Feeling Guilty

[Arabella 4]

The good news is that we just got our NOA2 on Monday.

So of course as things are starting to move along I am looking forward to him being here and he and his family are talking a little more about his move to the US. I spoke to Sean last night, and he was telling me that he and his twin sister were talking about him moving to Florida. His family is supportive of him, and has always been nice to me, but I feel super guilty everytime I hear things like this:

"My mom is disappointed that I am moving to America. She is really pro-Canada and doesn't care much for America." (she won't even drink wine made in California)

"My mom is concerned about healthcare in America."

"My parents feel we should live together first."

"My sister is concerned that we haven't lived together first and that I don't know what I am jumping into."

Sean has said all along that at some point he was going to leave home, and he is happy about moving to Florida. He tells me this is his choice and he is happy with his choice, but nervous and scared at the same time. I am going to take care of him as best I can (including putting him on my insurance which is going to cost me an extra $300 a month!), and it just makes me feel sad and guilty as if I am taking him away from the comforts of Canada when I hear these comments.

I also have two children. He adores my girls and they are crazy about him. They talk about him all the time and even draw pictures of him at school. They call him "Prince Charming" and they can't wait until mommy and Prince Charming get married (at a castle . . . like Cinderella ). He buys them books and toys and when he visits he plays with them and they all have a blast. He says he loves my daughters and it makes me so happy. They would be heart broken if we ever broke up (their real dad is more like an uncle to them- he left before Emma was born when Kassie wasn't even 2 years old and they only see him 2-3 times a year because he is in the military and lives in Texas, currently he is in Iraq).

He is very young (almost 22) but he is very mature for his age. He is not into partying, he likes to stay home and read (he is an avid reader- always has a book he is reading), play on the computer, or just do things around the house. He believes in loyalty and faithfulness to only one woman- he has only had one other girlfriend besides me. He has been in love with me since even before we met in person (when he was 19). He is very kind and generous and goes out of his way to do nice things for me. We have so much in common and we never feel the age difference between us. I forget most of the time that he is only 21. Sometimes I remind myself of this fact, and I get scared and start to think "what if he changes his mind about me . . . etc.".

So last night he got upset with me for feeling "guilty" about him moving here. He told me that I shouldn't feel guilty because it is his choice.

He says that if he were to move out of his parent's home he would probably be living in a small apartment and be living on Ramen noodles just like any other college age person, so he doesn't feel like it is a sacrifice to live with me in Florida. I live in a nice home on a canal, across the street from the ocean, and we have access to a resort that is right across the street because my parents own time shares there. I don't have a lot of "extra money" so we have to eat at home and do things that don't cost much (forget Disney World!) His mom is always taking him out to eat, I rarely ever go out to eat. He says he prefers to stay home anyway.

Has anyone else felt this way? What happens when he moves here and he gets the blues and misses Canada? I want to make him happy and I hope he will be content but I am scared that he might miss home. He comes from a wealthy family and is given everything. I live modestly, but can support the 4 of us on my salary.

I want his family to be happy for him, but I can understand why they have doubts. I know I need to be positive because he is giving up so much to move down here. I just feel so guilty like I am "stealing him away" from his family and home.

Ok so this is all randomness but it is bugging me and I just need to get it all sorted out so that I can feel good about this decision and face his parents with smiles when/if they come to our wedding.

His uncle and aunt are the only ones who have expressed interest in coming to our wedding. They told us to call them and they would hop on a plane immediately. His parents haven't even asked what our plans are for our wedding and we have been engaged since February . . .

[nurse1967 287]

I know it is really tough when you feel like the family is against you. Do you think they will come around once you are married? My ex husband's mom hated me from day one and I thought over time I could win her over. WRONG. Just remember you marry the family whether he says so or not. I hope everything works out for you guys!

[Arabella 4]

I know it is really tough when you feel like the family is against you. Do you think they will come around once you are married? My ex husband's mom hated me from day one and I thought over time I could win her over. WRONG. Just remember you marry the family whether he says so or not. I hope everything works out for you guys!

They don't have a problem with me necessarily, just with him moving to the US and the fact that I have kids and am older. Otherwise he says his parents like me very much.

[Udella&Wiz 325]

Have you met his family very much? I wonder if they're a little in the dark and just unsure of his plans?

Heck - people asked me those same questions and it's the 2nd time around for me and I was 37 I don't know what the age difference is for you 2, but I guess I could see his parent's side too. he's going to move pretty far away and like you said, hasn't been out on his own yet too much if he's 22-ish.

