Need advice ASAP...divorce after husband arriving here

[kaus&Sanu 0]

I agree with rikka and bob4anna. You have him in a completely new environment, and given he's having issues adjusting to a completely new environment you want to drop him and move one.

He's counting what he eats and feels he is in your way thus sleeping in the garage.

I suggest working things out, marriage is not a joke and you cant just hand in the towel because issues arise.

[TBoneTX 45,663]

It is hard to adjust to a completely new environment at that age for most people... he's feeling so low that he counts the food he's eating to show you that he does not cost you much...

I consider this to be an extremely circumspect and perhaps very accurate evaluation. My own wife has told me countless times how lucky WE are that she had been to the U.S. before she entered on the K-1 visa, because she had an idea of what life would be like. On her previous visits, she experienced the usual pain of adjustment & homesickness. Her two girlfriends, who both came for the first time on marriage-based visas, cried their eyes out for MONTHS as they tried to adjust to their new lives.

The feeling would be even worse for most men, I firmly believe. And, every INDIVIDUAL experiences & handles the situation differently. At least as far as we know, he is not "confronting" (escaping) his situation by getting drunk every night or chasing other women; he seems to be living in overwhelming, indescribable pain. In this kind of agony, proceeding on a route "out" of it is very hard to begin and to adhere to.

Svetlana, if you're determined to divorce, that's your decision. Respectfully (and more so because you didn't ask for advice), I sincerely hope that you'll reconsider.

[Svetlana 0]

Went to web today...O my God!!! I can't believe so many people here for me!

I want to cry!

After night in garage he change for 180 degrees....stop writing BS food calculation,

very nice to me, keeps going to English classes....

I able to divorce any time, but I feel responsable for person who I brought to this Country.

I still angry for him to don't learn English for whole year when we were having a fun with Vermont ...for now I am keep trying to get him a job...may be feelings will come back to me.

Any way, my life is so miserable now...my Mom is telling me that was big huge mistake.

I am nice with my husband , he doesn't even know what's going on with me.

Thank you all for writing to me.

[john_and_marlene 162]

Went to web today...O my God!!! I can't believe so many people here for me!

I want to cry!

After night in garage he change for 180 degrees....stop writing BS food calculation,

very nice to me, keeps going to English classes....

I able to divorce any time, but I feel responsable for person who I brought to this Country.

I still angry for him to don't learn English for whole year when we were having a fun with Vermont ...for now I am keep trying to get him a job...may be feelings will come back to me.

Any way, my life is so miserable now...my Mom is telling me that was big huge mistake.

I am nice with my husband , he doesn't even know what's going on with me.

Thank you all for writing to me.

Do I get banned if I point out that the sentence structure of this post is entirely different from earlier posts? I don't think this post was from the same person.

[Svetlana 0]

Went to web today...O my God!!! I can't believe so many people here for me!

I want to cry!

After night in garage he change for 180 degrees....stop writing BS food calculation,

very nice to me, keeps going to English classes....

I able to divorce any time, but I feel responsable for person who I brought to this Country.

I still angry for him to don't learn English for whole year when we were having a fun with Vermont ...for now I am keep trying to get him a job...may be feelings will come back to me.

Any way, my life is so miserable now...my Mom is telling me that was big huge mistake.

I am nice with my husband , he doesn't even know what's going on with me.

Thank you all for writing to me.

Do I get banned if I point out that the sentence structure of this post is entirely different from earlier posts? I don't think this post was from the same person.

No, it's still me, Svetlana.

[christeen 966]

I really do encourage you to try to work on things and give him some more time... It seems your personal situation (job and such) has recently changed dramatically as well as the addition of your husband coming over into the mix.. We are all sometimes thrown difficult situations to have to deal with and any major changes in life can cause stress... It seems to me that you are dealing with several life changes like job, income, new husband and living circumstances and new responsibilities which all might seem overwhelming especially with outside pressures of others pointing out what they believe to be mistakes you are making.

As for your husband, he is dealing with a leaving his home, not knowing the language, trying to find a job in an almost impossible economy. He will learn the language just by being out and around and HAVING to use English... just give him time. Perhaps it was difficult for him to learn in Russia since he was not forced to learn and could rely on being able to speak Russian if someone did not understand....

