emails from crazy people

[Amby 490]

Dear Mrs. X:

In just over a week, you will be my son’s Grade 1 teacher. He is ever so excited to be under your tutelage. Why, since the last day of kindergarten, entering your class was all he could talk about. He gleefully thrust a piece of paper into my hand on that June afternoon, and said, “Here’s a list of the stuff I need for school next September!”

And I have to admit, I, too, was excited. I’m a school supplies geek from way back. And so, in early August, I set out to buy the items you’d listed.

It was on my fourth store that the realization began to sink in.

You’re a crafty ######, aren’t you?

This list was a thinly disguised test. Could I find the items, exactly as you’d prescribed? Because if not, my son would be That Kid, the one with the Problem Mother, Who Can’t Follow Directions.

For example, the glue sticks you requested. In the 40 gram size. Three of the little buggers. (What kind of massive, sticky project you’ve got planned for the first day of school that would require the students to bring all this glue, I cannot imagine.) But the 40 gram size doesn’t come in a convenient 3-pack. The /30 /gram size does. But clearly, those would be wildly inappropriate. So I got the individually priced 40’s, as per your instructions.

Another bit of fun was your request for 2 packs of 8 Crayola crayons (basic colors). The 24 packs, with their 24 /different /colors, sat there, on sale. I could have purchased /three/ of the 24 packs for the price I had to pay for the 8 packs. (Clearly, you’ll not be teaching the youngsters any sort of economics lessons this year.) Even the cashier looked at me, as if to say, “Pardon me, ma’am, but are you slow?” as I purchased these non-bargain crayons. But that’s what the list said. And I was committed to following the list.

But the last item, well, now, you saved your malice up for that one, didn’t you? “8 mm ruled notebooks”, you asked for. Simple enough. Except the standard size is /seven /millimetres. One. Millimetre. Difference. Do you realize, Mrs. X., exactly how infinitesimal the difference between 7 mm ruling and 8 mm ruling is? Pretty small, I assure you. The thickness of a fingernail, approximately. But that millimetre, that small bit of nothingness, made me drive to four different stores, over the course of three sweaty August hours. And when I finally, finally found the last remaining 8 mm notebooks, I took no pleasure in my victory. I merely shifted my focus. To you, Mrs. X.

You wanna dance, lady? Let’s dance.

Because I am just batshit crazy enough to play your games. And, in turn, come up with some of my own.

On show and share day, my son will be bringing the video of his birth. It will be labelled, “Ben’s First Puppy.” Enjoy.

He will be given a list of words, and daily, he will ask you what they mean. Words such as, “pedophile”, “anti-semite”, and “skank”. Good luck with those.

At some point, you will attempt to teach him mathematics. And I’m quite sure that, like most of your ilk, you will require my son to “show his work”. And he will.

Through interpretive dance.

Because that is who you’ve chosen to tangle with, toots. A stay at home mom who is not entirely balanced, and has altogether too much time on her hands. But is, most certainly, A Mother Who Can Follow Directions.

Sincerely,

Ginny

[Saska+Tim 7]

:rofl:

[Ban Hammer 13,346]

[meowmeowmeow 1]

wow.......

[Amby 490]

seriously?

[Amby 490]

I am looking for someone to dress up like a Clown and hang out with me. I would cook you diner – or we could BBQ something. I’m interested in making my neighbor lady wonder. I have already had a man in a panda costume last month – and also had a heard of sheep come in for the day to cut the grass. (sheep do a good job by the way). A clown would be something.

Maybe you could bring some balloons – or make balloon animals to hang in my tree. I’d like to have this done some evening between 6pm and dark. The longer you can stay the better (like if you could stay for the whole 3 hours). Do you have any tricks you could do?

Like I said – I could cook diner and get you drunk – I’d even be willing to pay your cab fare to and from. I don’t have much to offer – and my neighbor lady is driving me nuts – so I want to drive her nuts. If you had a Mime friend – it would be cool to see you two chase each other around the yard or do relay races while I time you.

Let me know your thoughts – open to Men and Women Clowns.

[tmma 467]

Dear Mrs. X:

In just over a week, you will be my son's Grade 1 teacher. He is ever so excited to be under your tutelage. Why, since the last day of kindergarten, entering your class was all he could talk about. He gleefully thrust a piece of paper into my hand on that June afternoon, and said, "Here's a list of the stuff I need for school next September!"

And I have to admit, I, too, was excited. I'm a school supplies geek from way back. And so, in early August, I set out to buy the items you'd listed.

It was on my fourth store that the realization began to sink in.

You're a crafty ######, aren't you?

