Feeling Guilty

[Arabella 4]

Arabella, I have to say that I think your feeling guilty is a normal reaction for the USC and NOT a sign of weakness

I am the USC and I have had those feelings of guilt too. I've questioned whether I should have made the move to Canada (especially now that hubby has been out of work for a year), I feel bad that he used to visit his family once a month and now can see them once a year at best. But he always reminds me that, no matter how much he misses his family in Canada, this is where he is supposed to be, with me.

Well "luckily" for me, Sean got laid off from work about a month ago, so it makes it a little easier for him to move here since he lost his job anyway. His employer didn't know about him wanting to move here, he was just the least senior person so when business got slow, he was the first to go.

As for being the USC, does it scare you to read all of these "doomsday prophecies" about our economy (did you read the one about China owning our land and homes- or about the dollar becoming worthless?). It just seems that there are so many problems here in the US- our country is in tourmoil over healthcare, unemployment, national debt, foreclosures, businesses folding up- it's a scarey time to live in the US.

[Danu 19]

I really think this is a normal reaction. My parents have said a lot of those things to me, or him, time and time again. My mother is a big patriotic Canadian, which is great, but sometimes she likes to generalize and make negative comments about the US which are a little offensive to even me, and I see many of the same faults as she does. The health care issue has come up many times over the years, but as my mother she's always going to worry about my health and safety no matter what! I'm 21, your fiance is 22, and like him I've never lived away from home, so I really see her having some separation anxiety, the same I saw and still see in my own mother. The "living together first" scenario was an issue here too. I really snaked out of it by sharing my slightly traditional views on "shacking up" and it worked. For me, my family has gradually turned more accepting of the move as time has gone on. After they came down here and attended our wedding things changed. I think my husband feels guilty at times, when I'm upset and missing home, and I think that's a natural reaction.

It's funny because as far as "shacking up" goes- his parents were married young (early 20s), didn't live together first, and were virgins! But they want their kids to live with the person first because "these are different times." Does that seem fair?

Lol. Mine are similar. My parents got engaged within 6 months of knowing each other, but they claim its different cuz they got to live together for a little while before the wedding (we're talking prolly the same amount of time Wes and I have spent together, cuz my dad was always on course with the military). They have said the same things Seans are saying, concerned about us having to get married so fast once I'm there and not having a chance to live together yada yada blah blah. I tell Wes about these things cuz he is my support. Hes the only person I can turn to when things like this are going on and its nice to have him to listen. I don't question my choice at all, I love it down there, love him more than anything and I am happy to move to be with him, but I still get the guilt trips about how he should move up here, blah blah blah. Parents can be very hypocritical sometimes but I know its because they love us and are worried about us. Once you guys are married they will probably come around.

*hugs*

[Carlawarla 1]

Can you stand a bit of a different point of view?

I'm 51, and my kids are 23 and 26. I was reading your first post and thinking about my son, when he was 21. I love my son with all my heart. I think he's fairly "mature", however I will say he's not as mature as my daughter was at 21. I know him different of course than his girlfriend. (he's not engaged nor has been) So, I was reading your post and trying to put it into perspective as far as a Mother.

I can honestly say, I wouldn't be totally supportive of my son's move either. While I want my kids to be happy, and I rarely "butt in", on first reflection here are some of my thoughts, in case you're interested, and again, this is a MOTHER thinking this...

- he hasn't even left home and lived on his own before...and he's thinking of moving 1200 miles away to get married? -Married at 21? Living so far from home?

- going to be a father to two young children?

- his wife is 30? That age gap this young is a big concern of mine...

- has he thought this through?

- is he in "love" or "lust"?

- I wish he would spend some time on his own, learn to live on his own and experience some life responsibility before getting married and raising a family

You may see them as horrible and judgmental thoughts, perhaps they are, but they are mine, and in all honesty what I would be thinking. They would be things I would be thinking...until I thought them through. They would be tempered by the following...

- I was young and (I thought!)in love and moved 1200 miles away from my family at 24 to marry and have children

- They DO seem like they're in love

- I have to let my children experience their own life, and find their own happiness

- Ugh, does it have to be so far away??

- why couldn't she just move to Canada?

- will he have adequate health insurance? just because she has health insurance will it be enough??

- those two precious children...I'd love to be a grandmother

Those are things in honesty I would think as well.

