Questions/Concerns you wished you had discussed before they got here

[100% Al Ahly Fan 53]

Salaam and hello everyone.

Ahmed and I have a very open relationship, al7amdulillah, after all we are best friends. We can talk about everything and anything. I know we have discussed numerous times of all the concerns and things we want for our life, our marriage, our family and so forth. Although, I am certain there is much more we will realize once he actually gets here. So, I was thinking to ask everyone here on the MENA forum what would you haved discussed, asked, or given concerns too that you didn't talk about BEFORE your SO got here.

Thanks everyone for your contribution to this. It's appreciated.

[nurse1967 287]

Sharifah this is a great topic!! Hopefully we can get some good advice!!

[100% Al Ahly Fan 53]

Sharifah this is a great topic!! Hopefully we can get some good advice!!

Thanks Bets, me too!

[ya falaha! 0]

Great topic!

I would have to say, no, there's nothing I wished I discussed prior to my husband's arrival. However, there are tons of things I wished my husband would have taken seriously such as the poor economy and lack of jobs in the area. Basically that life is not as easy here as many would like to think it is. Problem is (and I know many here have the similar experience) many men listen to fellow countrymen more than they listen to their wives who actually live in the US. They act as if other men, even though they have no experience here, seem to know more than women who actually have experience here.

I will finalize by saying no amount of talking/prepping will fully prepare someone for life here. All we can do is try to work together to make the best of the situation. Also, I would recommend recording the conversations about life here so they can't come back and say they weren't warned.

Edited September 13, 2009 by Astarte

[morocco4ever 63]

Great topic!

I would have to say, no, there's nothing I wished I discussed prior to my husband's arrival. However, there are tons of things I wished my husband would have taken seriously such as the poor economy and lack of jobs in the area. Basically that life is not as easy here as many would like to think it is. Problem is (and I know many here have the similar experience) many men listen to fellow countrymen more than they listen to their wives who actually live in the US. They act as if other men, even though they have no experience here, seem to know more than women who actually have experience here.

I will finalize by saying no amount of talking/prepping will fully prepare someone for life here. All we can do is try to work together to make the best of the situation. Also, I would recommend recording the conversations about life here so they can't come back and say they weren't warned.

Wow, do you read minds?

There are so many things that need to be addressed. My husband and I covered the majority of them, but of course a few things that I didn't think of came up when he got here. Of course I am drawing a blank at the moment, but this is a great topic. I have to agree with what Astarte has added. Sometimes, well most times they seem to listen more to what their friends tell them. And the one thing that really bothers me is that many of their friends that have moved here will ship an expensive vehicle there for their next visit. Now come on now, how many of these men come here and make it big enough to buy these expensive cars? And why do they feel the need to ship it there? This gives everyone there the impression that money is flowing out of everyone's whoha. I have tried to explain to him that this is nothing more than a front. These men have extended their limits to show off, and more than likely they have some nasty apartment in some horrible neighborhood, and live with a multitude of other people to be able to have afforded that car. We don't have an expensive car, but he does have himself a very nice motorcycle. He thought about shipping it there, but after seeing the cost he decided against it. I was never for it, what a waste of money. This doesn't prove we have money coming out of our ears, it means that we indulge in once nice thing.

It isn't all roses when they get here. It is a huge change for both the husband and wife, and it takes time, patience, and understanding. Of course each man is going to have different adjustment periods depending on their personalities, but rarely do I find one that has no issues at all. I think the biggest misconception my husband had was the money issues. We had talked about it, but it didn't sink it. I tried to explain that he would have to start at the bottom of the workforce. I told him it is hard work, and when you come home you are exhausted, and it seems that every penny you earn is put towards living expense. When we bought food he would freak about how much was spent. He needed to actually go with me to understand that basic food prices are high, and there is no way around it. He also had to learn that the household expenses are high as well. House payments, utilities, taxes, insurances, etc. He went through a phase were he tried to find ways to cut this down. One of his ideas was to not have insurance. Well earlier this summer we had a portion of our fence that blew over from a micro burst wind. So lesson learned here. Can you imagine if I had agreed and we had something major like a fire? I have to admit though that we had been talking about putting up a new fence in that area, so it kind of worked out in a way. But wrong time financially. Oh well!

Another thing that comes to mind is that he had to prepare himself for the way women here dress in the summer. In Morocco any woman that dressed somewhat immodest was considered a b!tch there. It did take some time for him to understand that women here do not dress that way to advertise, it is a hot day and this is comfortable. I can't say I know for sure if he gets that concept yet.

Dating, this is another difficult area. Although we had talked about I didn't understand at first why he was so against the concept of dating. I finally get it now. When they hear they are dating they assume they are having sex. Of course it happens, it is wrong to assume that it is. But even if it is, it doesn't mean that the woman is a b!tch here. It just happens that it is more acceptable here to have premarital sex than it is there. This one is hard to deal with, but come on now, how many men back in the MENA have had premarital sex? I make sure to point that one out when necessary.

