adjusting to married life of a step parent

[MissusM09 1]

just got married.......Yeaaaaah!.......... and i'm a step mother to a 10 year old boy. I have been single a long time, so I find it hard to adjust, in some part, to being a full time parent. I have issues with his mother, partly because she is causing a lot of hardship for us especially as newlyweds, has been very un co operative, unreasonable yada yada. Its strange because he also rubs me the wrong way, because he looks like her. ( hoping thats where the similarity ends)

There are many issues with step parenting from how do you discipline someone else's kid, to how do you grow a bond with someone who doesnt share any real link/commonality with you. You could argue well the common link is the parent that you are married to, but I really want to have that bond myself. Help!!!

Is there anyone else here who has to deal with the step parenting issue? could you share how you got over it?

much appreciated.

P

[NArocks 13]

patience, Especially not having any of your own it may be a little tough at first. Having the ex in the picture is also not the best of situations. Does the child live with you and the hubby or does the child live wiht the mom and visit you on weekends? The child may fell they have lost dad as there is someone else i the picture. Try to do things as a family to include his likes..

Good luck

[Lisa and Ian 7]

just got married.......Yeaaaaah!.......... and i'm a step mother to a 10 year old boy. I have been single a long time, so I find it hard to adjust, in some part, to being a full time parent. I have issues with his mother, partly because she is causing a lot of hardship for us especially as newlyweds, has been very un co operative, unreasonable yada yada. Its strange because he also rubs me the wrong way, because he looks like her. ( hoping thats where the similarity ends)

There are many issues with step parenting from how do you discipline someone else's kid, to how do you grow a bond with someone who doesnt share any real link/commonality with you. You could argue well the common link is the parent that you are married to, but I really want to have that bond myself. Help!!!

Is there anyone else here who has to deal with the step parenting issue? could you share how you got over it?

much appreciated.

P

RE: The mother... I would say the best thing to do is just to understand that there are two sides to every coin, as far as the ex is concerned, and there may be reasons you'll never know for whatever hardship she is causing. Try to let it go. Life's too short, you know?

Get to know your stepson. The key elements are time and trust. Some step-parents grow to love their stepkids as their own. Discipline.. If you have behaviour issues that talking can't resolve, I suggest a time out (send him to his room) to wait for dad to get home, if you can. Everyone has a chance to calm down, and dad or the family can talk it out upon arriving home.

Always remember that each kid only gets one chance at a childhood.

There may be some stepparenting classes where you are. Take a look around, or call a family counselling office for suggestions.

Congrats on your marriage.

Edited September 27, 2009 by Ian and Lisa

[MissusM09 1]

just got married.......Yeaaaaah!.......... and i'm a step mother to a 10 year old boy. I have been single a long time, so I find it hard to adjust, in some part, to being a full time parent. I have issues with his mother, partly because she is causing a lot of hardship for us especially as newlyweds, has been very un co operative, unreasonable yada yada. Its strange because he also rubs me the wrong way, because he looks like her. ( hoping thats where the similarity ends)

There are many issues with step parenting from how do you discipline someone else's kid, to how do you grow a bond with someone who doesnt share any real link/commonality with you. You could argue well the common link is the parent that you are married to, but I really want to have that bond myself. Help!!!

Is there anyone else here who has to deal with the step parenting issue? could you share how you got over it?

much appreciated.

P

RE: The mother... I would say the best thing to do is just to understand that there are two sides to every coin, as far as the ex is concerned, and there may be reasons you'll never know for whatever hardship she is causing. Try to let it go. Life's too short, you know?

Get to know your stepson. The key elements are time and trust. Some step-parents grow to love their stepkids as their own. Discipline.. If you have behaviour issues that talking can't resolve, I suggest a time out (send him to his room) to wait for dad to get home, if you can. Everyone has a chance to calm down, and dad or the family can talk it out upon arriving home.

Always remember that each kid only gets one chance at a childhood.

There may be some stepparenting classes where you are. Take a look around, or call a family counselling office for suggestions.

Congrats on your marriage.

Thank you all,

the ex is unstable, and undiagnosed bi polar. He does live with us currently, so I'm using patience all day every day. For me as I waited a long time to be with my husband I got to say there is some resentment. You know wanting your husband all to yourself. Though Ian and Lisa I hear what you are saying, I do appreciate it.

