Mixed Religions

[ya falaha! 0]

Amal, I think this situation is pretty common. A lot of times it's a matter of keeping up appearances or peer pressure of sorts.

My husband's family tried to pressure him while he was still in Egypt to pray and be more religious. He laughs it off. He's just not religious. He thinks perhaps he may be when he's older but we'll see. For awhile he was trying to hide his non fasting/non praying from friends and family but he doesn't bother anymore.

Let's say I had a friend...(to keep confidentiality)....whose hubby got to america and basically didn 't practice....he moved them to another city/state and when around his muslim friends....well.... he became "super muslim". They would comment about praying and he would say oh, yes, we must, I almost missed the time...... and I remember my friend saying that she thot to herself that it sure was funny how he was all of a sudden praying 5 times a day and acting like he never missed a single one when he was around his friends.... yeah... that's been a secret nickname for a while lol

[Y's_habibitk 2]

I didnt read all the comments cause I know at least one is bound to annoy me!!! My mom is catholic my dad was Muslim they were together 21 years till death did them part...Never was an issue..We had a Christmas tee every year...we went to mosque...Its the people that make things work not religion...First rule of Islam is to respect...I do believe its something to be discussed before marriage though!

thanks for sharing, its great to hear from the child of a mixed marriage

[Sofiyya 1,687]

My firat husband was Christian, and we lasted until his untimely death. I'm proud to say that all of our 5 surviving children are practicing Muslims. It wasn't always easy to be in a mixed religion marriage, but respect is a powerful tool toward understanding and accomodation.

[CassandraHaydar 0]

Most of you that responded to my post said you were both religious, but of different kinds. I think our major line is that although I consider myself agnostic, what he defines as God is not how I define it. For instance, we were talking about the weather forecast and he said God controls the weather. This sparked a debate about the science of meteorology.

There are many things, such as mother nature, that we agree on, but call it something different.

I wouldn't say I was an atheist as I do believe in a higher power... I'm just not sure it's an all-knowing omnipotent being that created and controls everything. For instance, another topic we discuss is creationism vs evolution.

I'd be interested in hearing from people in a relationship where one person is Muslim and the other is Agnostic or even an Atheist.

Thanks for all the comments everyone.

[KHPerfectMatch 1]

Most of you that responded to my post said you were both religious, but of different kinds. I think our major line is that although I consider myself agnostic, what he defines as God is not how I define it.

I'd be interested in hearing from people in a relationship where one person is Muslim and the other is Agnostic or even an Atheist.

Thanks for all the comments everyone.

One thing I forgot to mention is that if a man is a practicing Muslim (not one by birth or name only) Islamically he cannot marry an agnostic, an atheist,a Buddhist or a Hindu, etc. So you won't be able to get a response from anyone in the situation you mention unless the man ignoring a requirement of his faith.

Muslim men are only allowed to marry chaste women of the Book who are practicing their faith. (People of the Book are Jews and Christians)

Here's a link to a website regarding interfaith marriage that explains a point of view that I have seen growing rapidly over the last 8 years. http://www.islamfortoday.com/interfaithmarriage.htm

There are many Imam's (religious leaders) in the USA who will not perform marriages between Muslim men and Non-Muslim women, even Christian or Jewish women.

Prophet Muhammad (s.a.w.) said:

A woman is chosen as a wife for her wealth, beauty, family, and faith. Win the one that has the faith or you would ruin your life. (Bukhari and Muslim).

Allah (s.w.t.) said:

Do not marry unbelieving women until they believe; a slave woman who believes is better than a free woman who does not believe, even though the latter may appear very attractive to you. Al-Qur'an: Al-Baqarah (2:221)

Here's some "before and after" photos of the person I mentioned in my first post... and a link to his story..

