Is this too much to ask?

[Marilyn. 340]

I am sure I am late in replying, but I wanted to add - everyone says "This is not Christian"

Actually from my point of view it is EXACTLY Christian. Most religiousees I have met are very much like this and are not good people when it comes to this sort of thing. Sorry if I am coming in late.

actually it is not.. I know a lot of Christians, including my parents and they are nothing like this...

[Carlawarla 1]

She decided to "shelf" the conversation until we heard more about my interview. I came up with a semi-compromise. I told her that her and her husband have to stay at least an extra day after my mom leaves if they want alone time with us. That way no one's excluded and no one's avoiding someone.

I forgot to ask her if we could do a name exchange instead of everyone buying everybody something because we won't have much money. I don't think that will go over well since she wants a small Christmas but still wants to do stockings AND gifts...

I told Varba to deal with it, I still don't want to have to.

That's very commendable to compromise. I'd advocate for that as well, if I hadn't heard everything else beforehand. I wouldn't compromise with this lady, nor her mother under any circumstances. They're bullies quite frankly. The sister sounds like a control freak.

Varba has years of experience dealing with these types of things I suppose. I feel for him, but this really needs to be nipped in the bud right now, given the two of you are now a couple, and your family is also his family now.

All the best in a resolution that's to your liking and that totally involves your Mom. Please let us know how you fare.

[LiLMermaid 2]

I'll add my two cents worth as well - someone very wise told me a long time ago - when conflicts arise, you handle YOUR family and let him handle HIS family. Of course, I never took that advice, but I wish that I had. It would have saved me tons of heartache and hurt feelings.

If it were me, I'd tell him how it makes you feel, tell him you don't want him to be in the middle of this but his family has put him there so he will need to address it.

Both of you need to agree, either he goes and you stay with your mom, all of you go, including your mom, or none of you go and the three of you spend Christmas together, or everyone comes to you (your house, your rules!).

If you start pretending now, if you start making excuses now, this will grow into something unmanageable, very fast. Boundaries need to be established and maintained.

Good luck to you on this, I hope you get it worked out and everyone is happy. Maybe this is all a misunderstanding and miscommunication between all parties and it's not exactly what it appears.

Very good advice missy. What are you doing wandering on the Canada forum?

Having been married before I totally agree on missy with this one. He needs to handle this and it needs to be handled now. I ended up spending every Christmas and holiday with my husbands family because I just did it the first year and then after that his family and him just 'expected it'. My ex actually told me one year that if I wanted to go visit my family to 'go ahead' but he was spending Christmas with his family and that was that. Things like this need to be addressed early in the relationship as to not cause hard feelings in the future. In my case though it was my ex was an idiot...his mother was more reasonable.

[Lona.C. 16]

WOW this is so sad , do tthose people know how it actualy feels to loos a parent ?

I lost my mom when i was 17 ( am 42 now )never thought I could love another woman like I did her

till I met Tonys Mom they accepted me into theyr family from day one with open arms ,

now its like loosing a mom all over again she passt on cancer just before christmas last year ,

I know this has nothing to do with this post but all I can say is your inlaws have to grow da F%$# up and learn life is way to short to be arongant and ignorant S.O.B

this is your MOM the lady who raised you to be the woman who your fiance wants to marry so they should respect her to have raised a great girl ,

and be happy your fiance was able to have found the woman of his dreams thanks to your MOM

I hope things work out for you good luck

[Varba 0]

Thanks everyone for your support, as we deal with, and vent here about this retardedness.

Just a couple things I wanted to mention about some of the posts.

1) Rest assured, I am _not_ leaving Peachey alone to deal with this insanity. Just for some reason I can not make my sister see the light. My mom seems to have the attitude of "whatever your sister wants I want, because I don't get to see your sister often." I have argued with my sister at least once a month since politely asking if Peachey's MIL could attend in May.

I spent over an hour talking with my mom directly and frankly about it, even telling her that I found her actions rude. I can not seem to get my point across.

Both of them say they completely understand where I are coming from, but will not back down. Out of frustration, I asked them why. Simplified, this was their response.

Mom: It's a private event, and keeping it that way is important to your sister. I would never expect to be invited to anyone else's Christmas.

