Is this too much to ask?

[BermyCat 1]

This is obviously eating at you two. Talking with the pastor might not be a bad idea. Part of his/her job is counseling members of their congregation. I'm sure that they'd be willing to give suggestions and advice. You don't even have to let your in-laws know if you don't want to.

~ Catherine

[JillA 2]

Wow this boggles the mind... can't say much that others haven't said, just that I'm happy your fiance has your back! My Mum was down this past Christmas as I had no AP yet, and she was welcomed with open arms to my in-laws celebration. If they had said she wasn't welcome to Christmas dinner, I would have been shocked/horrified/hurt beyond belief, and lost utter respect for them. And I certainly would NOT have attended without her! I hope it works out for the best

[trailmix 77]

So peachy's soon to be husband is misunderstanding his own Mother and Sister? He actually posted in this thread btw.

I personally don't think that it is her responsibility to try and fix this - whether they hold it against her forever or not. She is the 'victim' here (for lack of a better word).

I understand that, but it's still possibe to be the bigger person and the "victim" all at the same time. My advise to her wasn't to try and fix it but just to realize how fighting this battle is going to affect her entire future relationship with her in-laws.

I never said he was misunderstanding them, how am I to know these things? I think however that if she talked to her MIL and explained why it's important to her that her mother be there that her MIL might change her tune. It's easy to be flippant when your not faced with actually having to deal with the person you're being flippant and/or rude too.

You could be right - I see things from my point of view in general, I certainly would have no problem telling them exactly what I think - calmly and politely - but with no one left guessing what I mean.

I do understand what you were saying now in terms of fighting vs fixing it and I tend to agree, I wouldn't bother fighting about it either.

[Peachey 10]

OMG SIL is taking this up with me right now on IM, while I'm at work.

I've kindly explained to her that I would be sad if I left my mom at home, and that she's the only person to offer to help us move in any kind of way and I won't get to see her till may after I move... maybe she'll get it now.

I just don't know why I have to deal with this...

[JillA 2]

OMG SIL is taking this up with me right now on IM, while I'm at work.

I've kindly explained to her that I would be sad if I left my mom at home, and that she's the only person to offer to help us move in any kind of way and I won't get to see her till may after I move... maybe she'll get it now.

I just don't know why I have to deal with this...

I hope they become more understanding to you.... that is really selfish of them, sorry to say.

[trailmix 77]

OMG SIL is taking this up with me right now on IM, while I'm at work.

I've kindly explained to her that I would be sad if I left my mom at home, and that she's the only person to offer to help us move in any kind of way and I won't get to see her till may after I move... maybe she'll get it now.

I just don't know why I have to deal with this...

You know - it's one thing that they came up with an idiotic idea and presented it to you and your SO. You told them no - not working for us.

That should be the end of the discussion - unless they wanted to apologize and invite your Mother. So now they have not only shown no respect for her, they also (or at least the SIL) is showing you and your SO no respect.

Try to remember that it is their problem - not yours.

[Holliday 4]

OMG SIL is taking this up with me right now on IM, while I'm at work.

I've kindly explained to her that I would be sad if I left my mom at home, and that she's the only person to offer to help us move in any kind of way and I won't get to see her till may after I move... maybe she'll get it now.

I just don't know why I have to deal with this...

Aww Peachey, this whole situation sounds infuriating! Heck, I'm upset just reading about it! I don't have any advice that hasn't already been given here, but I just wanted to say that I'm sorry you have to deal with this nonsense. Like life isn't already hard enough right now for you with worrying about immigration and moving and whatever else goes on in your daily life. Yeesh! That stuff is enough of an emotional drain as it is (at least it sure has been for me!), and I think it totally sucks that you're having crazy drama thrown at you too.

I don't understand how anyone can think this way! I mean, even if there was no moving involved and your Mom lived next door to you and you saw her every day or something, their attitude would still be totally unacceptable in my eyes. And so it's way worse considering the actual circumstances.

