Do the Research... and whatever else!

[CnT4ever 1]

You tell people how miserable you are, they don't like it... you tell them how happy you are, they don't like it It can't all be about the scams and users. I think it's good to tell people when you have a good experience with your spouse, so that they don't feel like they're headed for doom. My post was in response to a few people that seemed to find a quick and easy adjustment to be unusual. As for keeping personal things off VJ, I said that to the OP because she felt she was insulted and judged for something personal she shared (and I agree, she was attacked for that). Oh well, I wish the OP the best.

[CnT4ever 1]

double post

Edited September 4, 2009 by CnT4ever

[Jenn! 918]

PS the ones that contact me by pm I will continue to check up and answer your questions!!! I guess I could waste my time elsewhere..

Asking / answering questions via personal PM's in not exactly accepted here on VJ. Guess it's time to waste your time' elsewhere' .

Wow!

I'm not trying to stir the pot, but I really need to understand this statement: "Asking / answering questions via personal PM's in not exactly accepted here on VJ."

I for one have no problem answering private messages that are sent to me. It is always, 100% someone who needs help during the petition/application return process, and many times it is because they don't want to display specific personal information to the masses for obvious reasons. I wouldn't want anyone to feel they could not approach me via PM if they felt the need to, especially with something as sensitive as a petition/application return.

So if this isn't exactly accepted on VJ, then I really need to know some reasoning to back it up. The only reason I am here now is to help others affected by the return process, period and a good portion of that help is through private messages.

~kiyah~

It's not an official VJ rule, but it has been advised against. Some reasons were discussed here: http://www.visajourney.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=7569

YMMV

[allousa 1]

I guess I'm considered on "old-timer" and I think most here know I try and steer clear of drama...didn't always at first when I came on here.

I can certainly appreciate the OP's viewpoints and comments as I did feel that way when I first came here. But now that I'm on the other side of the fence, I can see the "old-timers" viewpoints as well. I really think it's the prespective of your "journey" and where you are at in it. I know that in the beginning, I felt hopeless and wanted some answers and anything that might give me strength to hold on a little longer.

Our journey was a little different in that my husband and I had a life here in the States and suddenly found out he could NOT come back to the States when he went to visit his mother because of our attorney not knowing what he was doing. We were separated for 4 years and had to start all over after having already been through a 1 1/2 of immigration processing already! In the 4 years that my husband was in Morocco, I lost my father to liver cancer and gave birth to our son, each one being the most life-altering moment, and I had to do it without my husband. As horribly painful as those moments were, I don't propose that my pain is more than others, because what we each go through is UNIQUE to us. I can't say that I feel more than you and vice versa.

I can understand that it might appear as though there is a "clique" because I thought that in the beginning as well. But what I've come to realize is that many of us here have "walked" with each other through some really difficult times and it is THOSE times that bond you with people. A couple of these ladies have become like "sisters from another mister" to me and I know that I will keep in touch with them long after my time on VJ fades. After a while, you do find those that you can trust and those that you want to reach out to.

I do think it is wise to keep most of your personal life, just that.....PERSONAL. Message boards are public forums and open to ANYONE. You have to know that you do open yourself up to comments from people that might not understand your situation or unfortunately, care about your situation. It's sad but true.

From time to time, I do try and offer advice since I have walked this journey for a long time already (7 years and still counting). This past week, I was handslapped for being honest about what the adjustment status is like. I KNOW that when you are first starting out, you don't want to know that going through getting your SO over here is the EASY part, but the truth of the matter is......THAT'S THE TRUTH! I know way, way, way, way to many people that have gone through this to be able to say that it's true! Is it going to happen to everyone....there are a few that come through the adjustment process easily and with little discomfort and argument.

I do believe it's all a matter of where you are in the process and how you look at it. Please know that from the bottom of my heart, I wish all of the people going through this process....hope and happiness!

[Y's_habibitk 2]

I have to say that all of the scary "wait till he gets here and adjustment" posts opened that conversation for Yazied and I, and we talked about all of the possibilities of having a rough time and how we would deal with this and that. So, I guess if people choose to use "those" posts in a productive way, then its a good thing. On the other hand, I would have wanted to hear of some "easier" adjustments too! So i didnt drive him as crazy with.."what if this?" "what if that?" bless him for being a patient man lol

He says now...remember when you were freaking out about our adjustment period? silly habibiti! lol

Nothing out of the ordinary for us, nothing that every other married couple goes through everyday. If a couple doesnt disagree sometimes....someone is lying or holding in their feelings, Ive always said that. Agreeing on every single point is not normal in any dynamic.

