Do the Research... and whatever else!

[Jenn! 918]

I agree and of course, for us American women it is not the norm for a man to have never had a woman before.

I mean most men have had "some" relationship experience or at least some relations with women.

Probably deserves its own topic, but...I think most men (including from MENA) have some experience.

Boy, I'm feeling feisty lately!

[nunyab 0]

I agree and of course, for us American women it is not the norm for a man to have never had a woman before.

I mean most men have had "some" relationship experience or at least some relations with women.

Probably deserves its own topic, but...I think most men (including from MENA) have some experience.

Boy, I'm feeling feisty lately!

lol ok "relations" maybe but living and banking together maybe not so much, well besides sisters and mother

[allousa 1]

so true there are things we have to go through ie, language, cultural and lets just talk about in laws living half a world a way? those are things that makes our marriages "different" but it also can make things much more exciting too. I've appreciated any and all suggestions when me and hubby are having difficulties but those times are fewer apart now Alhamdolilah and it's more an understanding of theirs and our way of communicating I've noticed. maybe I am wrong but that's my take

GREAT POINT!!!!!!

I don't think you are wrong AT ALL!

For example: When Hicham and I were talking about having more children, we talked about the possiblity of having a girl and all that would come with that. ONE of the issues was her dating. I told Hicham I didn't have a problem with her dating when she was of a suitable age...maybe 15 or 16. He went off the flippin' deep end. The discussion got really heated because I thought he was being completely unfair. After we had calmer heads the next day and started talking about it, something he said made me realize that Hicham thought dating=sex. I was like...BACK UP THE TRAIN!!!! I didn't say anything about being okay with her having sex at that age.

And for what it's worth, Hicham has been "English" speaking for over 15 years now and there are still words that might trip us up sometimes....fewer and fewer these days, but it can happen.

Now sometimes Hicham will use the excuse "My English isn't very good" when he's been an azzhat and said something mean and he knows he is being an azzhat!!

"Quick and easy" is very subjective anyway. One person's easy could be considered difficult by someone else.

There are different types of adjustments as well. Adjusting to marriage/living with each other and adjusting to living in the U.S. are totally different things, IMO. And having difficulty with one can put pressure on the other. Then throw in there the variable of getting a job. Getting a good job right off the bat makes things much easier, from having read a lot of experiences here.

Bottom line is that everyone's experience is unique. On top of that, we're on a message board, and people can exaggerate the bad as well as the good. Take everything with a grain of salt.

[Jenn! 918]

^^ I remember when you told us about that convo before!

[nunyab 0]

so true there are things we have to go through ie, language, cultural and lets just talk about in laws living half a world a way? those are things that makes our marriages "different" but it also can make things much more exciting too. I've appreciated any and all suggestions when me and hubby are having difficulties but those times are fewer apart now Alhamdolilah and it's more an understanding of theirs and our way of communicating I've noticed. maybe I am wrong but that's my take

GREAT POINT!!!!!!

I don't think you are wrong AT ALL!

For example: When Hicham and I were talking about having more children, we talked about the possiblity of having a girl and all that would come with that. ONE of the issues was her dating. I told Hicham I didn't have a problem with her dating when she was of a suitable age...maybe 15 or 16. He went off the flippin' deep end. The discussion got really heated because I thought he was being completely unfair. After we had calmer heads the next day and started talking about it, something he said made me realize that Hicham thought dating=sex. I was like...BACK UP THE TRAIN!!!! I didn't say anything about being okay with her having sex at that age.

And for what it's worth, Hicham has been "English" speaking for over 15 years now and there are still words that might trip us up sometimes....fewer and fewer these days, but it can happen.

Now sometimes Hicham will use the excuse "My English isn't very good" when he's been an azzhat and said something mean and he knows he is being an azzhat!!

"Quick and easy" is very subjective anyway. One person's easy could be considered difficult by someone else.

There are different types of adjustments as well. Adjusting to marriage/living with each other and adjusting to living in the U.S. are totally different things, IMO. And having difficulty with one can put pressure on the other. Then throw in there the variable of getting a job. Getting a good job right off the bat makes things much easier, from having read a lot of experiences here.

Bottom line is that everyone's experience is unique. On top of that, we're on a message board, and people can exaggerate the bad as well as the good. Take everything with a grain of salt.

you have me cracking up!!!! "azzhat!" love it i hope you don't mind me borrowing that from you do you? Reda is the same.. i should not forget his english isn't good... yeah sure habibi .. wait until my darija is there

[Y's_habibitk 2]

I have to say that all of the scary "wait till he gets here and adjustment" posts opened that conversation for Yazied and I, and we talked about all of the possibilities of having a rough time and how we would deal with this and that. So, I guess if people choose to use "those" posts in a productive way, then its a good thing. On the other hand, I would have wanted to hear of some "easier" adjustments too! So i didnt drive him as crazy with.."what if this?" "what if that?" bless him for being a patient man lol

He says now...remember when you were freaking out about our adjustment period? silly habibiti! lol

Nothing out of the ordinary for us, nothing that every other married couple goes through everyday. If a couple doesnt disagree sometimes....someone is lying or holding in their feelings, Ive always said that. Agreeing on every single point is not normal in any dynamic.