Your fiance has shared some of the things his sister and Mother have told him. What has been his response to this? Does he vehemently talk about his love and the choices he's making? Does he tell you what they think because he wants you to convince him otherwise or does he tell you these things because he doesn't want there to be any secrets between you and he's just honestly sharing with you?

I don't know you, nor your fiance. I don't know about your relationship and how open it is. I can understand your "guilt", I just wanted you to perhaps see where she might be coming from.

Not so that you'll feel more guilty, or angry because she's a *bi$ch*, because reading just what I wrote, I can see how my son's fiance would think that!

Damn, it's hard being a Mom and letting your kids go, to make their way into the world. It takes time to understand the choices they make. Sometimes you think they might not be the best, but you have to let go...but either way, it takes time to come to terms with them. It takes time to get used to the idea. You say they don't often bring it up, so I'm sure they're not barraging him all the time with negativity.

I don't know when you got engaged, but if it's fairly recently, perhaps they are putting their heads in the sand and are still in a little shock that he's going through with it. That he's made the decision, and it's going to happen.

I think at this point, I as a Mother, would be saying "well, it looks like this IS his choice..." and I would begin to think differently and move my thinking to more positive thinking and remember that I only want my son's happiness.

As a Mom, I'd ask that you give me a bit more time...to come to grips with this, and learn to let him go. I'd also want you to know that it isn't "you" per se, it's just this whole "thing"!

I think you're probably wondering why I replied since I've probably said nothing to assuage your feelings of guilt. I just thought right or wrong, you might want to hear what someone of my age, and with a son around the same age might be thinking. I think some of what I think is a generational thing as well.

I do hope that you'll both continue to be happy, and that his Mother and sister will come around. I'm sure they will.

[thetreble 19]

I moved to the US when I was 22. (I'm now 25)

My parents were scared shitless and did not want me to go. And, at that point, I'd been on my own since I was 17 in Ottawa at university for 5 years.

I had a full time job, I was financially stable and looked after myself and they still were worried that this young, Canadian gal would not adjust well in the Soprano State.

Parents always care for their children and I agree with Carla at what they are probably thinking! I'm sure my parents thought some similar things. And, my parents, my siblings, my friends, even my friend's parents' still say stuff about living in the US to make me know they think I made the wrong choice in a way.

But, after almost 3 years of being here, my family has adjusted quite well to the thought. They encourage me and are there for me when I need them. His mum and dad can't control his decisions. They can't forcast what will happen.

Which brings me to another thought...

You can't control what will happen when he arrives. If he hates it, he hates it, and he may give up and move home. He may hate it and then learn to love it. Or, he may love it and never want to leave. As the USC, be ready for a shite storm of emotions. It will be hard on you. And, often times, there will be nothing you can do to make him feel better. But he will make his own choice whether he likes it or not..and you also won't have a choice in that matter because some times it's too overwhelming for people. Heck, I think I almost moved home about 50 times in my first 8 or 9 months of being here.

But as a woman I feel like I'm a lot tougher...many woman will probably agree...and I stuck it out for my husband. I think men tend to be a little bit more "I'm outta here.."

Any ways, I hope it works out Arabella. You've got nothing to feel guilty about. Just prepare yourself for whats ahead because it will be a long road for a little bit.

Edited August 27, 2009 by thetreble

[Autumnchik 6]

Arabella, I have to say that I think your feeling guilty is a normal reaction for the USC and NOT a sign of weakness

I am the USC and I have had those feelings of guilt too. I've questioned whether I should have made the move to Canada (especially now that hubby has been out of work for a year), I feel bad that he used to visit his family once a month and now can see them once a year at best. But he always reminds me that, no matter how much he misses his family in Canada, this is where he is supposed to be, with me.

Well "luckily" for me, Sean got laid off from work about a month ago, so it makes it a little easier for him to move here since he lost his job anyway. His employer didn't know about him wanting to move here, he was just the least senior person so when business got slow, he was the first to go.

As for being the USC, does it scare you to read all of these "doomsday prophecies" about our economy (did you read the one about China owning our land and homes- or about the dollar becoming worthless?). It just seems that there are so many problems here in the US- our country is in tourmoil over healthcare, unemployment, national debt, foreclosures, businesses folding up- it's a scarey time to live in the US.

