Mixed feelings about having civil wedding first

[kuro 0]

I am having mixed feelings about the idea of getting married at a courthouse first just to be able to file for AOS/EAD and start working. Of course, the main advantage is being able to be with your fiance sooner.

I am probably in the minority here but I feel like I only want to get married once, and definitely not in a courthouse. We want to get married by ourselves in Hawaii next March or April, which means I wouldn't be able to cross until January or February, so I am having a hard time trying to decide what to do. My fiance doesn't really want to get married at a courthouse either but he says he will if we have to.

What did everyone do/what are you planning to do in terms of when and how to get married and why?

[Arabella 4]

I am having mixed feelings about the idea of getting married at a courthouse first just to be able to file for AOS/EAD and start working. Of course, the main advantage is being able to be with your fiance sooner.

I am probably in the minority here but I feel like I only want to get married once, and definitely not in a courthouse. We want to get married by ourselves in Hawaii next March or April, which means I wouldn't be able to cross until January or February, so I am having a hard time trying to decide what to do. My fiance doesn't really want to get married at a courthouse either but he says he will if we have to.

What did everyone do/what are you planning to do in terms of when and how to get married and why?

I feel the same way. We are going to have a beach wedding and try to make it as special as possible. I don't want to get married at the court house and then have a separate wedding later. The only way I would is if we got married a year later on the same date. I don't want 2 wedding dates. Could you do something nice that doesn't take a lot of planning? Vegas, a beach wedding, a package deal at a hotel or something?

Edited September 7, 2009 by Arabella

[SapphireDreams 71]

We got married at the City Clerk's office first and I have no regrets. We really wanted a bigger wedding but knew that wouldn't be possible right away and we had come to the point in our relationship where we really just wanted and needed to be together.

If you can afford to have the wedding you want at your first go, then definitely do it... even if it means having to wait a few more months. A few more months in the grand scheme of things is nothing.

For us the cost of moving, furnishing an apartment from scratch and anticipating months of being unemployed was just a lot to handle on top of the wedding we really wanted. So getting married at the City Clerk's office first allowed us to be together (most important thing) and for me to find a job asap and then afford an apartment and then have the wedding and the savings to pay for the wedding. So far it's working out swimmingly. I moved here and we are finally together and "married", I got a job, we're looking for an apartment and have started to settle in really well and now I get to start planning my lovely wedding and not have to worry about anything immigration.

[minnew 4]

Yes there was definitely some mixed feelings about the courthouse for us. WE were willing to do it because of the immigration costs, unemployment costs, all the expenses incurred from a wedding. Our parents basically stepped in and said you guys are only doing this once, even if it means a few more months away from each other in the grand scheme of things, has really not been that bad for me. I have been keeping busy with work and saving up more $$ for AOS. Our parents also agreed to pay for most of the wedding expenses (80%), which aren't that many considering we will only have 50-60 ppl come. I got the visa in May and I am now moving down this month for my wedding in October. It definitely is doable to plan a wedding(big white) with a K-1, but just a few different considerations need to be made.

[Hugglebuggles 60]

A lot of people get married in a court house first, then plan a wedding later. There are advantages to this of course, the biggest one being time. There is more time to plan, and more time to save. It is also very difficult trying to plan a wedding from up in Canada, especially if your fiance isn't willing to do a lot of the leg work for you.

Despite that, I totally agree. Its a personal choice, and I would never criticize anyone for making that decision, but I couldn't get past the oddness of having a civil wedding on one date, and a ceremonial date on another. I just didn't see a point in throwing a big celebration when there wasn't anything binding behind it, i.e. a legally binding marriage. That and the thought of getting married in a court house wasn't appealing. I figured that i'd always look back at that moment as my wedding day and be unhappy about it. Then there was my family, who thought it was the worst idea i've ever had. Its a little hard to plan a wedding when nobody supports it... I opted to stay in Canada longer then I needed to, and I delayed my AOS filling by several weeks, just to have a wedding the way I wanted it. For me, It was worth it. I'm sure others will tell you they made a different choice and it worked out wonderfully for them as well. Like I said, its personal and a matter of opinion.

If getting married in a court house is the biggest problem for you, then why not hire an officiant and have a small ceremony with just the two of you some place nice? Maybe on a beach, or somewhere outdoors... even in a church if that's appealing to you. Just because you're eloping, it doesn't mean it has to be an unpleasant experience.