[Welshcookie 17]

It is a very difficult situation for all concerned. Although not in this relationship, I have been a stepmother to a 3 and 5yr old girls in the past...children do grieve over the end of their family unit, and would rather take their frustrations and anger on the "other" person than mum and dad regardless of where blame lays. I have horrendous stories of angry kids and being at my wits end and dealing with the ex wife. In the end the best thing I ever did was reach out to the mother and tell her how things were for me.

I never really "disciplined" them although they were in my care for long periods of time, I always left that up to the parents, and now in my marriage where my husband is a step father to my 13 yr old the discipline is my job as we have different views on that, but he is my son and so my word goes.

You have a difficult aged step child to deal with that's for sure, and by the sound of it he hasn't had a very good time of things in his short life.....however it hard it seems for you, make him the most the important person in your house right now, you are the adult and can see things a lot clearer and with more maturity. As for finding a "common bond" and things that you have in common...you don't, so make them happen, you can see what he likes as he lives with you...take an interest in what he likes....even if it bores the hell out of you...as parents we have all been there

As for those 2 little girls I step parented...they actually grew to love me and me them....they are in their 20's now and still refer to me as their step mum...hell, i missed them way more than I missed their dad when the relationship ended and they still keep in touch...childhood is very fleeting, and as a step parent you will make an impression, you will be with your husband far longer than this child will be in your house.

I wish you luck!

[MissusM09 1]

It is a very difficult situation for all concerned. Although not in this relationship, I have been a stepmother to a 3 and 5yr old girls in the past...children do grieve over the end of their family unit, and would rather take their frustrations and anger on the "other" person than mum and dad regardless of where blame lays. I have horrendous stories of angry kids and being at my wits end and dealing with the ex wife. In the end the best thing I ever did was reach out to the mother and tell her how things were for me.

I never really "disciplined" them although they were in my care for long periods of time, I always left that up to the parents, and now in my marriage where my husband is a step father to my 13 yr old the discipline is my job as we have different views on that, but he is my son and so my word goes.

You have a difficult aged step child to deal with that's for sure, and by the sound of it he hasn't had a very good time of things in his short life.....however it hard it seems for you, make him the most the important person in your house right now, you are the adult and can see things a lot clearer and with more maturity. As for finding a "common bond" and things that you have in common...you don't, so make them happen, you can see what he likes as he lives with you...take an interest in what he likes....even if it bores the hell out of you...as parents we have all been there

As for those 2 little girls I step parented...they actually grew to love me and me them....they are in their 20's now and still refer to me as their step mum...hell, i missed them way more than I missed their dad when the relationship ended and they still keep in touch...childhood is very fleeting, and as a step parent you will make an impression, you will be with your husband far longer than this child will be in your house.

I wish you luck!

thank you so much, it actually helped writing this, and your detailed break down has been tremendously informative. I will do all that you and the other posters have suggested here, and to be honest somedays are better than others. I think there should be a special crown for step parents in heaven because it takes a lot out of you, hopefully in the long run you get a lot more

thanks once again to all who posted

xxx

Mrs M

[Krikit 1,164]

Some very excellent posts in this thread.

The thing about parenting is the reality that it is all about them now. Everything you do and say always has to have that huge sign hovering overhead saying "You are preparing them for the future." It's a pretty intense few years, and it goes rather quickly. (Though it does not seem like it at the time. ) Whatever you do or say, you have to ask yourself "How will this affect the future? What will be the long term impact on them.... on me.... on their other parent(s)..... on their career.... on their interaction with others? It's certainly a very daunting and responsible position. The easy way out is very seductive, but it's harmful to everyone. But once they are adults and the groundwork has been laid, whether it be positive or negative, there is nothing you can do but sit back and watch them succeed or fail. Good luck. The payoff will come.

[Rings 10]

My husband Loke came to America and I have two kids that are blond and look just like their idiot dad. He is so patient with them. He stepped right in and turned on "Dad mode" because he is a dad. Do you know how wonderful that made me feel? He calls the kids "our" kids and each and every time he says that my heart just bursts with even more love than ever. He accepts that my son sometimes thinks it's a great idea to lick his shoe and that Katlin changes her clothes 5 times per day. He accepts that my kids are going to come home from school and distroy the dinning room with construction paper and although it might get on his nerves... it's all made up when they bring him the Australian flag they made for him.