Good luck with everything!

[Y's_habibitk 2]

im glad to see the SIL is trying to open communication with the whole thing at least

I hope the convo had a good outcome.

Good Luck

Edited September 1, 2009 by Y's_habibitk

[bogartnoir 0]

eff this ess! i'd put my damn foot down and say guess what? this is the woman that gave birth to me and has supported me my entire life. we are all going to be family soon, so just deal with it. unless you want awkwardness and problems for the rest of your life- i'd get it together, lady.

ask her if her intention is to make things hard for her son. because that is exactly what she's doing.

if she persists- i'd stay far away from them for christmas and have a grand old time with your fiancee, mom and sister.

some people refuse to get things through their thick skulls and insist on being selfish. these people do not deserve to be negotiated with.

[john & jean 37]

I am excluded from my adult son, and my grandchildren, in much the same way. The depth of the pain, is only as deep as YOU will allow!

EVERYONE HAS A JUDGMENT DAY, THEY TOO, WILL HAVE THEIRS....

Try to do what is right, that is all you can do!!!

[TracyTN 237]

If that is a 'Christian' attitude, then I hope never to be one.

Screw them. Your hubby to be and your mom are your family - maybe the 3 of you should have your own 'gift giving' celebration that THEY are not invited to.

[NycBra 4]

Hello there. My family's husband is also VERY religious. But they embrace the true meaning of being christian and treat me like a daughter and consider my family part of their family (they all flew to Brazil for our wedding, and they have invited my parents to visit them).

I totally understand about how conservative families like to plan a lot in advance and everything. Sometimes it drives me crazy. But I always try to explain the situation, that my culture is different, and express my point of view without offending them.

Well, they never did anything like your future in-laws are doing. I think the alternatives you should consider are:

- ask Varba to tell her that your mom will spent Jan1 with you, and since you are now a couple he wants to spend with you also. Tell him to explain to them he wants to fully embrace you in the family and therefore it would be a great opportunity if your mom comes for dinner, that she doesn't expect gifts, that she will bring something (I don't know, maybe bring a salad, or something else for dinner).

- if he doesn't want to tell them, you should talk to them. I think it is important, it is crucial, that you let them know who you are and your point of view and culture from the beginning. Otherwise, this incident will become a precedent.

- in the worst case, you and your future husband should tell his family that you would like to have both family together for the Christmas. If MIL and SIL don't feel comfortable having your mom at their house, you all should go to a restaurant (I imagine your house won't be ready by then).

Anyway, in short, I think you should have your mom and your fiance with you during festivities. If his family can't accept it, you should not feel obligated to follow their rules, they should respect your culture and your family as well. At the end, having families together for Christmas is all about Christianity. Maybe you should remind them what really happened during Christmas and why we all gather to celebrate it :-)

[Krikit 1,163]

OMG SIL is taking this up with me right now on IM, while I'm at work.

I've kindly explained to her that I would be sad if I left my mom at home, and that she's the only person to offer to help us move in any kind of way and I won't get to see her till may after I move... maybe she'll get it now.

I just don't know why I have to deal with this...

How did it turn out, Peachey?

[Peachey 10]

She decided to "shelf" the conversation until we heard more about my interview. I came up with a semi-compromise. I told her that her and her husband have to stay at least an extra day after my mom leaves if they want alone time with us. That way no one's excluded and no one's avoiding someone.

I forgot to ask her if we could do a name exchange instead of everyone buying everybody something because we won't have much money. I don't think that will go over well since she wants a small Christmas but still wants to do stockings AND gifts...

I told Varba to deal with it, I still don't want to have to.

[bradcanuck 1]

I am sure I am late in replying, but I wanted to add - everyone says "This is not Christian"

Actually from my point of view it is EXACTLY Christian. Most religiousees I have met are very much like this and are not good people when it comes to this sort of thing. Sorry if I am coming in late.