Is this too much to ask?

[thetreble 19]

I don't know, if she really resented me she wouldn't' chat with me everyday on AIM or have agreed to be in my wedding party. Although I am re-considering her being in the wedding at this point.

Ohh lovely, do not be fooled! Believe me, do not be fooled. I just got duped by someone I knew for 4 years. She chatted with me lots and lots once upon a time...

BTW, Varba saw your avatar the other day and his reaction was "OH! She helped us before, I like her!" hehe. But I'm sure he likes everyone here

Well I'm glad I helped you! We are always here for support. I know my mum and she would be so hurt if something like this happened. My parents mean the world to me and my in-laws have always welcomed my family to the fullest. I couldn't imagine what it would be like if they didn't.

[Sparky&Me 0]

What a horrible situation! I agree with what many others have said, their behavior is completely mind boggling, disgusting, and un-Christian. I would decline from attending even if they re-schedule, and I would tell them exactly why. Pointing out some of the things you’ve said on here, how she is family, she’s down here to see her daughter off to a new country; she’s the only one who offered to help you move, etc etc. I also wouldn’t hesitate to tell them how out of line and hurtful their behavior is. If you can make them understand why what they’re doing is upsetting maybe they’re re-think their ideas of what family holidays are supposed to be like. If they don’t……

My personal thoughts on family are that if they truly care about you they will be respectful. If they can’t do that, you shouldn’t suffer abuse from them just because you’re related. I don’t think we will be inviting my father to the “big” wedding because he hates America and can’t seem to keep his thoughts to himself. I’d rather get married without my father there, then have to listen to his little passive aggressive anti-American remarks. It’s sad, but it’s his loss; I don’t want that stress at my wedding. You shouldn’t have that sort of stress at family holidays either.

I hope things work out for you both.

[Jauque 1]

I can't even imagine people who would knowingly behave like that. Because of that I have to think there's been a miscommunication somewhere in the line. You say the only reason you know is because your fiance told you? Maybe you personally should speak to his Mom. I think that your soon-to-be SIL is just pulling the family line based on what her mother has said.

You don't want to stoop to their level and start thinking about how you can "get back at them" whether it be by ratting out their bad behavior to their pastor, trying to throw a wrench in their christmas plans or pulling his sister out of your wedding party. It would be fun and probablly make you feel justified for about a day but I think the buzz would seriously stop there.

Just like your mom has become a part of your new family, your new family is a part of yours... forever. Once you give them a reason to dislike you it's a done deal, you will be the parriah at every social event and this Christmas-issue will seem like a cakewalk.

[Hannah+Vito 0]

If my mum and sis did..... Ok wait one sis conceivably would but she is never allowed her own way . But anyhow If they put me in a situation like this I would be so mad. You are both right to stand up to them on this. I think this is really jellousy or maybe they are being selfish, but it doesn't make sence that they would invite a stranger but not future family. Perhaps one is feeding off the other and backing them up. if they are as religious as you say then perhaps the pastor is your golden ticket. A third party with distance from the situation might be able to make them see sence. You don't have to call and rat them out. But if varble also goes to the same church he is in his right to seek his advice on his own or just turn around and tell sis and mum this is a Christian celebration and I want to know his thoughts on this matter! Perhaps it will shock them into realizing their behaviour?

[trailmix 77]

I can't even imagine people who would knowingly behave like that. Because of that I have to think there's been a miscommunication somewhere in the line. You say the only reason you know is because your fiance told you? Maybe you personally should speak to his Mom. I think that your soon-to-be SIL is just pulling the family line based on what her mother has said.

You don't want to stoop to their level and start thinking about how you can "get back at them" whether it be by ratting out their bad behavior to their pastor, trying to throw a wrench in their christmas plans or pulling his sister out of your wedding party. It would be fun and probablly make you feel justified for about a day but I think the buzz would seriously stop there.

Just like your mom has become a part of your new family, your new family is a part of yours... forever. Once you give them a reason to dislike you it's a done deal, you will be the parriah at every social event and this Christmas-issue will seem like a cakewalk.

So peachy's soon to be husband is misunderstanding his own Mother and Sister? He actually posted in this thread btw.

I personally don't think that it is her responsibility to try and fix this - whether they hold it against her forever or not. She is the 'victim' here (for lack of a better word).