What I am saying is... to be a parent does not mean you have to be the "real" mom or the "real" dad... to be a parent means to love the child, accept the child as if it were your own. If he needs to be punished, make him do dishes... he is ten he can load a dish washer. Treat him like a human because he is human. It's not his fault he looks like his mom, my kids look just like their dad with that blond hair of theirs, but that does not make them less our kids.

[jellyfish 0]

I am so happy my hubby has children. Two boys, 10 and 14. They have done a great job expanding his heart, and preparing him for his "alien" daughter. :-) This is the second time I have become a step parent, and I have found the key to success is communication between both of you. If you can have some sort of framework to hang things around it helps. Eg he normally calls this time, this is a general plan for Sat/Sun, but you can have a date night Friday.

Just keep talking, and have time to yourselves around it. Children grow up very very fast. Always give more than they get.

A lot of lip biting may be needed at time re ex, but just learn to respect her as their mother. It can happen that if you expect good things, people grow to meet those expectation.

[MissusM09 1]

My husband Loke came to America and I have two kids that are blond and look just like their idiot dad. He is so patient with them. He stepped right in and turned on "Dad mode" because he is a dad. Do you know how wonderful that made me feel? He calls the kids "our" kids and each and every time he says that my heart just bursts with even more love than ever. He accepts that my son sometimes thinks it's a great idea to lick his shoe and that Katlin changes her clothes 5 times per day. He accepts that my kids are going to come home from school and distroy the dinning room with construction paper and although it might get on his nerves... it's all made up when they bring him the Australian flag they made for him.

What I am saying is... to be a parent does not mean you have to be the "real" mom or the "real" dad... to be a parent means to love the child, accept the child as if it were your own. If he needs to be punished, make him do dishes... he is ten he can load a dish washer. Treat him like a human because he is human. It's not his fault he looks like his mom, my kids look just like their dad with that blond hair of theirs, but that does not make them less our kids.

I think the thing you may not have understood is that I have no kids of my own yet, that is why its an adjustment. when you have a baby you build up to all the other stuff they go through when they are ten, you have that foundation. i'm jumpin in halfway. But I do understand what you are saying, its a journey. Treating him as a human was never the issue, but you know like anyone else on this website, you are adjusting to the country you have just moved to, and your married status, then if you are like me you have step son. I dont enjoy it most of the time, I should have prepared more for the step mother( thought how you do that without actually doing it, bar reading books, babysitting, is beyond me) thing as well as bieng married to my husband but its a one day at a time thing. My husband sees that I want the best for him and that its all an adjustment for me. shoot its just been 3 months.!!!

[Rings 10]

My husband Loke came to America and I have two kids that are blond and look just like their idiot dad. He is so patient with them. He stepped right in and turned on "Dad mode" because he is a dad. Do you know how wonderful that made me feel? He calls the kids "our" kids and each and every time he says that my heart just bursts with even more love than ever. He accepts that my son sometimes thinks it's a great idea to lick his shoe and that Katlin changes her clothes 5 times per day. He accepts that my kids are going to come home from school and distroy the dinning room with construction paper and although it might get on his nerves... it's all made up when they bring him the Australian flag they made for him.

What I am saying is... to be a parent does not mean you have to be the "real" mom or the "real" dad... to be a parent means to love the child, accept the child as if it were your own. If he needs to be punished, make him do dishes... he is ten he can load a dish washer. Treat him like a human because he is human. It's not his fault he looks like his mom, my kids look just like their dad with that blond hair of theirs, but that does not make them less our kids.

I think the thing you may not have understood is that I have no kids of my own yet, that is why its an adjustment. when you have a baby you build up to all the other stuff they go through when they are ten, you have that foundation. i'm jumpin in halfway. But I do understand what you are saying, its a journey. Treating him as a human was never the issue, but you know like anyone else on this website, you are adjusting to the country you have just moved to, and your married status, then if you are like me you have step son. I dont enjoy it most of the time, I should have prepared more for the step mother( thought how you do that without actually doing it, bar reading books, babysitting, is beyond me) thing as well as bieng married to my husband but its a one day at a time thing. My husband sees that I want the best for him and that its all an adjustment for me. shoot its just been 3 months.!!!

