Having a tough time...

[~Laura and Nick~ 5]

Hey guys...

I need to vent cause really...there is no one I can talk to about this.

I'm loving my life in New Jersey, even though I miss home I have an amazing career and Nick and I are very very happy.

I just feel like....I'm stuck. Nick sister just had a baby and I'm an aunt. He is so beautiful and when I was holding him I realized how much I want a child. It's not the time because Nick still isn't working but that doesn't turn off the "baby button" in me.

Today I got to thinking about when I do have children. At the hospital when we went to visit our new nephew, Nick's sister was surrounded by both families, hers and her husbands and I realize that I won't have that really.

I'll be raising my child without my mom there, without my grandparents or aunts or my brother to be there. They won't see my child regularly...they won't know them like I knew my Grandparents and I'm crying very hard right now because I'm heartbroken over this thought. This is so difficult.

If we were to move to Canada, Nick's family would be in the same boat. I don't know what to think and I feel like....I have two separate lives. My life here and one that's waiting for me to return back in Canada.

I miss my family. I miss everything so much it hurts and I feel so torn. It's hard to talk to Nick about these things because he gets very upset. He feels guilty and I don't want to make him feel that way.

I need some comfort and I don't have anyone around me. All of my friends are back in Canada....all my friends here are Nick's, they aren't really mine.

I'm sorry for going on....I just feel very alone right now.

[HappyDancer 7]

Hi Laura! I am in the eaxct same boat right now. I feel awful because I can't fully tell my husband about it and if I attempt to, I break down. I have an 8 year old daughter but it feels like all of a sudden I want us to have another one - SOON! It's crazy but I do want to be a mother again and would love to share that feeling with my husband. But right now, we do not even have enough financially...

Sucks... I truly understand.

[~Laura and Nick~ 5]

Hi Laura! I am in the eaxct same boat right now. I feel awful because I can't fully tell my husband about it and if I attempt to, I break down. I have an 8 year old daughter but it feels like all of a sudden I want us to have another one - SOON! It's crazy but I do want to be a mother again and would love to share that feeling with my husband. But right now, we do not even have enough financially...

Sucks... I truly understand.

Thanks...

I'm sorry you are going through a similar situation.

My husbands knows I want a baby and he wants one too, it's just not the right time.

I just feel like....I almost shouldn't have a baby because of how my family would feel, I know my Mom would be heartbroken, she's even expressed to me that she wouldn't really know her Grandchild....that hurts me.

I wish both our families could be close...I wish so many things...but that's just not how things are.....I don't know how to stop feeling this way.

[JillA 2]

Hi Laura! I am in the eaxct same boat right now. I feel awful because I can't fully tell my husband about it and if I attempt to, I break down. I have an 8 year old daughter but it feels like all of a sudden I want us to have another one - SOON! It's crazy but I do want to be a mother again and would love to share that feeling with my husband. But right now, we do not even have enough financially...

Sucks... I truly understand.

Thanks...

I'm sorry you are going through a similar situation.

My husbands knows I want a baby and he wants one too, it's just not the right time.

I just feel like....I almost shouldn't have a baby because of how my family would feel, I know my Mom would be heartbroken, she's even expressed to me that she wouldn't really know her Grandchild....that hurts me.

I wish both our families could be close...I wish so many things...but that's just not how things are.....I don't know how to stop feeling this way.

I feel the same way alot of the time.... last weekend my Mom was in Philly visiting me and we went to my in-laws for dinner. They get along so well and said to her, we wish you lived in the same town! We would have such fun together! It really sucks to only have visits with eachother and not live in the same country.

I've often thought of how difficult it will be when we have children.... only being able to have visits now and again. But I look on the bright side which is we're only an 8 hour drive or so from our parents, which isn't too bad. We can make lots of summer trips with the kids when we have them, and lots of other people live alot farther and can only have 1 trip or so a year to visit their families. And hopefully when the kids are older they can spend summers in Canada. I guess I just try not to dwell on it and look on the bright side, because there is NO alternative. If my husband and I move to Canada, like you said his family will go through the same thing. So it's a no-win situation, unfortunately

Many of us know how you're feeling, Laura

Edited August 24, 2009 by JillA

[Danu 19]

I've started thinking about this as well, it will be hard to only see them once a year. However with webcams the little ones can talk to them once a week if they want, so they can still be really involved in the kids lives even if they arent immediately there. I know its a small consolation, but for me it helped a little.

[JillA 2]

The other difficult thing for me to accept is when my sister has kids.... and my girlfriends.... I won't be here for the birth and all those special moments.

[Krikit 1,164]

Awww, sweetie. (((((((((((((Laura)))))))))))))))

I completely understand where you're coming from. Just know that this terrible feeling won't be as pronounced in a day or two and you'll be able to look at it logically without the rush of emotions.