Honestly, I try not to focus too much on the negative. If I do, I will spiral down into not being able to function and have joy in my life. There are days where I am scared, definitely, but I remind myself that luckily, my field is one where there are jobs and, as the economy tanks, I think even more of a need for mental health services. And my husband has made a decision to change careers and is beginning school next week. So I try to look to the future and remind myself that people are incredibly resilient and are survivors. I don't know what will happen with the economy, but I do know that we will survive. Will our lifestyle change? Likely. It has already changed actually, but we are still here.

[Arabella 4]

Can you stand a bit of a different point of view?

I'm 51, and my kids are 23 and 26. I was reading your first post and thinking about my son, when he was 21. I love my son with all my heart. I think he's fairly "mature", however I will say he's not as mature as my daughter was at 21. I know him different of course than his girlfriend. (he's not engaged nor has been) So, I was reading your post and trying to put it into perspective as far as a Mother.

I can honestly say, I wouldn't be totally supportive of my son's move either. While I want my kids to be happy, and I rarely "butt in", on first reflection here are some of my thoughts, in case you're interested, and again, this is a MOTHER thinking this...

- he hasn't even left home and lived on his own before...and he's thinking of moving 1200 miles away to get married? -Married at 21? Living so far from home?

- going to be a father to two young children?

- his wife is 30? That age gap this young is a big concern of mine...

- has he thought this through?

- is he in "love" or "lust"?

- I wish he would spend some time on his own, learn to live on his own and experience some life responsibility before getting married and raising a family

You may see them as horrible and judgmental thoughts, perhaps they are, but they are mine, and in all honesty what I would be thinking. They would be things I would be thinking...until I thought them through. They would be tempered by the following...

- I was young and (I thought!)in love and moved 1200 miles away from my family at 24 to marry and have children

- They DO seem like they're in love

- I have to let my children experience their own life, and find their own happiness

- Ugh, does it have to be so far away??

- why couldn't she just move to Canada?

- will he have adequate health insurance? just because she has health insurance will it be enough??

- those two precious children...I'd love to be a grandmother

Those are things in honesty I would think as well.

Your fiance has shared some of the things his sister and Mother have told him. What has been his response to this? Does he vehemently talk about his love and the choices he's making? Does he tell you what they think because he wants you to convince him otherwise or does he tell you these things because he doesn't want there to be any secrets between you and he's just honestly sharing with you?

I don't know you, nor your fiance. I don't know about your relationship and how open it is. I can understand your "guilt", I just wanted you to perhaps see where she might be coming from.

Not so that you'll feel more guilty, or angry because she's a *bi$ch*, because reading just what I wrote, I can see how my son's fiance would think that!

Damn, it's hard being a Mom and letting your kids go, to make their way into the world. It takes time to understand the choices they make. Sometimes you think they might not be the best, but you have to let go...but either way, it takes time to come to terms with them. It takes time to get used to the idea. You say they don't often bring it up, so I'm sure they're not barraging him all the time with negativity.

I don't know when you got engaged, but if it's fairly recently, perhaps they are putting their heads in the sand and are still in a little shock that he's going through with it. That he's made the decision, and it's going to happen.

I think at this point, I as a Mother, would be saying "well, it looks like this IS his choice..." and I would begin to think differently and move my thinking to more positive thinking and remember that I only want my son's happiness.

As a Mom, I'd ask that you give me a bit more time...to come to grips with this, and learn to let him go. I'd also want you to know that it isn't "you" per se, it's just this whole "thing"!

I think you're probably wondering why I replied since I've probably said nothing to assuage your feelings of guilt. I just thought right or wrong, you might want to hear what someone of my age, and with a son around the same age might be thinking. I think some of what I think is a generational thing as well.

I do hope that you'll both continue to be happy, and that his Mother and sister will come around. I'm sure they will.

Thanks for the reply Carla. Your thoughts are most certainly similar to Sean's mom (she is 54 so about the same age as you). Your thoughts are also similar to mine because I have in one form or another addressed all of these concerns myself with Sean:

"- he hasn't even left home and lived on his own before...and he's thinking of moving 1200 make that 2000 miles away to get married? -Married at 21? Living so far from home?

- going to be a father to two young children?

- his wife is 30? That age gap this young is a big concern of mine...

- has he thought this through?

- is he in "love" or "lust"?