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mike_Hawash

[amysaid 9]

religion has been one of the biggest issues in my marriage, and we are actually both of the same faith. the difference is that i am a semi-recent convert, and he was raised muslim. he is much more observant than i am, and i still cling to a lot of my cultural ties (our last disagreement was about whether or not i would decorate for christmas... yeah, i don't celebrate the birth of Jesus, but really, how much does a pine tree and silver balls and lights have to do with Jesus?!)

Other issues we have had have been ones like circumcision (it's the Muslim belief that it's mandatory, but the idea of doing that to a baby turns my stomach), having opposite-gender friends, and clothing.

I guess my point is just that even if you are the same religion, you'll still have issues. Every relationship has its problems, but does that mean that it's not worth taking a chance on? I guess that's up to you to decide.

[Ihavequestions 419]

I think the bigger issues would lie in a tug of war about who is right and who is wrong regarding religion.

Add to that to my husband's "most important person in the world" attitude, top it off with a huge dose of ME/NA culture, and you have a recipe for disaster.

I (the Catholic and loving it wife) walking into this marriage with a pretty good understanding of Islam and the belief my husband was "a religious man." Granted, a religious man doesn't guarantee a good husband, but in my mind it's a good start.

In Egypt, a civil marriage requires the promise to accept an Islamic marriage. I was pleased to do that, not only because of my own deep appreciation and respect for Islam, but because I knew a Muslim husband is required to allow his non-Muslim wife to keep/practice her faith. What I got, instead, was an Egyptian marriage to a man with his own version of Islam, one that makes assuring the neighbors believe he's a "religious man" more important than actually being a "religious man."

I go to and fro between disgust and pity for him.

Almost 100% of our arguments have been about things he's done or said that never would have happened if he lived his book instead of pretending to. They invariably end when I stick one of his many Qu'rans in his face and ask him to show me what God thinks about that.

It's always interesting to meet women who have converted to Islam because their husband showed them the beauty of it. That will never be the case in my own miarriage.

It's Friday. He's over at the Mosque, even wearing his galabaya, right now. This is the same guy who flipped his schedule around so he could sleep through most of the day during Ramadan.

"9:97 (Picktall) The wandering Arabs are more hard in disbelief and hypocrisy, and more likely to be ignorant of the limits which Allah hath revealed unto His messenger. And Allah is knower, Wise."

Maybe this is what I get for marrying a man who's family comes from the desert?

Meanwhile, I continue to pray for his soul because, to me, if he would get closer to God we would have a much better marriage.

[allousa 1]

I'd be interested in hearing from people in a relationship where one person is Muslim and the other is Agnostic or even an Atheist.

Thanks for all the comments everyone.

I would definitely consider myself Agnostic and I am not practicing any religion, my husband however is a practicing Muslim. I don't believe he truly follows Islam as he is supposed to, but observes much of the customs and he does his prayers every day.

So....you can refer to my previous comments if you would like.

[Aymsgirl 0]

I walked both lines here. Christian until my son was about 6 months old. Now muslim. I agree with a lot of what KH is saying and Allousa. My husband seemed to be more liberal when we were engaged. He seemed to open to the idea of letting me teach my child Christianity until a certain age of about 6-7. In my head I thought ok, well I will just work really hard and instill my beliefs in my kid and surely by then maybe he will change his mind. Baby is born, things change. Rules start to be set and enforced. That liberal man kind of started to leave after childbirth....the very religous side came out with his claws on when it came to our son.

I've seen it with others. When it comes to a man's children "normally" they want them even better than them. So, they put their foot down in a Muslim household. I just really really would like to tell the nonmarried women just talk it over with your fiance'. He may be that kind of guy that will just say whatever but most aren't when it comes to their flesh and blood. They are held accountable for their children and they see it as that.

[Staashi 371]

I walked both lines here. Christian until my son was about 6 months old. Now muslim. I agree with a lot of what KH is saying and Allousa. My husband seemed to be more liberal when we were engaged. He seemed to open to the idea of letting me teach my child Christianity until a certain age of about 6-7. In my head I thought ok, well I will just work really hard and instill my beliefs in my kid and surely by then maybe he will change his mind. Baby is born, things change. Rules start to be set and enforced. That liberal man kind of started to leave after childbirth....the very religous side came out with his claws on when it came to our son.

