Having a tough time...

[Chica Yeyé 41]

I have no wise words... just a lot of love and understanding for what you feel

luvz u stinkers

[ashenflowers 5]

I don't think I can add much of anything to what has been said, only to say that I do know what you're going through right now, but sort of in a different sense. My brother, my only sibling, moved back to Cambodia 2 weeks ago with his family... which included my sister in law, my 2 and a 1/2 year old nephew, and 3 month old niece. My fiance doesn't have any siblings, so not only are my only siblings gone, but these kids are my only niece and nephew, and probably WILL be my only niece and nephew ever. I won't be able to see them for regular visits, due to the distance, and cost of traveling there, and the internet there isn't that great, and neither is the mail system. So, I really don't know how I will be able to contact them regularly, and fear that the kids won't even know who I am if I ever do get to visit. I didn't even have a chance to develop a bond with my niece, but my adorable nephew is amazing, and I can't believe I won't get to see him grow up now... It's extremely heartbreaking... I know that with my own plans to move that I wouldn't have been able to see them much anyways, but from Canada to California is a lot different than from Canada (or California) to Cambodia! Say that five times fast...

So, I can only reiterate the encouragement to do whatever you can to make visits as often as possible, and stay in contact. Little care packages, or photo albums (or CDs and DVDs of photo slide shows and videos in the mail!), and the webcam thing will do wonders between visits. Good luck, and I hope you know when you do have children that no matter where you live, or where your family is, they will always be available to love and support you and your husband and children.

[SonoranSongbird 3]

Hi, Laura. I've not read the entire thread, just the OP. Anyway, I did not grow up in the same city as any of my extended family. My cousins, aunts, uncles, and grandparents all lived in Philadelphia and I grew up in upstate NY, so about a day's drive or one-hour plane ride (then my grandparents moved to Florida, which was further). We saw them regularly, just not daily. I'm not all that close to any of my cousins, but that is mostly due to the age difference. My mom's sister's kids are 10 years older than me and my sister, my dad's brother's oldest daughter is 10 years younger than me, and the youngest is I think 15 years younger. Actually now that my younger cousins are grown women and the age difference matters less, I am getting to know them better. But I was VERY close to my grandparents and am close to my sister and aunt and uncle. I did not feel deprived by not living in the same town as my extended family. Visiting relatives was just a fun part of growing up.

[Ban Hammer 13,332]

[TracyTN 237]

For what it's worth, I do feel a good amount of guilt about the fact that if we have a child, he/she probably will not know its UK family very well - mainly because his mom is elderly and not prone to travel here much, AND his sister owns a pub and thinks it is the most important thing in the world. SIGH.

Even though we would be happy to travel there, thus far in our marriage, we've only been able to scrape up enough $$ for my hubby to go back (and/or have his mom pay for a ticket) - so I don't see us being able to buy 3 tickets over all the time either. Nor would I really want to travel on a trans-Atlantic journey with a baby or toddler more than once or twice...!

So I feel ya. I think these are just one of the downsides of relationships like ours - not that we would trade the relationship for anything...it just is probably the biggest downside to the whole thing. I think your family will find a way to be involved - can almost guarantee it! But my in-laws - not so much.

[Malrothien 6]

I can completely understand what you're going through. It is how I have felt since I moved up to Canada. I'm 4.5k miles away from all of my family (save my aunt, who is in Seattle). It has been a very rough go. So many things have happened in Florida that I haven't been around to experience, and it's been bad for me mentally.

[Miranda&John 0]

Hi Laura,

I'd just like to say that I think it is incredibly responsible of you to realize when it's not the right time for you to have another baby. I think a lot of women see other women having babies and decide to get pregnant without much thought to how it will affect their future.

My best friend had a baby a couple of months ago (and had a tough time of it - 1 round of IVF & a C-section) but it got me feeling like I really wanted to have a baby *NOW*. I already have a 11 year old daughter (and my husband-to-be has an 11 year old daughter and 13 year old son) so besides the fact that he's had a vasectomy, it wouldn't even be right for us to have another child when we already have 3 (that will be going to college at the same time). My advice is to try and relax and realize that you have lots of time... you'll be able to enjoy the experience much more when you are in a better financial situation.

Take care,

~Miranda

[minnew 4]

Hi, Laura. I've not read the entire thread, just the OP. Anyway, I did not grow up in the same city as any of my extended family. My cousins, aunts, uncles, and grandparents all lived in Philadelphia and I grew up in upstate NY, so about a day's drive or one-hour plane ride (then my grandparents moved to Florida, which was further). We saw them regularly, just not daily. I'm not all that close to any of my cousins, but that is mostly due to the age difference. My mom's sister's kids are 10 years older than me and my sister, my dad's brother's oldest daughter is 10 years younger than me, and the youngest is I think 15 years younger. Actually now that my younger cousins are grown women and the age difference matters less, I am getting to know them better. But I was VERY close to my grandparents and am close to my sister and aunt and uncle. I did not feel deprived by not living in the same town as my extended family. Visiting relatives was just a fun part of growing up.