As for the wedding, all you can do is tell people how the immirgartion thing is going and what you're planning and then leave it up to the gods. My own 2 brothers didn't / couldn't attend my wedding, although my parents did. I was pretty heart broken about it because it had a lot to do with how far away i was and their lack of $$$$. I even considered getting married in New York before heading back to Virginia just so I could have more family guests.

Anyway - does sound like you guys are hitting one of those inevitable rough patches and family isn't being as supportive as it could be. Getting their by-in would really be good. He WILL hit some rough patches after he moves and while you can't make everything perfect you can gently encourage and nudge and encourage some more to help him find his spot after he moves. Don't lose patience during this time...for me over the course of several years I have bad patches (like just the other day) but it doesn't last forever and then I start seeing more positive things again and I see value in my daily life here in the US, although I deeply miss family

Edited August 26, 2009 by Udella&Wiz

[Krikit 1,164]

He will get the blues and he will miss Canada. It's all part and parcel, so try not to fret too much because it gets easier with time.

We cannot control what others think, say, or do. Sometimes they say (or do) stupid stuff and will regret it afterwards, but you won't know. Parents will always be concerned for their children. You know that as a parent. Even when they are grown adults. Try not to take their comments personally. They are just expressing their love and concern, and a certain sense of loss. It has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. As for them not asking about the wedding.... I think it's a kind of ostrich-in-the-sand type of reaction. If they don't discuss it, perhaps it won't happen and they will not have to say goodbye.

You sound like a nice person with a good heart, Arabella. Eventually they will focus more on what a lucky man their son is to have you rather than their fear of loss. Don't worry. It's just something they have to go through. They'll move beyond it and things will get better.

[trailmix 77]

I know it is really tough when you feel like the family is against you. Do you think they will come around once you are married? My ex husband's mom hated me from day one and I thought over time I could win her over. WRONG. Just remember you marry the family whether he says so or not. I hope everything works out for you guys!

They don't have a problem with me necessarily, just with him moving to the US and the fact that I have kids and am older. Otherwise he says his parents like me very much.

Well, he doesn't care about the age difference or leaving Canada in general, so I would just ignore the rest.

The thing is, his parents, sisters, whomever all bring their own thoughts to the table, this is normal. Maybe they have hangups about age differences in couples, well, that's not your fiances or your problem - it's their thing, nothing to do with you.

I can understand him feeling upset at your 'guilt', he is just openly expressing to you what people in his family are saying to him, he is just sharing this, probably without a lot of emotion behind it as he has already made up his mind that he is coming to marry you!

Therefore when you put onus on what has been said and turn it in to an emotional situation, he is probably wondering why.

As for his Mother's opinion of the U.S. - well obviously she doesn't like it very much - but that's ok, it really has nothing to do with the two of you. The way I see it, if she said - the U.S. is bad and you are silly to think of going to live there - and he then said to you, wow maybe it's silly of me to go live in the U.S. - that's one thing - but from what you have said, that's not the case.

As for the wedding - it doesn't really matter does it? It may or may not be a matter of them approving, may just be a matter of them not wanting to travel, for whatever reason. It's your expectation that is clouding this issue. He is not concerned about it is he? If not, well you hardly know these people, so what does it matter? - it's really about you and your fiance.

Just try to remember that your fiance is not coming to live in a concentration camp with a witch. He is coming to live in beautiful Florida with someone he loves who has 2 children that he also loves!

[maribear 0]

Well, I'm pretty much in the same boat as your fiance. My family is not happy that I'm moving to US at all. And they are not coming to the wedding, nor are they going to come visit. They think the US economy is going to tank, and constantly send me (and my fiance) emails talking about how the US is going to have an uprising and riots, etc.

From the other perspective, it's a really frustrating situation to be in, because you feel like you're betraying your family by leaving, and that if things don't work out, you'll be told you made the "wrong choice". The amount of guilt a family can pile onto someone is kind of amazing.

I could see myself getting a little upset if my fiance talked about feeling guilty. And it isn't maybe completely rational - its just such a hard road managing everyone's feelings as it is, you just want someone in your life NOT to have doubts. But of course, the doubts are completely rational, and I think you have every right to express them. I guess what I'm trying to say, is he's probably got a lot going on emotionally, and doesn't want to have to convince someone else in his life (ie. you) that he's making the right choice.

