the biggest mistake you will ever make

[JimVaPhuong 4,863]

Argumentum ad Hominem. Attacking the OP's credibility neither disproves nor confirms the validity of his statements, which have to be evaluated on their own merits.

Very few people have the luxury of being able to abandon their lives and effectively drop off the face of the earth so that they can spend 7 months living with their foreign fiancee. You would have to be:

A: Wealthy, or

B: Without any commitments or responsibilities, or

C: Willing to abandon your commitments or responsibilities, or foist them off on someone else for an extended period of time.

If information revealed in this thread is correct, then OP may be a combination of B and C. This might make his advice impractical for the majority of us who fit none of these categories, but that also doesn't make it invalid. Let's see if we can find out what does...

The reality is that most people do not and cannot spend all of their time with the person they intend to marry. This is true even of two US citizens living in the same area. An average US couple probably sees each other a few times a week, for a few hours at a time. The rest of their time "together" is spent in brief conversations on the telephone or internet. You can accumulate the same amount of "together" time with a foreign fiancee by taking a couple of two or three week holidays to their country in a year.

Many US couples cannot co-habitate before marriage, some for practical reasons and others for moral reasons. "Shacking up" isn't possible. They don't learn what it's like to live with each other until after the marriage. They go through the same period of adjustment that an American with a foreign spouse would go through.

It would seem to me that the most significant differences between an American couple and an American/foreign couple are:

1: The foreign spouse may have a cultural background that is vastly different from most Americans, and

2: The foreign spouse will likely go through a period of isolation and loneliness, since they cannot continue the life they had before coming to the US; work, friends, family, etc.

I would think that addressing these two points is far more likely to result in a relationship that is successful in the long term than, say, camping out in your fiancee's home country for many months. If you do choose the latter course, and chuck your life and career out the window for a long holiday in an exotic country, what would you have to offer your spouse on returning to the US, other than the privilege of applying for a green card? Also, how would that change the possibility that the relationship may collapse because of points 1 and 2 above?

As for me, I've worked long and hard to build a career and acquire assets to make my life more comfortable. My fiancee has done the same in her country. One of us is going to have to abandon that and start over if our relationship is going to last. I'd prefer (and so would she) that we didn't both have to start over.

[NickD 202]

If the USCIS says 90 days is enough to make a decision about marriage, that is got to be correct, they have the knowledge and the wisdom.

Course they also said 90 days is enough before your condition green card expires to renew it, but ours took 92 days, plus a year, but we won't talk about that extra year and two days.

Why don't you write your congressman and suggest the USCIS gives you 92 days instead of only 90 to make that decision?

[brlukath 1]

So homeboy's crazy... but even locos can drop knowledge on occassion. The best way to get to know a person and investigate their character for marriage is almost always in person. Even those people who had an online love affair have to admit that. I don't understand why anyone would say "don't listen to this guy", when his point is true. Maybe what people were really trying to point out is that--whether in person or online--if you don't talk about the right things or make the right kind of connection, your "relationship" will be on shaky ground. If you can afford it, go live near your SO, but if you can't, figure out what is the next best thing for you and do that.

And, what is most important here on VJ is that people try to reserve their judgment about other people's relationships (at least until the red flags start flying). That was the OP's big mistake (other than being creepy). I can't understand how you onliners could possibly want to marry someone you met on the internet. But, my secretary can't understand how I have continued with my SO for 2 years since I moved home from his country. Ultimately, we have all invested money, time, and emotion in these relationships. However, your's got started I hope it is successful.

[I AM NOT THAT GUY 5,715]

Chat does not subsitute for time spent with the person you are getting a fiance visa for.

Going to visit your fiance just to establish you met in person and see them on a vacation does not

give you the time you need to make a good judgement.

Many people ( mostly men) have traveled to somewhere in asia after chatting for some length of time and

visit their fiance and then come home and sign her up for a fiance visa.

There is nothing wrong with getting a fiance from another country, but take the time to stay with her in

her country. I have been living in my fiances country with her for 7 months now.

I live very modestly, (poor) but we get by so far. We will be married possibly next month.

Spend time in person living real life.... take it for what its worth

He's back!

[Minya's wife 24]

Didn't you post the same thread about a month ago? Why are you concerned w/ "getting the word out there" about K-1's being a big mistake. Just because this visa didn't prove a good choice for you (twice) does not mean it is not a viable and good option for others. Really, what's your issue?

[tmma 467]

He's back!

[brlukath 1]

I also think that JimVaPhuong makes some good points (especially about cultural accomodation of your SO), which seem even more relevant once you establish that marriage is a real possibility by getting to know each other either in person, long distance, or some combo of the two.

[JimVaPhuong 4,863]

I actually got excited when I first saw the title of this thread because I thought it was going to be about marrying my ex-wife.

[Nik+Heather 121]

Argumentum ad Hominem. Attacking the OP's credibility neither disproves nor confirms the validity of his statements, which have to be evaluated on their own merits.

Jim, I agree with most of your post except this part.