[ashenflowers 5]

I have mixed feelings too, but as Sapphire said, it's really the ability to be together that is more important than how fancy a wedding it is. We are getting married at a beach as well, and my parents are coming down for it (it's from Ontario, to California, so it's a far distance), so we can at least have some sort of special thing. I would like to be able to do everything at once, but it's just far too much to handle. And since we have to get married in the US, I wouldn't expect anyone to travel way out to California, and don't want to get married on a border town near here just so people can go (it's still a 2 hour drive for most guests to the US border town anyways). We plan to hold a renewal of vows and reception in Canada for our in the summer of 2011 or so, when we have more time and money to plan (he is from Canada originally, so we have mutual friends in Canada, so it makes sense to us to make sure we come back and have something special here too). It's not the way I'd have imagined it, but really, the marriage is more important than the wedding!

BUT, it is your special day... no one says you have to get married in a courthouse, just because you're having a small civil ceremony! You can do it anywhere, if you're able to get a flexible officiant.

I guess it all depends on the situation though. The funny thing about US/Canada relationships, is that depending on where we live some of us are still within a couple hundred kms of our SOs, and some of us are thousands of miles apart...

[SapphireDreams 71]

A lot of people get married in a court house first, then plan a wedding later. There are advantages to this of course, the biggest one being time. There is more time to plan, and more time to save. It is also very difficult trying to plan a wedding from up in Canada, especially if your fiance isn't willing to do a lot of the leg work for you.

Despite that, I totally agree. Its a personal choice, and I would never criticize anyone for making that decision, but I couldn't get past the oddness of having a civil wedding on one date, and a ceremonial date on another. I just didn't see a point in throwing a big celebration when there wasn't anything binding behind it, i.e. a legally binding marriage. That and the thought of getting married in a court house wasn't appealing. I figured that i'd always look back at that moment as my wedding day and be unhappy about it. Then there was my family, who thought it was the worst idea i've ever had. Its a little hard to plan a wedding when nobody supports it... I opted to stay in Canada longer then I needed to, and I delayed my AOS filling by several weeks, just to have a wedding the way I wanted it. For me, It was worth it. I'm sure others will tell you they made a different choice and it worked out wonderfully for them as well. Like I said, its personal and a matter of opinion.

If getting married in a court house is the biggest problem for you, then why not hire an officiant and have a small ceremony with just the two of you some place nice? Maybe on a beach, or somewhere outdoors... even in a church if that's appealing to you. Just because you're eloping, it doesn't mean it has to be an unpleasant experience.

Very true, just because you elope, it doesn't have to be at the courthouse. We went to the City Clerk's office in NYC, so that was a fun experience. My friend's called it my Sex and the City wedding. It's a day that I will remember forever. It is a great office to get married in (it's all renovated and newly updated)

The different dates had no significance to us but I totally see how it could matter to others. It's just a date for us, no biggie really. We never had an anniversary when we dated either so I guess we aren't really stuck on the dates.

And there is a big significance to our second celebration as we are both Catholic and are very excited to be married in the Catholic church. So, that is another reason why we still see the value in a "second" wedding. I could see how if you weren't interested in the religious aspects, how a second wedding might be a bit redundant or not as meaningful or whatever.

[HannahP 119]

Yes, yes.

My dad would have paid for a full Big White Wedding but he "got out" of it with our quickie wedding.

I wanted the BWW. So did hubby. It's taken YEARS for my family to accept our marriage. "When are you really getting married?" Of course, we never received any presents from anyone. God forbid that we actually get married.

[TimandJoyce 1]

Just to add my two cents worth..lol.

We're getting married once! We have been planning a wedding for months. Tim asked me in October of '08 to marry him, and he didn't realize all the hurdles facing us. We got our petition in about a month later, and made plans, plans, plans. I found my bridesmaids. ( Thankfully, two don't work, and the other is a nurse, and she's pretty good at getting time off) Tim got his groomsmen and ushers together. I found the dresses for the bridal party and myself online, and sent the links to Tim's sister. She's great at sewing. We got A LOT of ideas, and things for the reception online. We contacted as many people as we could to let them know that as soon as we have a date they would be invited. I also had an opportunity, which I know a lot of people can't, to spend the month of April here in SC with Tim, and we got our photographer, reception place, flowers, etc. all lined up. They all understood that we could not set a date yet. We kept hoping for certain ones, but had to push them back. Finally the NOA2 came in April, and my interview in June. I came down the middle of August and we have been going non stop to finalize our details, and now we're into the last 2 weeks before we get married.

