Which of us is responsible for keeping track of deadline

[balmytigeress 0]

Hi,

I am the US citizen, he is the "alien." We have a little ongoing issue about who is responsible for keeping track of his deadlines and dates. From his perspective, I am the one responsible because he came here for me, I am supposed to know more, so it is my responsibility to know and if I don't, to know that I don't know and find out. From my perspective, he is an adult and he needs to do it. Right now we are trying to enroll him in ESL classes at the local community college. I haven't been in college for a few years and I was not aware of when classes start. Somehow I should have known, but I did not, it did not occur to me. In some ways this makes me worthy of the blame, but I don't know how to handle this better than I am. So classes started today, and all the best class times have been taken, and he is left with the dregs. I should have known this was a possibility, but I somehow it just didn't occur to me. So I am looking very unreliable right now.

I feel that I did bring him, so I do have some measure of responsibility, however I also feel like he needs to learn to do this by himself. He has been here for 2 years now. As the USC I do need to lead him to some extent. What is a reasonable way to handle this? I guess I forget some times that there are some things he does not know. I take some knowledge for granted and it somehow does not occur to me that some things he does not know. I don't always know what he needs to know and it puts me in a bad position sometimes (like recently he overdrew his bank account, he thought the bank would call or simply not let him go over what what there - but they let him overdraw and accrue fees to a total of about $570 before freezing the account - this is something that would have been prevented if I knew what he was thinking and if I realized he wasn't keeping track, and if I insisted that he go to the bank after the store wouldn't take his card - that day he was very touchy and I was scared to bring up the concept of overdraft fees, before that day I didn't think about it at all). It's quite frustrating for both of us, but part of that may be because we are smack dab in the middle of living it. From the outside looking in, the answers may be very simple. There is probably things on his side and mine that we need to address.

BT

Edited August 25, 2009 by balmytigeress

[Rhiannercakes 14]

Hm, I think it should be the responsibility of both parties.

You both decided that you wanted to live together in the US, and a relationship is not a one person thing.

Perhaps you can keep track of it on a calender and once things start getting closer, you can discuss the step and what needs to be done, or even if money needs to be saved for it.

I'm thinking that way you can learn to work things together instead of trying to pin the responsibility on one person... because that could lead to arguments and hurtful things being said.

If you both work on it together and understand what needs to be done when and how, then maybe it'll be easier on you two.

Of course, this is just my opinion.

[milimelo 4,477]

From the alien's perspective, I can tell you I am the one who pretty much handles everything - even made my husband enroll in college to start using his GI Bill. I was the one who made him contact congressman when GC never showed up, kept track on timeline for ROC, compiled everything - all my hubby had to do is sign the paper.

It was beneficial for me that I did study in the US for a year and then worked with a US-based company in my home country so I knew the ins and outs of various things.

What your husband should have read upon once he entered the country is the manual for New Residents - covers all the basic things that USCs take for granted - banking, school, job hunting. It's never too late to have him read this.

BTW, for some things I am thinking of sending my husband off to some of the classes advertised in those emails: "how to put down the toilet seat", "how to change a roll of paper"...

[Kathryn41 3,205]

I agree that it is both party's responsibility - however, as the foreign spouse I find I am the one who does keep track of everything. This has proven to be the best step as my husband is hopeless in keeping track of those details. Accordingly, I have also taken over remembering family members birthdays and buying cards and gifts because if I left it up to him he would remember at the last minute and then it would be too late. I also remind him about Doctor and Dentist appointments and such. This is just part of his personality so since the immigration issues matter to me and knowing his propensity not to think about things until too late, I take on that responsibility. I think you need to find out what will work for the two of you, but I do think your husband as the beneficiary should take an active interest in the well-being of his immigrant status.

[Usui Takumi 1,562]

I agree that it is both party's responsibility - however, as the foreign spouse I find I am the one who does keep track of everything. This has proven to be the best step as my husband is hopeless in keeping track of those details. Accordingly, I have also taken over remembering family members birthdays and buying cards and gifts because if I left it up to him he would remember at the last minute and then it would be too late. I also remind him about Doctor and Dentist appointments and such. This is just part of his personality so since the immigration issues matter to me and knowing his propensity not to think about things until too late, I take on that responsibility. I think you need to find out what will work for the two of you, but I do think your husband as the beneficiary should take an active interest in the well-being of his immigrant status.

Its the Girl's responsibility for everything.

Just Kidding. I'd say I am mainly responsible for all the immigration stuff (the USC) but my wife generally has a better knowledge of our goings on (with the exception of telecom/energy bills/car insurance etc.)

[Rhiannercakes 14]

And as much as I've said that it should be up to both parties, in the end I'm the one that remembers all the dates.

I know more about the immigration process and remember the more important dates.

I'll probably be the one buying gifts and sending cards and reminding him of appointments (and even forcing him to go to them ).

Maybe it's just something programed into women that just makes us better at remembering these things, even if we really badly want our other half to help along with it... but are maybe too afraid to see them do it because they'll just forget and make us look silly.

My fiance had one of those PDAs to help him remember dates and times and appointments, but he hopelessly lost that. I think my brain will end up being his PDA one day. Time to start programming him.

[Gemmie 142]

I used to think it should be a matter of each person being equally involved. After all, it's a relationship and all of this paperwork comes with it, right? To a certain extent, I still think that's true. Partnerships should never leave one person feeling frustrated and resentful because of 'who does what'. Both people need to work at things. I ended up feeling quite frustrated with my fiance as I found myself doing everything for the K1 process and constantly having to remind him of the AOS requirements and timeline. In fact, I swore that I wasn't going to actively "do" the AOS at all because I was fed up of doing it.