I remember reading about the hard adjustments too and at the time that we were waiting a lot of women came out with their abuse stories which really shook me to the core. I guess I'm glad to have heard all of that only because it prepared me for what could come, but thankfully didn't. Our adjustment was pretty easy but then there were no expectations really on either end. I didn't expect him to get a huge job right away and since I was self sufficient before he got here there was no need to push things. We waited about a month or so to get his ead and then in another month he got a job. Meanwhile he spent his time getting acclamated with the surroundings, learning how the bus/subway worked here, etc. I think we have had one fight since he got here and that had nothing to do with the adjustment process. I'm very blessed to have such a laid back cool dude who loves me and he feels the same. We sway with the breeze these days. Sure we've been through hard times since he got here, I had my gallbladder out so he had to deal with taking care of me, I almost lost the house due to my ahole ex but we got through that as well. Each life experience we share with each other brings us closer together.

I wonder how much of the hard times people have are really due to the normal first few years of marriage and getting to know each other and not so much due to the visa process?

I personally think its not the latter in most cases.

You also hit the key word.... expectations! Unrealistic expectations will always let you down and eventually create resentment in any situation.

[Y's_habibitk 2]

I have to say that all of the scary "wait till he gets here and adjustment" posts opened that conversation for Yazied and I, and we talked about all of the possibilities of having a rough time and how we would deal with this and that. So, I guess if people choose to use "those" posts in a productive way, then its a good thing. On the other hand, I would have wanted to hear of some "easier" adjustments too! So i didnt drive him as crazy with.."what if this?" "what if that?" bless him for being a patient man lol

He says now...remember when you were freaking out about our adjustment period? silly habibiti! lol

Nothing out of the ordinary for us, nothing that every other married couple goes through everyday. If a couple doesnt disagree sometimes....someone is lying or holding in their feelings, Ive always said that. Agreeing on every single point is not normal in any dynamic.

I think that if your spouse hasn't had a relationship prior to the marriage there are other things to go through.. so the adjustment period isn't just a MENA thing I think most of that is "first time relationship" thing as well. hope I'am not getting to out there

nope, its a great point rajaa!

[childress_london 3]

OK, I see "first time relationship" and my ears (eyes??) perked right up. I am my husband's first relationship ever, so, if you gals have any warnings or advice, I'm listening!

[100% Al Ahly Fan 53]

This husband of yours best be all that, a bag a chips and a puffy taco. If we hear back from you (after he gets here) that he's a total asswipe I'm gonna be pissed!

Now I know where the puffy taco came into this thread

Good for you. Just don't expect anyone to be courteous to you if you post like you just did. Don't apologize: I could not care a dime less. But be very, very damn careful when you personally attack someone. Because then you will know what rudeness really looks like.

Oh boy....watch out now, sista Len don't play!

jesus christ this went downhill fast.

I know, right? Yikes!

B1tches!!! Bad, bad wives.

B1tches, true enough...I have my days fo' sho, but I know you meant....BAD, as in Michael Jackson's "She's Bad" right??

Anyways, just want to get my two cents in and that was it, ftw!

[bhajishah 4]

UR the only nice one around here OP. there its said. ok

Reality sometimes bites, and if you dont have open eyes, it often bites hard and in the butt.. thats why

[morocco4ever 63]

UR the only nice one around here OP. there its said. ok

Reality sometimes bites, and if you dont have open eyes, it often bites hard and in the butt.. thats why

I'm not nice?

[doodlebugg 10]

I predict this will go as long as the free donut pole thread.

[ya falaha! 0]

Relations definitely possible. Relationships not as likely, I agree. Banking together, I don't even wanna experience. Separate finances makes things so much easier.

I agree and of course, for us American women it is not the norm for a man to have never had a woman before.

I mean most men have had "some" relationship experience or at least some relations with women.

Probably deserves its own topic, but...I think most men (including from MENA) have some experience.

Boy, I'm feeling feisty lately!

lol ok "relations" maybe but living and banking together maybe not so much, well besides sisters and mother

[ya falaha! 0]

No, of course not! Remember....you're a biitch and a bad, bad wife?? Not to mention extremely jealous...you hate that ppl have easier marriages than yours and you're bitter!

UR the only nice one around here OP. there its said. ok

Reality sometimes bites, and if you dont have open eyes, it often bites hard and in the butt.. thats why

I'm not nice?

Edited September 5, 2009 by Astarte

[morocco4ever 63]

No, of course not! Remember....you're a biitch and a bad, bad wife?? Not to mention extremely jealous...you hate that ppl have easier marriages than yours and you're bitter!

UR the only nice one around here OP. there its said. ok

Reality sometimes bites, and if you dont have open eyes, it often bites hard and in the butt.. thats why

I'm not nice?

OMG you know me well. I luvs u!