Tim has been a trooper. I guess I got one of those rare guys that did a lot of the work. He found several things online, and sent me the links. I found the material for the bridesmaids dress and my wedding dress at Hobby Lobby for $2.99/yard! Not bad eh? It's not easy, but through websites, and when you can get there to visit each other, make as many plans as you can. If you have a date in mind, figure out the average timeline from start to finish to get the visa. You will still have 6 months to use it after you get it. We knew it would be in the fall, and I just had a feeling we would be approved in April. When that came, we picked either the 5th or 19th of Sept. and the 19th worked to be better. Once I got the visa in June, I called Tim and said "give everyone their deposits now!"

Best wishes for your journey. I hope it all goes quickly for you.

[Udella&Wiz 325]

You make it sound as if one can't plan something beautiful during the time you're awaiting the K1 I was not married at a court house, but rather by minister friend of our's. We had a SWW (small white wedding). Small mostly because we had close friends and family only. I don't have a huge famliy or tons of freinds or coworkers who I would have invited and neither does my husband. We were able to do a lot of planning while waiting (gawd knows everyone here has time on their hands....)

I don't know how else to put it except somewhat bluntly, don't get married in any way that doesnt make you 100% happy. You have choices to make. I suspect many of us who are now married here will say, the wedding day, no matter how big or small, is small potatoes in comparison to the remainder of your life. Many of us were llike...phew, thank gawd we can get on to the real deal Being married is so much better then the wedding day itself.

Don't get me wrong though, I agonized many a time over whether what we chose was 'special enough' for our guests and good enough to be OUR wedding day. I drove my fiance nuts.

[JillA 2]

I kind of like having 2 anniversaries actually, more reason to celebrate! We did our civil ceremony at the home of a justice of the peace, I found him on the internet. He was a sweet man and is doing our other wedding as well! Of course it's not ideal, but sometimes in this situation (immigration) you don't always have a choice! I had to accept alot of stuff I didn't originally want to do, but realized that's how it had to be, and I don't regret it one bit! I am a stress case so there was NO WAY I would have been able to plan a wedding in the US while going through immigration and not knowing the date I would be approved my Visa, if I would be approved, etc.

[wowswift 3]

Got married at the courthouse and that was perfect for us. No fuss, cheap, didn't have to put people up for the event.....perfect.

Us too, and we were going for a CR-1 visa, so ours was in Canada obv. city hall wedding, all his family at the "after party". wasn't bad. (I knew there was no way my family could make it due to not having passports and our nice 3 week notice). im not a fan of the big wedding anyways, since im a cheapo, his parents didn't seem to mind since they organized most of it (I just said when to do it and they planned a party lol) Maybe its just me, but I never saw the big fuss in a "big" wedding, just seems like a big waste of money, and i'd rather just not pay the cash for that and don't want to stress over it. but if its important to you, and you have the time to do it how you want, go for it.

i know i wouldn't change a thing

Edited September 7, 2009 by wowswift

[movingsoon2 0]

kuro, I agree with you, a quick court house wedding is not exactly your dream wedding. Go with your plans whether it be Hawaii or whatever, it is your special day and it should be the way you envision it. Just wait to have your visa in your hand before you make definite arrangements.

There are circumstances where people have had to have a court house wedding, if that's what they needed to do, that's fine, you are still married that way. However, you should go with your dreams!

[kuro 0]

Thanks for all the replies. You have given me a lot to think about. I think I am leaning towards staying in Canada until February so I can keep working. After I move down there, we can go and "elope" in Hawaii within a few weeks, just the two of us. Neither of us want a big wedding, nor can we afford it, so there will be minimal planning. I also won't have to sit around for months before I can file for AOS. I will have to wait another 2-3 months to be with my fiance, but like some have said, it is a drop in the bucket compared to all the years you will have together.

Sapphire, you're lucky to have been able to get married at such a nice place!

[Rhiannercakes 14]

My fiance and I are planning to "elope" in Vegas when I get down there.

Well, that was until my parents insisted on being there for the signing of the marriage certificate.

So much for elopement.

They just don't get that we want to marry right away so I can apply for the employment card right away.

I personally don't even want a wedding.

I've never dreamed of having one, ever.

I'm just mostly doing it for family, and my parents are paying for it all.

If they weren't paying for it, I wouldn't be having one. We still might change our minds and not have one, though.

Edited September 7, 2009 by Rhiann