Marriage takes effort on both ends and is not always an easy road... otherwise they would not have the phrase "for better or for worse" in the vows. I do know that it is much easier to have someone helping you through difficult times and finding a way for your differences to compliment and help each other. In my humble opinion you both have so many life changes that you are dealing with that adding a divorce and the issues that come with that at the moment would just cause even more stress than sticking it out.

I have been married for over 6 years to my Italian husband and we have gone through good and bad times. You are right and life is not a fairy tale or happily ever after but it is having someone who helps balance you and makes you whole. It takes commitment and patience and understanding. Don't close yourself off as you might suprisingly find that it feels good to talk about what is going on and you will learn how to help each other through this stressful time.

I really do wish you the best because I know once you find that balance, you both can be very happy together. You must have had something to keep you going through this Visa Journey, which is stressful enough... so try to find what that was and what it was in your husband that made you want to committ your life to him and keep that in your mind and heart....

[Svetlana 0]

I really do encourage you to try to work on things and give him some more time... It seems your personal situation (job and such) has recently changed dramatically as well as the addition of your husband coming over into the mix.. We are all sometimes thrown difficult situations to have to deal with and any major changes in life can cause stress... It seems to me that you are dealing with several life changes like job, income, new husband and living circumstances and new responsibilities which all might seem overwhelming especially with outside pressures of others pointing out what they believe to be mistakes you are making.

As for your husband, he is dealing with a leaving his home, not knowing the language, trying to find a job in an almost impossible economy. He will learn the language just by being out and around and HAVING to use English... just give him time. Perhaps it was difficult for him to learn in Russia since he was not forced to learn and could rely on being able to speak Russian if someone did not understand....

Marriage takes effort on both ends and is not always an easy road... otherwise they would not have the phrase "for better or for worse" in the vows. I do know that it is much easier to have someone helping you through difficult times and finding a way for your differences to compliment and help each other. In my humble opinion you both have so many life changes that you are dealing with that adding a divorce and the issues that come with that at the moment would just cause even more stress than sticking it out.

I have been married for over 6 years to my Italian husband and we have gone through good and bad times. You are right and life is not a fairy tale or happily ever after but it is having someone who helps balance you and makes you whole. It takes commitment and patience and understanding. Don't close yourself off as you might suprisingly find that it feels good to talk about what is going on and you will learn how to help each other through this stressful time.

I really do wish you the best because I know once you find that balance, you both can be very happy together. You must have had something to keep you going through this Visa Journey, which is stressful enough... so try to find what that was and what it was in your husband that made you want to committ your life to him and keep that in your mind and heart....

Thank you Dear, you can't believe how all this helping me!

I am in a panic about his English and job...+ I have my Mother to live with me.

For her I am the bst one, the beautiful, the smard an noone will be fgood enough for me.

My daughter (23) told me to not listening Grandma and try to work with my marriage.

This all thread went so far awya from begining.

I was pist and I was positive he would like to go back

That's why I was wondering do I have to do divorce paper here.

Any way, thank you so much for your letter. It helped.

[christeen 966]

I really do encourage you to try to work on things and give him some more time... It seems your personal situation (job and such) has recently changed dramatically as well as the addition of your husband coming over into the mix.. We are all sometimes thrown difficult situations to have to deal with and any major changes in life can cause stress... It seems to me that you are dealing with several life changes like job, income, new husband and living circumstances and new responsibilities which all might seem overwhelming especially with outside pressures of others pointing out what they believe to be mistakes you are making.

As for your husband, he is dealing with a leaving his home, not knowing the language, trying to find a job in an almost impossible economy. He will learn the language just by being out and around and HAVING to use English... just give him time. Perhaps it was difficult for him to learn in Russia since he was not forced to learn and could rely on being able to speak Russian if someone did not understand....

Marriage takes effort on both ends and is not always an easy road... otherwise they would not have the phrase "for better or for worse" in the vows. I do know that it is much easier to have someone helping you through difficult times and finding a way for your differences to compliment and help each other. In my humble opinion you both have so many life changes that you are dealing with that adding a divorce and the issues that come with that at the moment would just cause even more stress than sticking it out.

I have been married for over 6 years to my Italian husband and we have gone through good and bad times. You are right and life is not a fairy tale or happily ever after but it is having someone who helps balance you and makes you whole. It takes commitment and patience and understanding. Don't close yourself off as you might suprisingly find that it feels good to talk about what is going on and you will learn how to help each other through this stressful time.