I've seen it with others. When it comes to a man's children "normally" they want them even better than them. So, they put their foot down in a Muslim household. I just really really would like to tell the nonmarried women just talk it over with your fiance'. He may be that kind of guy that will just say whatever but most aren't when it comes to their flesh and blood. They are held accountable for their children and they see it as that.

Amen! Don't assume that the way he is on vacation is the same way that he's going to be when you two are happily esconced in your own home. My husband is Catholic and I thought he was as Catholic as I am - meaning that he practiced like I do...ummmmmm no! Surprise, surprise, surprise. These are things that need to be discussed before marriage and laid out to a "t".

[CassandraHaydar 0]

Most of you that responded to my post said you were both religious, but of different kinds. I think our major line is that although I consider myself agnostic, what he defines as God is not how I define it.

I'd be interested in hearing from people in a relationship where one person is Muslim and the other is Agnostic or even an Atheist.

Thanks for all the comments everyone.

One thing I forgot to mention is that if a man is a practicing Muslim (not one by birth or name only) Islamically he cannot marry an agnostic, an atheist,a Buddhist or a Hindu, etc. So you won't be able to get a response from anyone in the situation you mention unless the man ignoring a requirement of his faith.

Muslim men are only allowed to marry chaste women of the Book who are practicing their faith. (People of the Book are Jews and Christians)

Here's a link to a website regarding interfaith marriage that explains a point of view that I have seen growing rapidly over the last 8 years. http://www.islamfortoday.com/interfaithmarriage.htm

There are many Imam's (religious leaders) in the USA who will not perform marriages between Muslim men and Non-Muslim women, even Christian or Jewish women.

Prophet Muhammad (s.a.w.) said:

A woman is chosen as a wife for her wealth, beauty, family, and faith. Win the one that has the faith or you would ruin your life. (Bukhari and Muslim).

Allah (s.w.t.) said:

Do not marry unbelieving women until they believe; a slave woman who believes is better than a free woman who does not believe, even though the latter may appear very attractive to you. Al-Qur'an: Al-Baqarah (2:221)

Here's some "before and after" photos of the person I mentioned in my first post... and a link to his story..

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mike_Hawash

Maybe he wasn't supposed to marry me, but he did.

[~PalmTreeGurl~ 154]

In the above situation about the man who got convicted, I feel sorry for the wife and child.

[Aymsgirl 0]

Yes, he's definately a quack job. Poor woman and kids.

[KHPerfectMatch 1]

Maybe he wasn't supposed to marry me, but he did.

Precisely my point... he isn't all "that" religious if he did, which might save you from problems later... (or be an indicator that a different set of problems could be in the works since he has no qualms about picking and chosing, those "rules" that he will or will not follow, when it comes to issues of practicing Islam...)

My first husband (Arab/"Muslim") told me that he was so far removed from practicing Islam that he couldn't remember a single surah (verse) from Quran to recite even IF he wanted to pray. I thought that was a sign that I wouldn't have problems with him forcing his religion on me, my parents were THRILLED that he wouldn't try to convert me, and I was right.

What I failed to recognize was the consequences on his character of his choice to turn his back 100% on the morals and values he was raised with. He committed adultery, he became an alcoholic, a drug addict, and now (25 years later) I'm getting calls from the police asking me if I happen to know if he's back in the country. The detective indicated he would like to find him because of his very ACTIVE life on the internet... (he's back in his MENA country married for the 3rd time to a 25 year old with a newborn baby, at the ripe old age of 51.) I hate to THINK what kind of "ACTIVE LIFE" he's having that a detective would like to question him about... And thankful that finally (homeless and living in an old car, or with his crack addicted girl friend) he chose to go back to MENA. He was an embarassment to his 3 sons, his brothers who live here, and the Arab community in general.