[Danu 19]

I agree....and disagree. My mom was the foreign wife here. Every year we went to Christmas and they expected her to help cook and clean while watching 2 little ones. Didn't ask, expected it. It got so bad she didn't want to go, so finally one Christmas she told them she'd had it and that she couldn't do it all and that she wasn't going to keep coming if this was all they expected . It needed to be done. They didn't understand how they were making her feel, like she was just the maid. After that there was never a problem though, she just had to stand up for herself.

While I can certainly see how delicate of a situation Peachy and Varba are in, they definately don't want to let the family walk all over her or there will be many awkward issues in years to come. I think its very selfish of your future MIL to think this way, I just can't fathom it. One thing you might say to them is that as she is here this year and not able to attend the festivities that you have decided she gets the first Christmas of you guys together and that you will not be able to go to theirs. The one thing they have to get into their minds as well is that you may not be there for every holiday, that you may travel back to spend it with your own family. I definately recommend reminding them too that they will get to see you a lot more often than your family will and that you feel it would be rude on your part to brush your mother aside after she spent all that time helping you move.

I really hope they come around for you guys! *hugs*

[Jauque 1]

So peachy's soon to be husband is misunderstanding his own Mother and Sister? He actually posted in this thread btw.

I personally don't think that it is her responsibility to try and fix this - whether they hold it against her forever or not. She is the 'victim' here (for lack of a better word).

I understand that, but it's still possibe to be the bigger person and the "victim" all at the same time. My advise to her wasn't to try and fix it but just to realize how fighting this battle is going to affect her entire future relationship with her in-laws.

I never said he was misunderstanding them, how am I to know these things? I think however that if she talked to her MIL and explained why it's important to her that her mother be there that her MIL might change her tune. It's easy to be flippant when your not faced with actually having to deal with the person you're being flippant and/or rude too.

[Peachey 10]

I have noticed a trend where Varba lives tho. The women in-laws NEVER get along. So far up to this point I've gotten along well with Varba's mom and sis (and still get along with them, since they don't know Varba told me their plans for xmas). Maybe this kind of thing just comes natural to them?

It's kinda funny tho, when Varba asked his mom if my mom could join in the festivities (I was there) and explained that my mom won't get to see me much, blah blah blah, Varba's mom started crying because her "pack" wasn't going to be all together on Christmas day... and then said in a stern voice "Dad and I will have to think about it" which pretty much was implied "no". I cried the whole way home from their house that night.

I guess I just find it hypocritical that she cries and gets upset cause she doesn't get to see her whole family together anymore very much (sis is out of state) but disregards my feelings when it comes to my mom .

Edited August 19, 2009 by Peachey

[NArocks 13]

And these in laws live where??

Edited August 19, 2009 by NArocks

[MapleLeafBaby 1]

EXTREMELY RUDE! Your husband sounds like his dad in their families relationship...they don't agree, but do not stand up to the women in their family. If you don't assert a conflict resolution process with your husband and his mom now, it will be the root of all issues in your marriage moving forward.

Solution is simple, you tell your husband, they either accomodate for your mom, or you guys don't go to their house...period. Tell them you guys will 'visit' for a bit iin the afternoon, but you will only stay for a little as you want to spend the holiday with your mom too.

As soon as your MIL realizes that she will start losing the opportunity to spend time with her son and now that he has a new 'permanent' addition in his life...she will smarten up.

Set the standard now....trust me this will never stop if they realize they can keep getting away with it.

[Peachey 10]

And these in laws live where??

South Central Conservative PA

[thetreble 19]

And these in laws live where??

South Central Conservative PA

PA is actually not that conservative of a state overall.

[Peachey 10]

And these in laws live where??

South Central Conservative PA

PA is actually not that conservative of a state overall.

Sorry, the area they are in is quite conservative (Lancaster) from what I've seen. I tell Varba that his family is the stereotypical republican family.

Edited August 19, 2009 by Peachey

[Udella&Wiz 325]

Seems inconsiderate...sorry - didn't read the entire thread. I hope they can understand that your mum is important to you - just as they are to your husband.

My mum might be like that though - she always makes a big deal about having extra guests whereas my dad is lilke 'cool, the more the merrier'

Maybe you could offer to bring something inthe way of food or save some gifts from you for her to open when the festivities start if they're worried about her being left out or uncomfortable that they don't have something for her? She could bring a hostess gift too - nothing melt people more thena little generosity

Dunno

[thetreble 19]

Sorry, the area they are in is quite conservative (Lancaster) from what I've seen. I tell Varba that his family is the stereotypical republican family.

If by conservative you mean Amish Just kidding. Love Lancaster.