With the upcoming Eid I am reminded at how hard this transition was for him. This is one we didn't think of discussing. He got his visa right before one of his Eid's. I don't remember the name, but it was not the one after Ramadan. His mother asked him to stay long enough to spend Eid with her. I through a fit when he told me. I wish I had not done that. After I calmed down I told him to stay for Eid, but he had already decided to come, so we booked his ticket. Every Eid he feels let down. There is no way to make Eid the same here as it is there. The feeling is gone. I have no idea how to bring that one here for him. I relate this to how I would feel if I was there during Christmas. This one really makes me feel bad, and I don't think there is a way to fix it.

Okay, I am writing a novel here. I hope some others have some good ones as well.

[Melly 2 0]

If I remember right, there is a thread with this subject already, though it's a wee bit older. I'd have a search for it but I'm not that great when it comes to the search function here on the board. Maybe someone else can have a look for it? Only because I'm sure it has some great stuff in it that could benefit those still waiting.

I guess my situation is a bit reversed, since I came to Egypt to live instead of us filing and having him go live with me in the States, though our original intention was for him to move to California and live with me. Sometimes after reading all of the adjustment stories, I'm glad I moved here, as I think it's an easier adjustment for me to make.

But, you never know, we may move to the States at some point, and this board has been invaluable in terms of others offering up their experience in all types of situations.

[doodlebugg 10]

I could have told him to start lifting weights so he could get used to shoveling the snow in the winter.

One thing I never mentioned is not to kiss the men or hold hands while walking down the street with them. He went out early on with this dude who worked at a gas station and learned this one the hard way. Luckily the guy was from Cairo too and clued him in.

Things we talked about beforehand:

• Dating does not equal sex. (this is in regards to my daughters)
• There isn't a mosque every two seconds here. You have to get in a car and drive 10 to 15 minutes to get to one.
• Not everyone knows what everyone's religion is here. (he was shocked that I didn't know the religion of everyone on my street. lol)
• The job situation here sucks. (he basically already knew that since he reads the news a lot but it was good to remind him since I guess it sunk in)
• You're not going to be responsible for all of us financially for a long long time so suck it up and don't stress out about it all.

I think part of our luck is the fact that his best friend had moved to Canada a few years prior and although Canada is not the US, the experiences he had re: getting a job, seeing the women half dressed, etc. were very similar. I don't know how we would have been if it hadn't been for his friend. I guess our transition would have been a lot harder. He helped advise him on the resume and interview process since that's not something they were used to. He urged him to start drinking coffee and now he's a Starbucks addict. lol. Even recently when I started getting really bad comments about wearing hijab, etc. his friend told him that he wished his wife would take it off because he worries about her so much. Between that and his sisters urging him to take me to get my hair done and then taking me out to dinner to show off the new do I really was grateful!!!

Other things that he's learned are things you just can't relay properly over the net or on the phone. For example the fact that men here measure their manhood according to how their lawn looks. He just didn't understand why it was so important to keep up with it.

There are some things he'll never learn though. He is getting towels for my family while in Egypt and I told him to make sure they are all white so they'll match everyone's bathroom since white goes with everything. He doesn't *get* why towels have to be color coordinated with a bathroom. He thinks if they are nice big thirsty ones that's all that counts. I think that's a man thing though.

[aya*abouelnasr 0]

Children, I have 3 sons and my almost ex thought they were to be at his beck and call, or mini lawn boys. Any time I asked him to do lawn work, take out the garbage, etc......he would respond, "why can't the boys do it"?

Laws, they aren't the same here as they are in your country, and NO, you can't play stupid and get away without a ticket for violating the law by pretending not to speak english.

Jobs, you can't apply for a job and never follow up on it. Empoyers are not that eager to take on someone with no work history, you have to fight for that job if you really want it.

Education, if you don't have a good one, take advantage of any programs that will help you in getting a better education. ESL, GED, anything!

Some of the things I worried about were the least of things I should have worried about. The way americans dress, the laid back way we are here. Turns out he knew a whole lot more about those things than I had realized. Just because our SOs live in what is considered a 3rd world country doesn't mean they are stupid. They have the net too, remember?

[hollykay 0]

Great topic!

I would have to say, no, there's nothing I wished I discussed prior to my husband's arrival. However, there are tons of things I wished my husband would have taken seriously such as the poor economy and lack of jobs in the area. Basically that life is not as easy here as many would like to think it is. Problem is (and I know many here have the similar experience) many men listen to fellow countrymen more than they listen to their wives who actually live in the US. They act as if other men, even though they have no experience here, seem to know more than women who actually have experience here.