- I wish he would spend some time on his own, learn to live on his own and experience some life responsibility before getting married and raising a family"

Your list didn't offend me because I have been married before and I am constantly "analyzing" this relationship looking for potential problems areas and I came up with the same list as you (if not more!). I am concerned about the age gap and my children. I am not so concerned about him spending some time on his own. I've never done this so I don't know what the importance is (I went straight from my parent's home to being married, and I have been living "alone" but not quite alone since I am living with 2 children!). All I can think of is the cost associated with moving out and supporting himself. He is an accountant and has a lot of money saved up so he is good with money and knows a lot about adult responsibilities. While his dad has been gone for the past 2 years working overseas, Sean has been responsible for keeping track of and paying all of the bills in his parent's house (with Dad's money of course). I think living alone is a modern-day concept and not necessarily something everyone needs to experience. But I am not a guy so it might be more important for a man.

I don't think his mom is a b* word. In fact I have a lot of respect for her. She is a teacher (I am a school counselor) she speaks 3 languages, and she is a very thoughtful and intelligent woman. I just know how hard it is for a new marriage when the parents aren't supportive. It can hurt the relationship. When he tells me about his family's concerns he does so reluctantly, only to share them with me. Then he always follows up with a statement that this is what he wants to do and he knows his family is going to have concerns no matter what choices he makes in life.

I made this post to deal with my own guilt over the situation. Everyone's responses have helped me to see that both sides- their concerns and my guilt over the concerns- are valid. I know time will tell how it goes once he is here with me. I don't want him to have to experience the pain of a divorce like I had to go through at 26 (I was married at 18!). I just want what's best for him and I want his family to be happy for us even if they don't agree with the decisions.

[Arabella 4]

I moved to the US when I was 22. (I'm now 25)

My parents were scared shitless and did not want me to go. And, at that point, I'd been on my own since I was 17 in Ottawa at university for 5 years.

I had a full time job, I was financially stable and looked after myself and they still were worried that this young, Canadian gal would not adjust well in the Soprano State.

Parents always care for their children and I agree with Carla at what they are probably thinking! I'm sure my parents thought some similar things. And, my parents, my siblings, my friends, even my friend's parents' still say stuff about living in the US to make me know they think I made the wrong choice in a way.

But, after almost 3 years of being here, my family has adjusted quite well to the thought. They encourage me and are there for me when I need them. His mum and dad can't control his decisions. They can't forcast what will happen.

Which brings me to another thought...

You can't control what will happen when he arrives. If he hates it, he hates it, and he may give up and move home. He may hate it and then learn to love it. Or, he may love it and never want to leave. As the USC, be ready for a shite storm of emotions. It will be hard on you. And, often times, there will be nothing you can do to make him feel better. But he will make his own choice whether he likes it or not..and you also won't have a choice in that matter because some times it's too overwhelming for people. Heck, I think I almost moved home about 50 times in my first 8 or 9 months of being here.

But as a woman I feel like I'm a lot tougher...many woman will probably agree...and I stuck it out for my husband. I think men tend to be a little bit more "I'm outta here.."

Any ways, I hope it works out Arabella. You've got nothing to feel guilty about. Just prepare yourself for whats ahead because it will be a long road for a little bit.

Thanks Treble. I am bracing myself for the storm of emotions that he might feel once he moves here. It will be hard for sure for me to stay positive if/when he says he is unhappy and says something about wanting to move back to Canada.

I agree woman are stronger- just look at military wives. When I was an Army wife I just moved, and moved, and moved and then when he was deployed I dealt with it. It was just the way it was. I might have missed home but I never threatened to leave.

I am scared because I was severely rejected by my ex-husband (having your husband leave you when you are pregnant with his second baby does a trip on your self-esteem!), so I tend to go into panic-mode when a concern pops up. I know I will have to see any unhappiness he has as "growing pains" but that will be very hard for me when/if that moment comes. . .

Edited August 27, 2009 by Arabella

[Danu 19]

If it helps at all hon, it might not be that they aren't happy for you guys. I just had to have a long sit down with my family a few weeks over similar issues to what Sean is experiancing. I let them know how their jokes hurt, that it sounded both like they wanted me gone sometimes and like they didn't want me to leave at all. How difficult the decision is for me as I love them, but I love Wes, and I'm moving to be with Wes, not to be gone from them. I think prior to this talk with them the only one who got it was my Dad. Now it seems all these types of remarks have stopped and its much easier to breathe.