Sis: I haven't gotten to see my family for a whole year, I want time just with "us". I don't think it's fair we're planning Christmas around your MIL.

During my conversations with my sister, it has become obvious that she has painted her own little happy world where, I'm the bad guy. She has convinced herself that I:

a) Imposed myself upon them inviting Peachey's MIL without asking them (which is untrue, I have IM logs from the first time I asked her).

B) That I will not compromise. (which is true, my sister's "compromise" has no compromise for us, only her)

c) Am being rude by not allowing her to buy plane tickets up, by withholding my "choice" of a date for Christmas. (What she means by this is, she assumes I will go with her compromise of moving Christmas to a new date, and therefor by me not accepting, she can't book her flights - as I won't tell her when she can come up for Christmas with us.)

Just please don't think I'm leaving Peachey out there all alone to deal with my family on this. I have tried so many times I lose track.

2) I have a very open relationship with Peachey. I told her from the beginning I will truthfully answer any question she asks me, and I have stuck to this. I have lied, everyone has. But when I do, I tell her. Yeah, that one night I had a burger when I said it was a salad.... =(

So please don't continue along the path of "it's just what your future husband says".

3) I'm to the point where I'm pissed off enough at my family to just not go to Christmas at all. In fact I was going to tell them that before Peachey talked to my sister directly about it.

My sister for some reason, seems more receptive to listening to Peachey than to myself. I think it's because she might realize (when she's talking with Peachey directly) that what she's asking/demanding is quite RUDE.

4) Precedents. One thing my sister harps on is she only wants Christmas to be "only us" (aka: no MIL) this "one time". I called her on it and said "ok, so if she's down another year she'd be invited?" Answer "Well, we'd have to talk about it that year." I then said "So essentially, this is going to be a giant fight every time she might be possibly invited unless we work out whatever problem you have with her coming." My sister then changed the topic.

I will not allow this to be a precedent. I'm fully aware that if it becomes one, Peachey's MIL will never be invited ever again.

Edited September 3, 2009 by Varba

[JillA 2]

"It's a private event" That doesn't make sense, as Peachy is family now which means her family is your family, etc. It's not like you're inviting strangers off the street! And isn't Christmas about family, and being together?

I can't believe the stubborness, it's so mean!

Anyway, at least you're sticking by your fiance's side!!

[Peachey 10]

I love Varba so much. Thank god for him, he's the only sain one in his family.

[Peachey 10]

Oh and just to clarify something Varba said. I'm the only member of the "family" that she hasn't seen in a year. She sees her parents all the time and has seen Varba a few times this year.

[BermyCat 1]

I'd be at the point now where I'd decline their Christmas invitation and ask them my house or a restaurant instead. That draws a clear line and allows them to spend Christmas with you if they choose to.

I hope poor Peachey's Mom doesn't know about all this. She'd probably feel quite uncomfortable spend time with Varba's family if she did.

Good luck and I hope you have a positive outcome.

~ Catherine

Edited September 3, 2009 by BermyCat

[Arabella 4]

I am sure I am late in replying, but I wanted to add - everyone says "This is not Christian"

Actually from my point of view it is EXACTLY Christian. Most religiousees I have met are very much like this and are not good people when it comes to this sort of thing. Sorry if I am coming in late.

actually it is not.. I know a lot of Christians, including my parents and they are nothing like this...

/agreed. My dad is a minister and my whole family is super-religious and none of them act like this. They are all really loving and accepting.

[Nik+Heather 121]

Firstly, Peachy, Varba, what a mess!!! I'm sorry for you! I also hope that you haven't been giving the play by play to Peachy's mother...if this all gets settled, how unwelcome she would feel, not just at this "christmas" but at anything else! Please don't tell her all the dirty details, she just doesn't need to know!

My sister had somewhat similar reactions (at first). She is also out of state, and also sometimes felt as though Nik's visits (or my visits to the UK) dug into her home from school family time. Actually, they did, since I had similar time off (Thanksgiving, Christmas/New Years), so that's when it was convenient for Nik and I to visit each other.

It's a frustrating change for Varba's sister, new people, changes to her perfect picture of things. That warrants patience and understanding, but certainly doesn't give her a free pass to be so rude to Peachy's mother.

