remarried (poor woman) and has three stepchildren. Makes me wonder if he's experiencing Karma?

I know it's hard, dealing with the ex when there are children involved. My husband will tell you though, it is SO worth it. I am fortunate to have primary custody...she lives with us...so she has stability and a home filled with more love than you can imagine. I do think when you guys get some things settled and life itself settles, then some good counseling will be beneficial. Good luck to you both...I'll be thinking about ya.

WOW! BertieMae...I could have written this entire post! Your ex sounds EXACTLY like mine and I have the fear that my ex will do what yours has done...confuse my daughter completely. He has done the whole bit about my fiance being my daughters "new daddy" and that he will be forced out of her life. I got ticked one time and told him how dare he question how much his daughter loves him..hehe...he hasn't said that again! My daughter will be 7 on Monday and my fiance and I will get married in November.....well, about 2 weeks ago my ex shocked me with the news that HE is getting remarried as well......to a women he's know a total of one month! I must say, I'm not really surprised by this though....he has been competitive about pretty much everything since our divorce and this is just one more thing I can totally see him doing out of jealousy.

Thankfully my fiance knows exactly how my ex is, he's been with me through every step of my divorce and all the stupid stuff my ex has thrown my way and he still says that all he can think about is being here with us....making a stable, loving home for our daughter!

Primahen - I hope things settle down for you all very soon...it's so sad hearing the things that the b.m is putting your step-son through....I hope for not only his sake but your entire families sake that it's all taken care of soon. My thoughts are with you all!

[Kirsten UK 2]

Thanks for this thread, its been very insightful and served as a reminder to consider my husbands feelings (even more than I did before) on recently becoming a father even though we've been together 6 years. He has been wonderful and I should give more thought to how he feels inside too, not just how he appears to be coping. Thanks

[MissusM09 1]

Thanks for this thread, its been very insightful and served as a reminder to consider my husbands feelings (even more than I did before) on recently becoming a father even though we've been together 6 years. He has been wonderful and I should give more thought to how he feels inside too, not just how he appears to be coping. Thanks

hey there kirsten, hows it going.

what do you mean?

What I kind of noticed from this thread ( please correct me if i'm wrong) that the birth parents view the relationship very differently to how the step parent views it. if you are a the birth mother it may seem to you that your partner just comes in and is the dad, is the mum you think in terms of what you need for your child. From the step parent side, you have to deal with a little stranger(s) in your home, that you have to build a relationship with, and you have responsibilities towards, that an ordinary birth parent has. you dont get the thanks that birth parents do ( maybe in a few years time) and you just got married. kirsten you are right about considering the husbands feelings, i love that, because it certainly goes both ways and its not cut and dried. I think its normal to expect that a partner may /may not feel the same way about a child that is brought to the relationship as you do, but the partner will care for the child because they love you and want youhappy. its not the same as the love a father/ or mother has. That can come but its time.

i remember how i felt when my nephew was born, i just clicked with him, loved him instantly, and its always been like that. My brothers other two kids i love them but its not the same. My point is there are some children you will click with and love immediately, but the majority of the time its not like that.

x

[*julez* 124]

My husband has 2 grown children of his own. He came here to marry me, and as part of the deal, become stepfather to my 3 kids. They are now 14, 11, & 9. We've been married a little more than a year and a half. It has been an extrememly difficult adjustment for him. He like the US, loves me, but really struggles with the kids. I support him 100%, but kids give him such a hard time and I feel a tremendous amount of guilt because of it.

I have sole custody of my kids and have a permanent order of protection for my kids, so the father is not a part of their day to day life at all. They have had a lot of behavioral problems because of the abuse they suffered from their father (and he has been out of their lives for over 5 & 1/2 years). I made all of this known to my husband before we became really involved, and he made several visits before we married - 3 of which were for nearly 90 days. But nothing could prepare him (or me, for that matter) for what is the reality of this situation. It is so hard. We have been involved in counseling for years. Me with the kids, and now my husband comes along too. I feel like we have made some progress, but overall, my kids are very still disrespectful (to both of us) and it seems like no matter what the consequences, they don't want to stop the behavior. The psychologist said it takes at least a year for things to settle a bit, and I guess they have to a certain degree, but not enough for life to feel entirely stable.

So, primahen, I am sure you do feel resentful, like my husband does. There's no shame in admitting that you're stuggling to cope with a very foreign situation. It's not easy and all rosy like some people portray it. If you have or have had an effed up parent in the mix, it can create problems that are really hard to tackle. My husband has stuck with it so far, but who knows? One day they may defeat his spirit. I just feel really embarrassed and ashamed that my own children cannot appreciate all that my husband does for them to make their lives better.

Whereas, it sounds like your step son is a pretty good kid. For that you should count your blessings. Sure his mom is an a-hole, but you don't have to live with her on a daily basis and it's not his fault she is the way she is. So, while it is tough, try to look for the good things in your situation. I wish you the best and hope that as time goes on you will become more settled and happy in your role as step mom.