Its not that they aren't happy for me. They think Wes is amazing! They are concerned of the distance and the time spent together and all that kind of stuff but its normal. I have lived out on my own, running my own household (though I have to keep reminding my Mom of that ) but it was a lot closer and I felt super homesick. I don't doubt that I will be homesick this time, but I'm hoping it will be a bit better as I will be with someone who doesn't ignore me 24/7 and hopefully I won't be sick for 5 months like I was last time. There are things you can definately help with..like helping to figure out visits back home, making sure he has long distance to call home...setting up webcams if you don't already have them - for him to see his family on skype or something.

I know its easy to feel guilty or uneasy, but I don't think you should dwell too much on it. He made the choice as you said. He probably speaks reluctantly of his families thoughts now because he doesn't want you to feel guilty. I don't think his family necessarily does either, its just that hes their baby...moving so far away. Sometimes parents do have a bit of a knee-jerk reaction to a situation and they don't express themselves right. It may not at all be that they aren't happy for the 2 of you, just not happy with the situation of him moving so far away.

[maribear 0]

Well, I'm pretty much in the same boat as your fiance. My family is not happy that I'm moving to US at all. And they are not coming to the wedding, nor are they going to come visit. They think the US economy is going to tank, and constantly send me (and my fiance) emails talking about how the US is going to have an uprising and riots, etc.

From the other perspective, it's a really frustrating situation to be in, because you feel like you're betraying your family by leaving, and that if things don't work out, you'll be told you made the "wrong choice". The amount of guilt a family can pile onto someone is kind of amazing.

I could see myself getting a little upset if my fiance talked about feeling guilty. And it isn't maybe completely rational - its just such a hard road managing everyone's feelings as it is, you just want someone in your life NOT to have doubts. But of course, the doubts are completely rational, and I think you have every right to express them. I guess what I'm trying to say, is he's probably got a lot going on emotionally, and doesn't want to have to convince someone else in his life (ie. you) that he's making the right choice.

Again its not fair - and I don't think you did anything wrong. Its just a really hard road, especially when you don't have family support. It was probably best that you were honest about your feelings, and he'll probably realize that (if he hasn't already).

Best of luck to you

Thanks Maribear- you're right. He just needs me to be the one person that stays positive and encouraging about this move. I know it's weakness when I let myself feel guilty. Perhaps the next time I feel guilty I should take that as a signal to say something positive and see if that helps the situation.

Oh no! I didn't mean it like that!

You can't help having feelings, and I think it is good expressing them. It's healthy and normal to communicate! And guilt isn't weakness, its just an emotion, and a pretty normal one to feel. And I'm sure he wants to hear how you're doing through this whole process as well. Just be prepared that you might get an emotional response back sometimes It's just an overwhelming process on the other end too. As much as I love my fiance, I just don't have it in me to give anymore after fighting through Visa stuff, work, and managing family emotions sometimes.

I do hope you've got some good supports around you as well - do you have friends and family that you can talk to too?

[Carlawarla 1]

Can you stand a bit of a different point of view?

I'm 51, and my kids are 23 and 26. I was reading your first post and thinking about my son, when he was 21. I love my son with all my heart. I think he's fairly "mature", however I will say he's not as mature as my daughter was at 21. I know him different of course than his girlfriend. (he's not engaged nor has been) So, I was reading your post and trying to put it into perspective as far as a Mother.

I can honestly say, I wouldn't be totally supportive of my son's move either. While I want my kids to be happy, and I rarely "butt in", on first reflection here are some of my thoughts, in case you're interested, and again, this is a MOTHER thinking this...

- he hasn't even left home and lived on his own before...and he's thinking of moving 1200 miles away to get married? -Married at 21? Living so far from home?

- going to be a father to two young children?

- his wife is 30? That age gap this young is a big concern of mine...

- has he thought this through?

- is he in "love" or "lust"?

- I wish he would spend some time on his own, learn to live on his own and experience some life responsibility before getting married and raising a family

You may see them as horrible and judgmental thoughts, perhaps they are, but they are mine, and in all honesty what I would be thinking. They would be things I would be thinking...until I thought them through. They would be tempered by the following...

- I was young and (I thought!)in love and moved 1200 miles away from my family at 24 to marry and have children

- They DO seem like they're in love

- I have to let my children experience their own life, and find their own happiness

- Ugh, does it have to be so far away??