Perhaps in intellectual debate this is true. However when someone offers me personal advice about my life, I think their character and how they have made their decisions in their life is completely relevant to whether or not I will consider their advice, ESPECIALLY if it's the "You should do as I do" sort of advice.

When the "arguments" are merely assertions and not backed up by anything other than "personal experience" then character and past actions deeply affect their credibility and therefore the validity of any current or future assertions.

By my count, this is your second unintended foray into the OT forum, soon you'll be a regular!

[tmma 467]

I actually got excited when I first saw the title of this thread because I thought it was going to be about marrying my ex-wife.

I'm just happy he's not back in hospital again over there.

THAT was my 1st thought. 'Oh #######....he's back in and needs $$$$$ again...'

IB4TL!

[Tinkerbell TX 0]

Chat does not subsitute for time spent with the person you are getting a fiance visa for.

Going to visit your fiance just to establish you met in person and see them on a vacation does not

give you the time you need to make a good judgement.

Many people ( mostly men) have traveled to somewhere in asia after chatting for some length of time and

visit their fiance and then come home and sign her up for a fiance visa.

There is nothing wrong with getting a fiance from another country, but take the time to stay with her in

her country. I have been living in my fiances country with her for 7 months now.

I live very modestly, (poor) but we get by so far. We will be married possibly next month.

Spend time in person living real life.... take it for what its worth

On the contrary.........

Chat is a great way to get to know someone without the pressure to become physical. It makes you focus on really talking things out.

Visiting your prospective fiance is a must and does give one the first indications of whether you are suited to each other.

Her?? How about "him"?? men aren't the only ones meeting SO's from other countries!

By all means, go experience the other's culture.......if you can visit for longer than a week or 2 all the better. Like others have said, longer than 3-4 weeks is probably not do-able for most people. That said, one can also learn about the other's culture by reading books, among other things.

Doesn't matter if time spent together is online, on the phone or face to face as long as you are spending time together.

[Deputy Purple 1,294]

Have to say I agree 100% with Nik+Heather, while JimVaPhoung makes some valid points when the only thing backing-up your position is your credibility then it is relevant.

I'd go further and say that his credibility wasn't attacked it was brought to light.

Argumentum ad Hominem. Attacking the OP's credibility neither disproves nor confirms the validity of his statements, which have to be evaluated on their own merits.

Jim, I agree with most of your post except this part.

Perhaps in intellectual debate this is true. However when someone offers me personal advice about my life, I think their character and how they have made their decisions in their life is completely relevant to whether or not I will consider their advice, ESPECIALLY if it's the "You should do as I do" sort of advice.

When the "arguments" are merely assertions and not backed up by anything other than "personal experience" then character and past actions deeply affect their credibility and therefore the validity of any current or future assertions.

By my count, this is your second unintended foray into the OT forum, soon you'll be a regular!

[Ellie-and-David 38]

Argumentum ad Hominem. Attacking the OP's credibility neither disproves nor confirms the validity of his statements, which have to be evaluated on their own merits.

Jim, I agree with most of your post except this part.

Perhaps in intellectual debate this is true. However when someone offers me personal advice about my life, I think their character and how they have made their decisions in their life is completely relevant to whether or not I will consider their advice, ESPECIALLY if it's the "You should do as I do" sort of advice.

When the "arguments" are merely assertions and not backed up by anything other than "personal experience" then character and past actions deeply affect their credibility and therefore the validity of any current or future assertions.

By my count, this is your second unintended foray into the OT forum, soon you'll be a regular!

Absolutely agree with you. I wouldn't for example, request the advice of Elizabeth Taylor on how to maintain a long and happy marriage.

[JimVaPhuong 4,863]

Argumentum ad Hominem. Attacking the OP's credibility neither disproves nor confirms the validity of his statements, which have to be evaluated on their own merits.

Jim, I agree with most of your post except this part.

Perhaps in intellectual debate this is true. However when someone offers me personal advice about my life, I think their character and how they have made their decisions in their life is completely relevant to whether or not I will consider their advice, ESPECIALLY if it's the "You should do as I do" sort of advice.

When the "arguments" are merely assertions and not backed up by anything other than "personal experience" then character and past actions deeply affect their credibility and therefore the validity of any current or future assertions.

By my count, this is your second unintended foray into the OT forum, soon you'll be a regular!

Hey, this forum sucks enough of my time away. I got dragged into OT kicking and screaming because this topic started in one of the "legit" forums!

I was saying that even someone with absolutely no credibility can make a statement that is true, and you shouldn't discount the statement as automatically being false just because the person who made the statement has a track record for failure. Many of the people in this thread, up until that point, had been focusing on the OP's credibility without addressing the substance of his post. Occasionally, some very good advice comes from people who have already made all of the mistakes. While that wasn't true in THIS case, I just wanted to steer the debate back to the message and away from the messenger.

As far as credibility goes, I wouldn't take financial advise from Warren Buffett without researching it first.

[spookyturtle 9,465]

Getting married is the biggest mistake you can make.