I really do wish you the best because I know once you find that balance, you both can be very happy together. You must have had something to keep you going through this Visa Journey, which is stressful enough... so try to find what that was and what it was in your husband that made you want to committ your life to him and keep that in your mind and heart....

Thank you Dear, you can't believe how all this helping me!

I am in a panic about his English and job...+ I have my Mother to live with me.

For her I am the bst one, the beautiful, the smard an noone will be fgood enough for me.

My daughter (23) told me to not listening Grandma and try to work with my marriage.

This all thread went so far awya from begining.

I was pist and I was positive he would like to go back

That's why I was wondering do I have to do divorce paper here.

Any way, thank you so much for your letter. It helped.

Well, he is your husband, not your mothers so this is a decision you have to make with your heart and what is best for you. Try to see the man you married and remember why you are together. I know sometimes we all get frustrated with our SO so keep calm, dont do anything too brash and Best wishes...

[TBoneTX 45,663]

Svetlana, another thing to think about: If you have complained about him to your mother (telling her the BAD or NEGATIVE), but not also telling her about GOOD or POSITIVE things when they happen, she will naturally think that everything is hopeless. EVERYBODY goes through this, and it's very common. Make sure that she knows about the good things that happen, too.

Regarding the English: My former girlfriend came to Canada from Czechoslovakia, as a refugee. She was placed into "English immersion" classes in school, where only English was spoken. She did not stop crying for two solid weeks, but after that, she began picking up the language, and her situation improved from then on. When I met her years later, when she was an adult, she did not even have an accent in her spoken English (except Canadian, eh).

Please consider looking through the Russian subforum here on VJ, because surely others here have had to help their Russian spouses learn English. And, CERTAINLY others have had to help their spouses adjust to life in the U.S. You might post a message there and ask if someone's Russian spouse would like to be a friend to your husband, and talk to him by phone to tell him his/her experiences and that what your husband is going through is quite normal.

Finally, tell your husband that Russian is a VERY complex, difficult, and intricate language, and that he will have a MUCH easier time learning English than 99.99% of Americans would have trying to learn Russian. Therefore, he's ahead of the game before he even starts! That should make him feel better, correct?

Edited September 24, 2009 by TBoneTX

[Svetlana 0]

Svetlana, another thing to think about: If you have complained about him to your mother (telling her the BAD or NEGATIVE), but not also telling her about GOOD or POSITIVE things when they happen, she will naturally think that everything is hopeless. EVERYBODY goes through this, and it's very common. Make sure that she knows about the good things that happen, too.

Regarding the English: My former girlfriend came to Canada from Czechoslovakia, as a refugee. She was placed into "English immersion" classes in school, where only English was spoken. She did not stop crying for two solid weeks, but after that, she began picking up the language, and her situation improved from then on. When I met her years later, when she was an adult, she did not even have an accent in her spoken English (except Canadian, eh).

Please consider looking through the Russian subforum here on VJ, because surely others here have had to help their Russian spouses learn English. And, CERTAINLY others have had to help their spouses adjust to life in the U.S. You might post a message there and ask if someone's Russian spouse would like to be a friend to your husband, and talk to him by phone to tell him his/her experiences and that what your husband is going through is quite normal.

Finally, tell your husband that Russian is a VERY complex, difficult, and intricate language, and that he will have a MUCH easier time learning English than 99.99% of Americans would have trying to learn Russian. Therefore, he's ahead of the game before he even starts! That should make him feel better, correct?

Thank you!

Things are going a little bit better. He is using my help with learning English.

And... I told my Mother she is killing me with her every days conversations.

I don't know for how long time she will be quiet, will see

I found a yard work for 2 days for him, better than nothing, plus it's American nice lady,

she will speak with him English ...

[Ellie-and-David 38]

I'm really happy you decided to stick with this Svetlana. I really do think you need to give him some time.

I learned french in school for 4 years, my step father is french and spoke in french to me at home and yet...

It's not until I was forced to speak it in France that it actually really clicked. My french is horrible again now because I haven't been immersed in the language for a long time....but as long as he surrounds himself with English speaking people and you speak to him in English, he will be speaking coherently and understanding the language before you know it.

[christeen 966]

Same thing happened for me with Italian. I went there and my husband had to leave early for work on the ship and left me there with just his parents (no english) and I had to communicate somehow. Up till that point I only had my 3 Italian classes I took and some books. I too learned more in that month by myself by being immersed in the language... So give him some time in this enviornment to get an ear for English....