- why couldn't she just move to Canada?

- will he have adequate health insurance? just because she has health insurance will it be enough??

- those two precious children...I'd love to be a grandmother

Those are things in honesty I would think as well.

Your fiance has shared some of the things his sister and Mother have told him. What has been his response to this? Does he vehemently talk about his love and the choices he's making? Does he tell you what they think because he wants you to convince him otherwise or does he tell you these things because he doesn't want there to be any secrets between you and he's just honestly sharing with you?

I don't know you, nor your fiance. I don't know about your relationship and how open it is. I can understand your "guilt", I just wanted you to perhaps see where she might be coming from.

Not so that you'll feel more guilty, or angry because she's a *bi$ch*, because reading just what I wrote, I can see how my son's fiance would think that!

Damn, it's hard being a Mom and letting your kids go, to make their way into the world. It takes time to understand the choices they make. Sometimes you think they might not be the best, but you have to let go...but either way, it takes time to come to terms with them. It takes time to get used to the idea. You say they don't often bring it up, so I'm sure they're not barraging him all the time with negativity.

I don't know when you got engaged, but if it's fairly recently, perhaps they are putting their heads in the sand and are still in a little shock that he's going through with it. That he's made the decision, and it's going to happen.

I think at this point, I as a Mother, would be saying "well, it looks like this IS his choice..." and I would begin to think differently and move my thinking to more positive thinking and remember that I only want my son's happiness.

As a Mom, I'd ask that you give me a bit more time...to come to grips with this, and learn to let him go. I'd also want you to know that it isn't "you" per se, it's just this whole "thing"!

I think you're probably wondering why I replied since I've probably said nothing to assuage your feelings of guilt. I just thought right or wrong, you might want to hear what someone of my age, and with a son around the same age might be thinking. I think some of what I think is a generational thing as well.

I do hope that you'll both continue to be happy, and that his Mother and sister will come around. I'm sure they will.

Thanks for the reply Carla. Your thoughts are most certainly similar to Sean's mom (she is 54 so about the same age as you). Your thoughts are also similar to mine because I have in one form or another addressed all of these concerns myself with Sean:

"- he hasn't even left home and lived on his own before...and he's thinking of moving 1200 make that 2000 miles away to get married? -Married at 21? Living so far from home?

- going to be a father to two young children?

- his wife is 30? That age gap this young is a big concern of mine...

- has he thought this through?

- is he in "love" or "lust"?

- I wish he would spend some time on his own, learn to live on his own and experience some life responsibility before getting married and raising a family"

Your list didn't offend me because I have been married before and I am constantly "analyzing" this relationship looking for potential problems areas and I came up with the same list as you (if not more!). I am concerned about the age gap and my children. I am not so concerned about him spending some time on his own. I've never done this so I don't know what the importance is (I went straight from my parent's home to being married, and I have been living "alone" but not quite alone since I am living with 2 children!). All I can think of is the cost associated with moving out and supporting himself. He is an accountant and has a lot of money saved up so he is good with money and knows a lot about adult responsibilities. While his dad has been gone for the past 2 years working overseas, Sean has been responsible for keeping track of and paying all of the bills in his parent's house (with Dad's money of course). I think living alone is a modern-day concept and not necessarily something everyone needs to experience. But I am not a guy so it might be more important for a man.

I don't think his mom is a b* word. In fact I have a lot of respect for her. She is a teacher (I am a school counselor) she speaks 3 languages, and she is a very thoughtful and intelligent woman. I just know how hard it is for a new marriage when the parents aren't supportive. It can hurt the relationship. When he tells me about his family's concerns he does so reluctantly, only to share them with me. Then he always follows up with a statement that this is what he wants to do and he knows his family is going to have concerns no matter what choices he makes in life.

I made this post to deal with my own guilt over the situation. Everyone's responses have helped me to see that both sides- their concerns and my guilt over the concerns- are valid. I know time will tell how it goes once he is here with me. I don't want him to have to experience the pain of a divorce like I had to go through at 26 (I was married at 18!). I just want what's best for him and I want his family to be happy for us even if they don't agree with the decisions.

I think it's really clear given your response to my posting Arabella that he loves you very much, and is just sharing his family concerns but also reassuring you of his decisions as well. He sounds like even though he's been living at home all of us life, that he makes a good living, he's handling the financial affairs of his family home right now, and sometimes maybe gets overwhelmed himself about the future. Not in a negative sense. Certainly something he seems able to share with you.