Edited September 4, 2009 by Y's_habibitk

[morocco4ever 63]

Nope, I can honestly say that we're smooth sailing right now. Alot of it has to do with the fact that I don't really fight my husband on any issues. The "it's my way or the highway" approach won't work with him. Compromise, as we know it, is something that is not part of his culture either. So I've learned to avoid arguments for things that are not of great importance. Things that really matter, well, we spent alot of time discussing and figuring out what those things were before marriage. This approach works because when something is important enough to me, and he is in disagreement, he remembers all the times I let him have his way and will almost always cave in to my suggestion. What happens in the future is anyone's guess. USCIS may cause us problems, they may not. Not going to worry about it until the time comes. In the mean time, I think I will be appreciating my life a little more, and the fact that I'm happy and we have peace in our home - something that doesn't seem too common place around here

I think you should appreciate life. We all should! Thank god we can come here and share our voices and opinions. That's what this was about, I think....

Just because people have differing adjustment periods does not mean they do not have peace in their homes. I don't fight with my husband I never raise my voice (not at him or others). However, I do voice my opinion because thats my culture. Just because he's learned another way doesn't mean we can't meet somewhere in the middle. However stress comes in other forms for me and for others. I'm not unhappy in my marriage as many are not here. It's not common place at all thats just an assumption and we all know what assuming does, right?

I posted that sometimes I do look back and miss the old days ... but you might not and thats fine. If I took that route of thinking, I would assume that you had a boring past so you couldn't possibly miss it and I had an exciting one so thats why I look back and miss it...right? It's all in how you spin it...I DO NOT assume your past was boring but thats just my point, I don't assume. The folks here that offer the advice have experience and a lot more than me for sure. I just remember being in beginning stages and thinking the same thing of the "old timers" back then..."what do they know, they are miserable and want to make everyone else miserable." But many of them, if I took the time to look back, were right on. I applaud them for taking the time, to tell me how it was for them. It's not easy being open and honest and sharing your emotions/experiences with others.

One more thing...I wish you and your hubby the best and I'm truly thrilled you have no bumps but for those of us who do...we need the hugs Teasing! I wish my humor could come out more in my writing. If you knew me or could hear me talking,....you'd get me better. Email/posts, etc can always take a different tone than what is intended.

To the OP...Lisa was right this thread has taken a nose dive.. The original point of this post (and i think i posted something similar a long time ago about negative attitudes here. ) was for us to be a little more patient with new comers and offer help not be short or negative to them. I for one, do try and will try harder when I'm faced with the choice to assist a newbie!

Well put, as always.

PS the ones that contact me by pm I will continue to check up and answer your questions!!! I guess I could waste my time elsewhere..

Asking / answering questions via personal PM's in not exactly accepted here on VJ. Guess it's time to waste your time' elsewhere' .

Wow!

I'm not trying to stir the pot, but I really need to understand this statement: "Asking / answering questions via personal PM's in not exactly accepted here on VJ."

I for one have no problem answering private messages that are sent to me. It is always, 100% someone who needs help during the petition/application return process, and many times it is because they don't want to display specific personal information to the masses for obvious reasons. I wouldn't want anyone to feel they could not approach me via PM if they felt the need to, especially with something as sensitive as a petition/application return.

So if this isn't exactly accepted on VJ, then I really need to know some reasoning to back it up. The only reason I am here now is to help others affected by the return process, period and a good portion of that help is through private messages.

~kiyah~

When we were first denied, and nobody here knew what that meant, I was given tons of advice that was wrong. I suspect that is why they don't want it to be through PM.

You tell people how miserable you are, they don't like it... you tell them how happy you are, they don't like it It can't all be about the scams and users. I think it's good to tell people when you have a good experience with your spouse, so that they don't feel like they're headed for doom. My post was in response to a few people that seemed to find a quick and easy adjustment to be unusual. As for keeping personal things off VJ, I said that to the OP because she felt she was insulted and judged for something personal she shared (and I agree, she was attacked for that). Oh well, I wish the OP the best.

I don't remember anyone posting anything negative about your quick adjustment. Nor do I remember anyone posting that they were miserable. I suspect you took this too personal.

Edited September 4, 2009 by morocco4ever

[doodlebugg 10]

I have to say that all of the scary "wait till he gets here and adjustment" posts opened that conversation for Yazied and I, and we talked about all of the possibilities of having a rough time and how we would deal with this and that. So, I guess if people choose to use "those" posts in a productive way, then its a good thing. On the other hand, I would have wanted to hear of some "easier" adjustments too! So i didnt drive him as crazy with.."what if this?" "what if that?" bless him for being a patient man lol

He says now...remember when you were freaking out about our adjustment period? silly habibiti! lol

Nothing out of the ordinary for us, nothing that every other married couple goes through everyday. If a couple doesnt disagree sometimes....someone is lying or holding in their feelings, Ive always said that. Agreeing on every single point is not normal in any dynamic.