I was living in another province when I had my first child..... about 1,500 km's away from my family and friends. It was sad that my Mum wasn't there to be with me but the elation of childbirth more than made up for it. She came to visit a month later and she was a Godsend! I didn't have a clue, and she helped me out a lot. I'm saying this to let you know that I know what it's like. You adapt and you learn to live with it, and you treasure the visits even more.

No one knows what the future holds in store. You may end up back in Ontario and these concerns will no longer be a part of your life. Your Mum may decide to come and live with you every six months, or you may decide to sponsor her to come and live here permanently.

"Worry is interest paid on trouble before it is due."

-- William Ralph Inge

It's not productive to focus on the negative. Unless you're going to drink some wine and sing sad songs.

Things have a way of working out for the best. Hang in there, Laura. Better days ahead.

And, for the record, if we all waited for the right time to have a baby.... there wouldn't be very many of them.

[trailmix 77]

And, for the record, if we all waited for the right time to have a baby.... there wouldn't be very many of them.

SO true krikit! I can't really add anything to what has been said but I am sorry you are sad Laura, I completely understand.

Edited August 24, 2009 by trailmix

[Tim and Erin 3]

I've started thinking about this as well, it will be hard to only see them once a year. However with webcams the little ones can talk to them once a week if they want, so they can still be really involved in the kids lives even if they arent immediately there. I know its a small consolation, but for me it helped a little.

I was thinking the exact same thing as Danu when I read your post, Laura. So many people use computers and webcams these days to keep in touch with their loved ones. Just the other day a couple and their 1 year old son came into the restaurant where I work. When I was talking to them I learned that the father had just returned from 8 months in Afghanistan. While he was away they all kept in touch online with webcams...showing baby "there's daddy" etc. and having daddy talk to baby so he could hear his voice. Turns out that the baby didn't make strange with daddy at all when he got home!

I think your emotions are just running high right now because Nick's sister had a baby. Your time will come, and you will deal with things as they are handed to you. So keep your chin up. There are alot of people here who know just what you're going through.

[Hugglebuggles 60]

Awww Laura, I can only imagine. This is something I think about every now and then, but I try not to look that far ahead. I really want to have kids myself, preferably not for a couple years, but time goes by so fast. My mom brings this up as well, she always says how upsetting it is that she won't be able to be involved with helping me raise my kids and that they won't know her very well. Its so easy to have a negative view on things, and I always have to remind her of all the alternatives. She can come visit, I will go visit, she can watch the kids when we go on vacations, spend time with them during the holidays... and most importantly, they can be the awesome grandparents that show up every couple months with awesome gifts and candy! Those relatives were always my favorite growing up

With a little determination and a lot of love you'll make it work out.

[MrsCat 6]

(((((((Laura)))))))

[~Laura and Nick~ 5]

I want to thank each and every one of you for your replies.

I truly appreciate the support and understanding.

I know it will get easier over time...and Krikit, you are totally right....who knows where we will be when we have a baby....and your comment made me laugh about having a lot less people in the world....thanks for that.

It's comforting to know that I'm not actually alone in my feelings, that all over this country, we have each other...we are going through this journey together.

I talked to my friend in Ontario on the phone earlier and she said that same as you all, webcams, frequent visits...and somehow, we'll make it work. This is my life and I have to life it, I can't feel guilty.

Thank you again, you have no idea how appreciative I am at this moment for all of you.

[~Laura and Nick~ 5]

The other difficult thing for me to accept is when my sister has kids.... and my girlfriends.... I won't be here for the birth and all those special moments.

((((((Jill))))))

[Danu 19]

hey, what would the Canadian board be if we didn't all care and try to help? *hugs*

[Carlawarla 1]

Aww Laura, it's rough feeling so alone. I totally understand and I've been there. I moved from home as a young adult, and moved 2000 miles away. A year later, I had my first child. Three years later, my second. I had no family where we lived. My Mom came after the birth of my first, and my MIL for the birth of my second child and that really helped. We didn't have a computer then, (did anyone??) but we made frequent visits and had frequent visitors. My kids are now 26 and 23, and they DID get to know their aunts, uncles, grandparents etc. just by visiting as often as we did, cards, letters, and the phone. We were a family, and while it's "different" not being just a minute or two away from your parents, friends and extended family, you do have a new "family" wherever you are. Your husband, friends you've made there...and will continue to make there.

I agree with Krikit, you're overjoyed when you have children, and you make the best of things when you have them. You'll have lots of visits back home, and lots of visitors during the year by others, so you will be close to them, you'll see.

You're thinking a lot about this right now because of Nick's sister having her baby. Enjoy your new role of Aunt, and know that when it's your time, you'll be more settled where you are and have lots of support and love.

Hugs