I think the guilt your feeling is normal, the wanting to be together, and knowing what's he's leaving in Canada to be with you and the girls. He will probably get homesick. I'm sure you've read enough about that here from those of us that have moved from Canada! Hopefully he can make it back to Canada before too long after his move. It doesn't take long before when you go back to Canada, while it's really nice, you also miss your loved ones here, and your "home" here as well. Then you truly know where your "home" is.

I truly think his Mom will be more positive about everything once it's closer to the interview date. Make sure your fiance shares all the lovely things you two are planning about the upcoming wedding as well! Has he asked them if they're going to come even?

I know you want the best for him, for you...for your girls, and that's being together. I think they'll be happy, that he's happy...it's just taking them a longer time to come to terms with everything.

All the best...to you, him and your little family!

[Arabella 4]

I just wanted to post an update. . .

I've continued to struggle with feelings of guilt over having Sean move to the U.S., but things are getting better.

This past weekend we were in Montreal as you all know. After we got our approval, Sean was literally shaking and he was euphoric. He was so happy that we got approved. We had an amazing time together this weekend, and it really just confirmed that this is what he really wants.

We also went out to breakfast with his mom on Sunday. She told me she has "made her peace" with Sean moving to the U.S. She also commented that she could see how happy Sean was, and that she knew I was making him happy. That meant the world to me to hear her say that.

It looks like a pretty good chunk of his family is going to come to the wedding, so that makes me feel good too. I told his mom about our wedding plans and she seemed interested (though not excited).

The last few visits Sean has been able to stay for a long time (because he got laid off) and each visit just brings us closer and closer together and makes us want to be together even more. My kids can't wait until he moves here too.

So bottom line, I know it will be tough, I know he will miss home, but he wants this and so do I and we will make it work!

Oh- The most ironic thing is that Sean's entire immediate family will be living in Europe next year! His dad has been working and living in Europe for 2 years now, so his mom is taking a leave of absence next school year to go and live with him. His older brother is in Ireland where he is attending medical school, and his twin sister is going to play on a Women's basketball team in Europe as this is her last year of eligibility in college. I just thought that it was funny because how can they be upset about him living in the U.S. when they are all in Europe?

P.S. His mom laughed when I suggested he would get homesick and "cry." lol Sean thought this idea was hysterical. He doesn't cry, but he can be moody/pouty/or get depressed.

[Malrothien 6]

Arabella - I know where you're coming from. I keep asking hubby, "do you really want to do this?" He always says yes but you wonder.

I'm glad the situation is finding it's way for you guys, though.

[Krikit 1,164]

Excellent news, Arabella!

[Autumnchik 6]

Nice to read this update

[MapleLeafBaby 1]

It is a big deal...I think as the one's being in the relationship, we get so caught up in the 'get the approval' and process...that we ride that high for so long.... everyone deals with it differently....the USC excited to havea loved one here, which then turns challanging once the foreigner is here, cause they do have 'homesick' moments and the USC deals with guilt and trying to accomodate the spouse.... the foreign spouse is excited to move..and deals with nervousness...and uncertainty of what life may be like in a new counrty..which then turns to some struggles when they get there...to start from scratch.... families abroad that miss their loved one and not seeing them as often...

Everyone's feelings are valid....and a lot of times, based on fear of the unknown...many people and family members may sometimes act out in non desirable ways..

I for one, was so excited after a year of waiting, that I thought all would be rosey....well, normal life sets in and many challenges lie ahead....it is not your nomral courtship or marriage...and I truly feel that if the foundation is strong and both are considerate of eachothers feelings and fears...you should be able to overcome many of the challenges...

Each day brings something new....I for one never regret my decision and love my husband like mad....and he too loves me just the same...but there are times each day that we deal with one issue or another, that many times involve family etc.... This is one of the most drastic decisions I have ever made....and for the person moving away from their country, many times is bitter sweet...but I can tell you that my new found happiness always out weighs everything else....God only knows some of the challenges are big ones and many tears have been shed....love is great and hard work at the same time. I for one am thankful to be sharing it with my bestest friend in the whole wide world.... especially when kids are involved, it is even more of an impact....

I wish you the best of luck and many years of happiness....after a period of time, everything and everyone falls into their place.

All the best