I remember reading about the hard adjustments too and at the time that we were waiting a lot of women came out with their abuse stories which really shook me to the core. I guess I'm glad to have heard all of that only because it prepared me for what could come, but thankfully didn't. Our adjustment was pretty easy but then there were no expectations really on either end. I didn't expect him to get a huge job right away and since I was self sufficient before he got here there was no need to push things. We waited about a month or so to get his ead and then in another month he got a job. Meanwhile he spent his time getting acclamated with the surroundings, learning how the bus/subway worked here, etc. I think we have had one fight since he got here and that had nothing to do with the adjustment process. I'm very blessed to have such a laid back cool dude who loves me and he feels the same. We sway with the breeze these days. Sure we've been through hard times since he got here, I had my gallbladder out so he had to deal with taking care of me, I almost lost the house due to my ahole ex but we got through that as well. Each life experience we share with each other brings us closer together.

I wonder how much of the hard times people have are really due to the normal first few years of marriage and getting to know each other and not so much due to the visa process?

[allousa 1]

You tell people how miserable you are, they don't like it... you tell them how happy you are, they don't like it It can't all be about the scams and users. I think it's good to tell people when you have a good experience with your spouse, so that they don't feel like they're headed for doom. My post was in response to a few people that seemed to find a quick and easy adjustment to be unusual. As for keeping personal things off VJ, I said that to the OP because she felt she was insulted and judged for something personal she shared (and I agree, she was attacked for that). Oh well, I wish the OP the best.

BECAUSE a quick and easy adjustment IS unusual. As long as I've been on VJ, I can think of only TWO people whose "journeys" that I know about have had a quick and easy adjustment. I think several of us that have been here a while have quite a few horror stories and we didn't post all of that. We were just being truthful about our experiences.

[nunyab 0]

you know you're right, I have only been here hit or miss now the last 7 months since husband has been here. I do get PM and I do answer those specific questions as for the posts I try but there are times frankly I just don't know .. then I won't post a thing. Never will I forget all the support and help with the immergration process I got from VJ if it wasn't for them I wouldn've hired an attorney and who knows still be waiting ....

I'll pay more attention when I am on to help those who might just need a shoulder and if I can answer a question i'll do my best insha'allah

[nunyab 0]

I have to say that all of the scary "wait till he gets here and adjustment" posts opened that conversation for Yazied and I, and we talked about all of the possibilities of having a rough time and how we would deal with this and that. So, I guess if people choose to use "those" posts in a productive way, then its a good thing. On the other hand, I would have wanted to hear of some "easier" adjustments too! So i didnt drive him as crazy with.."what if this?" "what if that?" bless him for being a patient man lol

He says now...remember when you were freaking out about our adjustment period? silly habibiti! lol

Nothing out of the ordinary for us, nothing that every other married couple goes through everyday. If a couple doesnt disagree sometimes....someone is lying or holding in their feelings, Ive always said that. Agreeing on every single point is not normal in any dynamic.

I think that if your spouse hasn't had a relationship prior to the marriage there are other things to go through.. so the adjustment period isn't just a MENA thing I think most of that is "first time relationship" thing as well. hope I'am not getting to out there

[allousa 1]

I wonder how much of the hard times people have are really due to the normal first few years of marriage and getting to know each other and not so much due to the visa process?

Bridget,

I would agree with you to a certain extent that a newly married couple have an adjustment status of their own disregarding cultural/religious experiences. But I have seen EXACTLY what has been posted before here on VJ about how MENA men can change once children enter the equation and I mean specifically their OWN children, not step-children, happen in MY OWN MARRIAGE. I maintain several friendships outside of VJ with some of the MENA chickies and they've had such similar experiences to my own. Mostly problems resulting from differences b/w religion or culture.

So from my deductive reasoning, it's more prevalant than to just be normal marriage differences. Just sayin'.

I'm still having a hard time why some people are taking this SO personal because I don't believe I have pointed to anyone in particular and said "Your marriage is doomed!". I know for myself that I am coming forth with my experiences in trying to help some of these VJers NOT have a doomed marriage, but instead find away to deal with it. I know for Hicham and I it has taken ALOT of communication....ALOT, ALOT, ALOT....and we are still working on trying to communicate better going on 8 years of being married! I don't think one person should make all of the compromises in the relationship either because I believe that will lead to resentment.