[Svetlana 0]

Same thing happened for me with Italian. I went there and my husband had to leave early for work on the ship and left me there with just his parents (no english) and I had to communicate somehow. Up till that point I only had my 3 Italian classes I took and some books. I too learned more in that month by myself by being immersed in the language... So give him some time in this enviornment to get an ear for English....

I am lost in your Italian...are you married now Italian?

My sport instructor is coming every week for 2-3 hours to help him with English.

And he is taking English classes twice a week at local community college.

I know it takes time, but we still have to find a job for him (I lost my fancy job with this economy)./

I came to US 12 years ago and pick up English from people,TV...never went to English classes.

I know it's hard, specially at this age (we are both 54).

Well, I am doing best what I can now, thank you for your communication with me.

It's really help, aspecially when people wriote me all mothers are hard to live with.

Last night she told me I'll have cancer becouse of stress with him.

I was brave enough to answer "I'll have cancer from talking to her every day"

So, I screw her life, but she is 80 and will be not forever with me and then I'll be along if I listen to her now.

All so complecated!!!

[christeen 966]

Yes, I am married to an Italian, we celebrated our 6th anniversary this year.... He worked on a ship and just got his first land job here so we are just now needing the GC. And you are starting to think things how you need to. And you are right, unfortunatly our mothers will not be around forever and it is us that have to make our own choices and have to think of our own happiness. It is YOUR life, not your mothers.... He might not have been HER choice, but it is HER choice to live with you so either she accepts that or finds other accommodations. At some point you have to defend your husband as he is your teamate in life now...

This economy is sooo tough now, for everyone... So now is the time to work together.... Buckle up and work through this and once things get better, you both will be stronger from it AND have some common expierences to draw from and keep you guys together...You never really know a person until you have faced difficult times together.... Everyone gets along when times are good!

But dont let your mother ruin things for you as she will unfortunatly not be around to face the consequences, you will... I can honestly say that I feel much stronger that I have my husband to lean on and help me through things... and vice versa... Having someone who is always on your side is a great feeling, don't throw that chance away too quickly because of some bumps in the road.

[Svetlana 0]

Yes, I am married to an Italian, we celebrated our 6th anniversary this year.... He worked on a ship and just got his first land job here so we are just now needing the GC. And you are starting to think things how you need to. And you are right, unfortunatly our mothers will not be around forever and it is us that have to make our own choices and have to think of our own happiness. It is YOUR life, not your mothers.... He might not have been HER choice, but it is HER choice to live with you so either she accepts that or finds other accommodations. At some point you have to defend your husband as he is your teamate in life now...

This economy is sooo tough now, for everyone... So now is the time to work together.... Buckle up and work through this and once things get better, you both will be stronger from it AND have some common expierences to draw from and keep you guys together...You never really know a person until you have faced difficult times together.... Everyone gets along when times are good!

But dont let your mother ruin things for you as she will unfortunatly not be around to face the consequences, you will... I can honestly say that I feel much stronger that I have my husband to lean on and help me through things... and vice versa... Having someone who is always on your side is a great feeling, don't throw that chance away too quickly because of some bumps in the road.

Thank you, Christeen!!! Have a nice day!

I better work now, but it's so great to read all of this!

Yes, I am married to an Italian, we celebrated our 6th anniversary this year.... He worked on a ship and just got his first land job here so we are just now needing the GC. And you are starting to think things how you need to. And you are right, unfortunatly our mothers will not be around forever and it is us that have to make our own choices and have to think of our own happiness. It is YOUR life, not your mothers.... He might not have been HER choice, but it is HER choice to live with you so either she accepts that or finds other accommodations. At some point you have to defend your husband as he is your teamate in life now...

This economy is sooo tough now, for everyone... So now is the time to work together.... Buckle up and work through this and once things get better, you both will be stronger from it AND have some common expierences to draw from and keep you guys together...You never really know a person until you have faced difficult times together.... Everyone gets along when times are good!

But dont let your mother ruin things for you as she will unfortunatly not be around to face the consequences, you will... I can honestly say that I feel much stronger that I have my husband to lean on and help me through things... and vice versa... Having someone who is always on your side is a great feeling, don't throw that chance away too quickly because of some bumps in the road.

Thank you, Christeen!!! Have a nice day!

I better work now, but it's so great to read all of this!