Feeling Guilty

[Carlawarla 1]

I just wanted to post an update. . .

I've continued to struggle with feelings of guilt over having Sean move to the U.S., but things are getting better.

This past weekend we were in Montreal as you all know. After we got our approval, Sean was literally shaking and he was euphoric. He was so happy that we got approved. We had an amazing time together this weekend, and it really just confirmed that this is what he really wants.

We also went out to breakfast with his mom on Sunday. She told me she has "made her peace" with Sean moving to the U.S. She also commented that she could see how happy Sean was, and that she knew I was making him happy. That meant the world to me to hear her say that.

It looks like a pretty good chunk of his family is going to come to the wedding, so that makes me feel good too. I told his mom about our wedding plans and she seemed interested (though not excited).

The last few visits Sean has been able to stay for a long time (because he got laid off) and each visit just brings us closer and closer together and makes us want to be together even more. My kids can't wait until he moves here too.

So bottom line, I know it will be tough, I know he will miss home, but he wants this and so do I and we will make it work!

Oh- The most ironic thing is that Sean's entire immediate family will be living in Europe next year! His dad has been working and living in Europe for 2 years now, so his mom is taking a leave of absence next school year to go and live with him. His older brother is in Ireland where he is attending medical school, and his twin sister is going to play on a Women's basketball team in Europe as this is her last year of eligibility in college. I just thought that it was funny because how can they be upset about him living in the U.S. when they are all in Europe?

P.S. His mom laughed when I suggested he would get homesick and "cry." lol Sean thought this idea was hysterical. He doesn't cry, but he can be moody/pouty/or get depressed.

Oh Arabella....I'm so happy to read this update! I'm so glad you got to spend some time with your MIL. It sounds like she's come around. Time, and Sean's happiness is the greatest ally of her fears.

[thetreble 19]

Can I just pipe in here a little bit?

From someone who was very young when they moved to the US (22) and this is just my personal experience, I just want you to know that I'm kind of struggling with whether or not I should have been married so young.

You say that Sean is a homebody...and I thought I had become one, too, and was ok with that. But pretending that I'm always a homebody has really put me into a tough spot and lead me to be unhappy a lot. I love socializing, it's human nature. At 22 years old, you can't force him into being older or more mature than he is. I'm 25 now and part of me still wants to party in a way. Not be wild, but certainly go out for drinks, have fun with the girls, etc. I'm not saying I can't do that now, but because I've isolated myself from a lot of friends and just settled into a "married" lifestyle, it really doesn't happen a whole lot and it gets me down.

So, you might just want to consider that regardless of how you see Sean, age will be a factor. Not many people can say they want to be married that you and I certainly now have second thoughts about my course of action. (for a number of reasons)

Again, I'm sure it will be fine and you can't pay attention to what his parents say. But we will continue to re-enforce that regardless of what Sean thinks "now" is not necessarily how he is going to "feel" once he gets to Florida.

[Arabella 4]

Can I just pipe in here a little bit?

From someone who was very young when they moved to the US (22) and this is just my personal experience, I just want you to know that I'm kind of struggling with whether or not I should have been married so young.

You say that Sean is a homebody...and I thought I had become one, too, and was ok with that. But pretending that I'm always a homebody has really put me into a tough spot and lead me to be unhappy a lot. I love socializing, it's human nature. At 22 years old, you can't force him into being older or more mature than he is. I'm 25 now and part of me still wants to party in a way. Not be wild, but certainly go out for drinks, have fun with the girls, etc. I'm not saying I can't do that now, but because I've isolated myself from a lot of friends and just settled into a "married" lifestyle, it really doesn't happen a whole lot and it gets me down.

So, you might just want to consider that regardless of how you see Sean, age will be a factor. Not many people can say they want to be married that you and I certainly now have second thoughts about my course of action. (for a number of reasons)

Again, I'm sure it will be fine and you can't pay attention to what his parents say. But we will continue to re-enforce that regardless of what Sean thinks "now" is not necessarily how he is going to "feel" once he gets to Florida.

Hey Treble,

You're right about getting married young being tough, although at the time I didn't feel like it was. I was 18 when I got married the first time, and stayed married until 26. For me, I never regretted or felt like I missed out on the partying (I was more into school than anything else- got my master's degree at 23), and I enjoyed being a wife and having a husband to take care of and to love.

The only time I regretted anything was when he left me and admitted that our 8 year marriage was a lie because he was unfaithful the entire time. . .

When I was with my ex, I considered myself lucky to not be doing the whole "single scene." Sean is not a lady's man (my ex was), so I don't think he'll regret that either.

I've read over what you wrote a couple of times, and I am wondering if maybe you think that because I am older I don't like to go out? I am confused by your statement. I actually have taken Sean out drinking and dancing several times and we have stayed out late (with a babysitter that spent the night) and have had wonderful times. I am much more social than he is, so I will be taking him out with me. Since I live in Florida the weather is always nice for the beach, a theme park, or whatever. Sean really is a homebody though, and always has been. He doesn't play sports, he'd rather read. He doesn't go out, he'd rather raid. He doesn't even talk to friends on the phone and he rarely sees his friends even though they live nearby.

I'll keep an eye on how he is adjusting. I am hopeful that he will acclimate (not only to the weather but to everything else), but at the same time cautious because I know he faces a lot of changes.