I've changed how I feel a little. Lately I've been learning that it's not unusual for one person to do more of the research and preparing for important practical things... in my relationship, it happens to be me. However, my SO is the one to take care of other things in life. He makes sure that coffee is made, bills are paid, cups are taken downstairs, etc. He doesn't mind cleaning and likes to cook for me. Not that those things are any less "important" than the immigration paperwork but it's still nice to know that he does things to make effort in our relationship. To expect us both to have equal imput at everything was a little immature of me. We have our strengths and weaknesses.

[balmytigeress 0]

He has tried to rely on me for dates and numbers. Our history has shown that I have horrible about it. I am low energy, so it is very hard for me to be the impetus behind everything getting done. Ohhh the weight of all this things that have I have forgotten! In my 25 years of life before him, I never got in so much trouble or had more yelling and lectures that I have in the past 2 years.

Now, if we could figure out how to do things in a way that plays to my strengths instead of the ways that bang my head against my weaknesses. The focus lately is on what is wrong with me. It's hard and discouraging. I made some mistakes and I need some way to be allowed to live it down. This whole class registration dates thing is just another in a string of things that make me look like I can't be counted on for anything. It's tiring having my bad points and my mistakes become the focus of everything.

Edited August 25, 2009 by balmytigeress

[Otto 83]

Goodness - skipping past the obvious (both parties are responsible) answer, which is my response, regardless of what am about to write below...

It's his responsibility - it's his PR/Green Card - he's not a child, you didn't give birth to him and are somehow responsible for his every action. The US (last time I checked) isn't the only country that has expiration dates on things like I.D. Cards, Passports, etc. And we didn't invent the calendar either. (Am being facetious of course.) ~End Rant (see first response)

[trillium13 84]

You say he "came here for you", but I doubt you had to force him. He has has the energy and takes the initiative to be yelling at you for forgetting things, but he can't take any initiative to do ANY of this for himself? I don't know all of your situation honestly, but from what you've posted it sounds like he may be just generally irresponsible.

Married couples have to work together. It should never be about counting the number of things one does for the other or assigning blame. This sounds like more than just an issue over immigration deadlines. It sounds like you need him to step up and help you, and he doesn't want to, or think he should have to. It was as much his choice to come here as it was yours. It's also his responsibility to step up and do the things it takes to be here. I don't think he should be doing it all himself either-but you should be working as partners, not pointing fingers and yelling and making each other feel like shiat.

It sounds like you're making excuses for him.

Edited August 25, 2009 by trillium13

[Ellie-and-David 38]

I must admit. As the immigrant I feel that I should be the one to take responsibility for my own immigration paperwork. I will be the one who remembers dates, I will be the one who keeps track of when to file for removal of conditions, make appointments and collate supporting evidence.

I am ok with that actually. I want to take responsibility for it. I know it should be a joint effort, but as a closet control freak, I must confess....I dont trust him to do it right AND.....I have found myself enjoying getting to grips with the process. But then I am a law nerd (did a law degree) and am fascinated by administrative processes of any kind (although never in my wildest dreams did I imagine myself carrying out this immigration process)

On the other hand, English is my first language, and getting a grip on all of this immigration stuff must be hard on those who are trying to follow and comprehend things in a second language. I am sure if my husband felt that I was struggling with the immigration paperwork he would help.

I think your husband needs to start assuming responsibility of his life. If he continues to constantly rely on you, then it will put a strain on your relationship, frustrating you and leaving him incapable of making decisions and assuming the responsibility for any given aspect of life.

S'time for him to suck it up, take a breath and find a few things out on his own (sometimes (sorry about the bank charges) the hard way)

[TBoneTX 45,273]

The OP's expressed concerns are important, yet certainly not fatal. The situation is important, and certainly correctable. If this is the most strife that they will face, they have a rather high-class problem.

First thing, and an important one: In any situation where anyone is NEW (to a job, to a relationship, to a country), never, EVER assume knowledge!

Next: Most people vary in their sense of detail, organization, and follow-through on the attendant responsibilities. The partner who is stronger in this area can take charge of this with little dismay, and can feel good about it.

The calendar idea of above is excellent. Calendars are neutral. At our house, we have a large "desk" calendar nailed to the wall, and we write notes about what is upcoming, due, or to be prepared to begin. Although I happen to be the one to attend to these items, you (the OP) can note such things and put your initials after some and his initials after some, thereby applying some painless mutual accountability and a "sharing" of responsibility (sharing is always good in a marriage, si man?). It might also be fun to stand together by the calendar and check off items that each of you have completed, sharing in that satisfaction.

For longer-term items, such as those that will occur months in the future, use the "notes" portion of the calendar. When you discard the page of a month that has ended, transfer those items to the new month, either into the "notes" section or into the appropriate day of the new month.

No one is ever perfect at remembering everything, but the above considerations can help even two fairly "disorganized" people remember MOST things, si man.

Edited August 25, 2009 by TBoneTX

[justashooter 430]

can't balance a bank account after 2 years, or even speak english? get a new car, ma'am.

[Jenn! 918]

can't balance a bank account after 2 years, or even speak english? get a new car, ma'am.

Yeah, maybe you can get cash for that clunker of yours.

Seriously though, I think this problem has little to do with the specific immigration deadline problem and more to do with the general assumption of responsibilities in the relationship. If no effort is put into figuring out who is to do what, then the more organized/responsible partner (i.e. the woman ) will have to assume most of the responsibilities. Speaking from experience, you can't just tell someone to be more organized and to assume responsibilities x, y, and z. You have to *teach* them how to do it, and teaching someone to do something is always more difficult than doing it yourself. Unfortunately, if you want him to share the load, you'll need to put in a good amount of effort to make that happen. Just MHO.

[LaL 418]

I (the USC) handled it all for my husband simply because I am better at paperwork. Nothing else.