I can completely relate to not being close with any of my extended family, none of my extended family lived in the same city as my parents and I. I saw my grandmother about once a month, she was quite old by the time I was a teenager so she was not into the fun stuff with the grandchildren, as her health was deteriorating, and we were not close emotionally either, doesn't mean I don't miss her and still love her. Not having my mom and dad around for my kids though has definitely been on my mind as well as I move closer to the big move date. Its also a concern for my fiance who is military, we will both be away from family and it will be tough for sure, but like others have said there is ways around it, visits, webcams, phone calls, anything to stay in touch with family far away. I knew all of this before getting myself into the whole immigration process and thought it would be a piece of cake to deal with, but as the time gets closer I realize its not going to be as easy as I thought it would be. There is a possibility of moving closer to his family once he retires from the military, but then its going to be farther away from mine, either way we will make it work.

[BermyCat 1]

(((Laura)))

I can give you a grandchild's perspective if that helps at all. My mom immigrated to Bermuda from Nova Scotia to be with my Dad so I grow up pretty far away from her side of the family. Despite that, I feel like I knew my grandparents and my aunts and uncles pretty well. We sent letters and pictures. We spoke on the phone. My parents vacationed in Nova Scotia once a year. Even my Dad's mom (Nana) came along most of the time since the two families really got along. My parents made sure that my brother and I felt like we were part of both families. I'm sure you and Nick will be able to do the same for your kids.

The things we gave up to be with our loved ones really suck. I feel guilty talking to Phil and his folks about them sometimes too. Thank goodness for VJ and all the people here that can understand what we're going through.

~ Catherine

[Autumnchik 6]

Aww Laura .... much love to you.

I can relate to wanting a child. Initially, my husband and I planned on trying to get pregnant again when Declan was 1 year old. However, hubby being out of work for a year has put that plan on hold. I feel some pressure to have another baby fairly soon, mostly because my hubby, who just turned 46, would like another child before he gets much older. I am 34 and not feeling as much pressure biologically (although I would like to have another child). I know there is never a "perfect" time to have a baby, but I do think it is wise to wait if it is not financially a good idea. Things WILL improve and your time for that will come.

And as a newish mom to a Can-US bambino, I do feel bad that we live so far from my husband's family. My husband did take Declan to visit his parents when he was 8 months old. Although I was a nervous wreck at first (just them traveling), it turned out to be a wonderful experience and I hope one we can continue yearly (I would love to go, but if not, I want hubs and Declan to visit). We also show Declan photos of his relatives and let him "talk" on the phone to them (which basically consists of him yelling nonsense in the phone and then laughing maniacally). It is not ideal, but it works. So many adults live far away from their family of origin, whether in different countries or in the same one, just states or provinces apart. Currently, I live about 5 hours from my family, which is actually the closest I have lived to them since I was 17. It would be nice to be closer, but we make do and visit when we can.

You are not alone and vent here anytime

[Krikit 1,164]

Group hug!

[Carlawarla 1]

Group hug!

Awww that's cute! Don't know where you got that though, but it's cute!

[KitEEgirl 0]

Hello Laura,

I completely understand you wanting to have a baby.........

I say on a daily basis... "I want a baby".. and our situation is 100% completely different. I am the female and USC. I work full-time and make 100% of our income. My husband is attending school full-time (of course a joint decision for us)....in addition to this... we live 600 miles away from my family so our kids really won't know either sides of our family... If I allow myself to get pregnant right now, it would make things very difficult...not impossible, just difficult.. plus when I have a baby, I want the ability to potentially stayed home with him/her for 3-6 months....

You know, I see my girlfriends having babies and it always makes it worse...but at the end of the day...right now just doesn't make sense. I try and remember...everything happens for a reason, and at the right time, I will have my baby...and so will you!

[BH45 0]

((((( Laura )))))

I was on my way back from taking my daughter home when you posted this. From a mother's perspective, being apart from family and, for me, my daughter is a real pain. There isn't a day that passes that I don't wonder if I made the right decision. As you said, it's tough talking to your spouse about it without making them feel bad too. Most days I just muddle through and come to the realization that things would not be as they are if it wasn't part of God's plan for my life, Kelsie's life and Larry's life. Daily talks with her and using skype to chat help. I know I'll miss important dates in her life and that saddens me - like January when she'll turn 16. Hopefully by then I'll be working and can maybe fly up and surprise her seeing as we'll have just returned home from our Christmas holiday.

When the time is right, you and Nick will know. Everything has it's time and season and has been planned out for ages. Just know that you are never alone in being "alone".

[beinha 0]

Awe Laura, you made me cry! Our plan is to get married in January, 2010 and start the baby project in 2011!

Let me tell you a story from a friend of mine: She lives here in Brazil and her brother lives in San Diego for 25 years. Her niece is 19 and her nephew is 26 and he is married and have a little baby girl. She is from a big family and when her brother moved there, just imagine.. no internet like today, no skype phones... Her mom went to San Diego just 6 times because she is around 85 years old now and also the tickets from Brazil cost around U$1,800.00 - U$2,200.00. The kids (now adults) came to visit and spend their vacations every single year and they think they are so Brazilians! It's very funny cause they are very American on so many ways, but they are very attached on their Brazilian family.

From several years now, skype video, skype phone number, and all those internet stuffs, really helps on every day contact, plus, our family would not be there for us on daily basics but I'm sure we will always be in their hearts and prayers. At the end, we can't have everything, our choices are hard but they make us stronger, happier in so many ways, sad in other ways but they are part of our life. Probably we'll learn how to deal with those feelings, I hope so.

Wish you all the best, and try to avoid negative thoughts on it. I'm sure your family will be very supportive and do their best to be with you always.

Beinha