I will finalize by saying no amount of talking/prepping will fully prepare someone for life here. All we can do is try to work together to make the best of the situation. Also, I would recommend recording the conversations about life here so they can't come back and say they weren't warned.

You are so right. I find Ahmed taking advice from other men in Egypt, whom has never in to the US then listening to me, who has lived here all my life. I find myself taking thing slow with him and making sure he undrstands what Im taking about.

[ya falaha! 0]

Just try to have patience, hollykay. I can't speak about all MENA men but I do know that lots of Egyptians are know it alls and experts on life in the US although they've never stepped foot here. Honestly, I think they try to throw each other off. It's a form of cockblocking. No one wants the other to succeed although they're constantly saying otherwise. Hence the big "evil eye" fixation. Everyone's trying to throw the other off track. It's awful frustrating as the American wife. Now I just let my husband figure things out for himself. I know soon enough he'll find out that so and so is full of shitt and I was right all along. They don't learn though. You'd think, once bitten, twice shy....nah. They keep falling for it.

Edited September 14, 2009 by Astarte

[Y's_habibitk 2]

With the upcoming Eid I am reminded at how hard this transition was for him. This is one we didn't think of discussing. He got his visa right before one of his Eid's. I don't remember the name, but it was not the one after Ramadan. His mother asked him to stay long enough to spend Eid with her. I through a fit when he told me. I wish I had not done that. After I calmed down I told him to stay for Eid, but he had already decided to come, so we booked his ticket. Every Eid he feels let down. There is no way to make Eid the same here as it is there. The feeling is gone. I have no idea how to bring that one here for him. I relate this to how I would feel if I was there during Christmas. This one really makes me feel bad, and I don't think there is a way to fix it.

This is something that I've thought about and it makes me sad for him. Like you said, I imagine being over there during Christmas or Easter and how I would feel I dont know the solution either.

This is a good topic, I think it was Rajaa that started one a while back before her hubby came.

Well, we talked and talked and talked...... Nothing has come up yet that wasnt expected or discussed. Some things can be talked about and expected but that doesnt take the feelings away. Like, Y knew he wouldnt be working right away and that it would be hard on him. He did pretty good but had some times. He's working now(had a job as soon as we got the EAD approved email lol go baby!) and he's looking for a better one so it was a short lived issue. Thats about the hardest thing that we knew would come...not working.

Warning about the women in skimpy clothes is a good one too lol

He has been here for 4 months now, things are wonderful and Im so grateful that we did discuss the hell outta everything that came to our minds

I'll look forward to hearing what others have to offer.

[S and S 12]

Make sure he knows there are no drains in the bathroom floor. Someone mentioned that in the old thread which was before my husband came. I made sure to explain to him you can't just get out of the shower soaking wet as there is no where for the water to go. He knew it before he came, but there are times he still forgets and I find a puddle of water on the floor, lol.

I think my husband and I really discussed everything we could before he came, but the transition is hard no matter how much you talk. They really have to start from scratch here and you have to be patient in teaching them everything. I knew this, but there are times you will go crazy from all the questions, lol. When he first got here, we could spend hours in the grocery store as he asked what everything was and why do we need so many kinds of salad dressing, vinegar, ketchup, butter, etc. It is so much more limited there (at least in the places he lived). I'm finally able to send him to the store on his own (which is so wonderful, lol) but I try to keep the list short when I'm not with him and I put a lot of detail on the list. Of course I keep the phone close so when he calls I can answer any questions. Still, I am happy he is willing to get out there and try to figure it out without me. That was a big step.

[*Maureen* 0]

Have you told him how COLD the winter gets here??? and don't get me started on the SNOW...lol

[100% Al Ahly Fan 53]

Have you told him how COLD the winter gets here??? and don't get me started on the SNOW...lol

LOL, I have been warning him. He already told me he's actually "scared" of the Minnesota cold, as he should be

Ahmed, actually lived in the United States (California) for almost five years, so inshaAllah many things will come with ease for him.

[Jenn! 918]

I will finalize by saying no amount of talking/prepping will fully prepare someone for life here. All we can do is try to work together to make the best of the situation. Also, I would recommend recording the conversations about life here so they can't come back and say they weren't warned.

Amen to that!

I'm not sure that talking about it would have done any good, but I wish he had come here with a better understanding of how things can follow you here until the day you die. Parking/speeding tickets, your credit score, etc. These things just don't go away because you don't deal with them, and you can't pay someone off to make it disappear at a discount. And they can really affect your life down the road. If you don't pay your speeding ticket they WILL take away your license. If you lmake late payments on your credit card you WILL have problems securing low-cost credit in the future. They don't mess around with that stuff over here. Although it might not seem like it sometimes, the systems we have in place to track these sorts of things are superior to what they have in Morocco, and even many places in Europe.