Again its not fair - and I don't think you did anything wrong. Its just a really hard road, especially when you don't have family support. It was probably best that you were honest about your feelings, and he'll probably realize that (if he hasn't already).

Best of luck to you

[movingsoon2 0]

When I left Canada, it was my personal choice to do so and to marry my fiance. Same for your fiance, it is his choice, he needs to do what he needs to do and take full responsibility for his decision. You should feel no guilt whatsoever.

The lack of his family support is a big deal, that's my opinion though.

[SapphireDreams 71]

I think that we often forget that this move also affects the USC. I think it's perfectly normal for you to feel guilty but I wouldn't let it bother you too much. He will get homesick for sure. Did he go away for school? Has he ever lived away from home? I know that when I moved away from home for the first time I was completely shocked at how hard it was and I was only an hour away. I knew that this move would be tough for me based on that experience, but I also knew how to better deal with it this time around.

I'm sure his family is more concerned about him than anything. He needs to give them reassurance that this is his choice. They will come around eventually, at least I think so. It's hard for parents to let go of their kids when they live at home and are around the age he is at.

Good luck to you both. I'm sure it will work out fine.

[Arabella 4]

I think that we often forget that this move also affects the USC. I think it's perfectly normal for you to feel guilty but I wouldn't let it bother you too much. He will get homesick for sure. Did he go away for school? Has he ever lived away from home? I know that when I moved away from home for the first time I was completely shocked at how hard it was and I was only an hour away. I knew that this move would be tough for me based on that experience, but I also knew how to better deal with it this time around.

I'm sure his family is more concerned about him than anything. He needs to give them reassurance that this is his choice. They will come around eventually, at least I think so. It's hard for parents to let go of their kids when they live at home and are around the age he is at.

Good luck to you both. I'm sure it will work out fine.

Thanks for all the comments. It helps me feel better to read your responses.

No, he has never lived away from home. He's lived in the same house since he was born! His older brother and his twin sister have been going to college in Winnipeg which is about 2,100 miles from where he lives (near Hamilton). His brother is moving to Ireland in a few weeks to start medical school, his sister is finishing a double major at the University of Manitoba and then will probably stay there for graduate school. His dad even works overseas in Serbia and is only home for a month or a few weeks at a time. His grandparents lived in Kissimmee, Florida for 10 years, his uncle lived in Jacksonville, FL for a few years and told me about how he worked for NASA at one point (which is near where I live), and his other uncle and aunt moved to Orlando a couple of years ago to retire, but then moved back to Canada. So the rest of his family has been everywhere except for him!

At first he was begging me to let him move in so he could get out of his small town (that was before we knew about all of this Visa stuff). Now that we've had months to sit and wait, he is still sure in his decision to marry me and move here, he is just scared about the unknowns. I try to re-assure him, but I feel huge guilt for him having these fears at all or having to answer his family's concerns. ,

When I was 20 I moved 3000 miles from Florida to California. I remember not even giving it a second thought. I had married a military guy and that was where we had to go. I then moved to North Carolina, Arizona, and then back to Florida. I know he'll be ok, I just feel a lot of pressure to make him happy, take care of him, and not disappoint his family in any way. I want them to be happy for us and I don't want any of their fears about the US to be a reality for Sean.

As far as his parents, they've known about me for almost 3 years, and have semi-supported the relationship (for example his mom paid for a last-minute trip for him to come and see me, she also paid for a very nice hotel stay for us when I was in Canada in February) while expressing concerns at the same time. I'd like it if they showed more interest in our wedding plans (like I said they have shown none so far).

His family seems like the type that will be there for him no matter what, but in the meantime I am dealing with the guilt issues and wanting the best for him when he moves here.

[Arabella 4]

Well, I'm pretty much in the same boat as your fiance. My family is not happy that I'm moving to US at all. And they are not coming to the wedding, nor are they going to come visit. They think the US economy is going to tank, and constantly send me (and my fiance) emails talking about how the US is going to have an uprising and riots, etc.

From the other perspective, it's a really frustrating situation to be in, because you feel like you're betraying your family by leaving, and that if things don't work out, you'll be told you made the "wrong choice". The amount of guilt a family can pile onto someone is kind of amazing.

I could see myself getting a little upset if my fiance talked about feeling guilty. And it isn't maybe completely rational - its just such a hard road managing everyone's feelings as it is, you just want someone in your life NOT to have doubts. But of course, the doubts are completely rational, and I think you have every right to express them. I guess what I'm trying to say, is he's probably got a lot going on emotionally, and doesn't want to have to convince someone else in his life (ie. you) that he's making the right choice.