Marriage is hard work....PERIOD!

[Sandrila 1]

I have to say that all of the scary "wait till he gets here and adjustment" posts opened that conversation for Yazied and I, and we talked about all of the possibilities of having a rough time and how we would deal with this and that. So, I guess if people choose to use "those" posts in a productive way, then its a good thing. On the other hand, I would have wanted to hear of some "easier" adjustments too! So i didnt drive him as crazy with.."what if this?" "what if that?" bless him for being a patient man lol

He says now...remember when you were freaking out about our adjustment period? silly habibiti! lol

Nothing out of the ordinary for us, nothing that every other married couple goes through everyday. If a couple doesnt disagree sometimes....someone is lying or holding in their feelings, Ive always said that. Agreeing on every single point is not normal in any dynamic.

I think that if your spouse hasn't had a relationship prior to the marriage there are other things to go through.. so the adjustment period isn't just a MENA thing I think most of that is "first time relationship" thing as well. hope I'am not getting to out there

I agree and of course, for us American women it is not the norm for a man to have never had a woman before.

I mean most men have had "some" relationship experience or at least some relations with women.

That is a good point Rajaa....good to see you.

[nunyab 0]

I wonder how much of the hard times people have are really due to the normal first few years of marriage and getting to know each other and not so much due to the visa process?

Bridget,

I would agree with you to a certain extent that a newly married couple have an adjustment status of their own disregarding cultural/religious experiences. But I have seen EXACTLY what has been posted before here on VJ about how MENA men can change once children enter the equation and I mean specifically their OWN children, not step-children, happen in MY OWN MARRIAGE. I maintain several friendships outside of VJ with some of the MENA chickies and they've had such similar experiences to my own. Mostly problems resulting from differences b/w religion or culture.

So from my deductive reasoning, it's more prevalant than to just be normal marriage differences. Just sayin'.

I'm still having a hard time why some people are taking this SO personal because I don't believe I have pointed to anyone in particular and said "Your marriage is doomed!". I know for myself that I am coming forth with my experiences in trying to help some of these VJers NOT have a doomed marriage, but instead find away to deal with it. I know for Hicham and I it has taken ALOT of communication....ALOT, ALOT, ALOT....and we are still working on trying to communicate better going on 8 years of being married! I don't think one person should make all of the compromises in the relationship either because I believe that will lead to resentment.

Marriage is hard work....PERIOD!

so true there are things we have to go through ie, language, cultural and lets just talk about in laws living half a world a way? those are things that makes our marriages "different" but it also can make things much more exciting too. I've appreciated any and all suggestions when me and hubby are having difficulties but those times are fewer apart now Alhamdolilah and it's more an understanding of theirs and our way of communicating I've noticed. maybe I am wrong but that's my take

[Jenn! 918]

"Quick and easy" is very subjective anyway. One person's easy could be considered difficult by someone else.

There are different types of adjustments as well. Adjusting to marriage/living with each other and adjusting to living in the U.S. are totally different things, IMO. And having difficulty with one can put pressure on the other. Then throw in there the variable of getting a job. Getting a good job right off the bat makes things much easier, from having read a lot of experiences here.

Bottom line is that everyone's experience is unique. On top of that, we're on a message board, and people can exaggerate the bad as well as the good. Take everything with a grain of salt.

[nunyab 0]

I have to say that all of the scary "wait till he gets here and adjustment" posts opened that conversation for Yazied and I, and we talked about all of the possibilities of having a rough time and how we would deal with this and that. So, I guess if people choose to use "those" posts in a productive way, then its a good thing. On the other hand, I would have wanted to hear of some "easier" adjustments too! So i didnt drive him as crazy with.."what if this?" "what if that?" bless him for being a patient man lol

He says now...remember when you were freaking out about our adjustment period? silly habibiti! lol

Nothing out of the ordinary for us, nothing that every other married couple goes through everyday. If a couple doesnt disagree sometimes....someone is lying or holding in their feelings, Ive always said that. Agreeing on every single point is not normal in any dynamic.

I think that if your spouse hasn't had a relationship prior to the marriage there are other things to go through.. so the adjustment period isn't just a MENA thing I think most of that is "first time relationship" thing as well. hope I'am not getting to out there

I agree and of course, for us American women it is not the norm for a man to have never had a woman before.

I mean most men have had "some" relationship experience or at least some relations with women.

That is a good point Rajaa....good to see you.

Thanks thought I'd pipe up a bit being has i think i have some things to offer on this topic lol.