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Cold and Flu Prevention

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Filed: Country: Netherlands
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http://www.theonion.com/content/tips/cold_...prevention_tips

Here are some tips to help keep you healthy and germ-free during these cold winter months:

Cold And Flu Prevention Tips

Sneezing into a handkerchief just redirects germs back at you. Always sneeze outward so as to shoot germs as far across the room as possible.

Pack your sinus cavities with Vicks Vap-O-Rub to fully mentholate your respiratory system.

Do not blow your stuffed nose into tissues—this is a myth! Always suck your phlegm into the back of your throat and swallow it in great, goblike mouthfuls.

You don't have to subject yourself to other people's germs. If you see someone who appears to have a cold or fever, contact your local police department.

To prevent infections, have sick people cough into your food. This light "inoculative" dose of germs will boost your body's defenses against a full-blown infection later.

If you are a sickly, anemic, weak person, you have a higher susceptibility to colds and flu. Try not to be such a pansy-####.

Sometimes, a severe respiratory infection will cause the lungs to fill with fluid. If this occurs, flush your lungs repeatedly with boiling hot water to clear them. A hose down your windpipe will help get around the gag reflex.

Make sure your HMO package covers visits to the Halls Of Medicine.

The flu is an extremely contagious, life-threatening disease. Flu sufferers should be either shot with a silver bullet or tortured to death by a professionally shriven, church-appointed excruciator.

Edited by tmma

Liefde is een bloem zo teer dat hij knakt bij de minste aanraking en zo sterk dat niets zijn groei in de weg staat

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IK HOU VAN JOU, MARK

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Take a large, almost round, rotating sphere about 8000 miles in diameter, surround it with a murky, viscous atmosphere of gases mixed with water vapor, tilt its axis so it wobbles back and forth with respect to a source of heat and light, freeze it at both ends and roast it in the middle, cover most of its surface with liquid that constantly feeds vapor into the atmosphere as the sphere tosses billions of gallons up and down to the rhythmic pulling of a captive satellite and the sun. Then try to predict the conditions of that atmosphere over a small area within a 5 mile radius for a period of one to five days in advance!

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