This list was a thinly disguised test. Could I find the items, exactly as you'd prescribed? Because if not, my son would be That Kid, the one with the Problem Mother, Who Can't Follow Directions.

For example, the glue sticks you requested. In the 40 gram size. Three of the little buggers. (What kind of massive, sticky project you've got planned for the first day of school that would require the students to bring all this glue, I cannot imagine.) But the 40 gram size doesn't come in a convenient 3-pack. The /30 /gram size does. But clearly, those would be wildly inappropriate. So I got the individually priced 40's, as per your instructions.

Another bit of fun was your request for 2 packs of 8 Crayola crayons (basic colors). The 24 packs, with their 24 /different /colors, sat there, on sale. I could have purchased /three/ of the 24 packs for the price I had to pay for the 8 packs. (Clearly, you'll not be teaching the youngsters any sort of economics lessons this year.) Even the cashier looked at me, as if to say, "Pardon me, ma'am, but are you slow?" as I purchased these non-bargain crayons. But that's what the list said. And I was committed to following the list.

But the last item, well, now, you saved your malice up for that one, didn't you? "8 mm ruled notebooks", you asked for. Simple enough. Except the standard size is /seven /millimetres. One. Millimetre. Difference. Do you realize, Mrs. X., exactly how infinitesimal the difference between 7 mm ruling and 8 mm ruling is? Pretty small, I assure you. The thickness of a fingernail, approximately. But that millimetre, that small bit of nothingness, made me drive to four different stores, over the course of three sweaty August hours. And when I finally, finally found the last remaining 8 mm notebooks, I took no pleasure in my victory. I merely shifted my focus. To you, Mrs. X.

You wanna dance, lady? Let's dance.

Because I am just batshit crazy enough to play your games. And, in turn, come up with some of my own.

On show and share day, my son will be bringing the video of his birth. It will be labelled, "Ben's First Puppy." Enjoy.

He will be given a list of words, and daily, he will ask you what they mean. Words such as, "pedophile", "anti-semite", and "skank". Good luck with those.

At some point, you will attempt to teach him mathematics. And I'm quite sure that, like most of your ilk, you will require my son to "show his work". And he will.

Through interpretive dance.

Because that is who you've chosen to tangle with, toots. A stay at home mom who is not entirely balanced, and has altogether too much time on her hands. But is, most certainly, A Mother Who Can Follow Directions.

Sincerely,

Ginny

My new hero is Ginny, for having the balls to write to the teacher with what the rest of us are all thinking about the 'supply list'.

That lady deserves some kind of medal.

[The_Dude 1,142]

Seriously Amby, you're gonna get me fired, i'm reading this site from beginning to end. Pure genious.

[Mags 112]

I am looking for someone to dress up like a Clown and hang out with me. I would cook you diner – or we could BBQ something. I’m interested in making my neighbor lady wonder. I have already had a man in a panda costume last month – and also had a heard of sheep come in for the day to cut the grass. (sheep do a good job by the way). A clown would be something.

Maybe you could bring some balloons – or make balloon animals to hang in my tree. I’d like to have this done some evening between 6pm and dark. The longer you can stay the better (like if you could stay for the whole 3 hours). Do you have any tricks you could do?

Like I said – I could cook diner and get you drunk – I’d even be willing to pay your cab fare to and from. I don’t have much to offer – and my neighbor lady is driving me nuts – so I want to drive her nuts. If you had a Mime friend – it would be cool to see you two chase each other around the yard or do relay races while I time you.

Let me know your thoughts – open to Men and Women Clowns.

He can move in next to me, any day!

[eros_EX_Plumber 0]

My sweet wrapper leaves a sour taste

The other day, while doing our weekly shop, I bought for my two children, Benjamin & Ofelia, a packet pf Haribo Maoam lemon-and-lime confectionery. It was only after I was leaving the check-out that I noticed the appalling illustration on the packaging.

This consists of a lemon and a lime locked in what appears to be a carnal encounter. The lime, who I assume to be the gentleman in this coupling, has a particularly lurid and distasteful expression on his face. I demanded to see the shop manager and during a heated exchange my wife became quite distressed and had to sit down in the car park. I was told to register my complaint with the manufacturer.

I’m glad I spotted this before my young children, who are both very sensitive. My wife and I have always tried to protect their innocence – and to think all our years of careful parenting could have been wrecked by a sweet rapper makes me livid.

I received a reply from the company saying that the wrapper design had been introduced in Germany in 2002 with a view to making the fruit figures ‘more modern and lively’ to ‘better appeal to the consumer’.