Loke has no kids of his own either. My kids are 8 and 7. This is what I am saying. He had to become a dad and he had to do it overnight because I am a mom and I have two kids and if he wants to be with me, then he has to accept them. Everything I said up there was true. The best thing that you can do is love the child and treat him as if he is your own child.

[Rings 10]

Adjusting is hard, but once you get the hang of it.. that boy is gonna be the coolest friend you ever had. Try to see what interests him. Talk to him about his interests, play some playstation or something with him even if you suck at it lol. Hang out with him and get to know him a bit. You are going to find out that he sure is one cool kid and when you love that one cool kid, things just start falling into place. First step to adjusting to someone new in your life is just getting to understand them. Second step... beating him at baseball! WOOOOOT

[Jamaican JNR 2]

just got married.......Yeaaaaah!.......... and i'm a step mother to a 10 year old boy. I have been single a long time, so I find it hard to adjust, in some part, to being a full time parent. I have issues with his mother, partly because she is causing a lot of hardship for us especially as newlyweds, has been very un co operative, unreasonable yada yada. Its strange because he also rubs me the wrong way, because he looks like her. ( hoping thats where the similarity ends)

There are many issues with step parenting from how do you discipline someone else's kid, to how do you grow a bond with someone who doesnt share any real link/commonality with you. You could argue well the common link is the parent that you are married to, but I really want to have that bond myself. Help!!!

Is there anyone else here who has to deal with the step parenting issue? could you share how you got over it?

much appreciated.

P

I have experience some of what you discussed. I have a step-daughter (9) years old, and I am also trying to build a bond with her. In the earlier months I was very sympathic to her rude behaviour, but now I have to be a father/step-father to her in my actions. Do what is right and your step child will eventually listen and respect you even more.

[Sherri and Matt 1]

Matt has no children of his own, and I have 3 girls agees 16, 15 and 10. Neither one of us had any experience with the step-parent thing. He is wonderful with them and always has been, from his very first visit. It doesn't hurt his case that their dad has never been much of a dad, Matt just slipped right into that role like he had always done it and had just been away.

Communication is the number one most important thing for you and your spouse. He and I have discussed this topic a lot. Although Matt always defers to me on decisions for the girls, if he does tell them something (usually because I am not around) I will support what he said and enforce it. I determined long ago not to allow them to do the divide and conquer thing, and heaven help them if I ever hear one of them say " I don't have to do what you say, you are not my father". The 16 year old is the only one to push the issue so far, and well, she's 16. After I did enforce what he told her not to do, she didn't try it again. We already are in the mode of presenting a united front and then discussing issues when we are alone. It's just been us girls in the house for a long time, so it is an adjustment, but I have just reminded them it is Matt's house too.

So far, things have been more than fine. He even walked the 10 year old to family night at school and met her teachers and had dinner with her in the school cafeteria. I work until 8 p.m. and she had forgotten to give us the announcement the teacher sent home, so it was all very last minute. Her bio dad has never darkened the doorway of her school, so needless to say, she was beaming. He earned quite a few brownie points with everyone else too!

I guess I believe it's mostly about how you and your spouse define your role. Talk about everything, but not in front of your son. When my 16 year old asked Matt if he wanted to have kids of his own someday, his response was that he already has 3. He came into this with the attitude and belief that he was not just marrying me, he was getting a whole family.

Stay tuned, we just found out the 16 year old is pregnant. He's going to be a grandad at 30. Poor guy.

[Krikit 1,164]

Communication is the number one most important thing for you and your spouse. He and I have discussed this topic a lot. Although Matt always defers to me on decisions for the girls, if he does tell them something (usually because I am not around) I will support what he said and enforce it. I determined long ago not to allow them to do the divide and conquer thing, and heaven help them if I ever hear one of them say " I don't have to do what you say, you are not my father". The 16 year old is the only one to push the issue so far, and well, she's 16. After I did enforce what he told her not to do, she didn't try it again. We already are in the mode of presenting a united front and then discussing issues when we are alone. It's just been us girls in the house for a long time, so it is an adjustment, but I have just reminded them it is Matt's house too.

That is SOOOOOOOOOOO important.

Stay tuned, we just found out the 16 year old is pregnant. He's going to be a grandad at 30. Poor guy.

Wow. That's huge. How is everyone handling that?