I tried to make it up to my sister by helping to plan things so that she could have more exclusive times with me Example: she had a week longer off of school than I had off of work, so when I got back from the UK after New Year's, I spent the whole week with her and shifted my work around, whereas I wasn't always able to do that before.

I've asked her to give some of her thoughts about how she came to be so reasonable after her initial upset on the subject. It could be Varba's sister just needs time to absorb the idea.

I like the compromise of V's sister shifting her time when she's there so that there will be time after Peachy's mother leaves - so that there isn't such competition for time and activities, but while Peachy's mother is in town, she should be included completely.

[thetreble 19]

You know, it's funny....the first time my brother left home he was 16 (to go play in the OHL in Sudbury) and I was 11. I got the first taste of family being at a distance very young. After years of both my brothers leaving every year to play hockey in a different place (my little brother is now in Germany playing, last year he was in NY, the year before that SC, etc) we have learned ways to be together in spirit, and in heart, without being physically together. When we get to see each other, it's wonderful, and often times my husband is there AND there have been times where when I lived with my in laws, my brother would drive up and stay with me in my in laws house.

It's not about x-number of visits a year....

What concerns me most about this conversation, Varba and Peachy, is that there has been so much time spent on something so futile. I truly feel bad for both of you as life is so much more than who should and should not come to Christmas. This concept that the door is closed to people not in the immediate family is silly, and even more so is the excuse that because siblings don't see each other often that their visits together should be very exclusive.

Also, the idea of competition for time is so over the top. It seems incredibly childish to me. Time is so important to all of us, as we often realize how fast it goes and how little of it we actually have. However, life shouldn't be spent dividing up out time equally, especially between siblings, wives, husbands, etc. It's all just way too complicated.

[Peachey 10]

Apparently my semi-compromised was approved by all, but last I heard Varba's sister had to think about it. Varba went out to dinner with his parents tonight and that's what they said.

The problem is, I don't know when my mom would be leaving if it were the Sunday or Monday. If it's the Monday, I think sis would have a problem with it.

I guess I'll ask my mom when she gets home tomorrow.

Edited September 3, 2009 by Peachey

[Carlawarla 1]

You know, it's funny....the first time my brother left home he was 16 (to go play in the OHL in Sudbury) and I was 11. I got the first taste of family being at a distance very young. After years of both my brothers leaving every year to play hockey in a different place (my little brother is now in Germany playing, last year he was in NY, the year before that SC, etc) we have learned ways to be together in spirit, and in heart, without being physically together. When we get to see each other, it's wonderful, and often times my husband is there AND there have been times where when I lived with my in laws, my brother would drive up and stay with me in my in laws house.

It's not about x-number of visits a year....

What concerns me most about this conversation, Varba and Peachy, is that there has been so much time spent on something so futile. I truly feel bad for both of you as life is so much more than who should and should not come to Christmas. This concept that the door is closed to people not in the immediate family is silly, and even more so is the excuse that because siblings don't see each other often that their visits together should be very exclusive.

Also, the idea of competition for time is so over the top. It seems incredibly childish to me. Time is so important to all of us, as we often realize how fast it goes and how little of it we actually have. However, life shouldn't be spent dividing up out time equally, especially between siblings, wives, husbands, etc. It's all just way too complicated.

I agree with Amanda...this is way too complicated. Your SIL is making it complicated, and it shouldn't be. You shouldn't now have to be worrying about when you're mother is leaving now and if his sister will be mad all over again now that's she's accepted (after she thinks about it) the compromise.

I'm exhausted just reading about this! I'm sure it must be emotionally exhausting to you as well Peachy.

Sounds like Varba is beating his head against the wall. He sounds however like a peacemaker as well, so I truly don't think either of you are going to be happy with whatever is decided. But you'll live with it, because you both probably don't want to make waves, and his sister will be happy, and his Mom will be happy, and your Mom will never know what's really going on, and you'll swallow what your feeling....ugh, what a sorry mess. I'm sorry for both of you. It makes me sick just thinking about it.

[Varba 0]

It's all just way too complicated.

This thread in a nutshell.

Maybe I'll spike the punch and a merry Christmas will be had by all. (Until after when the wrath of my teetotaler mother destroys the world.)