It said: ‘At no point was it intended to create sexual images’ It has been shown to a number of children and adults of different age groups, none of whom has made any comments referring to sexual content. I consider this reply to be less than satisfactory. As a member of our local church, I’m now urging members of our flock to bycott Haribo products until this illustration is removed.

Simon Simpkins

Pontefract, West Yorks

“Offensive Image” after the jump:

Edited September 10, 2009 by ErosandSally

[Malrothien 6]

Sent: Friday, May 23, 2008 2:57 PM

To: appeals@****.com

Subject: Parking Violation Dispute

Importance: High

Reference # 10112******

Dear 3rd Reich,

As I returned from shopping at Office Depot located at 4199 Lougheed Hwy in Burnaby today, I was extremely displeased but I cannot say I was surprised that I received a parking violation notice. You see, I have had fellow employees who have been wrongly accused for parking in the dedicated Office Depot/Tim Horton’s parking area as well by your ‘bush-league’ organization. The time indicated on the ticket as the moment of infraction lists 12:15pm. That is 3 minutes after I parked my vehicle. I’m not sure what kind of racket/pseudo business your guerilla bushmen are running here but I’m surprised I didn’t see “Patroller 44”, ‘goose-stepping’ over to my vehicle given the time frame allowed.

The most baffling and almost embarrassing part of this ticket is the actual action inciting the infraction: WALKED OFF PKG LOT. Are you kidding me? Is that even a ticket able infraction? Can I dial that up in the City of Burnaby By-Laws and get some sort of a description for that? Who are you people to justify my whereabouts as a human being?? Where is this demarcation point in which I so ignorantly crossed within your parking lot boundaries? Not that it is any business what so ever as too why I flew off your parking lot radar but if you must know I had seen an out of town client pulling into the parking lot above on my way to the Office Depot. He happens to be staying at the hotel as he is here on doing business with my company. The same company that needed to pick up a new scanner from the aforementioned merchant. I walked up to have a quick handshake and I returned down to the store.

I’m not sure what kind of hiring program you have your so-called patrollers hailing from, but it is got to be along the lines of, Prerequisites: Pulse and eye balls mandatory, half a brain an asset.

I’ve noticed on the top of this ticket it comes with some options: $50.00 if paid within 15 days

$65.00 if paid after 15 days

How much does it cost if I never pay? And I assure you if I am referred to any sort of Nazi-esque, outback collection agency there will be quiet a legal maelstrom to ensue. Can you tell me if patroller 44 or any of your other beat walkers are bondable? Can their actions or decision making ability be compromised by any sort of past nefarious or slanted activity? What is the level of credibility to this ticket issuance?

I’m going to wrap up this insatiable rant now, but before I do my one wish/hope is that you come to the realization that there are mistakes made and ridiculous situations in this life……and what happened to me in that parking lot this afternoon is absolutely paramount to hammering that point home.

This is about 15 minutes from where I live - and it's TOO TRUE. Friend of our's parked there once to go to Timmy's to grab a coffee. The parking attendant was sitting there WAITING for him to cross over into Timmy's parking lot, ran over, and started ticketing his car.

[Mags 112]

Paleoanthropology Division

Smithsonian Institute

207 Pennsylvania Avenue

Washington, DC 20078

Dear Sir:

Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled “211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid skull.” We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents “conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago.” Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be the “Malibu Barbie”. It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to it’s modern origin:

# 1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilized bone.

# 2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-hominids.

# 3. The dentition pattern evident on the “skull” is more consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the “ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams” you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time. This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, let us say that:

* A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on.

* B. Clams don’t have teeth.

It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in it’s normal operation, and partly due to carbon dating’s notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results. Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation’s Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name “Australopithecus spiff-arino.” Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn’t really sound like it might be Latin.

However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your back yard. We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation’s capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the “trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix” that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.

Yours in Science,

Harvey Rowe

Is actually a fake (snopes confirms) but I still think it is hilarious.

[Amby 490]

Seriously Amby, you're gonna get me fired, i'm reading this site from beginning to end. Pure genious.

I absolutely love it. I just randomly came across it a few weeks ago.

[Amby 490]

Balance: $XXX.XX

Amount Due: $0.00

Payment(s) Past Due: 0

Dear XXXXXXX,

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Making a payment of $0.00 by 09/05/2009 will make your account current. This will keep us from having to report your account as past due to the credit reporting agencies.

And remember, the better your credit, the more likely you may be approved for new credit and lower rates in the future. Depending on your situation, even a partial payment may help keep your account in better standing with Capital One.

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[almaty 19]

lol.. a great site

Edited September 14, 2009 by almaty