Again its not fair - and I don't think you did anything wrong. Its just a really hard road, especially when you don't have family support. It was probably best that you were honest about your feelings, and he'll probably realize that (if he hasn't already).

Best of luck to you

It sounds like you have it really tough. I don't get any emails or calls or anything from his family. In fact in a month's time they might only mention me once to Sean. I think they might have their "heads in the sand" so to speak about this whole moving to America/Visa process. I guess I should consider myself lucky that I am not being called and/or emailed with complaints from his folks.

Edit: Every once-in-a-while Sean's mom will ask how I am and how my kids are. That's about it.

Edited August 26, 2009 by Arabella

[Arabella 4]

Well, I'm pretty much in the same boat as your fiance. My family is not happy that I'm moving to US at all. And they are not coming to the wedding, nor are they going to come visit. They think the US economy is going to tank, and constantly send me (and my fiance) emails talking about how the US is going to have an uprising and riots, etc.

From the other perspective, it's a really frustrating situation to be in, because you feel like you're betraying your family by leaving, and that if things don't work out, you'll be told you made the "wrong choice". The amount of guilt a family can pile onto someone is kind of amazing.

I could see myself getting a little upset if my fiance talked about feeling guilty. And it isn't maybe completely rational - its just such a hard road managing everyone's feelings as it is, you just want someone in your life NOT to have doubts. But of course, the doubts are completely rational, and I think you have every right to express them. I guess what I'm trying to say, is he's probably got a lot going on emotionally, and doesn't want to have to convince someone else in his life (ie. you) that he's making the right choice.

Again its not fair - and I don't think you did anything wrong. Its just a really hard road, especially when you don't have family support. It was probably best that you were honest about your feelings, and he'll probably realize that (if he hasn't already).

Best of luck to you

Thanks Maribear- you're right. He just needs me to be the one person that stays positive and encouraging about this move. I know it's weakness when I let myself feel guilty. Perhaps the next time I feel guilty I should take that as a signal to say something positive and see if that helps the situation.

Edited August 26, 2009 by Arabella

[Hugglebuggles 60]

I really think this is a normal reaction. My parents have said a lot of those things to me, or him, time and time again. My mother is a big patriotic Canadian, which is great, but sometimes she likes to generalize and make negative comments about the US which are a little offensive to even me, and I see many of the same faults as she does. The health care issue has come up many times over the years, but as my mother she's always going to worry about my health and safety no matter what! I'm 21, your fiance is 22, and like him I've never lived away from home, so I really see her having some separation anxiety, the same I saw and still see in my own mother. The "living together first" scenario was an issue here too. I really snaked out of it by sharing my slightly traditional views on "shacking up" and it worked. For me, my family has gradually turned more accepting of the move as time has gone on. After they came down here and attended our wedding things changed. I think my husband feels guilty at times, when I'm upset and missing home, and I think that's a natural reaction.

[Arabella 4]

I really think this is a normal reaction. My parents have said a lot of those things to me, or him, time and time again. My mother is a big patriotic Canadian, which is great, but sometimes she likes to generalize and make negative comments about the US which are a little offensive to even me, and I see many of the same faults as she does. The health care issue has come up many times over the years, but as my mother she's always going to worry about my health and safety no matter what! I'm 21, your fiance is 22, and like him I've never lived away from home, so I really see her having some separation anxiety, the same I saw and still see in my own mother. The "living together first" scenario was an issue here too. I really snaked out of it by sharing my slightly traditional views on "shacking up" and it worked. For me, my family has gradually turned more accepting of the move as time has gone on. After they came down here and attended our wedding things changed. I think my husband feels guilty at times, when I'm upset and missing home, and I think that's a natural reaction.

It's funny because as far as "shacking up" goes- his parents were married young (early 20s), didn't live together first, and were virgins! But they want their kids to live with the person first because "these are different times." Does that seem fair?

[Autumnchik 6]

Arabella, I have to say that I think your feeling guilty is a normal reaction for the USC and NOT a sign of weakness

I am the USC and I have had those feelings of guilt too. I've questioned whether I should have made the move to Canada (especially now that hubby has been out of work for a year), I feel bad that he used to visit his family once a month and now can see them once a year at best. But he always reminds me that, no matter how much he misses his family in Canada, this is where he is supposed to be, with me.