I took a 180 degree turn when I remarried 9 years after my divorce from Mr. Secular. I married Mr. Super Muslim... thinking I would avoid a man who would commit adultery, use drugs and alcohol, etc. etc. A man who would accept my Arab/American son, and help me keep the committment I made to the Imam (Muslim "minister") (when I married Mr. Secular many years before), that I would teach any children from the marriage about Islam... Mr. Super Muslim could be the role model and spiritual guide that my son's (mostly absent) father WAS NOT.

And I was right! What I failed to recognize was the "side effects" of living with someone who is a SUPER MUSLIM... Even though we discussed AT LENGTH many of the issues people have raised on this thread that I was concerned about before marriage, and I even put in my marriage contract that I was allowed to celebrate Christmas... everything changed AFTER we were married, and got even WORSE after my son and I accepted Islam. Christmas was gone, and ALL OTHER celebrations of holidays, birthdays, etc. We were not allowed to eat in restaurants that served alcohol, and forbidden a single night of camping at our favorite State Park because it was named "Devil's Lake" (I KID YOU NOT!)

I wasn't allowed to hug my male cousins at family gatherings, my son was forbidden to swim in a public pool (to prevent his 9 year old eyes from seeing a woman in a bathing suit). I had to take him in lakes to swim, (with me FULLY COVERED)... And the older my son got and the more he rebelled against these restrictions the more impatient and cold Mr. Super Muslim became with him. Eventually turning his back TOTALLY on the step-son who had ADORED him. After 8 years of marriage I couldn't take it any more. I divorced him and quit practicing "hIslam" (male dominated Islam) until I recovered and made the choice to return to Islam on MY OWN TERMS.

I then mistakenly married Mr. FAKE MUSLIM... a man who was able to fool everyone around him into believing he was a GREAT MUSLIM. Devout yet open-minded and well assimilated into the America society/culture after living here for 22 years. What they didn't know (and believe me neither did I!) was that he was only Muslim for SHOW. That he was quietly involved in many immoral activities behind everyone's backs. It wasn't until 10 months into our marriage that I discovered the truth... and SET HIM FREE!

I'm now married to my "perfect match"... someone who seems to share my "to each his own" or "live and let live" relaxed point of view about how each person choses to practice his/her religion. He's much more devout in his practice of Islam, but doesn't give me any grief about it. We have plenty of other points of disagreement and challenges, but not in the area of religion. (so far) However the issues even if they do come up will be much less difficult to "manage" because my son is not living with us, his children are not living with us, and we will not be having any children together.

I think what consenting adults chose to do, chose to agree to, chose to accept, or put up with is up to them... That's why I always frame my opposition to marriages with "mis-matched belief systems" in line with the issue of raising children.

My son does not (currently) share my belief system (even though he was a much more devout Muslim in the beginning than I EVER have been...) He does not share his Grandparents beliefs either ("Orthodox" Christians -which is how I was raised) even though they are VERY influential in his life, and have always been. He picks and choses whatever suits his own desire to do or avoid doing various things at any given moment in time. It pains me greatly to see him "blowing in the wind" uncertain of what is correct, or true, or right, IF ANYTHING...

After Mr. Secular, Mr. Super Muslim, and Mr. Fake Muslim, I am with Mr. Laid Back Muslim -my PerfectMatch.. (totally devout himself, but extremely tolerant of the beliefs and level of practice of others...) And at our "advanced age", it's doubtful that either one of us will experience earth shattering changes in our values, morals and belief systems.

Should your SO (some day) take a turn in a different direction, be sure to remind him that you haven't changed ... You are the same person with the same beliefs that he freely chose to marry. Hopefully he will remember that and keep his promises about what role his religion would play in your life and the upbringing of your children.

I wish you both success, happiness, and "synchronization of core values".. for the sake of "peace and harmony" in the family.

[ya falaha! 0]

Thank you for sharing your story, KH.